Why is he like this?

[boyfriendproblem]

I'm 26, the same age as my boyfriend and we have been together just over two years. I don't understand why he behaves the way he does.

He doesn't want to have sex with me, says it's for different reasons, once he told me it's because I smell. I don't like doing a certain position because it hurts and he then said it's because I don't want to do that. I said, 'So you don't want to have sex with me because I don't want to do one sexual position?' and he said, 'Yes.'

He has a friend a female friend he knew before me. We rarely go out because he wants to only go out with his friends and they don't talk to me when I meet them. I say hello and they all ignore me even their girlfriends who I don't even know. One of his friends, who has a girlfriend, keeps trying to sleep with me and when I told my bf he said he didn't want to know.

Anyway, I met up with some of his friends unexpectantly and his female friend put her cigarettes in his top pocket and kept coming over and taking them out when she wanted to smoke. She was grinding up and down his leg. Normally I wouldn't say anything but my bf's brother was there and told me that her behaviour was out of order. I asked him to take the cigarettes out of his pocket and stop flirting with her and he said no. I took them out and threw them on the floor and left.

He called me the next day and had a go at me for upsetting his friend who had left. He said he was going to her place that night to apologise for my behaviour and make sure she's alright. He said I shouldn't have upset her.

He's always making snide remarks and putting me down. He doesn't want to see me but when I say that we should finish the relationship, he doesn't want to. When I go out with him, he just leaves me by myself all night and talks to his friends. We went away for a weekend with his brother and his gf, my boyfriend who I hadn't seen all week, spent all of Saturday we were away with friends he had arranged to meet with and then invited them to the pub later while I was there.

Whenever I try to speak to him about his behaviour he doesn't say anything. He just stares at me and nothing changes. I didn't phone him for two weeks after our last conversation about the relationship and he didn't call or try to see me.

We used to work in the same building (we were temping) and over the three months we were together, we met for lunch once and never met after work. I never see him on weekends as he's out with his friends. I'm now really upset because his friends have organised a Christmas do they've hired a room in a pub and my bf is taking his female friend, not me. She has a bf of five years and lives with him, and all his friends know about me so I don't understand what he's doing.

He makes fun of everything I like, music, films etc so I don't talk about that with him anymore. We eat what he likes, watch what he likes or he doesn't want to go. He only wants to see me on Thursdays and saves the weekends for his friends. Last Thursday he said he was going to the cinema and would stay at mine. I said Ok see you when the film finishes which was five minutes up the road. He turned up at 12am when I was in bed and when I had a go at him, asked me if I wanted him to leave which I didn't as we hadn't seen each other all week.

I took him away for Valentines and paid for it all, hotel, meal etc and he wanted to play on slot machines all night. When I said that we could go back to the hotel as it was Valentines he wasn't interested. We went for a walk along the beach and he pushed me into the water and I was soaked. When we got back to the hotel he tried to have sex with me in the poslition I don't like and when I refused, didn't want to sleep with me. I can't seem to do anything to please him or make him happy, he was in a bad mood all weekend.

One of his friends' girlfriend's asked me to come for her birthday and I went, even though I didn't have much money. No one spoke to me all night even though my boyfriend was there. At the end of the night my bf asked me to wait for him while he went to the toilet so I did but wanted to go myself and when I came out he was gone. I looked everywhere for him but he and all his friends were gone. He just left me at the pub. I went home and he turned up later at my place.

He rushes me everywhere. We're walking down the street and he's telling me to hurry up. We eat something and as soon as he's finished eating, he gets up to leave even though I haven't finished. Once I was walking down the street and I turned to look at something and a man walked full force into me, I was doubled over and couldn't breathe as I was completely winded and my boyfriend said, ;Why don't you look where you're fucking going?' Another time I took the bus to meet him on a Friday, I was going from London to Liverpool and called him when I got there. He told me to wait in a specific place and I had never been there before so wasn't sure where it was. I had been on the bus for hours to see him and he pulled up in the car didn't say hello he just said, 'You're waiting on the wrong side of the fucking road, get in.'

There's loads more that he's done and I feel so sad and hurt that he treats me like this. Do you know why he's like this and what I can do to change it?

