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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why is he like this?

232 replies

boyfriendproblem · 24/12/2019 15:05

I'm 26, the same age as my boyfriend and we have been together just over two years. I don't understand why he behaves the way he does.

He doesn't want to have sex with me, says it's for different reasons, once he told me it's because I smell. I don't like doing a certain position because it hurts and he then said it's because I don't want to do that. I said, 'So you don't want to have sex with me because I don't want to do one sexual position?' and he said, 'Yes.'

He has a friend a female friend he knew before me. We rarely go out because he wants to only go out with his friends and they don't talk to me when I meet them. I say hello and they all ignore me even their girlfriends who I don't even know. One of his friends, who has a girlfriend, keeps trying to sleep with me and when I told my bf he said he didn't want to know.

Anyway, I met up with some of his friends unexpectantly and his female friend put her cigarettes in his top pocket and kept coming over and taking them out when she wanted to smoke. She was grinding up and down his leg. Normally I wouldn't say anything but my bf's brother was there and told me that her behaviour was out of order. I asked him to take the cigarettes out of his pocket and stop flirting with her and he said no. I took them out and threw them on the floor and left.

He called me the next day and had a go at me for upsetting his friend who had left. He said he was going to her place that night to apologise for my behaviour and make sure she's alright. He said I shouldn't have upset her.

He's always making snide remarks and putting me down. He doesn't want to see me but when I say that we should finish the relationship, he doesn't want to. When I go out with him, he just leaves me by myself all night and talks to his friends. We went away for a weekend with his brother and his gf, my boyfriend who I hadn't seen all week, spent all of Saturday we were away with friends he had arranged to meet with and then invited them to the pub later while I was there.

Whenever I try to speak to him about his behaviour he doesn't say anything. He just stares at me and nothing changes. I didn't phone him for two weeks after our last conversation about the relationship and he didn't call or try to see me.

We used to work in the same building (we were temping) and over the three months we were together, we met for lunch once and never met after work. I never see him on weekends as he's out with his friends. I'm now really upset because his friends have organised a Christmas do they've hired a room in a pub and my bf is taking his female friend, not me. She has a bf of five years and lives with him, and all his friends know about me so I don't understand what he's doing.

He makes fun of everything I like, music, films etc so I don't talk about that with him anymore. We eat what he likes, watch what he likes or he doesn't want to go. He only wants to see me on Thursdays and saves the weekends for his friends. Last Thursday he said he was going to the cinema and would stay at mine. I said Ok see you when the film finishes which was five minutes up the road. He turned up at 12am when I was in bed and when I had a go at him, asked me if I wanted him to leave which I didn't as we hadn't seen each other all week.

I took him away for Valentines and paid for it all, hotel, meal etc and he wanted to play on slot machines all night. When I said that we could go back to the hotel as it was Valentines he wasn't interested. We went for a walk along the beach and he pushed me into the water and I was soaked. When we got back to the hotel he tried to have sex with me in the poslition I don't like and when I refused, didn't want to sleep with me. I can't seem to do anything to please him or make him happy, he was in a bad mood all weekend.

One of his friends' girlfriend's asked me to come for her birthday and I went, even though I didn't have much money. No one spoke to me all night even though my boyfriend was there. At the end of the night my bf asked me to wait for him while he went to the toilet so I did but wanted to go myself and when I came out he was gone. I looked everywhere for him but he and all his friends were gone. He just left me at the pub. I went home and he turned up later at my place.

He rushes me everywhere. We're walking down the street and he's telling me to hurry up. We eat something and as soon as he's finished eating, he gets up to leave even though I haven't finished. Once I was walking down the street and I turned to look at something and a man walked full force into me, I was doubled over and couldn't breathe as I was completely winded and my boyfriend said, ;Why don't you look where you're fucking going?' Another time I took the bus to meet him on a Friday, I was going from London to Liverpool and called him when I got there. He told me to wait in a specific place and I had never been there before so wasn't sure where it was. I had been on the bus for hours to see him and he pulled up in the car didn't say hello he just said, 'You're waiting on the wrong side of the fucking road, get in.'

