Have you ever had an affair?

[GoldieGoldie]

This is a really personal question I know.

There is somebody at my work who I have chemistry with. I think about him all the time and look forward to bumping into him. And I think he feels the same.

But I would never act on these feelings as I know it would be stupid.

Has anyone ever acted upon feelings like these? I'm just interested to hear from experience.

@FlorenceJune

You'll get your confidence back. Block and delete. Best wishes for Christmas and the new year x

@Strongmummy @TheBlueStocking. Thanks for your kind words, I know I don’t deserve them for my horrendous behaviour. Worse thing is I frequently feel like I’d still go back there given the chance 😢😢. Please don’t do it @GoldieGoldie - I wouldn’t wish this on anyone 💔. Really look into what could be missing from your marriage and try and fix that instead

No.

Yes. When I was in an abusive relationship with an ex. I wasn't married.
My self esteem was on the floor and he picked me up and made me feel better about myself.
It gave me the focus to leave the abusive partner. It was an horrific time once it all came out but I think if I had stayed with abusive partner I might not have been here now.

@florencejune I think what many people forget is that being in a monogamous relationship for many many years is absolutely not natural. Why do so many people have affairs, get divorced etc...

What you need to hold dear is your own self worth. That is really the only thing that matters. It sounds like it’s been ripped to shreds. The ONLY person that can fix it is you. I know exactly how you feel. It’s awful. However, remember YOU do have control. Own it.

@spritesobright I’m not minimising. My partner had checked out of our marriage and I felt like a stranger for years. He only got how shit I felt once I told him I had feelings for someone else. Sorry you’ve gone through what you have, but trust me, not everyone who has an affair is “evil”. Some of us are actually trying to find a glimpse of happiness in an otherwise shit situation

I am in this situation currently.22 years married with an adult child.In an ok but so so marriage, we are comfortable and get on well mostly, but don’t do much together.Its been very up and down over the years and we have talked about splitting up a few times.

After what if I’m honest has been a 5 year minimum emotional affair /dependence with a work colleague, albeit mostly over the phone due to distance ( we live 200 miles apart) on leaving my job we have now started a physical affair. Clearly distance is an issue but we are are completely besotted with each other. I think we have both realised that having the relationship we have had for years has bolstered both our marriages.

I know I’ll be flamed on here , and it’s the last thing I ever thought I’d be posting about but I’ve been knocked sideways by this and I don’t know what’s going to happen , I only know that I do not want to give up my affair and nor does my affair partner.I love him and it’s mutual. But we both know that it can’t go on indefinitely.

@tempnamelady it’s decision time I’m afraid. You can’t live your life like this. Do you need your husband for any reason? If not, do the decent thing and leave. If you still love your husband, but feel you need your lover to “complete” you sexually/emotionally, again you need to tell your husband. He can then decide whether he can work with you in this or not.

@Strongmummy. Thank you again. I’m blown away (and in floods 😭) by your response. You are so right, I need to hunt down that self worth that I haven’t seen for years, and when I find it, never bloody let it go again. ☹️☹️

@Strawberryoranges... totally agree with what you say..
OP... just dont

I did. It was emotional rather than physical but that was bad enough and I left my husband after it has been going on for a few weeks.

I've now been married to the affair person for five times as long as I was married to my first husband and we have three children. The affair was obviously not my proudest moment but I don't regret it and never have, in fact it was the best decision I have ever made.

No I haven't. I have more self respect than that and respect for others involved including my kids.

I also would not knowingly associate with those who have/do/think it's OK. If they can lie and be deceitful to those they love and their family, imagine what they can do to me, just a friend.

So no, I haven't. It's pretty much against everything I stand for.

GoldieGoldie
If you're seriously thinking about shagging someone else, please understand that your DH(/DP) WILL find out.
I've been a cheater in the past. Not just once.

They always find out.

In my early twenties I was in a relationship with someone not 100% for me (in hindsight), but we lived together, I'd made the commitment, but ended up cheating. Within about 2 months my DP found out, was deeply hurt (I cared about him as a friend, it was really awful) I was thrown out, had to live with my dad. The guy I'd been cheating with then "took me in" so I moved in with him, seriously I'm not proud, but after 2 years I ended up cheating on him too! Ok I was young and reckless. Needless to say HE found out, kicked me out, had to move back in with my dad, history repeated.

