Have you ever had an affair?

[GoldieGoldie]

This is a really personal question I know.

There is somebody at my work who I have chemistry with. I think about him all the time and look forward to bumping into him. And I think he feels the same.

But I would never act on these feelings as I know it would be stupid.

Has anyone ever acted upon feelings like these? I'm just interested to hear from experience.

I also don’t think boiling down an affair to “a bit of dick/pussy” is at all helpful.

Since when has sex ever just been about that?

Na, don't do it. The pain inflicted on the 'victims' of affairs is soul destroying. Some people never feel the same again. It's literally one of the most painful things to be on the receiving end of that kind of betrayal. Affairs crush peoples self esteem and their faith in other humans and it pisses me off how often they are accepted in society today. Grow some balls and end your relationship.

@lifeincoldblood affairs aren’t black and white. There are very often reasons why people stray. Yes it’s wrong. Yes it’s hurtful, but to say you wouldn’t knowingly associate with people who’ve had an affair is judgemental in the extreme in my view. I’m glad we’re not friends

Not an affair as such but I did cheat on my boyfriend when I was about 19. It really wasn't worth it, caused so much heart break and taught me some valuable lessons about love, lust and fidelity.

Never had an affair. If I ever felt strong attraction for someone else I’d consider it time to end my current relationship.
Had drunken snogs with others as a youth but would never dream of it now.
Part of the reason I ended my marriage was because my husband didn’t want sex with me.
I would never have cheated but have a pretty high sex drive and my self esteem had plummeted to an all time low. I was looking my best ever too as trying desperately to win him back.
I didn’t even want to put myself in the position of being tempted to cheat.

who’ve had an affair is judgemental in the extreme in my view.

Whuch is my right.

I’m glad we’re not friends

Not as glad as I am...

*which

Just for the record I am not vocal to anyone I know in real life about how I feel about affairs. But if I find out someone has them/has had/agrees with people having them then I would quietly distance myself. Not make a big fuss... So I'm not a bad person as you make out.... But your response to my personal opinion shows whag side you're on... So I'll steer clear of you, please show me the same courtesy, there is no need to respond.

*what

Damn auto correct strikes again...

@LifeInColdBlood well, doesn't your username appear to have been particularly well chosen?

Indeed.

Funny that I'm in the wrong because I don't tolerate those who have affairs... Mumsnet is a funny place...

Lots of people have them everyone has "excuses" and "reasons" for them, not one of them good or acceptable.

I am allowed to have zero tolerance for those who do this... Funny how many people that upsets, how many fine examples that upsets... Oh well neither here nor there for me. What others think of me not tolerating such trashy people is irrelevant to me...

Enjoy :)

I've had 5 LTRs in my life (my personal definition of LTR: we moved in together) and cheated in all but the last.

One of my partners found out; the others didn't. (So to say "These things always get found out" is wildly inaccurate.) All of them cheated on me.

Monogamy is a social construct, not a natural state. And the cause of "cheating" is as simple as "I wanted to have sex with someone else". No need for all the breast beating "Am I not sexy/thin/curvy/attentive enough for you?" Because it's not about you, it's about the person who decided to shag someone else.

I normally have toast for breakfast but sometimes I'll want a croissant or a yoghurt instead. It doesn't mean I don't love toast.

No one is forced into monogamy.

If you want an open relationship that's absolutely fine. Be clear and honest about it. The other person has the choice too. If they dont want an open relationship that's entirely up to them.

Its absolutely wrong to enter a monogamous relationship, shag other people and not inform the person who thinks they are in a monogamous relationship with you.

It is wrong. Because you have changed the terms of the relationship while they, usually, are abiding by the terms of the relationship that were agreed. Its horrendous behaviour to be shagging around and whilst expecting your partner to be faithful.

Personally, I think most affairs step into emotional abuse. Many partners, know something is going on and are told they are paranoid, insane, jealous etc.

Affairs arent just sex. There are hundreds of small lies, big lies, half truths, spending of family money on the OW/OM. Affairs dont just devastate people because of the sex. It's all the other things as well.

No I wouldn't ever have an affair. I'm not a liar nor am I selfish. Cheaters are both and always will be because of what they are capable of. Not trustworthy.

