Recently separated from controlling partner - now I can...

[everythingbackbutyou]

...put glasses in the dishwasher
...go to bed when I please
...leave toys out in the living room overnight
...cut up all kinds of food without 'helpful' input and micromanagement
....allow my children to act like children without fearing they will provoke harsh words
...leave the washing up until later with nobody to ask bitingly what you've been doing all day

What can other people in the same situation do now that they couldn't before?

@Fightingmycorner2019, these lyrics (by Lush) sum it up perfectly for me -

Single girl, I don't want to be a single girl
Single girl, I don't want to be a single girl
Don't want to be on my own again tonight
Don't want to put out the light
Single girl, I don't want to be a single girl
Single girl, who would want to be a single girl
Don't want to talk to myself again tonight don't want to put out the light
When you abandoned me
Well, it was heaven sent
When I abandoned you
It was what you meant
Well, it was me that knew it
And it was you that went
Haven't changed our minds it was meant to be
Don't want to clean up your mess again tonight
Don't want to be in a fight
And I can do what I want again tonight
With who I choose, it's alright
Single girl, I just want to be a single girl

Wonderful thread this!

Having visitors tops my list, there are too many to list but a few big ones that come to mind are....

Not having a heart sinking feeling when a text arrives because it’s probably him sending a photo of something I’ve done wrong in the house

Not being pawed at for sex after he’s been horrible to me all day

Not having threats that the health visitor will be called next time I don’t clean the fridge

Being allowed to go out for a couple of hours without him calling his sister and mum over to help him look after his children whom i have apparently abandoned

Doing the dishes when I want

Playing with the kids as much as I want and sometimes relaxing with them too and deciding some household things can wait

Earning money, going to work, making new friends

A living room with some space that actually looks like a family home with 2 small children, instead of a bachelor pad with toys crammed in the corners

Calling an actual professional to fix things in the house instead of having to not speak to him for an entire day for fear of being snapped at while he did a crap job of doing it himself (too tight to pay someone)

Not being lonely as soon as the kids go to bed

Occasionally letting the kids do something out of the norm as a treat without it being a massive big issue about my awful parenting

Not having a leather sofa when I’ve literally always said I don’t like them and then he went out and bought a massive leather sofa anyway and I had no say because I didn’t earn the money

So many things! I enjoyed writing that. This is my first Christmas out and it’s been hard because it meant I didn’t have the kids all the time. Really hard, there have been tears. Now Christmas is out of the way though I’m again realising how massively worth it it’s all been.

@Flyg, so many of yours resound with me! The money thing - my stbxh had 2 settings for this - his money and our money. Whenever I mentioned 'my' money he would say with great exasperation "You just don't get it, do you? It's OUR money". Phew, then I shouldn't have to ask grovellingly for money so I can buy the kids new clothes then, no? Seeing as it's ours I guess that's why I can't access your account...
And YES to the bachelor pad with kids' toys in the corner. In his opinion, the house was always a disaster. I would have bought into it if other people weren't always commenting on how spotless my place was, and they didn't know how I managed to keep it so tidy with 3 kids.

-Not have to answer every one of his calls or 'call on the hour every hour' just for him to forget he asked me to ring and moan about me ringing
-To not have to be happy all the time when we speak, but not too happy when he's 'stressed'
-I don't have to watch my tone or over think everything I say. Make sure I speak clear, don't mumble
-To open the bedroom curtains when I wake up
-For us to make as much noise as we please during the day
-I can be indecisive and change my mind
-Not have to hide valuables
-and I don't have to listen to his RUBBISH moaning/abuse for hours without saying a word other than to agree.
I'm actually smiling at the thought of calling it rubbish! The amount of times I've had conversations with him in my head saying what I really want to say, as he talks at me. Or as childish as this is, pull a face when his backs turned! That's embarrassing to admit:)

-

Sing and hum around the house. I wasn't allowed to do that for years

My DH has told me he is leaving. I'm heart broken and sad it has not worked out. However, I am hoping that in a little while I am going to be able to say:

Not feel lonely in my own home too. I'm never more lonely than when he is here.
Wear makeup, do my hair and wear nice clothes. He doesn't stop me wearing them but he has made me feel worthless and unattractive for years and ridiculed me when I got dressed up.
Not walk on egg shells.
Laugh, make jokes, banter. When he is here everyone is miserable. He makes my DS cry.

Thing is, I'm scared because he has not left yet and I am feeling terrible.

I have some more....having reflected on the past week (and how different it was from previous Xmases)....

