Is a man who's been violent always like a dog that's bitten?

[GilbertMarkham]

Has anyone ever had a long term relationship in which a man who was violent (during a time of extreme conflict for example) not be violent again?

Or are they like a dog who's bitten - only fit for the relationship equivalent of being put down.

@FantasticButtocks

Great usename btw - yes, I think I could certainly do with looking at my behaviour - as I said (this has become a looking thread) somewhere above; I realise I have gone at every discussion/argument with my dh like a deer butting horns - for various reasons - and maybe I need to resolve that.

His issue, as you say, is separate and needs to be resolved one way or another.

Its hard to remember when you were were in the midst of an escalating argument, becoming increasingly angry and then upset; who was where and who where where first - and I can't really accurately remember if what I did in either of those occasions was following him around. I don't think so (in the latest one) because he was in the sitting room, at the door of if when he did what bothered me most (squaring up/looming over) and I was j the hall just outside it. But I think he was planning on withdrawing in there (as he did a few minutes later) and was perhaps making me stay out ...I don't know.

The kitchen thing - at that point I wasn't really intent in following him to continue an argument, I was angry that he was blocking my exit from the kitchen and telling me to stay in there, I felt I wasn't free to move arij d my own home and wasn't going to stand in the kitchen like some kid in a dunce hat/standing in the corner until allowed to move.

Anyway (!) Thank you all for your contributions, it is a great help and I'll keep rereading them.

*long thread

*who went where first

and I am enjoying the way OP expresses herself. I like her blunt irritation with MN.

Thank you. I think you're unique in that.

Oh no, re the kitchen thing, forcing you to stay in there, not good. That is unacceptable. Did you ask him to move out of your way and allow you out? And did he refuse?

'Squaring up' again, totally unacceptable. The whole thing of it being physical...no, not good. I'm not surprised you are uncomfortable and angry. If it were me, I would actually be scared. But we're all different I suppose. I'd be scared if a man shouted at me! Or a woman...

I'm not liking the sound of him hardening up since his career change either...doesn't bode well.

Oh dear OP, this is a bit shit isn't it?
I wish you well in sorting out what to do.

Was there drink involved in these arguments?

I think you're unique in that

Nope, me too but tbh I don't have any answers. It's made me quite reflective of my own relationship though.

Simple answer... No

Ex has been violent in 3 long term relationships. As with many, I didn't know the extent of the previous 2 until I'd gone through what I did and came out of the other side

Did you ask him to move out of your way and allow you out? And did he refuse?

It's a while ago but we must have ended up with him in the dining room, me in the kitchen - arguing and he blocked the door and then closed the door on me. I obviously told him not to, he ignored it but must've moved away shortly afterward.

Yes.

Thank you.

Was there drink involved in these arguments?

The weird thing is thst drink, by which I mean drinking too much and doing stupid annoying things like turning up at your door in the early hours etc. was one of the main reasons (from my side) the relationship ended initially after 6/7 years.

However it was not involved in those incidents 15 yrs ago at all, nor in the two things during the last year or so. In the last few yrs, neither of us goes out much or drinks much. In fact that's better phrased as we almost never drink or get out, ev b before baby but definitely since.