Recently separated from controlling partner - now I can...

[everythingbackbutyou]

...put glasses in the dishwasher
...go to bed when I please
...leave toys out in the living room overnight
...cut up all kinds of food without 'helpful' input and micromanagement
....allow my children to act like children without fearing they will provoke harsh words
...leave the washing up until later with nobody to ask bitingly what you've been doing all day

What can other people in the same situation do now that they couldn't before?

@Flyg Oh yes the leather settee! I had that. A massive ugly suite was bought. I had to assemble it. Polish it. Urrgghh. Also an 8 person dining set. Had to assemble all that too. Huge table, horrible uncomfortable chairs. Fabric seat and back that I had to keep immaculate despite having dc, who, you know, spilled food.
It was all part of his fantasy of fine dining and entertaining. He told me I had to vacuum under the settee every day. I could barely move it. He used to leave stuff deliberately behind the settee to check if I had vacuumed. The vacuum was that Dyson monstrosity "The Animal/Beast/some such type name". I could barely lift it. All part of his bigger is better boasting swagger dickness.
I still thrill at NOT vacuuming every day

@MulticolourMophead thanks for the positive message. It’s good to hear from someone on the outside of a similar situation who has no regrets. It’s scary to break up the family, and to have to make that decision alone and take full responsibility for it.

Kiki He’s been horrible today, sending loads of emails (I was at work) listing my many faults. I know it’s all bollocks but it wears you down. It stops me from wavering though when he’s so vile. My gut twists when I’m near him now, I don’t know how I stood it for so long.

Your poor DD, that must have been awful for a teenager. Mine are little and as we both work f/t I think I’ll have to share them 50:50 with him. Neither want that but he’d never agree to anything less.

• I don’t know where Kiki came from

Mine had me assemble furniture too. A really heavy wooden bunk bed - when I was 8 months pregnant. He sat and watched. FIL helped me. I was still not strong enough to admit the abuse and only years later did I question why his dad didn't stand up to him. I did such a good job of insisting I was fine. People have since said they were worried if they stood up to him when I was not ready to leave he would isolate them from me. They were there when I was ready (getting teary thinking about one really special friend who has been an absolute rock).

This was with the son he threatened to fight for full residency; the same son he hasn't seen since early Oct and the one I've had to fight through CMS to get any maintenance. He's a gem.

Hooray for not building furniture or hoovering under the damned stuff unless you fancy it!

I hoovered under my sofa by myself for the the first time in 3 years (he always did it) and enjoyed it.

I also rehung the curtains that he's been promising to fix. DIY can be fun with a podcast and because you want to. I'm adding this to my list of wins.

@workshyfop hang on to that feeling. You've got this.

@workshyfop it was hard to start with, my emotions were all over the place, but that first night away was pure peace. And a bed to myself.

Thanks Ginger and Multicolour you ladies rock!

TheOrigFV45

So and as we should know , abuse starts when a woman is pregnant . But gosh , your anecdote .

I’m a bit pissed as have a strong friend staying who has taken over a bit (phew )

Yes. This pregnancy was my 2nd child. It wasn't until I saw a psychologist that I realised the drip, drip, drip actually started during my first pregnancy.

It's been 40 years and I still remember the feeling of freedom. I was like a caged animal being returned to the wild. I opened my own cage door but was so cautious of my new-found freedom that at first I only took a few tentative steps outside the cage. I could buy a little trinket or a treat to eat if I wanted it. I could watch what I wanted on TV. I could actually pray out loud in my own house whenever I wanted to.

And then like that released animal, once I looked around and realized that no one could put me back in that cage, I zoomed away and the world became my oyster!

I found a good man. I had the children I desperately wanted and the ex didn't (You'd have thought he might have mentioned that little thing before we married). We built a home and a family. Life has been GOOD since that day!

How did you get your abusive partner to leave.Did they leave willingly and are you afraid of them coming back.