Wow this was awful to read.
Please dump him he is an arsehole and has no respect for you at all. Leaving you at the pub ?! Disgusting. Why do you keep in contact with him? Surprise him and black his number so his calls don’t connect and please try build some confidence and don’t allow people to treat you this way. You really don’t deserve this treatment

OP. Why do you keep posting about this? You’ve been doing this for months now under several different names and the outcome is always the same. Everyone tells you to leave him as he just isn’t interested but you never, ever listen. What on earth do you hope to achieve?

Please re-read what PP have said and consider it carefully. This man is a sadist, probably a narcissist, very likely dangerous and very likely to escalate the abuse. This is an abusive relationship. Back when you were a child your boundaries got trashed by your upbringing; when that happens it makes it harder for us as adults to see when someone is trashing our boundaries. He calls you when you try to end the relationship because this is what narcissists do - look up hoovering - he’s addicted to having you at his beck and call. Your New Year’s resolution should be: leave him. Do the Freedom Programme. Invest in therapy with a therapist you trust. You are young. Don’t waste any more of your life.

OP he and his friends don't like you, they are using you as s source of amusement. I wouldn't be surprised if they actually plan ways to make you look foolish or convince you you have done something wrong just to see your reaction to them.
Please tell him it's over and block him. If he comes back it's because he and his mates don't have anyone else to tease.
Get rid for your own sake.

OP, I was bullied at school which is not half as bad as being bullied at home, and I remember thinking that everyone knew there was something wrong with me and couldn't figure out what it was. There was nothing wrong with me and there is nothing wrong with you, there is something terribly wrong with your family and your bf.

Find yourself a therapist and take the Freedom Programme. Nobody deserves to be treated like this.

He just sounds awful, bordering on evil to be honest, this is certainly no way to treat someone. If I were you I’d text him saying it’s over and you want no further contact and then block him on your phone and any other way he contacts you (social media etc). You get nothing from this ‘relationship’.

Why are you letting him treat you like this? You know that it isn't normal and you are worth more than this.

He doesn't do anything to show you that he loves you, because he doesn't love you and also doesn't want anyone else to have you.

Tell him the relationship is over and block all forms of communication. If he won't take no for an answer contact the police for advice.

OP - a lot of people on this thread really don't understand abuse or abusive relationships, and how hard it is to leave. You are in a doubly hard situation as you're being told from all sides - your family and friends as well - that you are somehow at fault.

You are not at fault. He is treating you terribly, and you do not deserve this. No one deserves this. There is NOTHING you have done to make him act this way, it is all of his own choosing.

Can you try and find a support group? Or some sort of support network - new friends, or work colleagues - not the people who are being poisonous to you already.

You are strong - so strong to have been putting up with this. Use that strength to leave him again, block, and never look back. Make 2020 your year of freedom from all the people who are treating you like shit - there really are nice ones out there, and you can find them x

I also think in starting a thread the OP knows she should leave and is looking for courage.

We don’t blame you op

If your family behave in a similar fashion towards you, then could it be possible that you have been conditioned into allowing yourself to be treated badly and you don't pick up on early signals. This then progresses as he has seen that you accept it and he now enjoys playing with your head and gets off on being horrible knowing full well you might call it but won't actually do anything about it. The only way to have a better relationship and be treated in a way that will make you happy is to end this and get some therapy before you start another one so that you can work through the past and learn how to recognise a bad apple. Learn your self worth and only accept to be treated the way you want to be treated 💐💐

You have had an abusive upbringing and you are with an abusive man because it is familiar.

Leaving is about changing your mindset on what you will and won’t tolerate and if you change your mindset then your whole world as you know it collapses too.

Saying you are not going to put up with this shit again and putting up the defences to follow through would mean that every relationship would come under scrutiny and you would end up with no one.

But ultimately starting again without any toxicity in your life is the most freeing thing you can do

I know it will be hard dumping him and then stopping yourself going back to him but there are a lot of good resources, books, programmes, counselling etc that I think you should use to strengthen your resolve.

I would also look at going at least low contact with your family for the moment and maybe No contact in the long run.

It doesn’t have to be a dramatic “I’m not talking to you again” statement.

Just take back control a little at a time.

If you visit everyday start to miss out on a day here and there, if they mention it say you weren’t feeling very well, you were tired, you had something else on.

Get another job in the evenings, work Saturday/Sunday so you have an excuse not to go out with people. Or if these people ask you out you have an excuse that you are tired.

