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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why is he like this?

232 replies

boyfriendproblem · 24/12/2019 15:05

I'm 26, the same age as my boyfriend and we have been together just over two years. I don't understand why he behaves the way he does.

He doesn't want to have sex with me, says it's for different reasons, once he told me it's because I smell. I don't like doing a certain position because it hurts and he then said it's because I don't want to do that. I said, 'So you don't want to have sex with me because I don't want to do one sexual position?' and he said, 'Yes.'

He has a friend a female friend he knew before me. We rarely go out because he wants to only go out with his friends and they don't talk to me when I meet them. I say hello and they all ignore me even their girlfriends who I don't even know. One of his friends, who has a girlfriend, keeps trying to sleep with me and when I told my bf he said he didn't want to know.

Anyway, I met up with some of his friends unexpectantly and his female friend put her cigarettes in his top pocket and kept coming over and taking them out when she wanted to smoke. She was grinding up and down his leg. Normally I wouldn't say anything but my bf's brother was there and told me that her behaviour was out of order. I asked him to take the cigarettes out of his pocket and stop flirting with her and he said no. I took them out and threw them on the floor and left.

He called me the next day and had a go at me for upsetting his friend who had left. He said he was going to her place that night to apologise for my behaviour and make sure she's alright. He said I shouldn't have upset her.

He's always making snide remarks and putting me down. He doesn't want to see me but when I say that we should finish the relationship, he doesn't want to. When I go out with him, he just leaves me by myself all night and talks to his friends. We went away for a weekend with his brother and his gf, my boyfriend who I hadn't seen all week, spent all of Saturday we were away with friends he had arranged to meet with and then invited them to the pub later while I was there.

Whenever I try to speak to him about his behaviour he doesn't say anything. He just stares at me and nothing changes. I didn't phone him for two weeks after our last conversation about the relationship and he didn't call or try to see me.

We used to work in the same building (we were temping) and over the three months we were together, we met for lunch once and never met after work. I never see him on weekends as he's out with his friends. I'm now really upset because his friends have organised a Christmas do they've hired a room in a pub and my bf is taking his female friend, not me. She has a bf of five years and lives with him, and all his friends know about me so I don't understand what he's doing.

He makes fun of everything I like, music, films etc so I don't talk about that with him anymore. We eat what he likes, watch what he likes or he doesn't want to go. He only wants to see me on Thursdays and saves the weekends for his friends. Last Thursday he said he was going to the cinema and would stay at mine. I said Ok see you when the film finishes which was five minutes up the road. He turned up at 12am when I was in bed and when I had a go at him, asked me if I wanted him to leave which I didn't as we hadn't seen each other all week.

I took him away for Valentines and paid for it all, hotel, meal etc and he wanted to play on slot machines all night. When I said that we could go back to the hotel as it was Valentines he wasn't interested. We went for a walk along the beach and he pushed me into the water and I was soaked. When we got back to the hotel he tried to have sex with me in the poslition I don't like and when I refused, didn't want to sleep with me. I can't seem to do anything to please him or make him happy, he was in a bad mood all weekend.

One of his friends' girlfriend's asked me to come for her birthday and I went, even though I didn't have much money. No one spoke to me all night even though my boyfriend was there. At the end of the night my bf asked me to wait for him while he went to the toilet so I did but wanted to go myself and when I came out he was gone. I looked everywhere for him but he and all his friends were gone. He just left me at the pub. I went home and he turned up later at my place.

He rushes me everywhere. We're walking down the street and he's telling me to hurry up. We eat something and as soon as he's finished eating, he gets up to leave even though I haven't finished. Once I was walking down the street and I turned to look at something and a man walked full force into me, I was doubled over and couldn't breathe as I was completely winded and my boyfriend said, ;Why don't you look where you're fucking going?' Another time I took the bus to meet him on a Friday, I was going from London to Liverpool and called him when I got there. He told me to wait in a specific place and I had never been there before so wasn't sure where it was. I had been on the bus for hours to see him and he pulled up in the car didn't say hello he just said, 'You're waiting on the wrong side of the fucking road, get in.'

