Recently separated from controlling partner - now I can...

[everythingbackbutyou]

...put glasses in the dishwasher
...go to bed when I please
...leave toys out in the living room overnight
...cut up all kinds of food without 'helpful' input and micromanagement
....allow my children to act like children without fearing they will provoke harsh words
...leave the washing up until later with nobody to ask bitingly what you've been doing all day

What can other people in the same situation do now that they couldn't before?

These are all absolutely heartbreaking. to you all. I hope this thread helps women in similarly abusive relationships get out safely.

I’m in a relationship where some of these things happen and I can’t tell what’s normal and what isn’t.

If I shave my legs or buy new underwear dh accuses me of an affair. I’ve stopped doing either. It’s not worth the hassle.
I’m not allowed to do an evening class I want to do.
When I go out with friends he tells me I’m not allowed to talk to men - even the barman - and that he’s watching me.
He works from home so I can’t have anyone round and nor can the children - too loud.
Controls all finances - I have no access to any money (sahm). I can only have something new if he says so.
Constantly makes inappropriate sexual remarks. Has decided I’m not allowed to sleep wearing any clothes. Removes them if I do. Gets angry if challenged.
Refers to me as ‘his’ and says if I ever leave him he will find me and drag me back kicking and screaming.

Being able to listen to music I like
Being able to have friends over
Not being frightened that I had left a cup on the table
Being able to watch tv in bed
Letting the children be children and not worrying they are being too noisy
Having pictures up
Having bright colours everywhere in my new home
Having a future to look forward to...
My life is a million times better I would never let anyone treat me like that again, to all of you in an abusive relationship I wish you courage and a wonderful new life x

@everythingiwanted Yes absolutely abusive. Seriously so.

Please get yourself and the DCs out.

@DDIJ - that’s such a sad situation after all you’ve been through. Why not start your own thread? You may find lots of help and support.

I can now quietly go about my life without walking on eggshells. No longer worried about threats to my family. No longer called a nasty c* whilst holding my babies. No longer waking up and wondering how many hours before I sleep again.

Not read to the end yet but @Fightingmycorner2019 don't doubt yourself. I have days where I feel like I've ruined everyone's life and I cry over nothing...! I'm two months in, it's gonna take time. Baby steps x

@workshyfop Your description is similar to mine, it really is bad enough to leave.

I've been out nearly 3 years and the freedom is great. It's been hard financially, but we are doing great. DCs don't have anything to do with their dad, their choice.

And having chatted with my 19 year old DD about this thread, I've learned things were even worse, as she says he'd barge into her room while she was changing and refuse to leave. She recalls standing and hiding behind the door of her wardrobe until he left the room.

It's the little things that make you feel better, just as it was all the little things that can add up to such overall misery. I just had a happy moment when I looked in my fridge and caught sight of the remains of the bottle of Prosecco I bought myself yesterday, free from accusations of "only thinking of myself". Yes, stbxh - I WAS only thinking of myself, actually, and it was GLORIOUS. As was paying extra to have it delivered to my door instead of going out in the pouring rain with 2 preschoolers. Too bad that it took me so many years to realise that thinking of myself was an option that I was entitled to.

@user1497873278, @DollyDan I so sympathise with what you say about scuffed walls/random cups left out/broken plates. I used to get so snappy with my poor kids when anything broke or there were a few toys left out, because I was so stressed about the lecture I knew I and/or the kids would be in for, accompanied by the heavy sighs and slamming things around. There was no room for the children to relax in their own home, which turned out to be one of my dealbreakers.

It just sounds so ridiculous now that leaving a cup out could cause days of sulking and strops it just builds up gradually I guess, I delight now in leaving things wherever I want!

The men these brave, now free, women leave behind - they must be beside themselves with rage that they've lost control of their victims. I expect a lot of them quickly move on to find the next one?

icanbreathagain

And red toothbrush . Bloody hell . I read some bad stuff
On here but so pleased you managed to get away

It's been 17 years since I left mine, and I am so grateful.

The biggest immediate change was that I could have a quick drink after work with my colleagues, without having to dash home, shower and brush my teeth so he wouldn't smell it on me (even though he had been doing the same). It just wasn't worth the accusations.

These were the same colleagues who stood up to him and refused him entry into our workplace and also never told me about it when he spent the first 4-6 weeks lurking i outside, because they knew I would crumble. They were amazing.