Start doing things on your terms

Start saving for your escape and a life without these toxic people and with the knowledge that you never get mixed up in this type of person again.

It isn’t going to be easy and it won’t happen overnight but make 2020 the year you change.

I am a firm believer in changing your life.
New City, New name, New reality.

I don't understand why someone is accusing me of having been posting about this before. I posted because I didn't understand why my bf had invited his friend instead of me to his friend's Christmas party. I haven't posted about my relationship before.

I'm still finding it hard to get my head around this not being my fault because that isn't what I'm being told. I don't know why his friends don't like me as I've never spoken to them or their girlfriends. They've been like this from the beginning so it's not something I've done, as far as I know.

The first time I met some of them I sat down and said hello and they ignored me. My bf was talking to one of his friends all night and I tried to talk to some of the other people at the table but they just ignored me as though I wasn't there so I just sat there all night saying nothing which is exactly how it's been ever since.

I have spoken to my bf about this but it doesn't change so now I don't go out with them as I end up by myself all night. That's why we don't spend weekends together, because he wants to go out with his friends and I won't go out with them as it's humiliating.

I really don't appreciate being called a laughing stock as I'm not. I think it's because they are jealous of our relationship or resent me taking him away from them. On our first date they all turned up in the pub and I was kind of elbowed out and away from the group. They kind of create a barrier between me and him. One of his friends, like I said, keeps telling me that he wants to sleep with me and because I've said no is now very argumentative and angry with me. He's always having a go at me about everything, especially regarding how I treat my bf.

My bf gets really nasty when he drinks whisky so I've asked him not to drink it when he's with me. He doesn't but his friend was telling me that I'm controlling and completely out of order for stopping him doing what he wants, so I don't think the situation is as simple as it seems. He also makes up lies about me for some reason, saying I've done or said things that I haven't. I try to keep away from them all.

It feels like I'm in a tug of war and that I have to constantly be 'on' or my bf loses interest. I have to entertain him or his eyes glaze over and he wants to leave or he phones his friends to meet up with them when he's with me. He doesn't want me to have needs or be in a bad mood, if I am he just leaves. If I have a go at him about his behaviour he says nothing, just looks at me and waits until I've finished then carries on as usual.

If I'm upset about anything he gets very quiet and just stares into space and he tells me that he doesn't believe me about a lot of things, he needs verification from other people that it happened which I find strange.

He apologised for taking his friend to the Christmas party. He doesn't just do it to me, we were out for his dad's birthday and his parents had travelled quite far to see him and it was a big birthday. He left early as he wanted to meet up with his friends. I said that we had to stay as it was his dad's birthday but he just got up and left. I was left there with his parents and other members of his family. I went with his brother to find him and he was in a pub where one of his friends works and all his friends were there.

I don't know how to put down boundaries with people. I told him on the night of his dad's birthday that it was rude to leave and I wasn't going so he just got up and left. I tell him that his friend's don't talk to me and they are rude to me and he ignores me and carries on. I say I'll see him in a certain place and he doesn't turn up and tells me he was there all night. I do have a go at him and tell him that I think his behaviour is out of order.

I was mugged (I live in quite a rough area) and someone held a knife to my throat. The mugger was caught and I went to court as a witness. I had to face the man who attacked me and threatened to slit my throat. My boyfriend said he couldn't take the day off work to support me as he was busy at work but he's a temp. When I got back from court he called me and had a go at me for not telling what happened. I said that he didn't give a shit anyway and I wasn't sure why he was so pissed off that I hadn't called.

When I've dumped him, he's said that he misses me and wants to be with me but as soon as we get back together, immediately goes out with his friends.

I know the relationship is unhealthy but what I am doing to address it isn't making any difference. When I speak to people about it, they think he's a really nice guy and that I am lucky to have him. Everyone tells me that so it's difficult to see that it's everyone's fault and not mine. I don't understand why people are treating me like this including him. I saw some of his friends in the street the other day and said hello and they just blanked me and walked past.

We're not together at Christmas or New Year as he's with his family as I'm by myself as I'm estranged from mine. I have had boyfriends before and they have wanted to spend time with me and seemed to like me, I don't understand why he's with me if he doesn't like me or why he wants to get back together when I dump him.

