Have you ever had an affair?

[GoldieGoldie]

This is a really personal question I know.

There is somebody at my work who I have chemistry with. I think about him all the time and look forward to bumping into him. And I think he feels the same.

But I would never act on these feelings as I know it would be stupid.

Has anyone ever acted upon feelings like these? I'm just interested to hear from experience.

Yes, mainly been the OW. I think you have to ask what your motives are- if it's just sex and you're not getting it at home then it might be ok. (Controversial viewpoint I know.) If your marriage is over it'd be ethical to leave before getting involved with someone else.

If you're really not sure about your motives you could see a therapist or something.

So it's better to be a liar and a cheat and risk ending up in the position you describe

Mayne women who feel like that should spend time work on their career and financial independence instead of spending time focusing on, and, shagging someone else

In a perfect world, yes. But it's frequently only the realisation that happiness can happen for you that can give you the push you need to achieve those things. I'm not saying it's right. But I'm saying it happens. It's not considered socially acceptable for people to leave a marriage simply because they find it deeply unfulfilling. Is that right? That as a society, we encourage women to be repressed emotionally and sexually to ensure the survival of a family unit?

No I haven't and I never will.

I've never really understood the low self esteem/self worth argument. To me, having an affair with a married man is arrogance in the extreme.

I've had plenty of opportunities to be an affair partner and I never have been. To me, it seems like an enormous responsibility! If the affair is discovered and he is kicked out, you would have to be pretty damn arrogant to think you were worth it all: all of the pain caused; the disruption to people's lives; the damage to the children and the hurt done to extended family relationships etc.

@MiddleOfTheNightAndwideAwake but narcissism is rooted in low self esteem. Paradoxical yes but sadly very evident in situations like these.

The OW who got involved in my marriage was both arrogant to the extreme but clearly lacking in any kind of self worth or value. She was incredibly needy whilst being the expert on everything he ever needed despite knowing him a few short months and talking to him about his mental health telling him I was wrong about him, something she has no experience of and I have a 15 year career in. Boggles the brain really.

@thebluestocking I would consider someone who left their marriage because it was unfulfilling as brave. Maybe that's what's wrong with society? It shouldn't be frowned upon to leave a marriage for any reason you see fit. But it should be frowned upon to be apart of an affair, whatever the excuse is. To take part in an affair because you're not getting it at home makes you a c**t in my eyes. Utterly selfish. Ruining lives for a bit of sex 🤷‍♀️.

@interestingwoman why wouldn't you leave if you weren't getting any at home? Or at least address it? Can't imagine how shitty it must feel to always be the bit on the side.

No, never have, never will

@Louise831

You might. But I think most people would see that as pretty shabby behaviour.

I mean it must be awful for your husband/wife to end a marriage that you thought was ok/good but not nearly as awful as it would be to be cheated on. People have a right to be happy and maybe people's attitudes to that need to change rather than just thinking up excuses for cheating. If people had the balls to end their unfulfilling relationships before cheating the world would be a better place.

@Louise831 but it really isn’t that black and white. You may find part of your relationship unfulfilling but still be in love with your partner. In that situation I would advocate talking openly with your partner and coming to a compromise , eg open relationship, but many people feel they just can’t do that and they’ll lose everything. I read a study that most women have affairs in order to stay married as it keeps them happy !

@Strongmummy I accept that not all affairs are black and white and there's certain circumstances that I could understand more than others but as for still loving your husband but wanting to sleep with others....that's just tough shit. That's having your cake and eating it. You don't get to have both and why should you? What about the faithful partner? Don't they deserve more than that? They should be set free to find someone who is fulfilled with them. Otherwise you're putting your own happiness before theirs and how is that fair? And as for the age old saying 'having an affair saved my marriage.' That's just nonsense....what kind of marriage would that even be? I'm sure the poor victim in that situation would rather their husband/wife leave.

When I was young, before meeting my husband, yes - more than one. At the time I found it all very exciting, the clandestine nature of the thing and no commitment.

@Louise831 have a read of “dead bedrooms” on reddit. There are many people out there who haven’t been touched sexually by their partners in years. They love them, they want to stay with them but their partners have no sex drive and they want sex which is completely natural. It’s very sad. Again in that circumstance I would advocate agreeing on an open relationship, but some people just can’t do that.

@Strongmummy then there's a fundamental problem in the relationship. Consistently refusing sex isn't fair and needs addressing. If they're not open to an open relationship or counselling then I still think it would be best to end the relationship. Although I can understand why someone would stray in those circumstances......if it comes out, it causes absolute heartache for so many people....and what about the person they cheat with? Does their partner/family 'deserve it' too?

