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Original poster

Is a man who's been violent always like a dog that's bitten?

285 replies

GilbertMarkham · 18/12/2019 16:47

Has anyone ever had a long term relationship in which a man who was violent (during a time of extreme conflict for example) not be violent again?

Or are they like a dog who's bitten - only fit for the relationship equivalent of being put down.

OP posts:
Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 18/12/2019 17:57

It was with me - about 15 yrs ago. It was during two severe arguments during an ongoing period of conflict. I will truthfully say my behaviour and my (lack of empathy) was considerably worse than his during that it.

We did not split at the time but did some time later. We then got back together about 6 years ago.

We have a toddler who.is a shit sleeper and extremely "active" and stress/pressure levels has been high since she was born, we've had two arguments (maybe a year apart), I was uncomfortable about his behaviour in the last but the latest at the weekend had made me more so. Using his size to block me/make me move, intimidate without touching as such.

The argument escalated over something fairly petty and he asked me to leave it along several times but my character is that of a terrier with a bone.
He had looked after our DD with v bad cold for three nights to let me get some solid sleep and was wrecked. (Again not minimising, just giving full details).

He is not financially, verbally or emotionally abusive and never has been.

I plan to speak to.him again but don't know if I should be giving this up completely.

OP posts:
WheresMyChocolate · 18/12/2019 18:00

If they have done it once, they'll do it again. Always. Because they're rotten to the core.

category12 · 18/12/2019 18:00

Time of extreme stress = violent behaviour

The baby/toddler years = high stress

I don't like your chances.

Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 18/12/2019 18:01

*leave it alone

OP posts:
WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 18/12/2019 18:02

I was uncomfortable about his behaviour in the last but the latest at the weekend had made me more so. Using his size to block me/make me move, intimidate without touching as such.

So you already have your answer. He is already being physically aggressive. What more do you need to happen before you protect yourself and your child?

bengalcat · 18/12/2019 18:03

I’d give the dog a second chance but give the man a wide berth

TellItLikeItReallyIs · 18/12/2019 18:04

It's not clear whether you are asking about which of these situations
A being violent to B in the past, would he be violent to B again
or
A being violent to B in the past, would he be violent in a new relationship with C in future.

If you know a man has been violent in the past to a partner, you are best advised to stay away.

If you are the partner he has been violent to (B) in the above, it is inevitable he will be violent again. Why wouldn't he? He's done it once and got away with it. Why wouldn't he think he can do it again.

If you are a different partner (C in the above), the odds are high that he wold be violent again but I don't think it is certain. People can be different with different people and it can depend on many different things ranging from the dynamics between two people to what the violent person stands to gain or to lose in a new relationship. I know of one man who was abusive to his first wife but treats the second wife completely differently because she has money and gives him a high rolling lifestyle he would lose access too.

These situations are rare though so it's very high risk to get involved with a person who has previously been violent. It's never a risk worth taking given how many people there are in the world to pick a partner from.

TellItLikeItReallyIs · 18/12/2019 18:05

sorry x-post with yours saying it was you.

Yes it will happen again.

5LeafClover · 18/12/2019 18:06

That blocking thing...was it the one where he's almost taunting you to see if you'll push past him....so that he can be physical but blame you.

Thetellyisjelly · 18/12/2019 18:10

Sorry just read the update.
Walk away.
He
May do it again (probably).. he may not...
But the fact is that because the threat is there , he is already controlling the way you behave.

elliemcx · 18/12/2019 18:10

I don't know, perhaps if they agreed to a long and regular ( once/twice weekly, never missed) deep counseling and violent men's support group where they have to admit their wrong doings, and gain tools to learn how to change their thought processes and actions and complete rehabilitation.

It's asking a lot though. I definitely don't think someone who's been abusive could just promise to 'never do it again' without seeking serious and prolonged help. It's a deep issue that needs to be pulled out by the roots, can't just be a promise! You also would have serious resentment and maybe will always have it in the back of your mind!