I'm am tired of it and it doesn't seem to change. I posted here as I was wondering if there was something I was doing that I couldn't see but it seems that there's nothing I can do. I'm still finding it hard after two years of being told that it's me, that it's not and it's him. He keeps telling me that it's me, it's my fault and because everyone ignores me and doesn't talk to me, it feels like it is. I'm just really confused.

You don't need to be confused. You need to walk away and then see how much clearer everything seems then.

@boyfriendproblem

The more updates I read from you the more I’m reminded of a story I once read about a group of ‘people’ (I use that term for them very loosely) who pretended to befriend a young vulnerable woman, one was her ‘boyfriend’ etc and they were all mean to her and nice to each other.

They ended up killing her OP, they tortured her in a flat one night after luring her there and she was killed by them.

Please OP, realise that being alone with no friends would be better than what’s going on now.

You can't see the wood for the trees. Often when people leave abusers and a little time passes for their heads to clear, they realise they should have got out of there sooner. But whilst with an abusive partner, we find ourselves in this fog, that they keep us in. You have to shake it off just enough to get yourself away and stay a way for a while.

If it will help to lift the fog a little:
*His friends don't like you because he has told them horrible things about you. Common examples would be: that you are manipulative, mean or crazy or that he doesn't want to be with you but you have threatened to harm yourself if he leaves.

• He doesn't stay with you because he cares, he stays with you because you are his narcissistic supply. Meaning: he gets a buzz out of making you feel small, of hurting your feelings and generally treating you badly. He enjoys making you feel powerless and like you are the problem. He is basically a playground bully. Does that help you paint the picture? *You are not the problem and nothing you do to change YOUR behaviour will change his. Because he is who he is. And who he is is a nasty, manipulative narcissist.

You don't need to be confused. The reason you are confused is you have this framework in your head of 'he must care about me deep down, because everyone cares about their partners and because I care about him. So maybe I am just misunderstanding or perhaps he doesn't understand that his behaviour is hurtful so if I could just explain properly...'

The framework you should have is: 'He doesn't like me, he doesn't actually like anyone. He is a bully. He is a taker. He KNOWS his behaviour is hurtful. He just doesn't CARE. Infact, often he enjoys hurting me because it makes him feel powerful. Nothing I can say or do will change who he fundamentally is. I deserve better. No one deserves to be manipulated and abused'.

I'm still finding it hard to get my head around this not being my fault because that isn't what I'm being told. I don't know why his friends don't like me as I've never spoken to them or their girlfriends. They've been like this from the beginning so it's not something I've done, as far as I know

Have you thought that he might have told them you are some stalker who keeps hanging round and he needs protecting from you.

Or just that they are a bunch of nasty bullies and you are their victim

The guy who is trying to sleep with you is trying to get you in a vulnerable position.

It isn’t about him liking you it is about him having power over you.

I know the relationship is unhealthy but what I am doing to address it isn't making any difference

What are you doing?

You have dumped him but then take him back when he says he misses you.

When you take him back each time what do you think is going to happen.

He is playing with you and you are allowing it.

Whilst he is away from you start planning your 2020.

As I said above you need to get strong so you can put in proper boundaries that mean you can spot abusive people

Stop trying to analyse every situation.

He doesn’t like you but needs someone to control and manipulate and play with.

You deep down don’t like him but with your upbringing to some extent you need someone to control and manipulate and toy with you.

You can’t change other people you can only change yourself.

Think of your life as being like the area you live in.

It is a rough area. You have already been attacked once. It isn’t doing you any good so you need to change the area you live in.

Get a plan do some extra work, declutter your life, save up and then change where you live.

And yes he probably is the nicest guy going to everyone else.

That is standard abusive behaviour

They don’t abuse everyone, they just abuse one.

This man is seriously diminishing your quality of life. It definitely isn't your fault and the only thing wrong with you, OP, is your inability to draw clear boundaries.

What about the rest of your life?
Do you have a job that you like?
Do you have hobbies that you enjoy?
Where do you see yourself in five years time?
Don't waste time on people who don't appreciate you.

