Recently separated from controlling partner - now I can...

[everythingbackbutyou]

...put glasses in the dishwasher
...go to bed when I please
...leave toys out in the living room overnight
...cut up all kinds of food without 'helpful' input and micromanagement
....allow my children to act like children without fearing they will provoke harsh words
...leave the washing up until later with nobody to ask bitingly what you've been doing all day

What can other people in the same situation do now that they couldn't before?

I bought myself and iPad 😂 dyed my hair!

Love this thread

I haven’t left but mine would be “go to the supermarket and shop without it being a military precision task to be completed super efficiently and very seriously”

Make decisions without them being questioned and ridiculed, which led to me questioning my decisions and then I'd be told I am indecisive and incapable of making decisions.
Have a go at stuff without being told "You should have left it for me, you know you can't manage anything yourself"
Allow my children to have friends round whenever they like without being told I'm being used by friends parents.
Eat my tea with the children instead of waiting around for someone who may decide suddenly at 10pm that they aren't going to eat after all. Despite 20 message saying they are really hungry and can't wait to sit down and have dinner together.
Make plans without someone being angry they weren't involved in making them, despite them cancelling plans we made daily.
Like myself! I did before I met him and it has taken me a long time to realise I still do. I'm ok.
Choose how I want the house to look. And love my choices.
Not feel on edge allthefuckingtime
Live in a house where everyone is allowed to have feelings and be involved in decision making like it was before. I've always treated my kids as equals and allowed them to voice their feelings and opinions-then made the final decisions with this in mind. Because im the adult but im a fair one. This was criticised as me being an inept parent.
Not be told everyone in my life is using me or treating me badly when they aren't.
See/talk to my parents whenever I like without someone making it difficult.
I'm going to enjoy this Christmas with my kids and family. Hope you do too!

Paint rooms colours other than white.
Have lunch at times other than 1pm.
Have fairy lights on the house at Xmas
Leave the washing up until the morning occasionally
Have a lie-in
Go on holiday somewhere warm
Try a new restaurant every month if I want.

Life is brilliant

I left mine 5 weeks ago. A few days ago after my bath I looked down at my arms as I was drying myself and at first I couldn't figure out what was different... I then realised it was the first time in 3 years that I hadn't got any bruises. No more wearing long sleeves to hide my arms from friends and family

I left an abusive boyfriend 17 years ago. I’ll add - - being able to hold a conversation / work with a male colleague without worrying it would slip out later and result in a two hour grilling about the possibility of me fancying them or having an affair with them

• being able to go on a night out without a tantrum on my return about me potentially having flirted with someone
• not living in fear of saying something wrong

Gobto bed when I want. Go on my mobile when I want. Speak to anyone I want. Spend MY money on things I choose. Pay bills on time. Sit and eat whatever I want, when I want. Wear what I want. Be who I am. Talk to my children and family when I want.

All the above and more was always an issue, or at least soon after we got together. I have to say after having counselling my mindset had shifted regarding needing to be in a relationship with someone who passive aggressively micromanages my life. It really suits me being free 😉

This is so familiar...
... have kids friends round without being told I'm a mug
...feed my children what I want when I want
...not have to "lend" money to someone who tells me I'm crap with money
...not listen to what a bad parent/wife I am
... listen to all his admirable achievements
... not be forced into sex I don't want
...not have to listen to his obsession to control his ex wife which he tried to mask as caring for his children
...not have to listen to him mumbling under his breath
...not have to put up with and try and minimise his over reaction to anything not going his way
Our house feels so light and free and full of energy now he has gone and is no longer bringing his cloud of misery and control

I can have peaceful days, everyday without having to listen to the boring fucker. God he was dull above everything else.

-I can look around when I go out in stead of having to stare at the floor
-see my friends and family again
-not live in fear of the kids upsetting him and all out world war breaking out

Have a glass of wine without worrying that a) he'll start screaming that I'm a cheap tart and b) without worrying that he'll throw me out onto the street knowing that I can't go anywhere because I've had a drink and therefore won't drive.

I can have my evening shower whenever I want. I can give my opinions without being shouted at, and told I'm wrong. I can watch Netflix and fart about on my phone without being told off for not giving my undivided attention. I can sort out my own problems without being constantly guilted into sorting out his every bloody issue. I can walk around in my pj's without being constantly mauled. I can have every evening to myself without constant phonecalls to discuss the tedious tiny details of his day/childhood trauma/absolute fucking nonsense. I can go out without having to babysit or manage the moodswings of an adult.

Watch whatever shite I want to on telly without being told throughout everything he thinks is crap about it, ditto listening to music. Plus all the have friends round, relax in my own home as all eggshells me and the kids have been tip toeing miraculously disappeared when he left etc.

I wish I could send this to my sister. Maybe it would give her the strength to leave her twat of an abusive “partner” Sadly she’s not quite at that stage yet.

When I met DH, i was so careful not to contradict him or give my opinion on anything that it drove him crazy. I would also flinch if I said anything less than positive, or if he came towards me unexpectedly. It was because my ex was so controlling and abusive that I wasn't used to not walking on eggshells and didn't know how to act around someone normal. I then started pushing the boundaries like a child once I realised DH was not going to hit me or shout at me. It took a long time before I was a normal person, but it felt so liberating and extravagant to just voice an opinion or do something I felt like without having to check if it was allowed.

@Protectivebigsis, have hope that she will find her strength when the time is right. This time last year I could only fantasize about telling my stbxh to take a hike, but I am 6 weeks out and starting on the road to recovery. I found my strength little by little and so thankful for all I have gained.

To be able to get out of a car without being told "watch your legs". He chose all of my clothes (70s), short skirts for him of course, but anyone else ... no way. Those words still resonate in my mind every time i get in and out of a car, even a happy re-marriage later.

I can decorate, and if I don’t like it I can decorate again!

Use Brillo pads!

Leave the house without provoking a major sulk!

@robinsnest1967 you brave, wonderful, woman. You’re out, and you’re free, imagine what next year will feel like, when he And his damage are but a distant memory and don’t have power over you any more.

Wear whatever I like
Buy whatever I fancy
Bath/wash hair whenever
Go to bed /get up without being told to do so.
Talk to other people
Watch what I like on tv
Mainly not have to walk on eggshells around him, waiting for the next blow up.
Nearly two years free, has been lonely at times but so much more relaxed.

Slumberlina "I can watch Netflix and fart about on my phone".
This is the thread summed up!
How are these men reaching adulthood with these attitudes and behaviours?
Play this thread to all your daughters before they get married or have a child. If it rings true they should back out.

I really need to hear this today. I’ve told him I want to separate but I had a really bad day today, everything felt bleak and hopeless and I’m wavering. He’s not as bad as some on here but I constantly have to be mindful of upsetting him & manage his moods, he uses me as a dumping ground for his rage with the world, the kids won’t bring their friends home because they’re scared he’ll embarrass them, he tells me often that I’m a bad mother, calls me a harpie if I disagree with him, mumbles insults under his breath if I do something he dislikes and now he has pissed off my mum & sister so I can’t see them. He doesn’t hit me or force me to have sex....but the rest is pretty shit isn’t it?

I let my abusive ex many years ago but watched all medical dramas after he left till I got sick of them.

Congratulations to all of you who found the strength to leave abusive relationships. Well done!