Recently separated from controlling partner - now I can...

[everythingbackbutyou]

...put glasses in the dishwasher
...go to bed when I please
...leave toys out in the living room overnight
...cut up all kinds of food without 'helpful' input and micromanagement
....allow my children to act like children without fearing they will provoke harsh words
...leave the washing up until later with nobody to ask bitingly what you've been doing all day

What can other people in the same situation do now that they couldn't before?

Got two the wrong way round. Should be:

• go to bed when I want and not have to stay up late/ watch TV I don’t like

Paperdreamshoney The idea that I am going to have someone kiss me in a loving way, and am going to get to have caring, considerate, consensus sex at some point in the future makes me so so happy!

@Treesinthewind it gets me through the day sometimes to think that even if I never meet anyone else to settle down with, at least I've got a decent chance of an enjoyable snog sometime in my future.

I love this thread so much. I’m going through stealth difficult time as my ex is having mental health problems which mean he can’t have unsupervised contact with our son. I feel like I can’t talk to my family (who are being amazing) about how joyful and free and happy I feel despite all the difficulties and stress. I feel hopeful about the future, I walk around singing, I can listen to music and read poetry again without being worried they’ll make me feel or think too much. So much love to all you wonderful strong women x

@PaperDreamsHoney Yes!

@Anon4567 I hadn’t realised how much of my energy and time was spent doing things for him. I have so much more focus now!

Our first weekend out my DD and I wore our dressing gowns all morning ,ate toast together on the sofa and put the heating on.
We watched very little tv(ex had soaps on all the time).
I bough white sheets for my new bed and bought DD a really good mattress that she chose(ex would only buy really cheap ones where every spring poked through)
We breathed freely.

And the next time I spend Boxing Day on my own with 2 sick kids and coming down with the same thing myself, it'll be because I bloody choose to be on my own, not because he's fucked off to his family's on his own after I wouldn't let him drag the kids out when they're too ill.

This thread has me with tears in my eyes especially robinsnest so glad you're safe now. I'm still in a controlling relationship but one of the more subtle ones. Hopefully by this time next year I'll be well rid.

Then I won't be walking on egg shells everytime he comes through the door. Will be able to feel like I'm relaxing even when sitting instead of feeling like I should be doing something. Be able to cough when I have one without being accused of keeping him awake. Be able to leave the washing up. Not dry the Washing up. Be able to mix different vegetables with different dinners that aren't traditional. Be able to lie in without someone being annoyed. Leave lights on. Leave the heating on/turn it off. Play music that I like and at the volume I like. Not have the front door locked late afternoon. Swear freely. Hang clothes washing without someone moving it all around. Not have dinner without someone asking why. Not having someone lecturing me on what they think they know better than me (when they don't) in a patronising way. Especially when that person isn't as intelligent as me.
Be able to wear bright clothes without any comments. To have more self esteem /confidence which is constantly being chipped away at.

No more constant gaslighting. The last one which is by far the worst is making my family feel so unwelcome that one in particular won't visit or come to an event if he's there unless there is another member of the family with them.

There's loads more....

To all of you that have escaped I salute you. My only chain is financial but once I have conquered that then I'm outta here. Life's too short to be miserable.

Sorry for long post-I tried to do it list style but it wouldn't work!

@Blanketed whatever helps you offload is fine! Just venting on here has helped me get through this week.

• not have sex when (or how) I don't want to
• say what I'm thinking, even if someone else disagrees
• not be forced to take drugs
• not be worried about being repeatedly cheated on
• have opinions of my own
• not worry about having a small disagreement that ends up in me being locked out of the house in my pyjamas
• do whatever I want with my money
• go for a drink without being called an alcoholic and forced to sleep on the sofa.

👍👍👍

What a great thread.

Congratulations OP:

I still remember the joy of going to bed when I liked,
Listening to music I liked
Being allowed to read whatever book I wanted.
Not being forced into daily sex.
Wearing clothes I wanted
Not having to eat meat or being force fed.

The list is long.

