Is a man who's been violent always like a dog that's bitten?

[GilbertMarkham]

Has anyone ever had a long term relationship in which a man who was violent (during a time of extreme conflict for example) not be violent again?

Or are they like a dog who's bitten - only fit for the relationship equivalent of being put down.

A leopard never changes its spots. My ex was violent because I was hard to live with, it was all my fault (not), I saw the former other woman now wife sporting sunglasses the other day despite the foggy weather.

No . What varies generally, is the timing. Sometimes it escalates into violence quickly. Sometimes nothing for years.
But these men always have this awful facet of their personality to turn to in times of difficulty.
As I said before, the abuse rarely fits the ‘sin’ of the victim. These men will kill over the last custard cream. It just depends on the day. You can’t control it by ‘behaving yourself’.
Lots of abusive men lose it over circumstances entirely outside the family... they flip after being served the wrong drink , or after losing their favourite jeans... or a drama at work. They just come home and go to town on the easiest punchbag.
Women aren’t abused because of how they behave .

Sounds like you should be single OP if you drive partners round the bend.

Sounds like you should be single OP if you drive partners round the bend.

Many people do.

My mum would drive someone round the bend, and everyone acknowledges that; however she had a partner who could tolerate her in my late father.

If there is volatility, aggressive, screaming and shouting going in your home - then that is Domestic Abuse.
If your baby /child witnesses this then this is defined as Child Abuse (NHS, NSCCP).

Even if your baby doesn’t see it - but can sense it or hear it it is v damaging to their social and emotional development. They absorb and internalise the abuse and are confused, scared, stressed and anxious. This will leave them with long term emotional injury (behavioural issues / MH issues) it endured.

Both of your jobs as parents are to provide a calm and peaceful home. A soothing place with stable predictable role models.

If your arguments escalate - seek RS counselling or anger management therapy.

But your babies well being ahead of scoring points.

I was uncomfortable about his behaviour in the last but the latest at the weekend had made me more so. Using his size to block me/make me move, intimidate without touching as such.

Uncomfortable. Intimidated. You might be a bolshy stubborn woman and whatever, but he's scared you a bit, hasn't he?

If there is volatility, aggressive, screaming and shouting going in your home

It is relatively rare.

The majority of the time we get on well and work well as partners and parents.

If it was regular I would not be here asking this question.

Many people do.

Many people do lots of things they shouldn’t. Especially when they should be prioritising their DC having a stable and peaceful home.

I’d say they don’t change. I do know of a man who has a new partner who he’s never hit, but he uses emotional abuse instead. So still an abuser in a different way.

If there's a first time there's never a last

If it was regular I would not be here asking this question.

But you did ask the question and now that people have answered you are minimising and excusing. Why did you ask if you aren’t ready to hear the answer?

Just to add on a general point that I've noticed that, while on MN relationships deemed healthy never ever have the slightest incident of raised voices etc., my observation of relationships irl is completely different.

There seems to be a disconnect between MN reality/expectations and real/average ones.

I'm not referring to my scenario specifically here to be clear, just making a general point.

‘Oh look, that annoying fiesty woman, she’d try the patience of a saint! Yes he hits her, but it’s only when she’s being really difficult. She knows it herself.

He’s hit her before and he probably will again - that’s for him to know, his luxury to strike out when he gets too annoyed. She won’t know when or if, but that’s his right, to keep her guessing.

Yes it’s great their daughter knows this violence goes on - it will teach her to respect men and fear them. A great lesson.‘

OP. You know he will again. And it’s hideous for your child.

You're still not giving any reason why this won't happen again.

When somebody is like a terrier with a bone, the appropriate response is to walk away, to step back, to deescalate, to leave, not to lamp them one or try to physically inflame the situation with their body language.

The only time physical violence is totally appropriate is in self defence or in defence of somebody more vulnerable. As in the other person has already attacked and you are trying to stop them hurting you again or you're stopping a giant bloke from hurting an innocent toddler.

In any case, once they're proven to be violent, even if they don't actually hit you, they're more likely to go straight to the strangling bit without warning because they've already broken the taboo of hitting, so it's easier to 'just lose it under extreme provocation' use the same excuse for attempted/actual murder.

