Recently separated from controlling partner - now I can...

[everythingbackbutyou]

...put glasses in the dishwasher
...go to bed when I please
...leave toys out in the living room overnight
...cut up all kinds of food without 'helpful' input and micromanagement
....allow my children to act like children without fearing they will provoke harsh words
...leave the washing up until later with nobody to ask bitingly what you've been doing all day

What can other people in the same situation do now that they couldn't before?

Speak properly without stuttering....
If I started to speak & realise he would disapprove of what I was saying I used to panic, stutter & backtrack...
Absolute fucker.

It was four years ago for me but it was putting photographs of the kids on the wall. They are everywhere now and i love it.

Songs that have really spoken to me during this whole experience (I don't have any faith in these links working) and given me strength to take action-

Ride - End Game

Lush & Jarvis Cocker - Ciao!

Taylor Swift - Begin Again

Thank you for starting this OP, I needed to read this. Trying to convince myself I'm going to be ok when I leave.

When I do, I'll be able to:

Tell my kids that gay people and divorce actually exist
Go to my gay friend's wedding
Go anywhere with my friends without him sulking in the corner because the conversation isn't revolving around him
Eat biscuits, cake and whatever other shite I like without anyone hiding them from me or putting them up high where I can't reach them
Let the kids watch TV on a Sunday
Sleep without fear of being pawed at

Actually, I'm not done. I'm going to get a tattoo, buy my daughter a box set of the Harry Potter books and go to a Halloween party. And maybe one day I might even get to have sex with someone who knows what they're doing.

Go to the shop without being timed.
Wear make-up without being asked 'who I'm trying to impress'
See my friends.
Wear matching underwear without being accused of having an affair.

It's been 5 years, and that short list makes me cringe and laugh now. Wow!!!

Wear what I want.
Talk to whom I want.

@PaperDreamsHoney, was your partner a JW by chance?

@everythingbackbutyou No, but you're on the right track. I'm still on the inside, making plans to get out.

@PaperDreamsHoney, wishing you all the strength in the world. Isn't it grand when people use dogma and spirituality as a way of controlling other people? Although I expect that it a world-wide issue as well!

@everythingbackbutyou Thank you so much. The funny thing is that I didn't realise until I started reading blogs and listening to dissenting voices (the ones I've been trained to block out) that I began to realise how much of it is purely about controlling people and actually nothing to do with God or faith.

I love this thread. I didn't choose to split and was devestated but gradually I started to notice all the things I had changed about myself and my family eventually told me that i had been very distant and indecisive in the last year and that they were really glad to have the old me back.

Respect myself!

Among many other things, that is! Most are already included on here.

I'm saving this thread so I can refer back to it when I need to x

9+ years free now but I still enjoy the feeling of eating crisps. I wasn’t allowed. Too fat. He didn’t “really think you need those, do you?”

I left him 7 years ago and this still resonates with me.
Every child's birthday, day out, splurge purchase, spontaneous activitiy,day out with friends, party, after school club, honest conversation with my best friend, date with a non lunatic man, I enjoy them all with wild abandon and so do my amazing dds.

Childhoods saves

Wow. This thread is thoroughly shocking and totally inspiring at the same time.

I shouldn't be on here I suppose, I've been with a wonderful man for 30 years and this thread makes me realise how bloody lucky I am.

Can I just say I'm in awe of those of you who have got out of horrible relationships and wish you all the best, you are amazing, strong and inspiring.

Courage to those of you who need to leave, and hope you gain strength from the women on this thread who have already done so and changed their lives around

I didn't choose to split and was devestated

This was me too but my god I am so grateful now.

I’m a bit, actually very, clumsy. And whenever I would trip over something or spill something on myself he would roll his eyes and shake his head from side to side saying “what is wrong with you?” Oh and his favourite phrase “are you stupid or what?” Which then made me more nervous and more clumsy! So now when I spill something I can just laugh it off instead of feeling a deep shame and being told off like a small child.

So much of people’s lists resonated with me. I found myself saying “yes!” to many of the things already mentioned. I feel so happy, light and free now. The best gift he ever gave me was leaving me!

Grow my hair
Have the heating on
Fix things in the house
Get the windows cleaned
By presents for others
Have music and laughter in the house
Have people over
Have a good relationship with my ILs
Go out w/o being summoned back
Work in peace
Not be forced to clean
Turn the washing machine on
Leave toys out
Listen to the radio

@TheOrigFV45 Go out w/o being summoned back

OMG yes! The panic because he's texting every 2 minutes saying the kids need me right now and there's nothing I can effing do to make the bus come any faster!

6 years out here.
The sheer joy of not having to cook 5 joints of meat, potatoes 3 ways and on and on. Not having to fund masses of presents piled under a huge tree. No more matching glasses to drinks. No more having to gee up dd to look excited. No more stomach rolling over in fear. Joy Joy Joy.
Dd asleep. 3 cats asleep(all post ex). Still in pj's. 4 cans of cheap lager in the fridge for later because I like lager not wine.
If anyone phones or texts it won't be turned into a drama.
I hope you all have a lovely enjoyable fun Christmas!

I have a kind, loving DP but I must admit this thread makes me a bit wistful. I wouldn't choose to be on my own right now but if life handed me that situation there would definitely be many silver linings. I'm unconvinced that men and women are particularly programmed to live together once the basic reproduction is done and dusted.

I do wish we had more house guests. My own childhood was a busy, merry household of friends, family and unexplained randoms waltzing through. DP isn't keen on having people round and I realise I've let this slide into having a quiet home despite what I'd like.

So my new years resolution is to address this and to actively invite guests to pop in. Life's too fucking short. Merry Christmas dears.

Eat what I like.
Not spend weekends cooking like a restaurant.
Laugh without my laugh being mocked.
Write ditto.
Drive ditto.
Iron clothes ditto.
Sing ditto.
Phone my sister.
Not answer the door to an unknown woman who says she’s his girlfriend, and where is he?
Not be reminded constantly that our AOONB is full of old mineshafts, so no one will ever find my body.
Meet someone nice.

@MorrisZapp you can have the best of both worlds if you manage to keep an eye on the compromises made, I'm sure.

For me, 1st Christmas without abusive controlling sulking ex.

I was a little nervous but it has been just a lovely chilled day with lots of laughter.

I have plenty of day to day joyful moments without exh but here are today's:

• preparing the Christmas dinner and not worrying if it's "up to his standards"

• having another glass of wine after dinner without a dodgy look from exh

-letting the dc use their noisy crackers toys at the table without shushing them

• playing a noisy game after dinner without a misery guts telling us to calm down

• not being disappointed as I reach the end of the gifts and realise he has hot me morning, not even a bar of chocolate (several years running)- far better to know I had nothing coming
• choosing something the Dcs and I want to watch on tv and not just his choice
• watching what we wanted without someone raining on our parade afterwards and picking the film to pieces til the dc are upset
• best of all, a whole day of fun with the dc without that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach of trying to anticipate his mood and appease him

Why did I wait so long to leave?

• eat as loudly as I like
• only have sex if I want to
• smile in photos
• play loudly with my son in the morning
• actually do my job as I’m not reliant on keeping up the pretence that he does childcare
• stay up later than I want to
• watch TV I hate or be accused of being antisocial
• go on my phone when I’m in bed
• cut my hair short
• be friends with men
• be late home from work
• go out with a friend without having to send photo updates
• relax