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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why is he like this?

232 replies

boyfriendproblem · 24/12/2019 15:05

I'm 26, the same age as my boyfriend and we have been together just over two years. I don't understand why he behaves the way he does.

He doesn't want to have sex with me, says it's for different reasons, once he told me it's because I smell. I don't like doing a certain position because it hurts and he then said it's because I don't want to do that. I said, 'So you don't want to have sex with me because I don't want to do one sexual position?' and he said, 'Yes.'

He has a friend a female friend he knew before me. We rarely go out because he wants to only go out with his friends and they don't talk to me when I meet them. I say hello and they all ignore me even their girlfriends who I don't even know. One of his friends, who has a girlfriend, keeps trying to sleep with me and when I told my bf he said he didn't want to know.

Anyway, I met up with some of his friends unexpectantly and his female friend put her cigarettes in his top pocket and kept coming over and taking them out when she wanted to smoke. She was grinding up and down his leg. Normally I wouldn't say anything but my bf's brother was there and told me that her behaviour was out of order. I asked him to take the cigarettes out of his pocket and stop flirting with her and he said no. I took them out and threw them on the floor and left.

He called me the next day and had a go at me for upsetting his friend who had left. He said he was going to her place that night to apologise for my behaviour and make sure she's alright. He said I shouldn't have upset her.

He's always making snide remarks and putting me down. He doesn't want to see me but when I say that we should finish the relationship, he doesn't want to. When I go out with him, he just leaves me by myself all night and talks to his friends. We went away for a weekend with his brother and his gf, my boyfriend who I hadn't seen all week, spent all of Saturday we were away with friends he had arranged to meet with and then invited them to the pub later while I was there.

Whenever I try to speak to him about his behaviour he doesn't say anything. He just stares at me and nothing changes. I didn't phone him for two weeks after our last conversation about the relationship and he didn't call or try to see me.

We used to work in the same building (we were temping) and over the three months we were together, we met for lunch once and never met after work. I never see him on weekends as he's out with his friends. I'm now really upset because his friends have organised a Christmas do they've hired a room in a pub and my bf is taking his female friend, not me. She has a bf of five years and lives with him, and all his friends know about me so I don't understand what he's doing.

He makes fun of everything I like, music, films etc so I don't talk about that with him anymore. We eat what he likes, watch what he likes or he doesn't want to go. He only wants to see me on Thursdays and saves the weekends for his friends. Last Thursday he said he was going to the cinema and would stay at mine. I said Ok see you when the film finishes which was five minutes up the road. He turned up at 12am when I was in bed and when I had a go at him, asked me if I wanted him to leave which I didn't as we hadn't seen each other all week.

I took him away for Valentines and paid for it all, hotel, meal etc and he wanted to play on slot machines all night. When I said that we could go back to the hotel as it was Valentines he wasn't interested. We went for a walk along the beach and he pushed me into the water and I was soaked. When we got back to the hotel he tried to have sex with me in the poslition I don't like and when I refused, didn't want to sleep with me. I can't seem to do anything to please him or make him happy, he was in a bad mood all weekend.

One of his friends' girlfriend's asked me to come for her birthday and I went, even though I didn't have much money. No one spoke to me all night even though my boyfriend was there. At the end of the night my bf asked me to wait for him while he went to the toilet so I did but wanted to go myself and when I came out he was gone. I looked everywhere for him but he and all his friends were gone. He just left me at the pub. I went home and he turned up later at my place.

He rushes me everywhere. We're walking down the street and he's telling me to hurry up. We eat something and as soon as he's finished eating, he gets up to leave even though I haven't finished. Once I was walking down the street and I turned to look at something and a man walked full force into me, I was doubled over and couldn't breathe as I was completely winded and my boyfriend said, ;Why don't you look where you're fucking going?' Another time I took the bus to meet him on a Friday, I was going from London to Liverpool and called him when I got there. He told me to wait in a specific place and I had never been there before so wasn't sure where it was. I had been on the bus for hours to see him and he pulled up in the car didn't say hello he just said, 'You're waiting on the wrong side of the fucking road, get in.'

There's loads more that he's done and I feel so sad and hurt that he treats me like this. Do you know why he's like this and what I can do to change it?

OP posts:
KidCaneGoat · 24/12/2019 21:14

He’s with you because he likes being mean to you. He can do what he wants and get away with it. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It may not be physical but it is emotional abuse and you could phone woman’s aid or local DV organisation for support. They would take this seriously. It sounds like you’ve got a lot to deal with, with your childhood too. You are worth more than this and how your family treats you. You are important.

ohwheniknow · 24/12/2019 21:17

Finish it and cease all contact. Ending a relationship is not a negotiation.

