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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is a man who's been violent always like a dog that's bitten?

285 replies

GilbertMarkham · 18/12/2019 16:47

Has anyone ever had a long term relationship in which a man who was violent (during a time of extreme conflict for example) not be violent again?

Or are they like a dog who's bitten - only fit for the relationship equivalent of being put down.

OP posts:
qazxc · 18/12/2019 16:49

Having been in an abusive relationship, I would never go out with someone who had been violent ( especially to a partner or child). Abusers will always have a story/ excuse as to what happened.

tabulahrasa · 18/12/2019 16:53

I’d give a dog that had bitten more leeway than a person that’s been violent tbh, dogs don’t have higher resoning and it’s more understandable when they react on instinct.

People’s instincts aren’t the same... so...

Lllot5 · 18/12/2019 16:55

Wouldn’t be able to trust that they wouldn’t do it again.
Dog and men I think.

FuriousFlannels · 18/12/2019 16:56

Yep. I'd trust the dog again - they don't lie about 'never doing it again'.

I would not trust the man. I would expect violence regain whenever things didn't go his way.

FruitcakeOfHate · 18/12/2019 16:56

Yes. They never change. Anyone who goes with a person who's been known to be violent is a fool.

Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 18/12/2019 16:57

dogs don’t have higher resoning and it’s more understandable when they react on instinct.

True.

It was more of an analogy though.

OP posts:
LondonCrone · 18/12/2019 16:57

Like PP, I would trust a dog more than a man. No man who’s hit, or even been aggressive, with a woman or child (or anyone really, except in self defence) is coming anywhere near me. Not worth it.

Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 18/12/2019 17:05

Oh dear pp are getting well into the dog thing - maybe I shouldn't have said anything about dogs.

Do you think it is ever the case that someone can be violent in exceptionally conflict laden circumstances in a relationship, but not repeat it or is it only a matter of time?

For that matter, do you think someone could be violent in a relationship with one person die to their dynamic, but not another?

This is not regular, sustained, frequent violence btw. Not minimising, just depicting accurately.

OP posts:
Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 18/12/2019 17:05

*due to

OP posts:
UpperLowercaseSymbolNumber · 18/12/2019 17:07

Is this someone you are in a relationship with or thinking about being in a relationship with?

MitziK · 18/12/2019 17:08

'I only gave her a little tap'

'It was just the once'

'She made me do it'

'I was under stress'

Nah. Bollocks to that.

Thetellyisjelly · 18/12/2019 17:09

How do you know about the frequency or the severity? The only person who could tell you about that would be the victim.

paranoidmum2 · 18/12/2019 17:10

Yes, once break the taboo (never raise your hand to a woman) has been broken and then it’s only a mater of time before it happens again.

FruitcakeOfHate · 18/12/2019 17:10

Any time you try to make up an excuse for violence, you're minimising it.

There's no excuse for it.

Thetellyisjelly · 18/12/2019 17:10

They just always return to their default setting.
These men can start a fight over a slice of toast.
That’s what they are.

paranoidmum2 · 18/12/2019 17:11

piss poor writing there sorry

lazylinguist · 18/12/2019 17:11

Maybe, maybe not. But I wouldn't even consider taking the risk. Once is too many times, whatever the circumstances.

Aknifewith16blades · 18/12/2019 17:11

It's not so much about them, but about you. If they've hurt you before it's always going to be there in the back of your mind.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 18/12/2019 17:12

Why waste your time waiting to find out? Confused there are other, non-violent, decent men out there. Pick one of them and live without a cloud of fear.

KickAssAngel · 18/12/2019 17:15

It isn't just the violence, though, is it? A man who's abused their partner has that underlying core belief that they have the right to treat another person like that. Even if they don't hit again, they can diminish and undermine their partner in so many ways. Violence is often the last act of abuse, with years of emotional/financial/verbal abuse leading up to the violence. That's why it's such a huge 'no'. Once someone gets that far, they've already been systematically abusing their partner in many different ways.

I've worked with one of the leading intervention programs in the world, and been in sessions with men who are court-ordered to attend a 6-month intervention program. Even with the treat of prison (for some of them a return to prison for a life sentence) there is an incredibly high number of men who drop out of the program and end up back in court. If weekly monitoring, a support system, intervention program and the threat of court can't make a man change his behavior, why do you think that life being a bit less stressful would achieve that?

Gutterton · 18/12/2019 17:16

Was the previous one off extreme conflict situation with you - or someone else?

What are the details - when was it? What has changed?

Betterbegoing · 18/12/2019 17:16

Why are you even considering it? Or has he already reeled you in and you’ve only just found out?
I wouldn’t go near a violent man. They don’t change... or generally want to change either. It’s fundamental to their character, being the violent type.

nocluewhattodoo · 18/12/2019 17:17

If this is about someone you are considering being in a relationship with then I would seriously question your reasoning. Women are killed at a rate of 3 a week by violent partners and ex partners, why the hell would you take the risk?

WeakAsIAm · 18/12/2019 17:40

Honestly I would say no from experience.

My dad was physically violent to my mum; he hasn't been for a while now (age, Ill health etc) but I think it's still there can't quite put my finger on it; maybe the way he speaks, some of his beliefs etc but no I don't honk he's a changed man at all. This is a man I love dearly so not an attack on him but an awareness of who he is.

My 'D' H definitely no he is not reformed though he claims he is; again he has excuses for his behaviours not really remorse.

I think it's fundamental to their core beliefs and I don't think they can ever be changed, sorry

Fannybaws52 · 18/12/2019 17:48

OP you need to understand that there is a difference between a man who has been violent like a boxer or a soldier and a man who inflicts violence on those weaker than himself.

An abuser does not stop. If you are seeing a man who has raised his fists to a woman in the past then you are on borrowed time. It's a line that once mentally crossed, changes that man.

Dont believe the lies and excuses. He hits once, he will again.