What you're enduring is absolutely no way to live. Get out now before you try and put yourself between him and your DC and find out what happens next.

Its an interesting question - I personally would not get in to a relationship with a man who had been violent in previous relationships. I was once told by a woman who had been physically abused by her ex husband that she believed this to be down to dowry abuse - in her culture men get money from the brides family when they marry and if they think they dont get enough that gives rise to abuse. this woman believed that when the ex married again he would respect her because she came from a well off family and he got a big dowry when they married. Google 'dowry abuse Australia' -its interesting. Sadly I think some women who have no family/social support or who are ill or have a disability may be more vulnerable to abuse from some men.

No you didn't say that, but you implied it. But really my post was bollocks.

You also said that your family think any man who could put up with you is a saint. I think that's one of the saddest things I've ever read on here. If you've been conditioned to think you're lucky for any man to stick by you, your boundaries are shot and you will not be able to protect you or your child.

Leave your partner before he hits you and do the freedom programme.

If you won't do it for you, do it for your child. Because you don't want them growing up thinking that they are lucky to have anyone want to be in a relationship with them. You want them to grow up thinking that anyone who they deign to have a relationship with is the luckiest person in the world.

But you did ask the question and now that people have answered you are minimising and excusing. Why did you ask if you aren’t ready to hear the answer?

A. I answered your post with the relevant point that this is not regular in the relationship ; that is not excusing or minimising, it is being accurate and truthful.

B. What makes you think I'm not hearing people's answers. I'm reading and considering everyone's answers.

Don't be the sort of bully that many MNer's become on these threads.

You having to ask this speaks volumes, you’re wary of him and that in itself is enough of an answer IMO

OP. There is one bully in your life and you know who it is.

There's never an excuse for violence even if there is conflict and after suffering previously from a previous abusive relationship I would say they never change and I know they got worse in each relationship

You also said that your family think any man who could put up with you is a saint. I think that's one of the saddest things I've ever read on here. If you've been conditioned to think you're lucky for any man to stick by you, your boundaries are shot and you will not be able to protect you or your child.

No offence but that made me laugh.

Really, if you knew me, you would understand that. But as to my self esteem etc. - in spite of my character I've had several relationships/partners and know I'd get another one .. I still think they're lucky to have me. I most definitely do not think I'm lucky for someone to stick by me.

that is not excusing or minimising, it is being accurate and truthful.

No- the other stuff is minimising and excusing. Which you know.

What makes you think I'm not hearing people's answers. I'm reading and considering everyone's answers.

The minimising and excusing.

Don't be the sort of bully that many MNer's become on these threads.

That won’t work. Sorry. Nice try though.

When somebody is like a terrier with a bone, the appropriate response is to walk away, to step back, to deescalate, to leave, not to lamp them one or try to physically inflame the situation with their body language.

For the sake of accuracy he has never hit, but I agree totally with this. It's the confirmation I wanted from this thread.

@WireBrushAndDettolMaam

You represent the worst type of poster in these type of threads. I hate watching you in action in other people's threads and now I hate watching you on mine.

And you are a bully.

Nice try though.

You don't know my character.

I am not violent myself but if you told anyone in my family what has happened (they do know about btw) they wouldn't say it was ok, but they'd understand how it might happen. I am extremely feisty, harsh and cannot let anything go. They love me, but think any man who could put up with me deserves to be sainted.

I could have written this myself. My mother even went so far as to say I was probably asking for it (she used to beat me too) and could I not just have manners like a normal person.

I discovered, when I left who I now refer to as 'the arsehole', that I didn't need to be that terrier when I was with an actual normal non-violent person.

A lot of that defiance came from me I suppose saying to myself, I endured it as a child, I'm not going to put up with it now. I was a pure targe. But I got beaten up on average once every six months for 7 years.

Since I left him, I'm a lot calmer, not constantly on the attack.

Just be careful about what behaviour you're demonstrating to your dd. I wouldn't give a fuck about fuckyknuckles himself.

It's up to you what you do. You probably know the stats as well as I do. All up to you what you do or don't do. You asked a question and in my experience A. They will hit you again B. Your personality changes while you're with them.