He's demonstrated several times that he's not genuine about changing. Did you genuinely want to end the relationship or did you threaten it to try and get him to treat you differently? Either way, you should now know it won't happen.

It's also textbook for an abuser to pretend to change to convince a woman to take him back, and then revert to his old behaviour as soon as he's got his claws back into her. Again, it's all about power and control.

What are you hoping to gain from this thread? The magic words to stop him abusing you? Don't exist.

Us to endorse your decision to allow him to continue he abusing you? No decent human being will do that.

He doesn't love you, he loves controlling you.

magoria · 24/12/2019 21:20

He may have been lovely at the start but he isn't now.

Get rid and move on. Leave him to his petty games and friends.

RogueV · 24/12/2019 21:27

Oh OP this is one of the saddest posts I have read on Mumsnet.

You need to get out of this relationship. You are only young. This guy sounds like a vile controlling cunt. You are better than this.

AgentJohnson · 24/12/2019 21:30

You’re asking the wrong question, it isn’t ‘why is he like this?’ but ‘why do you have so little self respect that you repeatedly expose yourself to this horrible man and his equally horrible friends’?

This is who he is now he no longer has to keep up the pretence of being nice.

Some people are twats, dump and move on

scoobydoo1971 · 24/12/2019 21:31

Yes, he is a very bad person...there are a lot of them in the world. The solution is to ask yourself why you are being a doormat for him to stamp his feet on. Your childhood may hold the answer, but it doesn't excuse your tolerance of rubbish behaviour. He treats you badly because you let him, and keep coming back for more bad behaviour. His friends don't like you because they don't respect you and have been told you are his zebra crossing who he can walk over time and time again. You tolerate conduct that lots of women with higher self esteem would have dumped him for. He is a loser who won't change, and he doesn't respect you as a person because he sees you as weak, and his property. Dump him and remain single until you get therapy. If it doesn't happen then you are in big danger of being abused all your life. Many years ago, I ran an emergency housing scheme for women leaving domestic violence so I have heard all the stories of how they wanted their men to change, to treat them nicely like they first did etc...one of my clients was murdered by her ex as she thought he would change, and took him back briefly. Lots of these women got into new relationships with equally abusive men and had very unstable lives.

Take 2020 as a new start for you, and stop letting this man tread on you. If he banged on my door at midnight, I would dump a bucket of water over him and not invite him into my home.

boyfriendproblem · 24/12/2019 21:44

Each time I finished the relationship, I would not have contacted him, he contacted me. This is what I don't understand. I've asked him why, if he doesn't want a relationship with me and is free to do what he wants, (I can't stop him leaving) he keeps coming back but doesn't want to see me.

His behaviour is just really strange and getting stranger like the weird lies he tells. They're obviously lies so why bother? If he doesn't want to meet me (fair enough if he's already made plans) then organise some other time, why tell me he'll be somewhere then not be there? I don't understand wtf he's thinking.

So, it's not me chasing after him. I am disengaging from the relationship as it's just really draining and he has been physically abusive a few times though not blatantly. One time he was swinging me around and he let go and I hit my head really hard on a concrete floor. Another time he went to hug me and really hurt my ribs and then he pretended to fall over in the sea on Valentines but I could feel him physically straining to pull me over. I just brushed it off as a big joke but I knew what he was doing.

It's also as though it's so much more important what his friends think of him than it is how badly they treat me as he obviously just stands there and lets them get away with it and some of the things they have been angry at me about are weird. The female friend was playing pool and she said she wasn't very good and could I help her improve so I told her that she needed to lean over the table more.

The next day my bf and her bf were furious with me and wouldn't talk to me because she has a bad back and I could have hurt her. I was like wtf?! How was I to know any of this? It's like they're trying to find excuses to have a go at me and make me out to be someone I'm not.

I have backed away from my family, I am estranged from them now.

As for those asking me what I want from the thread. When you are surrounded by people all saying one thing to you (you're the one in the wrong) it's very difficult to see through it, especially when you come from a dysfunctional background. You can't expect me to finish a two year relationship as soon as you snap your fingers. Life isn't that simple. I need time to process all this.

Everyone, even members of my own family are pointing the finger at me and telling me that the problem is me. Everyone I am surrounded by are telling me that he is a great bloke and I'm lucky to have him. When I have spoken of his behaviour one person told me, well you're not that easy to get on with, what do you expect? This is what I'm dealing with.

I'm trying to get alternative opinions. The only person not blaming me and seems to like me, is his mum who is always nice to me, calls me and seems to like me. Just one person isn't blaming me for all this or treating me like the bad one here.

