Please help. I need some advice/support

[Fuzzywuzzy9]

Hi,

Please please can there be no bashing. I'm already doing that to myself enough. I really don't know where else to turn and I have no one to talk to.

I'm pregnant but it's not my husband's. We've been married for 10 years and together for 17 and come through some horrendous times. We have two living children and our middle daughter was still born at full term. It totally broke me and I'm still broken.

I've done something really stupid... I've been having an affair for the past 6 months with someone I used to work with. I know my husband doesn't deserve this and I've let him down badly. It ended 3 weeks ago and last week I found out I was pregnant. I contacted my ex and he doesn't want anything to do with me or the baby. He's a very selfish and unpleasant person who treated me appaulingly over the past few months and I'm glad it's over but now I'm in a terrible dilemma.

He's taking me to an abortion clinic in two weeks, he wants me to get rid of it as he doesn't want his life 'ruined'. He said if I keep the baby he won't support me and doenst want any contact, his name on the birth certificate or anything which is fine by me. I've made a terrible mistake and I've come to realise that my husband is amazing and I want to be with him and make a go of it but I don't know what to do.

I don't really want an abortion. How can I reconcile killing a life when my middles daughters was cruelly snatched away. I'll never cope with that guilt and I don't think I can live with myself. But how can I love with destroying my living children's lives by having this baby, ruining their happy lives with me and their dad. They have everything they could wish for.

I've looked at options of going it alone too but it seems it's not an option. Unfortunately I have a name on two mortgages so I can't get any housing or universal credit even though I work at minimum wage for 16 hours a week. My husband is the main bread winner and I don't want him to sell the family home and take everything from him he has worked for. I've contacted CAB and I can't get any help.

I feel totally stuck. I don't want to ruin my children's lives and my husband's but I don't want an abortion because I want this baby and I can't live with taking its life away when I already lost a baby so precious to me.

I want to tell my husband but I'm so frightened, I've hurt him so much already and caused him so much pain. My parents won't help me as the knew I had an affair and won't speak to me. All of my friends are friends with my husband. I don't know what to do.

Xx

And most of all, whatever you do, forgiveness for yourself

I do feel angry for DH giving me an ultimatum but then he can't be expected to bring up another's man's baby when it's me whos cheated on him and got pregnant. I shocked he even wants to try and make it work with me still. He said he just wants us to be happy again and be a happy family like the way we were before and the baby will a constant reminder of me cheating
. I do get that. X

Best of luck. If you go ahead with the termination and you struggle afterwards, which it sounds like you will, remember why you made the decision. To give your family and relationship the best shot. There will be times you both feel resentment and you need to work through those times, don't let this decision be in vain. I would hate you to end up separated and having terminated. But also remember that doing this doesnt mean it will work. He has a long road ahead of him to forgiving you, and be conscious of the fact that ultimately, he may not be able to. I really hope you see counselling together and work through it and come out stronger. But it will be hard for him to trust again, be patient with him as he tries to.

I am so sorry you're in this situation, OP.

You're definitely right about being lucky that your husband wants to stay with you, he must really want to make this work.

Good luck

Thank you. We argued all last night. I just feel so sad, this isn't what I want to do but I'm trying to focus on how it'll effect everyone and everything if I have this baby. I can't have both things and I can't expect my husband to bring up this child. I don't want to be a single mum and om doesn't want anything to do with me and he's so unkind. My husband is so lovely and he deserves better x

Sorry to hear that, but you will I guess. This is really difficult for both of you for such different reasons. If your mind is made up just keep reassuring him you want your family to work. It's going to be a long and difficult road. Awful as it sounds when you are going through such emotional difficulty, he is the wronged one and is going to need lots of reassurance. If you give him that reassurance hopefully he will be able to support you in return. You've taken some massive steps to move forward. Be kind to yourself, and allow each other some breathing space too. You both have a lot going on in your heads.

i agree with pp, he says he forgives you but i dont think it will be so easy.

but i think loss of the child will hurt you more.