DoTheHop · 18/12/2019 18:11

Even if it doesn't happen today, you'll change your behaviour to minimise the risk of it happening. It's subtle - so subtle you don't notice yourself changing. But you will have changed.

Mylifeisruined · 18/12/2019 18:12

Please, please believe me when I say that his deteriorating behaviour will decline further, and I speak as someone with 25 years experience.

My husband hit, kicked and bit me for ten years. He stopped totally after the police arrested him (no charges were brought)

Over the 15 years since, he has been verbally abusive/threatening, lied, gambled and been financially abusive. Once a line has been crossed, even if it was 4 decades ago, it has been crossed. As you are now discovering he has found other ways to intimidate you.

Please put your beautiful daughter's safety before any feelings you may have for this man.

I am currently 5 months free after a quarter of a century. My life is ruined, don't let yours be.

LoadOfBaubles · 18/12/2019 18:13

I would never, ever knowingly enter a relationship with a man who had hit his partner, no matter the circumstance or if it was ‘only once’. No.

Clymene · 18/12/2019 18:13

A dog who has bitten can relearn. A man who has hit a woman may be able to do the same but it will need a lot of work from him. Expressing regret and saying he'd never do it again? Not a chance

Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 18/12/2019 18:14

That blocking thing...was it the one where he's almost taunting you to see if you'll push past him....so that he can be physical but blame you.

Not really.

He wouldn't really be goady or calculating like that.

OP posts:
Clymene · 18/12/2019 18:19

Just read your update.

Not a chance

Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 18/12/2019 18:20

you'll change your behaviour to minimise the risk of it happening

You don't know my character.

I am not violent myself but if you told anyone in my family what has happened (they do know about btw) they wouldn't say it was ok, but they'd understand how it might happen. I am extremely feisty, harsh and cannot let anything go. They love me, but think any man who could put up with me deserves to be sainted.

OP posts:
Dyrne · 18/12/2019 18:22

I suspect that the reason he hasn’t hit you since the initial incident is that you have modified your own behaviour to avoid “provoking” him - you’re already making excuses, saying your actions led to his etc.

“Stress” is no excuse for hitting your partner. Having a shit nights sleep is no excuse for physically intimidating your partner.

Don’t let your daughter grow up with this as an example of how relationships are.

Thetellyisjelly · 18/12/2019 18:22

Hmmm so your family have conditioned you for an abusive relationship, because you don’t fit the restrained mousy polite female stereotype?

Clymene · 18/12/2019 18:22

You know what OP? If you and your family believe that you deserve a pinch for being a bit mouthy, that's your choice.

Your poor baby deserves better.

Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 18/12/2019 18:23

That's why I asked about a man with another partner/different dynamic.

OP posts:
Dyrne · 18/12/2019 18:25

Your update about your family explains a lot, OP; and why you’ve been conditioned to accept it.

There is no behaviour that justifies abuse. If your actions were “that bad” then he would be justified perhaps in ending the relationship, but you don’t ever deserve to be physically threatened or intimidated.

Break the cycle - get your child to expect more from a relationship.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 18/12/2019 18:27

but my character is that of a terrier with a bone.

I am extremely feisty, harsh and cannot let anything go.

You’re volatile. He’s volatile.

You are in a volatile relationship.

Your child is living in a volatile environment.

Make all the excuses you like for his behaviour. Maybe you do goad him.

It’s all irrelevant.

What is relevant is that you know he is violent and you choose to keep your child there.

Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 18/12/2019 18:28

You know what OP? If you and your family believe that you deserve a pinch for being a bit mouthy, that's your choice.

I take it you mean punch?

Typical MN hyperbole - I didn't say that. Noone in my family thinks it's ok to be abusive to your partner in any way : j merely said that they would totally understand how I could be involved in an escalating argument that I would never back down from or let go. They would consider me someone who could drive someone round the bend. How someone behaves when driven round the bend is something else entirely.

That's all.

OP posts: