Recently separated from controlling partner - now I can...

[everythingbackbutyou]

...put glasses in the dishwasher
...go to bed when I please
...leave toys out in the living room overnight
...cut up all kinds of food without 'helpful' input and micromanagement
....allow my children to act like children without fearing they will provoke harsh words
...leave the washing up until later with nobody to ask bitingly what you've been doing all day

What can other people in the same situation do now that they couldn't before?

Have a job. Ridiculous, I know.

For me, the biggest omg moment was the first time I hung out the washing and realised no one was going to berate me for not pairing up the socks or hanging all the tshirts next to each other. I could literally put the clothes on the line in the order they came out of the machine and the world order was NOT compromised.
My kids took this to the extreme and wore odd socks every day which would never have been possible before.
There were lots of other things but that was the turning point about our lovely free lives.

...oh, and not have him making my friends and family cry from his cruel words which he claimed were just a joke.

to everyone on this thread who is now free, and good luck to anyone reading this who recognises themselves and their need to escape. It can be done

I know ! I was on another thread (the stuck with shit partners for Xmas ) and cannot believe i am Here finally
Finally !!!!!

I am still slightly traumatised but recognise so many posts

• not coerced into sex anymore
• can see my friends and family
• can speak to men without the Spanish inquisition
• no more endless "discussions" about everything that was psychologically wrong with me
• realised I'm actually very normal and a nice person
• no more having to do the shopping at breakneck speed to avoid the inevitable "why were you taking so long" suspicious questioning
• no more bruises
• my hair's grown back after being pulled out so much
• no more constant texting throughout the day to avoid his rage at being "ignored"
• can leave the washing up for a day
• can leave the house without giving an itinerary of where I'm going and when I'll be back

It was like a weight physically lifted off my shoulders when I was finally free of him, with my own locked front door. So thankful every day.

Loving reading through this thread.

I left my ex in October of this year after I saw him for who he really was.. the blinders came off (actually with a lot of support and hand holding from ladies on here for which I will be forever grateful)
Things I have been able to do since then...

-wear make up without being questioned

• straighten my hair without being questioned
• buy myself new clothes
• make decisions myself without being told I'd made the wrong one
• ask friends for advice on things without being told that means I don't trust him
• no more being grabbed/touched sexually out of the blue around the house
• no more being told there's something wrong with me mentally (there isn't..)
• no more being coerced into sex or sexual acts
• no more being told i'm cooking wrong
• no more being told i'm hanging up laundry wrong
• no more having to deal with sulks and walk on eggshells
• no more having to hold back my opinions about things
• can now buy presents for friends
• I can breathe.
• anxiety has completely disappeared
• can get back to the career I have always worked towards without being told I just need 'a nice wee job'
• free to go to church without being told this makes me stupid

FREEDOM. it's been gradual but over the last few months i feel a massive huge heavy weight has been lifted.

Remembered another one. I can plan my budget and pay off debts without knowing he’s going to bugger it all up with impulsive spending.

6 months out

• cuddle my babies without being told I'm smothering them.
• no more writing what I do all day in a diary.
• Watch my teenager building confidence (even though they are pushing the boundaries I love the fact that they are now sticking up for themselves)
• watch films with Tom Hardy in.
• have a TV in my room.
• no more sex pest.
• eat a quick meal without having to cook a grand meal everyday.
• taking control of my finances.
• no more dreading the car pulling up on the driveway.
• no more being put into a side room to wait at the doctors because I didn't want anyone to see the bruises on my face.
• making excuses up to my family.
• no more being cheated on.

Most of all - No more Gaslighting I feel the sainest I've been in years. I'm calmer and my kids are happier 😁

Raise my children how I want to
Can come home any time
Can speak to males
Can colour my hair

I am only 3 days in and have hit a horrific mental health road block
All the strong energy of the past few months has abated

And I literally cannot parent my children , or sleep . I have two angry little boys playing violent games all day and they won’t listen to
Me
The kitchen is a state , and I can’t sleep which doesn’t help

I hope this passes as was up till 5am thinking I have failed my kids

That I would be better dead than a bad parent

Did anyone else have this and how the hell to snap out of it ?

@Fightingmycorner2019
I haven’t left yet but am worried about you. I’m no doctor but it’s sounds like your body is having one huge sigh of relief and the emotional adrenaline that got you through the first three days Has worn off.