There's loads more that he's done and I feel so sad and hurt that he treats me like this. Do you know why he's like this and what I can do to change it?

OP posts:
ForkThis · 24/12/2019 23:27

I think the more pressing question is, why do YOU allow yourself to be treated like this? He’s obviously a cunt, why put up with it?

And yes, you can just snap your fingers and end it. Like you said, you have no ties to each other, easy peasy. “This isn’t working for me because you treat me like shit. Don’t contact me again”.

gamerchick · 24/12/2019 23:34

He's a bully and it almost sounds as if you're some sort of dare Hmm see how much you can fuck someone's head up and for how long.

Send him a message. Tell him to stay away from you from now on you don't want to hear from him again. Then block him on everything. Give yourself a Christmas present

SoleBizzz · 24/12/2019 23:45

He hates your guts. You are tolerant of shit behaviour. You need to dump him and never communicate with him ever again for any reason. Do a course or therapy for self esteem and boundaries. His friends are weird and rude aswell

PurpleTrilby · 25/12/2019 00:13

He is a cunt. Stop accepting this life. You are existing, not living. Fuck him and anyone around him, move on. Honestly, it will get better.

user764329056 · 25/12/2019 00:20

Why are you wasting one more minute with this sack of shit? Take back your power, find dignity and dump him immediately, he’s an absolute idiot

PurpleTrilby · 25/12/2019 00:28

Just to reiterate: HE IS A CUNT. Not you. Get out, now.

HomeAlone39 · 25/12/2019 00:31

He sounds awful. Please break up with him. Don't go into another new year in this horrible relationship

Justtryingtobehelpful · 25/12/2019 00:36

Read Bancroft Lundy's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

It will literally give you the answers to every question you've passed here. It will give you advice on how to leave him and stay gone.

Prioritise yourself OP and be safe!!

DBML · 25/12/2019 00:39

Op,

My mother once told me that when I was a little girl I had a toy for a birthday that I did not like. I cried in tantrum when I opened it and I threw it on the floor. It was not the toy I’d asked for.
I had a little sister who went to pick up the toy and immediately I snatched it back. I didn’t want, nor like the toy, but I was loathed if I was going to let my sister have it.

That’s you op. Your boyfriend is cruel and does not love you. He is abusive, manipulative and more than likely cheating. However, he won’t let you go because he enjoys treating you in this way. He doesn’t want to see you happy. He gets a nice little power trip every time he treats you like shit. You’re the laughing stock. But you don’t deserve this. You can have better. You owe it to yourself to break the cycle and not allow yourself to be treated this way.

There’s no point asking ‘why?’ Does an answer make a difference?

Just do it. Dump and block. Then you’ll never have to worry or hurt about these people ever again.

Wishing you all the beat.

DBML · 25/12/2019 00:39

Best not beat.

ineedaholiday11 · 25/12/2019 01:36

Why does he do it? Why doesn't he finish things? Because he likes the control. I'm sorry to be brutal but in the way you said your family's "jackpot" is people crying or storming out, it sounds like he is seeing just how far he can push you. I wouldn't be surprised if he discusses it with his friends.

It sounds like you're surrounded by dysfunctional people who do not really care for you. If I had a friend being treated like you, regardless of whether she was annoying etc (whatever excuses they give you) I'd be telling my friend to leave.

He chases you when you finish with him as he doesn't like not having control. It is a game to him.

I hope you find the strength to leave him. Please do not have kids with him.

ineedaholiday11 · 25/12/2019 01:36

Final thing is no one deserves to be treated how he is treating you. You definitely deserve better.

Dogladyxo · 25/12/2019 05:46

Ohwheniknow I agree with what you said 100%

I asked what you wanted from the thread because you didn't seem to actually be engaging with anything people are saying, you just keep posting semi-rhetorical why questions and repeating yourself almost as if nobody else is on the thread. I didn't want to keep offering information if all you wanted was space to vent rather than problem solve or gather info.

autumnboys · 25/12/2019 05:50

Get rid of him. He sounds awful.

