Have you ever had an affair?

[GoldieGoldie]

This is a really personal question I know.

There is somebody at my work who I have chemistry with. I think about him all the time and look forward to bumping into him. And I think he feels the same.

But I would never act on these feelings as I know it would be stupid.

Has anyone ever acted upon feelings like these? I'm just interested to hear from experience.

Has anyone who has been involved in an affair sought therapy and found it useful.

I really need to work out what it is about him that makes me tick otherwise I have no doubt we'll still be doing this in another 13 years.

It's really cruch time now esp as he's finally called time on his on/off relationship with mother of his youngest.

Yes I did twenty years ago . I was a naive teenager. He was the married one. He was old enough to be my father.

It absolutely fucked me up. I'm in therapy now and whilst I have lots of issues that I am having help for, I haven't even talked about this yet .

He was a sexual predator and I am trying to work out in my head if I was to blame for what he did to me. I was an adult, after all.

It's absolutely fucking awful

Seriously, don't do it. Never ever ever ever.

The only person I can categorically say never has and never will is me.

I'm sure someone will tell me that I cannot say I never will, but at almost half a century old, I know myself extremely well.

@13years - go to therapy. Find out about yourself. Stop waiting for this man. Remember love is a drug and you need to go cold turkey. Good luck

I would say no but sometimes it's not enough to listen to others advice. You are so tempted that it consumes you. There are all kinds of different reasons why people have affairs though. Alot of people have affairs and then deeply regret it.
My sister and I are the product of an affair and thats the kind of affair that baffles me.
A married man with a family of his own who was leading a double life. Quite happy to have his cake and eat it and not care.

Just can’t believe how so many justify having affairs you poor souls low self esteem etc, Christ what selfish arrogant arsholes. It destroys family’s and causes hurt to children that sometimes can’t be healed and stays with them all their lives . I have personal experience of what the aftermath is for my children years later. I also knew someone how had been married 20 years 3 teenage children he was her first boyfriend and she was a beautiful person her husband cheated on her with her best friend she was devastated in bits she hung herself in their garage, but hey guess what under a year later the lovely guy moved the replacement wife in his kids still suffering years later obviously

@user1497873278 as a previous poster who'd had an affair pointed out those left dust themselves down and get on with their lives. Your poor friend is an example of how many people don't/can't. But as long as her husband is now happy eh? ☹️

Yeah exactly makes my blood boil

Had an affair for a year. Discovered and now moved out of home, living nearby and seeing plenty of my three kids.

It’s absolutely not worth it. Unless you’re prepared to lose it all, don’t do it.

However I do agree with the posters saying it isn’t black and white. Obviously the decision to have an affair was mine and I take full responsibility for that. But the conditions in our marriage which preceded it were both of our responsibilities.

@Alongwayfromeverything there may have been issues in your marriage that weren't solely your fault before you embarked on your affair.....but once you did start an affair, none of that really mattered anymore. You lost any integrity that you had and all anyone will remember is the fact that you had an affair, not the reasons that you gave for doing so. You still chose to have an affair rather than to end the marriage.

No, but 4 different guys were prepared to have an affair with me. Bastards

V early on, I promised myself I'd never have an affair with a married man (back then,early 80s, marriage was a much bigger thing).

My reasoning was that, if I did, I'd have no moral ground to stand on, if my future husband cheated on me.

I have thus never messed with a married man. Apart from my own. I mess with him a lot! 😂

Take home message: if him being with you is actually cheating on his wife, he'll cheat on you. Almost guaranteed.

God. Since I was about 16 I must have been propositioned by at least 100 married men. Even now I’m nearly fifty and lost my figure, grey hairs etc I still get propositioned fairly regularly.
Sure is depressing and not flattering in the slightest.

outherealone not being funny, but have you ever considered that you are projecting something peculiar? Because, I can, hand on heart say I have NEVER been propositioned by a married man. I'm in my 50s and without sounding too big headed, I am generally considered pretty nice looking. I'm very happily married and project 'unavailable' pretty clearly.

"God. Since I was about 16 I must have been propositioned by at least 100 married men. Even now I’m nearly fifty and lost my figure, grey hairs etc I still get propositioned fairly regularly.
Sure is depressing and not flattering in the slightest."

You obviously move in the wrong circles.

Yes, currently.

I'm 21, my partner is 29 and he is pressuring me for marriage and babies, moving in, etc. I tried to end things with him but he is relentless and will not let me go. He is not a horrible person, in fact he is lovely, but he just will not give up on us, even when I have stated I am not in the right frame of mind or stage in my life to give him what he wants.

Really, I would love to be with him but just in a more freeing manner, an open relationship, casually dating. But I don't think its fair to ask this of him when he is so clearly after something different.

I have been abroad for two months for work, and I return in february - we have been apart this whole time. Recently I've started to see a colleague and we met up, gone out and slept together a handful of times. It was exciting, electrifying, and some of the best sex I have ever had.

Said colleague has a girlfriend, I found out the last time we saw each other and I have not/will not see him again as that is not fair on her whatsoever.

As I said, I've been abroad so really I don't think he will understand that things are truly over until we see each other in person when I return.

However, I have downloaded some hookup/dating apps in hopes of engaging in small flings for my remaining time here. Is that bad?

I can easily separate sex and emotions which is where I think a lot of pain comes from with people who discover/engage in affairs.

Partner does not know about colleague - and I probably won't tell him. I feel sad as he really wants us to work out, but I don't regret what I have done.

(We have been together for around a year)

Yes had affairs all my married life, I was so unhappy at home but then I left when I finally found the right man. Best thing i ever did. Worst thing I ever did was marry the wrong man.

If you are happy in your marriage then don’t have affairs . Simples.

"Said colleague has a girlfriend, I found out the last time we saw each other and I have not/will not see him again as that is not fair on her whatsoever. "

Why is it not fair to her for you to cheat with her partner but fair to cheat on yours?

@Ginger1982
I didn't say it was fair for me to.
Although I don't think i'm entirely not fair when I have told him I don't want to be together anymore - before i did anything.
I have to remind him we are technically separated every time he messages me.
I just think for it to sink in I need to have a face to face talk which won't happen till february.

I do stick by what I said and it isn't fair on her whatsoever, I don't know the ins and outs of their relationship (other than her partner is a cheat) and I wouldn't want to be the reason that a relationship breaks down, causes hurt to someone. I don't want to hurt someone who loves him when I don't want a romantic relationship with him at all.

Packit why did you have affairs though. You say you left your marriage when you found the right partner. Why didn't you leave before that? Why do you need a partner in your life before leaving?

@youngbitter why would you bother with an affair at your age? End it with your boyfriend. You might have to be brutal but it's best for him in the long run, that way he can find someone who wants all the things he does and you can hook up all you want. I don't think there's anything wrong with having casual sex as long as you're careful and not hurting anyone else.

I'm always amazed at the mental gymnastics people who cheat are capable of to justify the unjustifiable. My ex was exactly the same, just spun similar lines and I initially fell for it but just couldn't get over it. 2 years of additional misery before I called quits on our marriage. I've had very little tolerance of infidelity since. It is never the solution to the problem.