How is it going to work if you are already arguing all the time before you have even had the abortion? What are you arguing about? You have said you will do what he wants and he has said he will support you emotionally - so why are you arguing? Because both you and he know it is not what you want to do? So how is it going to work really?

If you genuinely are going to ignore your own feelings and wishes about keeping the pregnancy, you need to ask him to put the emotional support in place that he promised - right away. That means no arguing, counselling separately and together and kindness to each other. Quite frankly, if he cannot do that, then this reconciliation is not off to a good start.

(The point is that everyone and everything is already affected and it is not having the baby which will do it, it is already done, if that makes sense).

(The point is that everyone and everything is already affected and it is not having the baby which will do it, it is already done, if that makes sense). agree with that.

Hearing my DH crying all day in the bathroom breaks my heart. He says he can't face his life without me and the kids but he can't bring up another man's child, he just can't do it. I understand that. I've hurt him so much. I feel they'll be no winners now and I've got to go through with this abortion. My children have such a lovely life. My DH wanted to try and have a nice day for the kids, they rode on their bikes, laughing and happy. I can't take all that away from them. The consequences of being a single mum means literally no money, so no nice things, no family time, me alone. And I don't want that for my children x

Just read the thread and wanted to support you in this. It is an extremely hard decision to make, I understand that, you do have choices to make, but I don't think you are mentally strong enough to make them. I see it from your DH point of view, it would be so hard for him to raise another mans baby, especially after your devastating still birth, but can you forgive him for pushing you through an abortion, can he forgive you and truly mean that he wants the life you 'used' to have, as that life isn't ever going to be the same?. One thing I would say, at 6 weeks pregnant, this pregnancy is just cells at the moment, I know that sounds awful and I am sorry to put it like that. As for the OM, you need to cut all ties with him, whatever decision you make, as he is an evil manipuative control freak who would never be welcoming you into his home with your kids, you certainly don't want you kids around him, he is just vile!

Personally, if it was me, I would have the abortion, get mental health help and try and rebuild my life, my confidence, focus on my children and the good things in life, whether that is with DH or not, you need to focus on you

Good luck OP

Maybe I'm missing something but what I'm really struggling is why you are STILL talking to you are STILL talking to your "narcissistic" ex????

These aren't the actions of someone who is truly sorry op, not by a million miles.

This obsession with your ex boyfriend has to end, and being angry at your husband for not wanting to bring up a child that was the result of an affair - (furthermore by a man you are still engaging with) is unreasonable at best.

I am truly sorry for your stillbirth though, and I wish you peace.💐

Focusing on the needs of your two little girls is where you and your DH need to find common ground to move forward. If you are both united in that and can both make tough compromises to give both girls the best outcome (him accepting you back, you going through with the termination) and accept that the pain you both endure will save your girls more pain. But you both need a highly qualified psychotherapist (not a counsellor) to see you both though the multiple traumas you are both enduring.

Your DH also suffered deeply the loss of his baby girl when she was stillborn. He then lost his wife to deep grief and then on to an affair and pregnancy.

Both your DDs are suffering also from the grief, trauma and chaos of your lives. You have to make a v tough decision and be confident that this needs to happen to prevent more pain and chaos on your DDs.

In their little lives they have lost a sibling in horrific circumstances. They will feel that for life. At the same time they have lost both of their parents to grief and then to the pain and chaos of an affair and pregnancy and termination.

They won’t know the details obviously but they will have sensed and absorbed the deep negative emotions in the home and you both. They will have internalised it as sheer stress (cortisol and adrenaline) they little minds only know fear and uncertainty as they are confused and can’t articulate what’s happened. But they deeply feel it. Both parents are consumed and controlled by the traumas and dramas - you can only be in one emotional place at a time and when you are both emotionally preoccupied with this neither of you can be emotionally focused on your DDs. So they are emotionally neglected, emotionally abandoned and will suffer long term emotional injury that will come though as behaviours and MH issues later.