• the kids and I had a lovely peaceful Xmas time.
• you can see the difference in my kids now, compared with last year: in their behaviour, how relaxed/calm they are and so on. Loads of family/friends have commented on it. School grades are also up.
• the bottle of pink gin (that I had bought in December 2018 and took to my best friend's place, which she then took back to me when STBXH "absconded" with one of my now ex mates) is still in my fridge. He would have drank it all in no time. And then lied about it! NB I rarely drink alcohol, and I never drink more than one or two units - more often I will measure out a half unit!
• none of his crap left everywhere.
• it's purely down to me (and kids) when housework is done. I do it, the kids help, and the place remains tidy (mostly!!! Call it "lived in"!!!).
• I don't come down to find the kitchen in a state (after I'd left it all tidy). He used to refuse dinner with me and the kids (prob down to drugs/drinking), then at bollock o'clock in the morning, would make himself a big fry up: and leave mess everywhere (he'd drop eggs on floor and not clean them up, oil/grease/crumbs everywhere).
• the kids can relax and play, and make noise in their own home. He was often hungover etc and would yell at them to stop (I mean normal children playing and laughing together, not them shouting/screaming).
• the house is quieter. TV not on all day (on some crappy channel that HE likes), heating not left on with doors and windows open.
• no cigarette ash found on inner windowsills (he smokes - I don't. I wouldn't allow smoking in the house/cars, but he often flaunted that rule and then lied about it!). Leading to....the house doesn't stink of cigarette smoke!!! :D

There are SO many things that are different for the better, and that we can do now compared with before. Twelve months ago, I slung him out (having given him an ultimatum and sticking with it), but had been willing to work on things, had he properly engaged in getting sober/clean. When he buggered off with my ex friend a few weeks down the line, I was devastated....but he did me the biggest favour. He set me free and became her problem (NB they didn't last. 5 months in, they split, and he tried to come crawling back. I told him no).

To all, I wish you a happy new year. May 2020 be healthy, happy and successful for you all :D

When my DF left the family home it was great. We didn't have to:

Shut all the doors to keep the heat in
Tuck the curtains behind everything on the window sills
Could wear shoes without laces
Not eat all our dinner if we were not hungry
Wear make up
Not be sent upstairs at 8pm each night (this was 2005 so not forever ago!)
Play with friends on Sundays
Watch cartoons and play computer games on Sundays
Go to church

The list is endless. DM and DF stayed together way too long. Life was so much better when they split. I am a firm believer in splitting for the sake of the kids given how my life improved. I grew into myself and had previously been a mere shell under DF's rule.

I’m the daughter of an abusive relationship. I’m 48 now. I left home around 20 and the first thing I noticed was the fear had left. I didn’t walk around on tenterhooks waiting for home to come home drunk, beat up mum and tear the house apart ... yet again.
I could eat what I wanted, he didn’t let us eat food from other cultures.
I was no longer called fat all the time.
I could just BREATHE!

Siblings and I are all fucked up to various degrees and my parents are still together, he is still a cunt. I felt for sure he’d kill us all. I still have reoccurring dreams about it. I always feared what the neighbours thought about us as there was always screaming at night, we’d always be running away from the house looking for a safe place to hide.

Even now, if dh comes home late and I’m in bed and hear footsteps, I get scared and remember that I no longer have to worry. I’m safe.

Funny how the heating is such a recurring theme ! Same here
It’s on later and Off earlier

Eldest DS has suddenly started cooking 🍳
Which is lovely 😊

Anyone else finding all the “how’s your life changed in a decade” things on social media tough? I didn’t even know my ex ten years ago. I’d just split up with my high school sweetheart, I was 25 and could have done anything and gone anywhere. Instead, 9 months later I met him, and don’t feel like I’ve achieved anything (except for our wonderful son). Now I’m single again, except with the responsibility of a child and a shit tonne of debt my ex got me into to pay off, and the stress of going to court coming up. Sorry, I know this is meant to be a positive thread, and I’m so grateful for it, but finding tonight especially hard.

@Emma330912, in the last year or so I have been keeping a running commentary in my head as my stbxh has been berating- speaking to me, just like you describe. Also much mouthing of "Oh fuck OFF" as I walk away has been very therapeutic.

