Please help. I need some advice/support

[Fuzzywuzzy9]

Hi,

Please please can there be no bashing. I'm already doing that to myself enough. I really don't know where else to turn and I have no one to talk to.

I'm pregnant but it's not my husband's. We've been married for 10 years and together for 17 and come through some horrendous times. We have two living children and our middle daughter was still born at full term. It totally broke me and I'm still broken.

I've done something really stupid... I've been having an affair for the past 6 months with someone I used to work with. I know my husband doesn't deserve this and I've let him down badly. It ended 3 weeks ago and last week I found out I was pregnant. I contacted my ex and he doesn't want anything to do with me or the baby. He's a very selfish and unpleasant person who treated me appaulingly over the past few months and I'm glad it's over but now I'm in a terrible dilemma.

He's taking me to an abortion clinic in two weeks, he wants me to get rid of it as he doesn't want his life 'ruined'. He said if I keep the baby he won't support me and doenst want any contact, his name on the birth certificate or anything which is fine by me. I've made a terrible mistake and I've come to realise that my husband is amazing and I want to be with him and make a go of it but I don't know what to do.

I don't really want an abortion. How can I reconcile killing a life when my middles daughters was cruelly snatched away. I'll never cope with that guilt and I don't think I can live with myself. But how can I love with destroying my living children's lives by having this baby, ruining their happy lives with me and their dad. They have everything they could wish for.

I've looked at options of going it alone too but it seems it's not an option. Unfortunately I have a name on two mortgages so I can't get any housing or universal credit even though I work at minimum wage for 16 hours a week. My husband is the main bread winner and I don't want him to sell the family home and take everything from him he has worked for. I've contacted CAB and I can't get any help.

I feel totally stuck. I don't want to ruin my children's lives and my husband's but I don't want an abortion because I want this baby and I can't live with taking its life away when I already lost a baby so precious to me.

I want to tell my husband but I'm so frightened, I've hurt him so much already and caused him so much pain. My parents won't help me as the knew I had an affair and won't speak to me. All of my friends are friends with my husband. I don't know what to do.

Xx

I presume from your last paragraph that your husband knows about the affair? In which case, I don't think you have any choice but to talk with him.
If you terminate without telling him, your emotional turmoil will inevitably impact on your fragile marriage.
If you carry on with the pregnancy, he will assume the baby isn't his. You have to be open with him. He deserves honesty.
Or maybe he doesn't know and will be excited at the prospect of another child. Which would be incredibly unfair.
You have to take with your husband.

If your dh already knows about the affair, I think telling him about the pregnancy and finding out what he wants is the way forward. Presumably he decided to stay, he may decide to support you in having the baby.

I agree with pp that you should be upfront with your husband and tell him the truth about both affair + baby, and go from there. Either way you go you have some tough decisions ahead but honestly is the best policy

He does know yes. We aren't in a good place and I'm concerned this will be the final blow. Not only will he be hurt but my last pregnancy was awful and I needed a lot of mental health support as I was convinced my daughter would be stillborn in the same way as my second daughter. I don't think my husband would cope with the dear either of he did support me as that's why he said he doesn't want any more children

But I don't see how you can possibly go through with an abortion you don't want and not tell him either? It's bound to affect you.

Can you get some counselling?

No bashing but you do need to be totally honest with your husband. It's the only way he can make a decision about what he wants to do next.
Lies always come out in the end so if you try to keep this from him it'll only cause you problems later down the line if you decide to stay together.
Get it all out in the open then he can decide what he wants to do based on the truth rather than more lies.

Each choice is renunciation. And you have to choose! Which choice will you be more upset about? The important things is the answer to the question. Good luck

If termination is definitely out of the question, you've no option but to tell your DH because he'll know regardless in a few months.

Personally in your shoes, I wouldn't want any ties to the OM and I wouldn't continue with the pregnancy.

Oh love. What a horrible situation. We all make mistakes.

I have to say if I were you? I’d keep it to myself and have a termination. Then focus on my kids and sorting out my marriage. Otherwise I think you may need to plan to go it alone xx

“I have to say if I were you? I’d keep it to myself and have a termination. Then focus on my kids and sorting out my marriage. Otherwise I think you may need to plan to go it alone xx”

This.

You’re in an incredibly difficult situation and I can understand how painful the prospect of terminating this pregnancy would be, particularly if you have already suffered a stillbirth. But that is what I would do because that is the way your family can soonest begin to heal. I am pro-choice and think you have to prioritise your DCs and your husband over this baby if you want your family to heal. It will be very painful for you but I would terminate very soon because I think the alternative will be much more painful and not just for you but for your DH and probably also your DCs.

Whether your ex wants to be involved or not, he will still need to pay CMS legally. He chose that possibility when he chose to have unprotected sex with you.

You MUST tell your DH. Yes it may spell the end of your marriage. But if you leave it and try to fudge the truth, he'd be stupid not to get a DNA test, at which point that definitely will be the end of your marriage, because he'll know you've lied to him again.

I know (personally) of 2 men whose wives got pregnant with OM and they both elected to stay and raise the child as their own. I'm sure it wasn't easy. But that's your best case scenario.

If you don't want to terminate - and I totally understand your feelings - then DON'T. It's nobody's choice but yours and from the sounds of your post it would end up really screwing you up.

