Have you ever had an affair?

[GoldieGoldie]

This is a really personal question I know.

There is somebody at my work who I have chemistry with. I think about him all the time and look forward to bumping into him. And I think he feels the same.

But I would never act on these feelings as I know it would be stupid.

Has anyone ever acted upon feelings like these? I'm just interested to hear from experience.

The view that the cheat is somehow some kind of dick-craving selfish bastard and the cheated-on is an innocent victim is far too black and white thinking.

While the affair is always wrong, it is naive to think that there are never circumstances which bring it about.

I will regret having an affair for the rest of my life not least because the person I had the affair wasn’t worth it. But I think it’s also fair to say that my self esteem was destroyed to the point where I believed that anyone who upheld my worth as a person liked and accepted me for me.

In my marriage my ex crushed everything I was. he moved me away from friends and family and support network because he was the one who needed to be close to his job and was more important. He went out every weekend to watch sport and even his friends and colleagues at work warned him that one day I would probably stop wanting to put up with it.

He took pictures of me without my knowledge, he bugged the house to make sure I wasn’t doing something I shouldn’t be.

He turned off the heating in the garage so I couldn’t have it on while he was out.

He made me have sex with him six weeks after our DC was born because in his words, I had to have sex to make sure everything was ok for my six week check. It was made very clear that when DC went down for their nap we would be going upstairs to have sex and that’s what happened.

He continually told me that I never needed anyone else as no-one else wanted to be my friend but at least I had him, and while I wasn’t pretty he loved me.

No, he didn’t deserve to be cheated on, but neither was he an innocent going about his relationship completely oblivious to the fact that things were very, very wrong.

I didn’t stay with the affair partner, in fact it was a one night stand but it gave me the realisation that leaving was ok.

When you live in a certain situation you lose sight of the fact that it isn’t normal. People say that you should just leave but if the abuse is systematic and breaks you down gradually then it can take a while to realise you could actually do better, in fact that being alone would be better.

People are free to judge me, God knows I spent enough time judging myself. But does that really achieve anything? The idea that you would never have an affair is self righteous. In my experience it’s the people who are so vocal about never cheating who end up doing just that.

HoneyBeeHappy I am sorry you suffered such abuse. Your marriage sounds very much like mine was.

Your husband wasnt a victim. He was vile.

However, most people arent vile, most people cheated will not have abused their partner. Your story, isnt everyone elses. Why would anyone assume that if someone has been cheated on, they must have deserved it in some way. Is that what you think of women who post here, destroyed by their partners cheating?

I could have cheated in the same circumstances. I didnt. I left my marriage. Never spoke to the person I had feelings for about it and walked away.

It doesnt make me better than you. But it does show me, that I know I wouldn't cheat.

I have never been married, but have had a few LTRs.
I have also experienced being in all the corners of the 'affair triangle'. I have been the OW, the cheated-on partner, and the cheating partner.
It's all absolutely SHIT. People get hurt - really hurt.
Don't do it.
Don't cross that line OP.
If you find yourself being a bit flirty, or contriving to be in the same place as your colleague, or wearing more make-up/perfume. Just stop. Please.

I have had a fling with a married man and I don’t regret a second

Tellmemaa - were you in a relationship too?

Yes - Biggest regret of my life. Marriage survived and I’m lucky that he forgave me but I was an absolute idiot!

@supersop60 yes but not married

Yes I have. I was young and a bit stupid. I don't recommend it, it made me feel very vulnerable and lonely. It's not a happy place to be in. My relationship ended later on anyway because there was just something not right between us and my affair partners marriage was rocky for a while and it reflected on his children. Once his children started to suffer under the worsening atmosphere and his emotional distance (which is something that happens naturally when your mind is elsewhere) I ended it. Please don't do it, you will make your children unhappy without them knowing why. They don't deserve that. It also won't make you happy.

As the cheated on partner, please don’t have an affair. It was horrible when I found out. I was in shock, particularly as his decision to leave was blamed on a long list of my character flaws. Through counselling I now know that he was relaying his own flaws back to me to calm his guilt and justify his actions. Look to yourself before jumping into bed with someone else.

No. I'm not weak and selfish.

Queen - that's me judged, then.

@tellmemaa why do you not regret? Was it not upsetting when you were discarded ?

@Strongmummy she probably believes that's she's the real love of his life 🤣🤣🤣 but he can't be with her of course because of bla bla bla (insert some crap from the well known script) either that or she is just selfish and cold hearted....it's a common trait amongst OW.

@Louise831 I can’t believe she doesn’t regret it because an affair it’s literally shit for everyone. I think she may be a troll

@strongmummy, despite the common trope most OW have no interest in a relationship with the man they are having an affair with. I certainly didn’t. I’d have been horrified if he had left his wife.

Sorry but I dont believe most arent fussed about a relationship. Some maybe. Plenty do.

@Takeyoutothemovies makes you even worse....you literally did it for kicks. I hope he didn't have kids 😞. @Strongmummy unfortunately, there are women out there that do this without a single thought for anyone else but themselves. I think it's often triggered by low self worth.

No, i was in an abusive relationship myself but wanted it to be over without the complications of anyone else. My best friend was cheated on and it was horrendous to see her go through all that. I just wouldn't want to do that to anyone.

Nope. Never needed to lower myself to being the OW.

@Takeyoutothemovies bullshit!!! I’ve been the OW. It’s about feeling special. It’s devastating when you don’t

Yes and it made me feel like shit. The anxiety made me ill and it ruined my relationships with so many people. Took about 10yr to recover fully!

No but my father did. It destroyed my family.

No never and I wouldn't. I have had it done to me.. with the upshot that DS hasn't seen his dad for 5 years.

I hope he is happy.

Every so often you’ll meet someone attractive. Doesn’t mean there is something wrong with your relationship, just means you have hormones and that there are a lot of men in the world.

Sometimes you’ll even meet men you could have had a happy marriage with, had you met them first. And you wonder “What would that have been like?” (Especially if you meet them on a day when DH is being annoying.)

It would be weak and cruel to act on it though.

Not an affair but I had a massive crush on someone about 7 years ago. I didn’t act on it although I realised that my relationship was in serious trouble. I tried to fix it and failed. We broke up about 2 years later. I probably wouldn’t have stuck it out for that long hadn’t it been for the DC tbh. Ex DP now has a new partner and we are getting along better than when we were together. I never thought I would but i’m mostly content with single life. In hindsight i’m glad I didn’t go down the affair route especially since my crush Mr Wonderful had become single a few months before we met. Sometimes when he is mentioned in conversation I do still wonder what he is up to but thanks but no thanks.