Join the Freedom Programme, which is either free or very cheap and there should be a group near you. Get some therapy. I know it is expensive but you really need it.

boundaries mean that when you say something you stick to it, even if it means walking away from that person.
It doesnt mean dumping them and then taking them back, especially when they carry on behaving the same way.
It means saying that something is rude, and if they just go ahead and do what they wont / dont defend you from the people being unkind that you WALK AWAY
You cannot make an arsehole behave properly. You can only walk away and find someone else who respects reasonable boundaries.
There are millions and millions of men out there, you dont need to saddle yourself with someone who is such a dick and treats you like trash.
I expect the issue with the court case is because someone asked him what was happening and he didnt know because he wasnt there - he was shown up by someone else so he was angry and took it out on you. If he actually cared about you he would have gone to court to support you.
All this is about him. And his feelings and wants. His interactions with you feed something evil in him - a feeling of power, his victim status with his friends, his need to be adored on his terms, his sexual needs. Who knows, but YOU are insignificant as an actual person.

Please do the freedom programme. Please refer yourself for counselling to undo the damage your childhood has done, and please get rid of this awful specimin

The thing is is that you are actually a laughing stock to them. They’re getting kicks out of doing horrible things to you and laughing at how pathetic you are that you take it. And why are you focusing on what other people say about him or your relationship, it’s not their relationship is it? How the fuck would they know? It’s not even a relationship, you only see each other once a week. This is just a fun game to him. Uber he doesn’t even have to try hard to get you back when you break up with him. And I don’t get why you started this thread because you’re just making excuses to stay with him. It really is easy to break up with someone ‘at the snap of your fingers’, especially when they treat you like shit and you don’t really see them anyway.

This is not your fault, not something you are doing ‘wrong’. This man is the one with the problem, and it seems he hangs out with people who reinforce his world view. You will never make this man or his friends like you or treat you with respect. People like this simply don’t have any blueprint for a caring and equal relationship and they are incapable of offering love. Deep down they usually don’t love themselves - but that’s not your problem and you didn’t cause it. You sound sensitive and caring. Go find your tribe, they are out there.

The question isn’t ‘why is he like that?’

The question - the only question is: why are you still with him?

What has made you value yourself so little?

OP it’s time to start behaving like someone who wants a happy life - an adult who understands she has choices, that life is a long string of choices. That person would immediately end this pathetic, worthless ‘relationship’ with this horrible man.

Your mindset is keeping you trapped in squalid misery. You are doing that to yourself. Lift your head, take a leap of faith and move towards the positive. End the relationship - and you don’t need drama for that, you can just say “this isn’t working for me, it’s over.” - no endless intense conversations, that’s just more time-wasting.

I'm sorry OP some people are just nasty and enjoy being horrible to others. It might be because that's the behaviour they've learnt from their parents. It might have been they way they were brought up. It might be because of their personality or a mental health issue. There are lots of reasons people become abusers.

But people never become abusers because the person they are with has made them do it - adults are in control of their own behaviour and he is actively choosing to treat you like this. Ignoring you, lying to you, gaslighting you, being unsupportive, manipulative and just generally rude and nasty are all things he is deciding to do to you.

I mean he treats you like shit and you manage not to abuse him. If he really found it that difficult being with you and wanted you to change so much, he would just leave. Instead he twists the knife further by blaming you for 'making him' act that way, which is a classic abusers trick.

My guess is he is egging his friends on to treat you badly as well, because he enjoys your discomfort, and telling them lies about you to try and justify why you deserve it.

It sounds like you had a difficult upbringing if you are estranged from your family, and this has resulted in you having such low self esteem you are surrounding yourself with people who are horrible to you because you feel like you deserve it (eg friends that are saying you are lucky to have him instead of the other way around). Well you dont deserve it because nobody deserves to be treated like that, no matter what their faults are.

Please leave him and work on yourself

Even if everything he was saying was true (it's NOT), the best thing would STILL be for you two to separate.
Who cares whose fault it is? He's making you miserable. He says you're making him miserable without even trying to!
You deserve to be happy, and you're not happy with him.
Dump him and then block him completely. Dont speak to him again. You're just going around in the same toxic cycle, and you should break free of him.

By the way, those of us suggesting therapy and Freedom Programme are doing so because you could use some caring and respectful relationships that help you heal from the wounds inflicted by this, and earlier, relationships in your life (your family). When we are children we’ve no choice but to bond with our caregivers no matter how crap at caring they actually are. We learn it’s all ‘our fault’ from a very young age and if we meet people like your man, we tend to repeat a pattern of trying to please - because we’ve learned that’s what we must do to survive. I’m a therapist who works with people who’ve had similar experiences to yours, OP, and I’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship. You can get through this and it’s NOT your fault.