I'm now more mature and have settled down with the man who is right for me and we have a family.

Slight essay there, but if you want guaranteed upheaval, pain, uncertainty, go and cheat.
If you want true independence and do the right thing, leave your FP. Sounds like he's not for you. I think you have a problem.

Are you confusing feelings of friendship/ dependency with feelings of love?

Oh my goodness, I never dreamed you had children but you say you have and they must be very small, too small to have their lives disrupted which could happen if you had an affair.

However (as I said earlier), what goes on in the mind is rarely so good in reality. Remember that.

@lifeincoldblood you’re being incredibly naive if you think you knowingly set out to have an affair 🤣🤣🤣

OP you have DC with your partner? And all
you want?

My view is: if you were in a bad relationship, ultimately needing to get out, badly treated, your DP had betrayed you, and you met someone who made you remember who you are and who wasn't married himself - then it would be ok to talk to him, as it would hurt nobody and help you.

But that's not your situation. You're happy and have everything. You've got a crush on this guy. You fancy him. So you have to totally avoid him. Of course you can't have an affair. That would be monstrously selfish and unfair. And it would probably come out and ruin everyone's lives forever.

So avoid the guy. It will eventually go off. Or he'll find someone else and disappear.

I had one. But I wasn't happy in my marriage. I'm not saying that makes it ok, but if you are actually happy in your marriage don't do it. I don't regret mine cos it gave me the push and the courage to get out of my marriage. But you say you're happy. Don't risk everything you have. Not worth it x

"I only know that I do not want to give up my affair and nor does my affair partner.I love him and it’s mutual. But we both know that it can’t go on indefinitely."

So leave your husband then. Give him a chance to find someone else too.

OP, don't do it. It's deceitful and will ultimately end badly for someone.

Been close but didn't stray - I think it's more about what you're craving as a result of missing something from your relationship? As previous posters have said this is likely the moment where you could reflect on what needs work in your relationship. Good luck x

I had an affair with someone else’s husband.

All I can say is just don’t do it. Just don’t. I know it feels good and you feel invigorated and happy and full of the feels, but what goes up must come down. And when it does it will be ugly, brutal and damaging.

Just leave. Seriously, you have one life. You don’t have to be in a monogamous relationship. You can find someone else and enjoy all those lovely feelings without the shit that goes afterwards.

Just don’t

@Strongmummy
you’re being incredibly naive if you think you knowingly set out to have an affair

There are very few cases where the other party has not known the person they are seeing is already in a relationship or married. That's very different.

But to find out someone is in a relationship and continue to see them then yes, the choice is to keep going or not.

No one trips and falls on a dick, an affair is rarely a mistake.

But I don't care if you call me naieve because I disagree with them. It's quite insulting really to not have my view on it respected without being told I have no idea... Glad to see which side you're on so we can avoid each other.

But just to cladify I didn't say anything about "knowingly set out to have an affair"
I said I wouldn't knowingly associate with those who do/have/or think it's OK to have them........ Perhaps when to set out to take a shot at least comprehend the post.

Just a few things from life, observation and experience: monogamy is bloody hard work, potentially not our natural state and relationships go through many changes over time. Polyamory or affairs are bloody hard work, can be excruciatingly painful (yes, also for the one apparently ‘having fun’). One size does not fit all when it comes to relationships and an affair isn’t necessarily the end or the worst that can happen. However, if you act on desire, it WILL change everything and all changes involve loss.

@Craftycorvid, completely agree.

My ex husband had an affair and we got divorced. I was completely black and white about affairs/monogamy for a long time.

And then I had an affair with a married man.

I DO NOT condone sleeping with someone else’s husband. At all. But I also no longer believe affairs are black and white/good and bad. I spent a lot of time talking to people who had been cheated on and people who had/were cheating.

There are so many different types of affairs. The “cake eaters” who just want their cake and to eat it. The exit affairs (marriage already dead and buried, looking for a way out), this was my ex husband. And the affairs where the people involved genuinely do love their spouses but have unmet emotional or sexual needs. They don’t want to leave, they have no plans to leave but they also can’t carry on living a half life. Also the people who’s lives are so intermeshed with each other it would be devastating for everyone involved to try and separate finances, children, homes, businesses etc.

It really isn’t black and white.

Having said all that, I would not get involved in anyone else’s marriage again and plan to stay single for the rest of my life.