I need mine to leave and im afraid of the reaction and what happens next.

Bouquets. Flowers were bought after I was kicked to the floor or strangled until I saw tiny pin pricks of light against blackness or my head was held under my bath water. Because having a bath in the afternoon was proof that I was washing away evidence of an affair. Valentines roses were bought by ex, then he would deny they were from him. Cue hours and hours of accusations the roses were from someone else. All nonsense.
I grew to hate, really hate bouquets. Hanging around for days, a reminder of 'nothing wrong here'.
Now, every now and then, I buy flowers because they are pretty. No more which is going to last longer, the flowers or the bruises.

This thread speaks to me. I'm not there yet but I dream of it every day. Current song that makes me cry is Castles. The line 'I'm gonna build castles from the rubble of your love, I'm gonna be more than you ever thought I was' just inspires me.

I need mine to leave and im afraid of the reaction and what happens next

Yip . That’s why it took me years longer . Years and years and now my kids are more damaged . That’s not a guilt trip at you , just a fact for me .

You just have to take a deep breath and do it . Be prepared to call police if he shouts . In fact just call them as he will kick off regardless . I called 121

Get everything you can ready and do it . There is NO easy way sadly

If it were easy , well this thread wouldn’t exist

What @Fightingmycorner2019 said. I would have left at least a couple of years earlier than I did if I hadn't been so scared. In the end I 'got my ducks in a row' as they are fond of saying on MN - got free legal advice, looked into financial entitlements etc, made a detailed plan with my counsellor as to the specifics of how/when/where I would tell him, what I would do if (when) he became angry etc.Once I knew in my heart I was doing the right thing, I picked my moment and made the words come out. I was hoping he would be the one to leave as I have 3 dc, and in the end he has, but when it came down to it I was prepared to go to a refuge if need be - I just knew I had to end it. It's so hard when every article/book etc. about leaving makes it clear how potentially dangerous it is. In the end I had to just take a leap of faith, knowing I had made myself and my children a plan to keep us as safe as possible. Not going to lie - I was terrified but 2 months later absolutely zero regrets.

I do count myself lucky that, compared to many other women, he did leave without violence. I think it's too important to him that his image as a saint and doting father not be tarnished.

PS - as a Christian, I relied a lot on prayer to help me get up the courage I needed

Mine wasn’t violent , as I’d called the police before and he knew he couldn’t as I would call them
He did however

Hiss curses under his breath
Tell me I had ruined his life
Slag me off to school parents
Estranged me from his family (see ya never enabling bitches)
Threaten me with ridiculous things like social services and kids taken away
Threatened my mother - CUNT
Insulted my family
Bullied me into paying excessive amounts for couriers to send his stuff
Said vile things to the kids about me

It was fucking awful , for 7 long horrible weeks . Every day pure hatred and threats

So yeah I can see why I put it off . It truly was the hardest and most horrible thing I have been though . And I am still traumatised to be honest but it’s only been a couple of weeks

Sorry ! Just venting

I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I have to do it this year, I know what I’m going to get as he is so manipulative I think he knows it’s coming as he has been really kissing kids arses all Christmas, couldn’t have been nicer to them or me in front of them obviously, when the bedroom door is closed different story his kids are money grabbing users and I never side with him, I have no family for support he used this against me and I’m sure that’s why he thinks it will always stay the same, it’s hard when it’s not the person you fell in love with that you are looking at every day even though there were warning signs from day one did my like my friends wanted me to be with him all the time could go on. I was 17 very naive and needed to get out of an in happy home so it’s hard when he’s nice he’s lovely my best friend lots of laughs and happy times I walk around the house looking at 33years of holiday photos and happy memories but it’s all just never been what it seems behind those smiles I remember all of his tantrums melt downs screaming and shouting because iv left a light on kids been in shower to long etc etc. I am worried about what my know grown up children are going to think he obviously has been this way in front of them at times but they don’t see the really bad bits that he saved just for me they just say, you know what dads like mum don’t worry about it I wish I had left earlier and not protected them from so much like begging him not to go down stairs and go mental in front of their friend when I had let them have a sleep over for a birthday one of many scenarios, I feel so exhausted from juggling him and everything else that goes with family life. He controls all money so this is going to be hard for me have to explain every penny I spend but if I’m with him can more aless by what I want have to argue about anything and everything I have ever bought or done for my kids shouted at called mental just because I want to buy them presents at Xmas then he takes all the glory always does that god my head is so fucked up I am not well at the moment so having to relie on him it’s a slow recovery am not improving at moment so makes things even worse, when I was at my worst thought that if this was how my life ended I would wish I had left so just knowing others are feeling the same makes me feel less alone but it’s an awful way to live and I hate that people on the outside wouldn’t have a clue that this charming warm caring man treats his wife like shit on his shoe