I did - with the man who is now my DH. Looking back we were both in unhappy marriages but should have left those before we became involved with each other. I’m not proud of what we did. But we have been married for 15 years, have a DS, and have very good relationships with DH’s older children. We have a reasonable relationship with his exw and her partner.
Would I do it again? Hard to say no, because of where we are now, but I would do things very differently.

.....and although I'm all for open relationships (it's the betrayal I don't agree with) very few people can manage them. It's almost guaranteed that people fall in love with people they have regular sex with, it's natural.....and often they just cause immense jealousy.

@Louise831 I do agree with you. It’s just such a desperate situation isn’t it

Louise831
People wouldn't stay friends with someone who physically attacked someone so why would you stay friends with someone that intentionally inflicts serious emotional pain on another human?
What if they attacked someone for threatening their child? Or attacked someone after years of abuse? Or attacked someone in self defence? You wouldn't be friends with these people?? My point is that things are not black and white. An 'cake and eat it' affair is different to a 'marriage is abusive and the other person is kind and I am developing the courage to leave my marriage' affair. Nothing is black and white in life.

Not all affairs are with married people. Mine weren't but they were 'secret'. Looking back I now think I enjoyed the clandestine nature of the relationships but they weren't with people I'd want to go out with and introduce to friends and family. That probably sounds even more dreadful but I really didn't want them as a 'boyfriend'.

There was one that I particularly remember, just a year older than me. He was a student nurse at a hospital in London, I used to go to his little studio flat and spend the night. Everything about it, including the little place where he lived at the top of a big house, was exciting. I went out for a drink with him once with two friends of his and didn't feel comfortable though I didn't show it - then he introduced me to his (very nice) parents and two sisters. After that I ended it and tbh he wasn't the sort of chap I wanted to go out with in the usual way. He obviously wanted more from the relationship than I, to me it was all fantasy, but we were young, 21/22 ish.

Another one around the same time was with a guy a few years older, his wife had left him and their two children. I'd known him and been friendly with him and his wife since she and I were teenagers but she was then living somewhere distant, only coming back to see and care for the children (who eventually lived with her).

I used to stay at his place and sneak out early morning, terrified my dad might see me because it was just around the corner to my parents and my dad left early for work, our paths could have crossed.

After a while it was obvious the guy wanted me to move in and be a stepmother - he kept saying, "When you move in..." - but that was never on the cards for me so I just let it all fade naturally. He found somebody else whom he married and had more children - I heard years later that didn't last either but not my business.

Nope. It's just tacky.

@damnthatanxiety I've already said I except there are some circumstances where I'd be able to understand more....but I don't think it's ever a good idea. Even if you've been a victim of abuse.....because although you may be the victim in the marriage, if you have an affair, the tables quickly turn when it's all revealed and suddenly you're the bad guy even if you weren't to start with. Friends and family lose respect for you and you hurt any children involved that might not understand the situation you are in. Get out of the marriage but having an affair will never help in my opinion.

I think it was pretty clear what I was insinuating when I was comparing a physical assault to an affair. I would distance myself from anyone taking part in an affair (except maybe, if it was a really close friend in an extreme situation) just as I would someone that went around hitting people. I accept that there are some extreme circumstances but very often, people conduct affairs because they're too weak to leave their partner or because they want someone to provide a stable home for them and remain faithful whilst they have a bit of fun. I won't be having any part of that because I think it's cruel and selfish and they're not traits that I want in friends. I also vividly remember the pain cause by my fathers affair when I was a child.

I have.

It was great, then it wasn’t great, then it was awful and hideous and actually made me suicidal. It’s changed me as a person (for the worse) and I would give anything to go back and undo it.

Please don’t do it.

I have been involved in an affair but I was not the married one. Let's face it.. falling in love or becoming infatuated with someone feels great. That heady feeling of that first kiss, etc is hard to fight. It's not worth the destruction it leaves in its wake.

13 years I've been involved with my on/off fling.

Mostly friendship. Until recently we both really enjoyed each others company. Used each other as a confidant with occasion overstepping of boundaries. We were equals and I stayed away for five years physically. Occasional messaging. Ego boosts.

The past nearly 18mths. Full on affair. Yes there's the highs- but It's mostly been awful. My mental health and self esteem at rock bottom. I've started to see us for what is it. His control over me has started to wane. I'm getting out of it.

I've definitely got more to lose than him. Yet I was at one point prepared to do that+ that's not in his plan. Happy to have me single and shag me. Not happy to do the distance it seems.