OP posts:
Captnip500 · 24/12/2019 21:53

OP please, please leave him. He is no good for you, he won’t change I can promise you that. He has no respect for you, he doesn’t love or even like you and he is hurting and abusing you because he is an abusive and cruel man who enjoys the power of humiliating you. I think this is clear to everyone else on here but you can’t see it because you have been brought up around this kind of behaviour and are desensitised to it.

A lot of what you said is classic abuser behaviour, gaslighting, being lovely to everyone else, manipulation, starting off nice till they have you hooked then turning. It’s typical. You also seem to have terribly low self esteem. Preditory men like him often select women like you because they know they will accept more of their terrible behaviour. This will only makes your self esteem worse.

You need to be strong. This won’t necessarily be easy but you HAVE to end it. He will lie and make promises to change but you KNOW they will not last because they never have before. Please just end it and block him, he is taking then absolute piss out of you because he enjoys it. He’s a total cunt and being around him is very harmful to you.

You should also look I to getting counselling to address some of these issues. It’s not good to allow this kind of behaviour and you could do with building your self esteem
Up.

Heartofglass12345 · 24/12/2019 21:57

I am just echoing what others have said but I'm not sure you are going to listen.
It is not you it is him

HE IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE

End it now before you do end up pregnant or living with him
You are worth more and deserve to be treated a million times better
Please please listen.
Dump him and block him so he can't contact you. Please!

MsDogLady · 24/12/2019 22:15

He doesn’t end things because he enjoys tormenting you. It is sport for him. You are his narcissistic supply. He is confident that he can abuse and manipulate (lie, gaslight, stonewall, etc.) and if you balk he can lure you back by throwing you a few crumbs. Google the cycles of abuse.

He allows his friends to target you as part of the sport. He is a cruel man. How much longer will you allow him to physically and emotionally brutalize you?

Ineedaweeinpeace · 24/12/2019 22:18

Sounds like tomorrow is a great day to DUMP HIM!

ohwheniknow · 24/12/2019 22:24

I don't think people expect you to instantly leave. At least, I wasn't. I know it's not easy, I've been there.

I asked what you wanted from the thread because you didn't seem to actually be engaging with anything people are saying, you just keep posting semi-rhetorical why questions and repeating yourself almost as if nobody else is on the thread. I didn't want to keep offering information if all you wanted was space to vent rather than problem solve or gather info.

Can you not block him? Just because he contacts you doesn't mean you have to respond.

As for your latest "why?" questions, the answers remain the same as you have been told for all the rest: power and control.

He doesn't want to let you go because he wants power over you. Because of your background you're much easier for him to manipulate and control - that's what he doesn't want to give up on.

As for physical violence that can be hidden or explained away - that's common with abuse. Because it's not about a loss of control, it's the very opposite. They know what they're doing and they're planning ahead to make sure they get away with it.

This isn't a question you have to post an answer to, but when he chases do you take him back because that feels like love to you? When he's controlling do you take it as a sign of love?

I know I'm not the only one who's suggested the Freedom Programme course to you, and you need to be ready to face something like that, but have you looked at it? Do you think you will? You don't have to understand why you're attending it, if you're prepared to listen and see if any of it is useful.

Because you're right, we're just a bunch of internet strangers. Whereas you could go on a (free, confidential) course with experts in abuse who can share their knowledge with you and who you can get to know a little over the course. They can help you make sense of this.

They can teach you about healthy vs abusive relationships, they can help you understand how it's affected you, they can help you understand why he does these things (and why your parents did). They will recognise and understand the patterns of abuse, so if you do ever share anything they won't judge or blame you.

Nobody on the Freedom Programme will tell you to leave him. They won't make you talk about your life. You can literally just listen. And it will answer every confused and frustrated and hurt "but why?" question that you have.

If you only take one step to try and make life better for yourself, I would really encourage you to try it:

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

The sad thing is when you grow up in an abusive home and then end up in the hands of other abusers as an adult, you will be spotted as vulnerable by abusive people. They will mix with your other abusers, target you because of your vulnerabilities. So the fact that you've been targeted multiple times or have people enmeshed in that life blaming you doesn't mean it's your fault. It just means you were born into a really shitty situation and abusive people have exploited that.

