Have you ever had an affair?

[GoldieGoldie]

This is a really personal question I know.

There is somebody at my work who I have chemistry with. I think about him all the time and look forward to bumping into him. And I think he feels the same.

But I would never act on these feelings as I know it would be stupid.

Has anyone ever acted upon feelings like these? I'm just interested to hear from experience.

It is wrong. Because you have changed the terms of the relationship while they, usually, are abiding by the terms of the relationship that were agreed. Its horrendous behaviour to be shagging around and whilst expecting your partner to be faithful

Personally, I think most affairs step into emotional abuse. Many partners, know something is going on and are told they are paranoid, insane, jealous etc

Affairs arent just sex. There are hundreds of small lies, big lies, half truths, spending of family money on the OW/OM. Affairs dont just devastate people because of the sex. It's all the other things as well

This.

I agree it's the better thing to just leave. But it can be incredibly difficult to extricate yourself from a marriage. Particularly for women, who often find themselves stuck with the children afterwards and with the reduced earning power that goes with that - and with being a woman in general.

@IM0GEN, I agree with a lot of what you said. However, you see women on here who have unilaterally changed the terms of their relationship all the time. I KNOW it is not just women who do this, plenty of men decide they don’t want a sex life anymore and the women is left high and dry (quite literally!).

It’s very unfair for anyone to force their partner into celibacy because they have decided to change the terms of their relationship. Many people would struggle to leave an otherwise good relationship ^just^ because they aren’t having sex anymore. You see it played down on here all the time when women post and say they don’t fancy their husbands, don’t want to have sex etc. Responses like “oh it’s just sex”, “if he loved you.....etc etc”. Sex is not just about getting your dick wet. It’s all the micro affection which goes along with it. I’m not putting this solely on women, men also do the same thing.

I truly believe women have affairs at the same rate that men do but they just aren’t found out on the same scale as men are. Monogamy is not a natural state for humans!

@takeyoutothemovies I agree, but it’s in this situation that you talk frankly to your partner about an open relationship.

Never have, couldnt even contemplate it, the guilt would eat me up so i wouldnt be enjoying my time anyway. Im a very flirty person, but thats as far as it goes, just banter i wouldnt physically touch anyone. Ever. If i was thinking of cheating i'd know the relationship had reached its end.

The fact you asked this question says you're tempted. Maybe read some other threads here and how it ruins lives before you do it

Yes , I did. And still paying the price some 4 years later. It never worked out. So was left with very little. Low self esteem. No money.
Lost almost everything. Just starting to recover my loses. So in the end, no not worth it. But it does magnify the problem in your marriage. And they need addressing first. Otherwise just leave. I promise it will get very messy

@longsigh some people 'dust themselves off' after being cheated on but not everyone does. My dads affair seriously tarred my childhood. It took my mum 7 years to stop crying. I also know if people that were so hurt, they never had another relationship again.

I find it quite bizarre how's its been insinuated that one poster is is 'cold hearted' for not condoning affairs.......when in fact partaking in an affair is one of the most cold hearted things you can do. I'm all for polygamy aslong as everyone involved knows about it!!!!

I too would distance myself from anyone who took part in affair. It's a selfish, cruel, dishonest thing to do. People wouldn't stay friends with someone who physically attacked someone so why would you stay friends with someone that intentionally inflicts serious emotional pain on another human?

No. I would never have an affair.
One of my siblings had an affair and she caused devastation to her ex. She married someone that wasn't right for her but she should have called it a day a long time before the affair.
My best friend has recently been cheated on by her husband and it's been heartbreaking for her and the DC. I couldn't do it.

@Louise831 that's because the ones condoning affairs are the cold hearted ones themselves and don't care about hurting other people's feelings. Otherwise why would they be fine with it? They don't consider other people's feelings important so it's not a concern to them. It's just a lack of empathy.

Yes, cheated on my husband a lot. I was in a bad place mentally and I was chasing something that didn't exist. Not worth any of it. Always on edge, the lies, the fear of being caught, all for a few moments here and there. Not as glamorous as TV makes it out to be. Look at yourself first. Is something missing? If it's pure lust, try and let it go.

Monogamy may well be a social construct but boiling it down to something so small seems to cut away all the nuance and numerous other aspects of relationships and even affairs. If my husband had an affair and then told me it's ok because monogamy is just a social construct I would tell him to fuck off. Just leave if you want someone else. Please just leave.

It might be a social construct but it’s one that people have to opt in to. No one is forced to get married in our society.

People don’t have affairs because they are protesting against social constraints. They have affairs because they feel entitled to have their cake and eat it.

They want the benefits of a monogamous marriage ( such as their partner being faithful to them ) without the responsibilities. Otherwise they would leave first , then have their other relationship.

Don't do it OP it's not worth the heartache. If you are missing something in your current relationship how about work on the one you have , ask your OH for a date night etc. The grass isn't always greener x

Finish your current relationship first, wish I had done that but I didn't. But I disagree @MoonlightMistletoe - sometimes the grass is greener.

Yep. I lost everything.
It wasn't worth it.

I discovered i'd been cheated on 14 years and 354 days ago. Has destroyed me and my life.
If you want to completely f**k someone over, go ahead, do it.

You love your DP so much but you want sex with another man?

If you are happy to destroy your family and cause your children unhappiness and pain for a fuck, go right ahead.

You're not unique, many people find themselves having a crush but recognise it for what it is.

I went out with someone 25 years ago who swore he was single and i thought he was the love of my life, until I discovered he had a wife and six children in Ireland. I obviously dumped him but the guilt stayed with me for a long time.

But it can be incredibly difficult to extricate yourself from a marriage. Particularly for women, who often find themselves stuck with the children afterwards and with the reduced earning power that goes with that - and with being a woman in general.

So it's better to be a liar and a cheat and risk ending up in the position you describe?

Mayne women who feel like that should spend time work on their career and financial independence instead of spending time focusing on, and, shagging someone else.

Had my ex wife offered an open relationship before she cheated I would have snapped her hand off as I had plenty of opportunity. She didn’t because like many cheaters what’s good for them, is not good for their spouse!

My husband had an affair or fling as he liked to call it, I hired private detective to find her had small children and obviously couldn’t believe anything he said so be prepared if you mess with peoples lives, I have never felt the same about him and 20 years on I’m on the verge of splitting up kids are almost grown . Just remember it’s a horrible thing to do all round can effect so many lives I always remember feeling so naive and stupid he was shagging het while I was washing his underwear and looking after every aspect of his life personally I could never do that to another woman

Speaking from experience, I would stop all contact with the guy you like and forget about him. The affair I had previously destroyed everything, almost broke me and has taken a few years to recover from. I’m finally rebuilding my life, and I’ve found happiness again. It wasn’t worth it.

Can't you just fantasize about him when having sex with your dh?