That your DDs experience to date and if you go ahead and have this baby - their fate is even worse. They will split their time between two parents, another baby is on the scene that gets to spend all of the time with their mother and their mother is hitched (and therefore so are they indirectly) to the emotional rollercoaster of an abusive man.

You are at a cross roads now with decisions to make on every level. Between the 3 adults it’s a mess - so look to the two little girls - decide what is best for them. Appreciate the damage that has happened to them to date and commit together to minimise any further hurt and to ease the burden of their futures.

This must be done positively with their needs at the front and not polluted with bitterness, resentment, pining for OM, wishful thinking and grief.

You both have a duty to get professional support to deal with the trauma and ptsd of losing your DD to ensure that your unmanaged grief does not cause any more fall out for your two little girls.

I wish you courage, clarity, strength and focus to find your way through this.

Hi OP just read the full thread and firstly I'd like to say how very sorry I am to hear about the stillbirth of your middle daughter. I can't even begin to imagine.
Something that jumped out at me in one of your recent updates was you saying that you and DH haven't had sex for nearly 2 years and that you can't bear to, do you have any insight as to why this is? Does he know you feel like this? Is he happy to stay in a sexless marriage? I read that you had sex therapy and still couldn't bear it, this is hugely concerning but obviously not the biggest issue right now but going forward presumably post abortion etc.
I honestly think whilst I know you say you want to be with your husband that there's something fundamentally missing there even before OM/ ex.
I competely agree with PP re ex, he sounds like a Grade A* bastard and no contact with him is an absolute must. There will be no happy ever after with him OP, vile man by the sounds of it.
This is a very hard situation to unpick and after reading everything up to now a few things stand out.
Whilst it's understandable for your husband to feel this way, will you ever be able to get over the fact you've had an abortion? Will resentment, hurt and grief at that eventually eat away at your marriage?
The one thing that is very clear is how much you want this baby, let's imagine that there had been no OM/ ex and you got pregnant with DH would he insist on abortion then? You said he most definitely doesn't want any more children?
I'm with @category12 in that if you really want this baby go it alone. People have done it with a lot less than having their name on two mortgages.
In any event I really think if you are able to take some breathing space from both the men in your life, even if it is just for a few days it may help you gain a bit of clarity.
I really do feel for you OP and I hope none of my words come across harshly, that was not my intention at all.

Who is supporting you right now Fuzzywuzzy and who will accompany you to the clinic (or not)?

Is it possible that it isn’t OM or DH as I think that you might well project and be traumatised and feel coerced by either. This has to be YOUR decision. You know everyone else’s wishes - but it will be your decision and actions. Have you a friend or would you DM go with you?

Thank you for all of your comments.

I went to work today and have had my hours and wages reduced due to my companies financial trouble, so I feel that's another kick in the teeth in all of this as now. There's no way I'd be able to go it alone now as I simply couldn't afford it. I feel maybe it's a sign this Definately isn't meant to be. 2020 is definitely a crap year so far.

Me and DH are talking every night about this situation. I've decided even though I do want this baby, it is best to prioritise my loving children who are here. My eldest has had a lot of unsettlement due to grief and my mental health during my subsequent pregnancy after my stillborn daughter so they need some stability and I don't want them having to split their time between us.

I do need to talk to DH about how we can get past this. I know we both want the best for our children so that's a start and are both determined once this is over to make it work. If it was DHS child he wouldn't be pushing for an abortion. He has said if I really do want another baby we can if it's really important to me. I really don't know how we'll be ok, he just says he wants to keep our family together and loves me. He's behaving completely normally ATM other than when we are talking about it. I'm not sure I do resent DH as I think if I was him I would say the same, that I couldn't support him if he kept it. I do resent om though as this is half his responsibility but never once has he considered what I might want, offered to support me (unless I have an abortion), and only ever talked about how I will be destroying his life and how selfish I am, when I'm trying to consider the impact on everyone and what is best for everyone when actually an abortion may not be best for me.