I just celebrated my 17th wedding anniversary with a very kind man, we have a beautiful family and life got very good,
Very quickly, once I got him out of my head.

Wishing courage to all of you in that situation.

This thread is as heartwarming as it is devastating. There are some amazing people here and I am so happy for you all. I hope those who haven't left yet are finding strength here

I hope mine does . Get a new woman I mean
He’ll be temporarily happier , maybe she’ll give him money (as I did as he refused to work ) and can stop the ‘she ruined my life’
You know what I am still pissed his family are blanking me

They know what he is like but sadly are from a culture that enables shit male behaviour

My main focus now is how to stop that circle with mine . Success rate so far - LOW !

@TwentyViginti they do seem to move on very quickly, I moved out of our joint house last March and by September he had persuaded some poor woman to remortgage with him to buy me out, I just hope she doesn’t go through the same shit...

Breaking up with XP meant I could:

buy cheese and keep it in the fridge
not get billed for amounts like 84p when he'd nipped into the shops on the way home
wear make up without being asked who I was trying to pull
have friends without being asked why I needed anyone now that I had him
cut vegetables without being told I was doing it wrong and to let him do it

10 years + free and it's brilliant.

The comment up thread - realizing that thinking about me was an option that I was entitled to. The sole reason for my existence wasn't just to make his life easier.

Listen to my music and sing! Choose my one furniture, bedding, food, anything really, without snide comments. Having fun time with the DC, not having to save all the fun for him.

Almost 10 months since he left and I feel so free.

not having to save all the fun for him

I wasn't in an abusive relationship, just an unhappy one. But Christ this struck home!

@everythingiwanted I'm really sorry but none of the things you've listed are normal at all. I hope you can remove yourself from that situation

Today I'm grateful that I can block stbex number to stop the msgs!

Here goes, from largely happier place!

I can make plans without worrying about whether he’ll turn up or not
Stop worrying about if and when he will come home, for days on end
Have friends round and be in control of my own space
Clean things
Not worry about his mood and deal with sulks and silences
Look forward to Christmas without drama and meltdowns
Not have the police turn up at my door
Stop giving away my money to someone who’ll never give it back
Not sneak about the house on Saturday and Sunday mornings while he lies in bed til early afternoon and enjoy the day
Go to bed in peace
Have alcohol in the house and it still be there when I get up the next morning, unless of course I've been feeling a bit festive!
Not worry that he’ll get arrested or kill himself drink driving
Plan holidays
Buy things without feeling guilty (and hide them) because he’s skint
Enjoy having my dog not be scared of him
Enjoy the holidays instead of knowing if I’ll spend New Year's Eve telling friends I’m fine, and lie about where he is / use his kids as an excuse
Not deal with ongoing drama and look forward
Not be dumped every time we have an argument
Not be scared of his temper and constantly walking on eggshells
Stop wondering if he stole my mother’s money
Relax and watch whatever American crime crap I like on TV!

I’m ashamed to say that although we split a year ago, he ended up moving back in as he had nowhere else to go after a short spell with a family member. It was supposed to be a few days and turned into months. Not much changed other than instead of sleeping on the sofa because he stayed up late every night he also had the spare room to go to instead of waking me up in the small hours. I was a mug. Too worried about him rather than myself.

A trip to the pub a few weeks ago ended up with him choking me after I took his car keys from him as he was drunk. I threw him out there and then. I feel horrendously guilty that I don’t know where he’s going to live.

But, after a few weeks of feeling scared by noises in the night I’m getting used to being in my own house on my own again. I threw a new year party and bloody loved it because I could make a plan, have fun and not lie about why he wasn’t there...

Thank you so much for starting this thread, writing my list has been hugely cathartic.

I'm so chuffed for all of you who've escaped much worse and found your new lives to enjoy.

My relationship wasn't nearly as bad as many but I have still enjoyed so many things since:

• deciding what body shape I want to be - not what might finally please him
• Picking colors I want in my house
• making mess without fear of being told off
• getting to decide the mood in the house rather than tip toeing round someone else's

My god there are some horrors out there. I'm so delighted for those of you who are now free and hoping this brings inspiration and hope to those who are working towards this.

I’ve remembered more.
No more ironing his shirts
Realising my family are not my enemies
His family are batshit
Turn the heating on
I’m actually a reasonably good driver
Also I’m a reasonable cook
He’s but half as clever as he thinks
I’m definitely not as stupid as he thought.

Blimey there’s loads can’t stop now I’ve started.