It’s best to keep off Facebook
Thankfully Xmas and NY is OVER
Terrible time of the year , ugh

I am feeling stronger BUT had to handle a terrible fight between my two hurting children at midnight . So I am
Aware that whilst I am happy that grumpy cunt has fucked off , they are hurting

Roll on spring

@Treesinthewind, yes - I'm finding the 10 year thing depressing too, even though things have recently changed for the infinite better. I've been feeling sorry for myself today. Stuck in the house with 3 kids because of dreadful weather with no plans for NYE and feeling like billy no mates! Looking around, I am realising how isolated I have been for the past couple of decades.I haven't had the energy or impetus to focus on making friends because there's nothing left after being so hypervigilant and stressed in my home life. Also, my stbxh seemed to hate socialising with other couples or hanging out with other families (probably because they failed to realise that he was the legit centre of the universe). On top of that, where I live is also quite a cliquey place, with a definite "We're not auditioning for new friends right now" vibe. So what I am trying to say is that I feel very lonely at the moment...

• Sleep with tv off
• Sleep with lights off
• See who I want
• Go where I want, when I want
• See my family
• Make new friends
• Buy what I want
• Live in peace, not be shouted and swore at

Urgh. Where do I start?

Eggshells. Always eggshells.
The sound of the car in the drive and the key in the lock. Heart sinking.
Our 21 yr old DC saying how nobody’s allowed to have any fun in the house.
No laughing
No joking
No teasing
Taking all his work stress out on me. For 25 years.
Being told yet again how he’d told me something already. (Tbh, I think I’m in frozen rabbit stage. Sometimes he says things and I completely forget)
The swinging between incandescent rage and being nice again. Really fucks with my head.

There will be more.

Still with him but determined to be on my own this time in 12 months

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie, it's the things the kids say that can be your key to taking action, definitely. I noticed my 12 yo saying things like "Is dad working late tonight?". If I said no, she made a disappointed sound. Made me realise that kids are affected more than I thought. Also heartbreaking to hear my 3 yo say "Daddy's mean" and "Daddy's always yelling". Does your partner use that special condescending tone to let you know he's told you something already, that conveys without saying it that you must be simple to have forgotten.

@everythingbackbutyou, I'll never forget my (then) 12yr old son telling me, "Don't worry Mummy, it's not your fault. I'm used to it" on Xmas morning 2018. [STBXH had disappeared Xmas Eve (binging on drink/drugs, it turned out) and I chucked him out when he got back. I'd tried to shield the kids from the crap, but obviously it didn't work. I never want my kids to be "used to" crappy behaviour like that]

Happy New Year guys x

@everythingbackbutyou Of course he does! I’m not aware of him ever giving that look to anyone else.

I used to be an intelligent woman. I think I still am...

Cook
Watch what I want
Say anything without being contradicted or mimicked
Talk to men
Not having to guard my phone in case he saw something he didn’t like
Wear what I want without third degree

It was the most relieving thing in the world when my mum finally divorced my dad (though I was still forced to go stay with him, which was horrible and I hated every single second of being with him growing up). Freedom meant:
Spilling water wouldn't mean being called stupid. Wouldn't be made to stand in from of him whislt he was drunk and being told everything that was wrong with me, why I was so stupid etc. Could listen to music. Was allowed to talk. Didn't have to be hyper aware of what mood he was in so as to know when was best to talk to him/ask a question.

@TheLittleRedToothbrush Hello! Soooo glad you’re still ok and are making up for lost time.

@everythingbackbutyou Lonely here too. My ex was also antisocial so we’ve never had couple friends. I think I kidded myself that because I maintained friendships despite him not wanting me to, it was ok that he didn’t want me to and guilted me about spending time with people other than him and our son. I totally understand the not having had time for anything else too. I did so much for my ex and now I’ve started thinking all the requests for help were deliberately designed to keep me too busy and tired to think about how unhappy I was. Hope you’re having a good start to the year x

I haven’t left yet but am determined this year as have just turned 50 and it seems to of tipped me over the edge. What I’m looking forward to is feeling relaxed can’t remember how that feels, not having to give him my undivided attention 24/7, his nasty comments of anything or anyone I like , him being jealous of my relationship with our children, him putting me down in front of them , being worried constantly that one of them will knock a drink over break a plate or scuff a wall, and not know by the heavy ness of his footsteps when he comes in as to what mood he is in,being ridiculed constantly don’t ask mum she won’t know,she’s always watching crap etc etc etc wish me luck I’m really going to need it he’s very clever with the now grown up kids really plays the game but I am ill at moment and in front of them he’s been lovely ,when they have left he’s been his usual self shouting at me not helping even when I’m in tears just wish I’d done it years ago as he’s so manipulative with the kids but they have lived with him and witnessed enough when I do it, it will be for me have spent enough years trying to keep all of the plates spinning just for them to have a mum and dad together