You fancy the guy and think he is attractive. You don't have to act on it.

@strongmummy I never said cheaters are evil or affairs are black and white. But the fact is that a cheater prioritises their excitement over their partner's pain . Some people who do that have a deep seated unhappiness they think will be "fixed" by the affair.
They should really examine themselves and what they are missing instead.

I didn't think I'd judge friends of mine who had an affair until one of them had an affair with a married man. It fundamentally changed the way I saw her. Especially as she thought the wife was unreasonable in not wanting her to spend time with their children because she thought she'd be a positive influence in their lives etc.

She believed The Script he'd fed her completely.

He, as it happens, was just looking for an way out and treated my friend pretty poorly once he'd left his wife and the initial infatuation had settled a bit. My friend thought it was True Love and couldn't understand why he'd make such a huge sacrifice for her and then lose interest.

He left eventually because my friend was trying to push for a life of togetherness that he wasn't ready for.

She completely vilified him. None of our other friends knew he was married when they met.

I found that I just lost so much respect for her that our friendship couldn't continue. That wasnt a reaction I'd expected.

I've never had an affair personally, but a married friend of mine (in an effectively dead marriage) declared that he loved me. His wife had also picked up on his feelings and challenged him. He didnt deny it. She left him telling me that she didnt blame me and that everyone deserved to he happy and giving him the opportunity to pursue something with me if he wanted.

Following a very difficult few weeks, I now have very limited contact with him and she and i are still friends. Tricky because I had been attracted to him (you can't help who you're attracted to!) but there is no way I'd get involved in someone else's relationship in that way!

@spritesobright completely agree

Thing is until you are in the situation you dont know how you would react. People who have experienced being cheated on or have cheated survive and thrive so the whole "life will never be good again" is not really true. People get up dust them selves down and get on with their lives quite happily.

I agree that monogamy is a social construct. Well, not so much monogamy, but the idea that we're designed to mate for life. It's not in our biology. That's why so many marriages end.

I agree it's a social construct - it's not in our 'nature's but there are ways of ending relationships without the devastation of having an affair.

I'd rather someone left me because they were no longer feeling it than stuck around out of a sense of 'duty' and then cheated on me!

@longsigh you say that People get up dust them selves down and get on with their lives quite happily.

They might do that but the hurt and pain of someone you loved lying and deceiving you never goes away. I agree that people who have affairs are extraordinarily selfish and put their feelings before everyone else's in the family.

I was once in a relationship that had very clearly run its course. My ex was lazy in every sense of the word. He was a free loader and despite me telling him several times how unhappy I was he did very little to fix things. In my eyes the relationship was finished but there were some logistical issues in getting him to leave. In the meantime someone from work started showing me a bit of attention and I'm not proud of it but yes there was an overlap if you like. It wasn't the right thing to do but having had no fun, intimacy and love at home for so long I fell hook line and sinker even though in reality this person wasn't right for me either.

I would never have an affair in a relationship I wanted to stay in because imo it would destroy it. But I think for me this was just a way to get the final nail in the coffin of my relationship.

It's not always black and white.

I had an affair, ended recently. And then my husband found out.

Thing is, I knew I needed to leave my marriage, and the affair gave me the strength I suppose to realise I can, even though I'm not leaving for him.

I regret the pain I caused my DH, but he can understand some of my reasons and understand that if I stayed I will cheat again.

My friends have been supportive, all know nothing is black and white.

No. Committing to someone through marriage or otherwise is exactly that. A commitment. Imagine what you would say and or do if you found out your husband/dp was contemplating an affair. You cannot have double standards without realising you are not a nice person.
We don't magically morph into someone else when you commit to someone - you will have crushes and feel attraction to other people throughout your life. The adult response is to recognise this and not act on them. The immature thing is to be swept away as if you were the only person ever to have had some kind of attraction to a random bloke like Paul with a ponytail from R&D. It will pass. You will feel foolish.
Parents really need to explicitly teach this to their children.
If you are not committed to your current relationship, figure out why. But the grass is not always greener, and assuming he's a regular bloke, your current dp does not deserve this kind of treatment.