There's loads more that he's done and I feel so sad and hurt that he treats me like this. Do you know why he's like this and what I can do to change it?

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 24/12/2019 16:30

Fucking hell, I thought this was a wind up.

Obviously Noone told you this so here goes.

You don't need a partner to make yourself happy
You definitely shouldn't put up with being disrespected so plainly

He is a cunt. No more no less and you need to pick up your self respect from the floor and run for the hills. Then evaluate why you ever accepted being treated so poorly and don't do it again.

boyfriendproblem · 24/12/2019 16:33

The reason I've been putting up with it is because he wasn't like this in the beginning. Everyone and I mean, everyone I know, really like him. I spoke to my cousin about his behaviour and she doesn't believe me because he's such a 'nice bloke' and it must be something I'm going.

Also, why are his friends like this? He tells me it's because of me. He says that I need to change and his behaviour will get better.

He's not sleeping with his friend as she lives with a friend of his. She doesn't like me and my flatmate was annoyed with her because of how she talks to me, she always makes snide remarks to me. I don't notice it because everytime I brought up his friend's behaviour my bf would tell me that it didn't happen or because I should be nicer to them but they ignore me. I said hello to a friend of his and asked where his gf was and he just stood staring at me with a smirk on his face, he wouldn't answer me.

Why is he nice to everyone else? Kind, gentle, funny, generous and mean and tight with me? I don't understand why he's different with me. It must be me that's the problem. That's why I'm trying to find out how to change this.

OP posts:
category12 · 24/12/2019 16:37

You change it by leaving him. How he treats you is the only relevant thing. He treats you like absolute shit on his shoe.

Break up with him. Do the Freedom Programme. Sort out your self-esteem. And find someone nice who likes you, even loves you, and treats you decently.

Dawninglory · 24/12/2019 16:49

He may treat others nicely but he treats you like shit OP.
Sounds pretty immature too. Dump him and feel the relief of not being treated like that again. 🌹

RLEOM · 24/12/2019 16:54

Jesus Christ, this man doesn't love you! He sounds like a prick.

The best Christmas present you could give to yourself is to leave him. ❤

JustASmallTownCurl · 24/12/2019 16:58

Oh for goodness sake.

The fact he is nice to everyone else makes this worse.

It means he is choosing to be horrible to you.

It's like men who hurt their smaller partner, but wouldn't dream of starting on a man their own size.

Do you not get that it isn't your job to fix a broken man?

There are men out there who are not bullies and cunts - the longer you stay with this arsehole the longer you're stopping yourself meeting a good one and being happy.

Imagine life without that knot you probably have in your stomach constantly. You could have that life.

You sound young OP and I don't mean that in a patronising way I just wish someone would have told me this isn't the way relationships should be when I was younger.

If a partner makes you feel bad about yourself and question your value they are NOT a good partner.

Can you see that?

emmetgirl · 24/12/2019 17:01

LTB

ohwheniknow · 24/12/2019 17:01

Everyone and I mean, everyone I know, really like him. I spoke to my cousin about his behaviour and she doesn't believe me because he's such a 'nice bloke' and it must be something I'm going.

This is really, really common with domestic abuse/coercive control. Especially as abuse is not well understood.

Abuse is not about violence or nasty words, it's about power and control.

So if he appeared to everyone like some kind of monster:

  1. You never would have got into a relationship with him
  2. He would not get away with abusing you if it was obvious to everyone (and coercive control is a crime so he has a very big incentive to make sure nobody else suspects)

Which would mean he's never get any power or control over you and it would be taken away quickly. So he needs to look charming on the outside to win his power.

Please have a look at the Freedom Programme course. You can do an online version until you can get to the group version (which is free, confidential, and they'll never tell you to leave him).

It is categorically not something you are doing. It is a choice he is making. And you can't change that.

But you can make your life better by ending the relationship.