Help anyone still there😲

Hi @user1497873278

You will be so much happier once you are out from that terrible atmosphere, a lot of what you said rings true for me with exh.

If you need help leaving, please don't hesitate to start your own thread. This thread should have shown you that it is possible to leave, and also that life is much better on the other side.

It might not be easy though, so best to get a plan in place rather than act hastily. Get some legal advice before doing anything too so you dont get bamboozled or intimidated by your h.

Hi user I'm so sorry you are going through this. It must be even harder that your not feeling healthy and having to rely on him.
You say you don't have any family, do you have any good friends to support you?

He controls all the money. Do you have a job when you are well or do you totally depend on him?
Please ask everyone you can for help, friends, citizens advice, a solicitor whatever you need. I hope other posters with better advice will be along later but I just wanted you to know that someone is here and listening.
Keep chatting on here. Pm me if you feel alone and just want to talk.

I stayed for far too long with my ex I just couldn't see a way that I could leave. I wanted to be all sorted and have my ducks in a row as, everyone on here says but I just couldn't see a way out.
In the end I just snapped and had had enough.
He came into my work (busy pub) steaming drunk with a steak knife shoved in the waistband of his jeans and being threatening. I was going to just walk away and tell his friend to get him out but I finally thought fuck it and told my manager who called the police. That was finally the beginning of the end.
I had no ducks in a row but had no choice to just get on with it and muddle through. I'm so happy I did.

The things I can do now are
Leave my money in the bank instead of having to hide it in an online savings account because he would clear it out online gambling.
Not have to hide my bank card.
Be able to pay for shopping and not worry about whether my bank still had money in it (I still have a tiny bit of fear I can't quite get rid of for a second while I'm waiting to see "card accepted")
Get to my front door without that nervous butterfly feeling hoping he will be out.
Then the relief only lasting a minute before it comes back again when I'm wondering when he will come back.
Go out with friends and not have to come home to crazy accusations and abuse and/or days of glowering and silence
Spread out in the middle of the bed instead of creeping upstairs trying not to wake him and sleep balancing on the edge so I don't have to touch him.
Not have to listen to his never ending lend me a tenner, buy me some fags, get me some cans.
Not have to put up with him coming home absolutely paralytic falling about, puking and hickuping and staring at me with his glazed zombie eyes. Or the embarrassment of him being brought home by people who have found him asleep in the street or him being picked up by the street angels 🙄
Not having the anxiety of running everything around and around in my head wondering about the best way to put a simple thing to him so he won't kick off or turn it into a big deal moaning at me.

The stories of people who are free of it are so uplifting.
For all of you still there who are getting out or want to be I send you huge amounts of best wishes, courage and good luck.

Thank you so much for replying makes me feel less alone, no I don’t have anyone as on the outside he is a totally different person, it’s just so hard when he had an answer for everything I’m worn down, no I don’t work at home with 3 year old but can go back to work to support myself when away from him

I only have a sec user but I want to give you a big unMN hug.
So many of us have (sadly) been through it. It's not easy. Not a bit. But it is SO SO worth it.