OP - thanks for starting this thread. I can identify with so many of these messages. We’ve split up but still under the same roof. Hopefully very soon I’ll be able to:

Not constantly walk on eggshells
Not be criticised for how I eat/laugh
Not be criticised for my politics and religion
Tie my hair up
Choose who is invited into my home
Not having friends and family criticised
Not have my stomach churn if I/the kids do something ‘wrong’
Not listen to my kids being regularly undermined
Not be expected to be at his beck and call when I’m at work.
Spend my money how I like
Go out to restaurants just because I can
Ditto coffee shops
Not get sulked on for days
Clean the house how I want to do it
Buy food from a local shop without a mouthful of abuse about being lazy and not buying sensibly and cheaply
Knowing the way I do things is okay.
Having a voice again
Not having to check with him over every arrangement that I make
Wearing any colour that I please
Listening to music at any decent level
Singing
Spending an eternity in the shower
Not being undermined in front of others
Breathing again

That felt really good!!

Not recent but yesterday The Dickies' version of silent night was on the radio while we had lunch and I was mulling over how much more festive and joyful that felt than Thomas Fucking Tallis. I still got indigestion but that was from too much cheesecake rather than feeling bloody cheesed off and tense!

Mine emailed me today (not blocking in case I need evidence for police) and told me how he is going to find someone else asap, have threesomes to his heart's content AND not cheat on his next one. There were so many things I could have said in reply but ignoring him and watching whatever we want on TV instead is far more satisfying! I hope the next one sees the red flags waving long before I did

Thanks paperdreamshoney

These posts are so sad. I'm glad to read of so many posters who have escaped their abusive partners and are living a happier life.

What a great post the positivity is so refreshing well done OP

This thread resonates with me so much. My abusive ex left almost four years ago now, for another woman.

While I was briefly devastated, I soon came to realise that I would not miss:

How political leg shaving and hair straightening became "who are you trying to impress"

Him going out "for one" and rolling back in at 11am high on drugs

Forced/coerced sex

His lovely, shower dodging ways

Being called useless, desperate, pathetic and dirty all the time

How every nice occasion for me was marred by one of his drunken mantrums about something. Christmas, my birthday, the work Christmas party I had really been looking forward to...

Being woken up and scared half out of my life by an angry drunk man who wanted to continue an argument he had started hours before

Actually, the drinking in itself was a real problem. He was lovely sober. Actually, really lovely. He still drank and drank, knowing that it made him nasty and didn't care.

Being broken up with on Christmas Eve over a stupid comment and then receiving texts telling me I am a terrible person, come from bad genes, am the worst girlfriend that ever existed etc etc

So many. I'm really lucky to be in a relationship now where none of the above is a worry.

What I realised I liked was:

Hanging my stuff anywhere I liked

Coming home any time I liked

Having male friends

Making new friends

Taking opportunities I would never have even been allowed to consider before

Feeling safe all the time

Eating and drinking whatever I want

I'm still getting over it though, it takes time!

Oh wow, I made a real effort spacing that out as well. It looks like I've barely bothered and just rambled!

Oh can I join ! My partner finally left yesterday . After years and years of misery , and many posts on here

It’s 11am and usually he would have noisily woke 30 mins ago and come down and shouted at the mess and the kids being on screen

I also slept till 10am , unheard of

Will post more I am sure

Not walk on eggshells.
Not worry that the dcs are being shown how to have a terrible relationship.
Have control over my financial future.
Not put up with the silent treatment for weeks and weeks.
Not feel lonely because someone never touches me (still single but this is better than being disliked in a marriage).
Make changes to the house that I want.
Never have to worry that he will blow up at me about something.
Not put up with his verbal unkindness.
Not sit with someone who spends the entire evening not talking to you.

Love this thread.

I still love being able to go food shopping and buy what I want to eat

I love being able to leave the washing up or cleaning till later when I've finished doing something else and not be told I'm lazy

I love making decisions for myself

I love that my stress related IBS has completely disappeared

I love that I'm slightly overweight but no one is constantly getting at me about it

So many more. I just love being free 😁