Please tomorrow morning go to your gp. They maybe able to get you something to help you sleep. Dont take anything too much though as you want to be alert and with it for the day ahead.
I saw two gps about antidepressants. I can’t have them as I’m epileptic however we came to the conclusion that they would mask my emotions and cloud my judgement. So just be cautious before taking them if they are offered. You need your wits about you if you’re going straight into divorce negotiations.

You and your boys need each other now. I know it will take energy but maybe try and take them to the park. Or a walk somewhere for a hot chocolate. burn some of their energy off. I don’t know how old they are but maybe attack the kitchen together? And say at the end we will watch a movie together or play a game.

These will all be hard steps but you need to take them for all of you. A new start so start with new rules that are simple but keep you all together and help you at the same time with household jobs. Maybe even bake some cakes with them. Little things to keep them busy.
Know idea if any of that will help you but thought I’d try suggesting some things.

I use the calm app to help sleep also just as another thought!

Wishing you well

Read a book without being called ignorant/selfish
Watch what I want on TV instead of sport and nothing but sport
Go to the shop without being interrogated
Eat without being mocked
Wear a hat without being told it makes me look like a retard
Don't have to shave my legs
Don't have to make sure I smile in public so people think he's a nice man
Am allowed to have a bath without measuring the water
I can wear pink

Many more things that I will never tire of.

@Fightingmycorner2019

Baby steps, take it one hour at a time, then one day. Every day is better than before you left for you and the DC even if it doesn't feel like it.

Thanks so much for the kind words
I have a friend who is a counsellor and she said to get a GP appt too

I am in deep crisis after being ‘strong’ for so many months (years )

I am going to see GP and get therapist

I hate myself as lost it twice with eldest child , I am turning into what I hate

That said I do stop , apologise and reflect so maybe not

Fuck me - fuck me sideways

And OEJ keep trucking my dear . I know I did right just struggling right now to be strong as am basically mentally fucked !! I wish your strength back

@Fightingmycorner2019 thank you.
You will get stronger by the day. Keep going.
I know what right for me just not the kids

good luck . I won’t ask but we are here if you want to rant .

"sick feeling in the pit of my stomach of trying to anticipate his mood and appease him"
I saw this and can totally identify.
Then I realized it's you @jamaisjedors
😘❤
I haven't left yet. I tell myself that the kids are too little.
The reality is that I m so used from childhood to extremely toxic relationships that I don't have the confidence to leave.
😘

@Fightingmycorner2019 you can do this.

I remember that feeling.

I remember sobbing in the kitchen and wanting exh to come and make it all better which was ridiculous as the reason I things were so bad was because of him.

I remember thinking I could not do one more day, I didnt have it in me, I was like the walking dead but on speed as I was bone tired but couldn't sleep.

You CAN do this, one day at a time. Every say you are stronger, even if you don't feel like it.

@CyclingMumKingston hi!!! 👋

Was thinking of you today, you will do this when you are ready. Did you read "the verbally abusive relationship?" There are things there to try on your h to try to stop the abuse. Might be empowering?

Sorry to derail, but so great not to feel alone on this thread.

So glad to read this thread.

Am three months out. It has taken all I have mentally and emotionally.

Fightingmycorner I have been where you are.Had expected to feel exhilarated once I was finally out, but instead felt exhausted to the bone. And was far from the fun and free spirited parent I had expected to suddenly become.

we’ve done it in a wave of adrenaline I think, and then afterwards naturally there is a crash.

Hang in there. I am getting better week on week; tired and fragile still but overall life is immeasurably better.

Love this thread.

With reference to an abusive boyfriend I was with in my early 20's:
-wear what I like
-talk/have conversations with people (without being publicly ridiculed)....I developed a stammer because of him (it's gone now).
-not be too scared/feel too stupid/worthless to go for jobs that I wanted to do/was qualified to do.
-not be on edge/scared about how he'd be each hour/day.
-see my friends/family when I like.
-study what I like.

With reference to my STBXH (with him 10yrs: after an RTA, he became an alcoholic/drug addict* and I had to deal with 6yrs of that):
-I can go to work and not worry about whether he'll be drunk/high, or whether he'll disappear for days on end.
-I don't have to worry what mood he'll be in.
-I can go to bed at night and not worry about whether I'll wake up and he'd be gone.
-I can actually sleep properly now.
-no worries about going to work as I managed to change my hours to fit around childcare.
-no worries about my not being able to go into work because he's disappeared/isn't sober or straight and I need to sort childcare.
-no worries about the place being trashed while I'm out working (because he was drunk).
-not being scared anymore (he was terrifying when he was drunk/high).
-my children not being scared anymore.
-I can make plans!!! Like have friends over, take the kids out, have the kids' friends over...and not worry about what state he'll be in (or what state my home would be in!).
-I won't find hidden (empty!) bottles of spirits in random places.
-no need to special him anymore (suicide attempts when drunk/high, episodes of psychosis due to alcohol/drugs).
-no worries about being verbally abused, and (once) shoved/pushed about.
-no more of him gaslighting me.
-I don't have to worry about money/pricey items going missing.

*1st NB....I knew about the alcohol issues and was doing everything to try and help him stop (including getting SS in, rehab, AA, CGL etc etc etc)....I found out about the drugs right at the end of us being together. After 6yrs of trying everything to support him in getting sober etc, I realised that there was nothing that I could do, and it was completely down to him: if he doesn't truly recognise that he has a problem and wants to sort it, there's naff all I (or anyone else!) can do.

2nd NB...to anyone in either the above situations....follow your gut instinct, talk to friends/family/people you trust (don't hide it, you've nothing to be ashamed of), get support and help for yourself/family. And run.

Well I got the kids to bed before midnight
That’s actually an accomplishment

Thanks so much . I am heartened to read it’s not just me . I was so focussed on the departure date (and the risk of it not happening ) I did not dare think beyond it

I am sorry you all had it shit , but relieved I am ‘normal’

I have been at my darkest moment thinking I would send them to him as literally don’t have the strength to re parent them ? But actually had some moments today when it was OK

But my eldest is very similar to his dad which is triggering as hell . And he is also intelligent and can be reasoned with . And his sulks last for minutes (versus weeks months )

Therapy here I come !

It’s so funny , being in an abusive relationship means we are so bloody happy to be single ! We are uniquely privileged

I can browse the Internet freely without him knowing every single search.

My voicemails aren’t monitored remotely without my knowledge.

I can speak to and have male friends.

My historic emails aren’t trawled through while I’m asleep and subsequently deleted if anything upset him (I couldn’t understand what had happened at the time but since realised it was him deleted my entire inbox history)

I see my family and friends.

My opinion is now very important.

[flowers]@Fightingmycorner2019

You will get through this. A phrase/cliche that helped me during dark times was “if you’re going through hell, just keep going”. Just be kind to yourself and take it day by day. All the best for 2020

It’s so funny , being in an abusive relationship means we are so bloody happy to be single ! We are uniquely privileged

So true! I absolutely love being single now, it’s fucking amazing when you to feel like the “real you” again as their grip slowly loosens over time and personally I am not compromising myself in that way ever again.
(I do want future relationships and am not disillusioned by men generally but right now, just feeling so free is really wonderful )

@Fightingmycorner2019, I can identify very much with the 'slump' feeling. I have been separated since start of November/living separately since start of December. I can't seem to get myself into gear to do all the little things around the house like keep up with the dishes etc. I have a million things to do, like draft a separation agreement, answer a bunch of emails etc. but I just can't be assed - I can't summon up the energy. It doesn't help that I've been staying up late every night reading in bed, just because I can (a luxury I was not afforded with stbxh as he would either get huffy that I was ignoring him, or he wanted to go to sleep and we all know that going to bed at a different time than your dh is not allowed as his royal cupcakeness would get woken by me coming to bed). Sluggishness also not helped by the time of year - crappy weather, eating sugar and drinking too much wine, getting dark early, no exercise etc.) I think the sluggishness and lack of motivation is also a lot to do with the post-crisis crash, as it's the first time in forever that we have been allowed to just stop and take a breath without managing a human hand grenade and stopping any potential triggers before they even take place.

@CyclingMumKingston, I grew up in a house with an extremely volatile and emotional mother, perfectly primed to marry someone exactly the same way. This time last year, the idea of leaving my relationship was pure fantasy, hopelessly out of reach. In the end I surprised myself with my strength, and that moment will come when it's right for you and your children x You are beyond strong already, we all are, for not allowing these relationships to break us.