This thread is moving very fast but just wanted to address your earlier post OP:
Just to add on a general point that I've noticed that, while on MN relationships deemed healthy never ever have the slightest incident of raised voices etc., my observation of relationships irl is completely different.
There seems to be a disconnect between MN reality/expectations and real/average ones.
There is a big difference between having arguments, including shouty ones, with verbal abuse. For example, compare shouting "And you never unload the bloody washing machine!" to "You're a fucking lazy cunt!"
An argument to me can actually be healthy as long as it talks (or shouts!) about a problem behaviour rather than personal abuse.
I think many posters on MN either never witnessed shouty (but non abusive) stuff as a child, OR they witnessed verbal abuse and so they experience anything shouty as abuse.
My Grandpa used to verbally (and physically) abuse my Grandma. My mum chose an equally shouty and abusive man in my father. With anyone else if they raised their voice a little to make a point, she would literally put her hands over her ears, hunch over and wail "stop shouting at me, you're being horrible" before running away in tears.