DBML · 24/12/2019 17:10

All you need to solve your problem is one text message:

‘I’ve decided that you’re not good enough for me. Enjoy your Christmas party and I won’t be seeing you in the new year - it’s over ’.

Hanab · 24/12/2019 17:17

What @DBML said 100%

MashedSpud · 24/12/2019 17:21

He wasn’t horrible at first because he was putting on an act to get you.

This is the real him now.

beautifulstranger101 · 24/12/2019 17:28

There is literally nothing in your OP that sounds good about this pathetic wanker. He sounds like the most vile, selfish, immature cockwomble that anyone has ever had the misfortune to meet.

Why are you wasting time with this bellend? No, seriously- why? You are wasting your time even asking for advice about how to "change him". In order for him to resemble anything like a decent guy he'd have to change literally every aspect of his personality to the point that he'd be someone else. Theres your answer- find someone else. He aint changing and the reason he acts like this is because he's a dick.

JustASmallTownCurl · 24/12/2019 17:28

To put it simply OP:

Q: Why is he like this?
A: Because he can be.

Give him a consequence. Leave.

mummmy2017 · 24/12/2019 17:38

Bet 100% your not seeing him tomorrow.
You deserve better , finish with him and find someone new, who likes you.
Do not have a life of hurt and pain, have adventure instead

Costacoffeeplease · 24/12/2019 17:41

You’ve put up with this shit because.....??Hmm

Aminuts23 · 24/12/2019 17:49

This man doesn’t respect you or even like you. He’s a vile turd of a man. Tell him to fuck off and get on with the rest of your life.
Who give a shit what he’s like to other people. How he treats you is all that matters here and he treats you like something he trod in, with total distain.
Take control of your life and dump his arse. You deserve so much better than this

Arnoldthecat · 24/12/2019 18:05

Eject

Palavah · 24/12/2019 18:06

Why on EARTH are you with him. Get out.

BillywilliamV · 24/12/2019 18:07

Give yourself a Christmas Present, dump this twat!

CandlelightAndStars · 24/12/2019 18:13

Why haven't you dumped him?

I dumped my best friend of 8 years a month ago because his behaviour changed towards me and he started being unkind.

I told him I didn't like the way he was treating me and he made no effort to change it. So dumped.

People only treat you how you allow yourself to be treated by them.

Don't like it? Get rid.

PicsInRed · 24/12/2019 18:47

He is horrible because he is an abusive man.
Google "street angel, house devil". If they were horrible to everyone, all the time, they'd have no one and therefore no victims. They are clever enough to keep a coterie of allies on board and to love bomb a new victim before grooming her into accepting worse and worse abuse. They engage all those around them (and around you) in participating in the abuse, so you think it's your fault. As he is doing to you already.

His friends are horrible because they are his friends (often abusers and cheats befriend each other) and also because he's likely making up lies about you to gain sympathy and play the victim.

One of the lines is likely that you refuse sex with him. That will be the reason for the overt flirting by his friend. Of course he's having sex with her. Her living with her friend won't stop that, after all, they all think he's your victim right? She's doing their dear and lovely friend a kindness, right? Hmm

Dump him - being his and his entire group's scapegoat will destroy both your self esteem and your sanity.

anotherdisaster · 24/12/2019 18:51

Oh my god, what an utter twat of a human. He is treating you like this because he can. He may be nice to others but the real him is the one abusing you. He gets a kick from bullying you and treating you like shit, watching you sit there and take it and run back to him.
Bullies, narcissists and abusers usually do come across as 'nice guys' to everyone else.
Please dump him immediately,.

EKGEMS · 24/12/2019 18:56

26 years old and chasing a long lost memory of your boyfriend vs cold,hard reality

HeavenlyEyes · 24/12/2019 19:02

get some counselling to find out why the hell you put up with this then block him everywhere along with his toxic friendship group.

Magicstars · 24/12/2019 19:08

Pls LTB, he’s horrible & he won’t change. Don’t waste your time on him. In future avoid other people like this if you spotvthr signs. Don’t settle for someone who mistreats you or you will regret it. You are young & have plenty of life left to live & enjoy.