None of the abuse you've experienced was your fault and you do not deserve it. Any of it. If people here are getting frustrated it's because they see that and don't want you to be hurt anymore.

mummmy2017 · 24/12/2019 22:27

He gets a kick out of you always being there, it is not love, he is abusing you mentally.
I know it is hard but you deserve so much more, we are all here for you, and you do know you can just tell him , that you no longer fancy him.
Tell your family the same, say you parted as friends and refuse to see him again.
I do think he has to be saying nasty things about you to his friends.

ohwheniknow · 24/12/2019 22:27

Oh, and it's in the interests of an abusive person to convince you it's your fault. Because if you feel you deserve it then you don't try to stop it and they keep control of you.

Doesn't make it true. It is not your fault.

AllyBamma · 24/12/2019 22:35

OP in the nicest possible way, he’s like this because he’s a cunt and because he can get away with it. He knows now that he can treat you any shitty way he pleases and even if you break up for a bit, you’ll always take him back, you’ll wait all night in a pub for him, you’ll tolerate all this humiliating bullshit. There’s literally no consequence to his actions.

Please raise your bar OP, get some self respect and realise that you are worth so much more than this. Dump him and actually block him this time so he can’t weevil his way back.

Oliversmumsarmy · 24/12/2019 22:39

Each time I finished the relationship, I would not have contacted him, he contacted me

Then you have to say no.

You have to not engage. That is why I suggested moving away. Blocking everyone of his friends and him.
Even going as far as changing your number.

This guy is a cruel manipulative controlling turd and his friends are no better.

Whilst you still keep taking him back nothing in your life will change for the better

richteasandcheese · 24/12/2019 22:44

He sounds actually quite scary - the waiting in the pub thing then saying you just didn't see him is as weird as fuck. Dump him, block him, and don't let him destroy any more of you

JustASmallTownCurl · 24/12/2019 22:50

@ohwheniknow

One of the best posts I've ever read on MN.

OP please read her words carefully and take them in - don't just skim but really read them.

He's this way because he wants to be and is allowed to be.

It doesn't matter if he's the one who initiated contact after you break up. He initiates it when he wants to and you re-engage.

Lots of us understand that it isn't easy to "just" leave, I promise. But lots of us have wasted years on dickheads like this and wish we had left sooner.

He is so basic and textbook, everyone just wants the best for you.

No matter how many questions you ask (why does he do this / what does he want / why would he xyz) none of it changes the fact he's toxic.

Disengage for good this time x

Oct18mummy · 24/12/2019 22:50

He won’t change and you can’t make him. You deserve better. Please don’t waste anymore time being treated like this.

simplekindoflife · 24/12/2019 22:56

"One time he was swinging me around and he let go and I hit my head really hard on a concrete floor. Another time he went to hug me and really hurt my ribs and then he pretended to fall over in the sea on Valentines but I could feel him physically straining to pull me over."

This is so not ok... he sounds like he could be very dangerous in the future. Please just leave him now. What's the actual point when you're not happy in this relationship anyway?! It makes no sense.

You need to ditch those so-called friends too. You sound very level headed, balanced and articulate to me, the problem is not you.

BumbleBeee69 · 24/12/2019 23:04

You can't expect me to finish a two year relationship as soon as you snap your fingers. Life isn't that simple. I need time to process all this.

what exactly are you processing.. he's showing you who he is.. and what he thinks of you.. Confused

You obviously want to be with this man.. so why have you come to Mumsnet and ask for opinions.. you cannot change him, any more than he can change you.. Hmm

I do hope you get the help.. you clearly believe you do not need.. soon.. Flowers

HeavenlyEyes · 24/12/2019 23:08

Head on the concrete - that could have killed you. For that alone you need to keep away from him forever. I would be telling the police what he did, speaking to Women's Aid and getting yourself on the Freedom Programme ASAP.

Panpastels · 24/12/2019 23:13

Is this really want you want for yourself? He will never change and you need to accept this and move on, as hard as that may be. Your self esteem must be through the floor to keep taking this nasty piece of shit back in your life Sad

category12 · 24/12/2019 23:13

Everyone, even members of my own family are pointing the finger at me and telling me that the problem is me. Everyone I am surrounded by are telling me that he is a great bloke and I'm lucky to have him.

But love, your family are abusive and their standards for behaviour are skewed. They're happy for him to treat you badly because for whatever reason that's their normal.

SunsetBoulevard3 · 24/12/2019 23:21

Please see him for what he is. An abusive bully. His friends are unpleasant. Whatever anyone else thinks of him is irrelevant. He’s treating you with utter contempt. He doesn’t deserve another minute if your time. Sumo him and don’t look back. Don’t listen to his excuses or his lies or his manipulation. Dump him and find a decent man. Please get some counselling and work on your boundaries and self esteem. Your family sound toxic and unpleasant too. You’d be well rid of them also.

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