Lefkosia · 25/12/2019 06:23

It sounds to me like he hates you and wants you to suffer. He wont let you go though because he enjoys treating you like shit and messing with your head

Pinkbonbon · 25/12/2019 06:33

Easy - your partner is a narcissist.
He has told all his friends you are a shitty/crazy person. He treats you with contempt, because he hates you (simplest answers are usually the truth).

Check out YouTube videos on the subject. Melanie Tonia Evans does good videos on NPD.

He will always treat you like shit. It us nor your fault and you must stop looking inwards at your own behaviour. You cannot change you in order to change him. HE is a cup with a hole in it. No matter how much love and warmth you give, it only leaks out of him. He cannot pour it back. He is a leach.

Get yourself out! And do all the reading you can in narcissistic personalities so you will be able to come out of the fog he put you in.

Your feelings are valid!
But he will never give you the validation you seek. Nor the love you deserve.

Dawninglory · 25/12/2019 07:57

Merry Christmas OP, hope you find the strength today to start withdrawing from your 'BF' , over the festive season I'm sure he will be busy with his friends and a good time to start distancing yourself, until you can be strong enough to say I don't want to be with you. I was in the same position once, packed a bag and moved 270miles from home town, still here 28yrs later .😊🎅

MarianaMoatedGrange · 25/12/2019 08:06

I hope you're beginning to realise more fully how he's torturing you for his own twisted pleasure.

Hitting your head on a concrete floor could have killed you. Please understand how dangerous this warped individual is to you - both mentally and physically.

Make the new year and decade one free of him and his fun at your great expense.

SheSnapsThenSheFarts · 25/12/2019 08:36

Please leave him, you're so young and have so much fun ahead of you without him making you feel small.
I dumped a useless boyfriend on New Year's Day once, it was very cleansing. I suggest you do the same if not sooner....

Greenkit · 25/12/2019 14:56

He loves humiliating you

It makes him feel good

Block his number and move on and dump your shity family as well xx

hamstersarse · 25/12/2019 15:13

I really want you to dump him OP

It’s heart breaking to read how awful he is treating you. And how I know he won’t change and more than likely get worse, god forbid if you have children with him.

Your post tells me you are sensitive, empathetic and expect the best in people. Don’t let this relationship ruin your values and characteristics.

Not everyone is good. It’s a harsh lesson when you like to see the best in people, but judge him by his actions and not by some over-explaining ‘rose tinted’ lens...he really isn’t a good person and you’ve just been misfortunate to cross paths with him. I sincerely hope you chose a different future for yourself.

deepwatersolo · 25/12/2019 18:08

Everyone, even members of my own family are pointing the finger at me and telling me that the problem is me. Everyone I am surrounded by are telling me that he is a great bloke and I'm lucky to have him.

You are clearly not lucky to have him, as he makes you miserable. I concur with the other posters, he likes to abuse you (maybe also a pattern he learned in his family dynamics) and apparently found a willing participant in you.

However, let us assume for the moment that everyone else is right and somehow it is all your fault. What would that change? Nothing. It changes nothing whether you need to save yourself from him or whether you need to save him from you. The bottom line is that you obviously make each other miserable. You have said as much and he surely would see you more often if he had such a great time with you.

So, any way you look at it, you have to end it for the sanity of all involved, as he obviously is too weak (if not too entertained by his sadistic games) to end it.

Pro-tip: Once you end it, it is irrelevant whether he tries to reestablish contact. You simply do not respond (let alone ask him why he would want to reestablish contact of whatever kind). Just stick to no contact - do it for yourself, for him, no matter. Just stick to it. Don't reciprocate contact. Not even when he goes full ''Stellaaaaa!!!!''

AlwaysMessingUp · 25/12/2019 18:15

Fgs why haven't you you left this awful twat? What are you getting out of this relationship? He sounds hideous.

heartyrebel · 25/12/2019 19:42

Darling, he hates you.
This isn't a relationship and I'm not sure why hes with you, but you dont need him, you'd be happier not being with someone who treats you so poorly.
Please find the strength to call it a day and block him.
You deserve so much more.

Cherrysoup · 25/12/2019 20:51

He’s an abuser. Why do you let him do this to you? Are you worth so little?