I am so sorry you lost your daughter

Thank you for all your kind messages of advice. I keep swinging from one decision to another. I don't want to ruin people's lives but I know a termination may make me really unwell. What if I had a termination and DH would of supported me? What if I tell him and he won't and everything is ruined? What if I have a termination and regret it. OM is awful, he said he won't support us and laid I guilt trip on me about how if I keep the baby he'll have to lose his house and his existing son. We did use contraception but it failed.

I know I really want this baby but the prospect of doing alone and ruining my loving family, plus all my friends probably, maybe my job as I couldn't afford to go back to it re child care. It's all a big mess. I think I'm going to have to have an abortion but I don't want one.

You have made a mistake and hurt a lot of people. I think you have to put your big girl's boots on and make a decision. I personally would terminate if I couldn't go it alone because I'd feel more responsibility towards my living family. I would also be worried that even if your dh agreed to raising this baby as his own that he wouldn't be able to love the baby properly.

Also just to add my ex is also an emotionally abusive narcissist. Over our relationship he's blamed me for everything wrong in his life and world and convinced me it's true. He won't take responsibility for anything and everything is my fault, including this. After telling me if I have this baby I'll ruin his existing son's life he told me I've f#&@&d up our relationship even if I have an abortion and I'll never let him forget this. No support, no nothing. He knows I've suffered with my mental health and my situation with my middle daughter. I've known him for 10 years.

If I have an abortion I 100% don't want to get back with him but he'll use it against me as I know he'll try to forget it happened and expect me to leave my husband for him

Ok firstly I think you need to forget about labelling your ex. He’s a narcissist or whatever doesn’t really matter. It’s over. It’s done. To be honest, you’re best off not calling names as you’re an adulterer so you are both as bad as each other. Forget him and concentrate on what to do next. You are in a predicament and need to be strong and focus. If you have this baby you’ll lose your husband. Nobody is going to put up with that. They just won’t. It’s a step too far. Do you really even want another baby? You’ve got two kids already that are in the middle of this shit storm and you need to sort yourself out and focus on them. I’d say get an abortion now while it’s early and go into therapy. Trauma and bereavement. Every week. Heal yourself and heal your marriage

Well presumably you didn’t think the OM was that bad while you were shagging him.
Stop whinging and make a decision.
I really don’t see how your DH can be expected to support this child with you.
If I were you I’d have a termination and lots of therapy.

If you continue with this pregnancy you will damage your existing family likely beyond repair, so your choices are pretty black and white - prioritise you and the pregnancy, or prioritise your existing children and your husband.

I think you're looking for someone to tell you that your husband will understand and support you and treat the other man's baby as his own - never showing resentment towards you or the baby - how likely do you really think that is?

@Fuzzywuzzy9 first things first I’d completely forget about the other man. He is awful and having him in your life will not be beneficial.

As you say, an abortion would be horrendous for you. This is something you know. You do not know how your husband will react to the news. I would say it is definitely worth talking to him about this as even if there is a slim chance he’ll support you, then the conversation is worth it.

If you do continue with the pregnancy and your husband does support you, make sure he legally adopts the baby in case the Ex appears again.

I think you should tell your husband first before having an abortion. Albeit unlikely, there's a small chance he could come round to the idea of you going ahead with keeping the baby.

I say this because if, for example, it came up one day that you were pregnant and had an abortion, and your husband turned around and said he "wouldn't have minded" you keeping the baby (I say this loosely as I know it would be unlikely), you would have regrets about the abortion.

If he already knows about the affair, this wouldn't be a completely unexpected surprise.

@RLEOM I did think that too, then the guilt would be so much worse. I just don't know how I'm going to cope with the guilt of an abortion or the guilt of wrecking my children's lives. The two people that could possibly help me are the very two people I can't tell; my husband and my mum. I just don't want to ruin their Xmas first and foremost and ultimately my husband's life. I just can't face having an abortion when I do really want this baby. My ex told me today I'm really selfish for ruining everyone's life by doing what I want and having the baby.

@GreenBasket I do worry he'll resent it or won't at first but will come to in time. He has said he doesn't want anyone children after my last pregnancy was so difficult following my daughter's stillbirth so he would have to also support me through that. I was really mentally unwell through that pregnancy and I don't think he'll want to go through that again (I am actually in a much better place now though). My ex has also said I shouldn't have the baby for that reason but I think everything he says is for his own agenda

I think it's impossible to expect your DH to support you through this pregnancy. You can forget about the OM - he's not interested and quite honestly this child will allow him to be a controlling force in your life for the next 18yrs whether you like it or not. You have already been selfish in having this affair and now you have to decide what's more important, your marriage and children or you and your unborn child potentially with little support going forward. Please understand that I'm not being judgemental, this is simply the reality of where you are. Best of luck with your decision and I'm deeply sorry for the loss of your daughter

I don't think you're being judgemental at all, I appreciate your viewpoint and different perspectives. It's hard to see the wood for the trees right now. OM said he wants nothing to do with me if I have the baby and doesn't want his name on the birth certificate or access and said he wants to forget we exist. I told him that's fine. He told me he doesn't want to speak to me whilst I'm pregnant either and I need to consider what I'll lose (including him) if I have the baby.

I have been incredibly selfish, I just worry my mental health won't take an abortion especially if I'm railroaded into doing something I don't want to do as I won't be able to take the guilt and then I'll end up not being able to parent my children anyway (I've have suffered from severe depression before 😭)