I'm no longer talking to om. Well he's no longer talking to me as 'he's sick of talking about the situation' - which he just basically says when I say o don't want an abortion, he just refuses to discuss things any further cos it's not what he wants to talk about and will only support me when I am doing what we wants aka abortion. Another way of controlling me I've realised; silent treatment unless I do what he wants. Last time I spoke to him I told him I was keeping it, I've since changed my mind but I don't want anymore contact so I've not told him yet.

Me and DH have struggled with sex for a long time. It's a separate issue which maybe I should start another thread on to get some advice on when this is over. I just don't want him to have sex with me, I've gone off him in that way. I love him, and there are so many amazing qualities in him and our marriage but I just don't want to do it with him anymore. It's that normal after 18 years??? Its probably what led to my affair but something has to change.

I don't know what to do Thursday. I'm having a general anaesthetic so I need some one with me. My DM is a waste of time, I've not even told her. DH, I don't want him to come plus he needs to get the kids from school for me as I've got to travel 2 hours away. I've told one friend and she can't come so it looks like om as I can't have it done if I go alone. I'm going to hate him as I know he'll be rubbing his hands happily rather than being there for me. But I need to hate him more. I need to try and see him as a lift and that's it x

You sound like you have a bit more clarity now. A decision one way or the other should bring a little relief.

Seriously I wouldn’t involve the OM.

It will just create so much more drama.

I wouldn’t give him the pleasure and you the pain.

You need to block him from your life.

You sound more settled OP which is great.

Thinking about someone accompanying you - do you think if OM went it might be another kick in the teeth to your DH? And I wouldn't suggest lying, even if you were confident he would never find out. Starting afresh on a lie seems a bad idea.

Talk it through with DH. If this is your decision as a couple to move forward perhaps he needs to be there. I know it won't be nice, but you may feel emotional afterwards and he has said he will support you, so perhaps leaning on him then will help you realise you can, and help him understand how much support you may need moving forward?

I really hope I'm making the right choice. I just don't want to wreck my children's lives first and foremost and want to provide them with a more stable home life than they've had so far. I don't want life to be a constant struggle for money and stressful. It's that selfish? I do have my name on 2 mortgages and I know people do it with a lot less but our second house is my pension pot and I don't want to sell our family home. I feel selfish x

You doing the right decision based on your circumstances. Life is not easy. All you can do is to take responsibility and face it, and you doing it.
Now you will have to make a plan for yourself and you husband as it won’t be easy.
Ut do it together one by one.

Another thing that really stands out is just how much your DH must love you, it's quite something given the circumstances.
How can/ will it work? By talking and keeping the lines of communication always open, by being kind and gentle with each other, by getting to know each other all over again and all of that fluffy stuff, I joke but I'm being deadly serious and make time one on one where possible. Counselling for you both, together and alone.
Time and more time and no pressure.
Re the sex, I realise why it jumped out at me as myself and DH ( together 20 yrs ) also struggled (due to me not wanting it ) in truth for about 5 years and culminated in no sex for 2/3 years, we'd drifted apart, kids, work, stress, bereavement etc and we'd stopping noticing each other, like ships in the night. This resulted in us separating for a few months, realising that we did want to be together and just doing all of the above, reconnecting, taking time together, the sex just naturally followed ( Oh and coming off the pill, I hadn't realised just how badly that affected my sex drive ). It's not uncommon for sex to dwindle the longer the relationship I don't think, but it's not 'normal' or healthy unless you've both agreed that you are happy with little or no sex.
Really wish for your sake that OM didn't have to be your transport to hospital, I honestly think it's a bad idea for a great many reasons.

I do have my name on 2 mortgages

Please tell me the other mortgage your name is on isn't with that fuckwit ex?

I still don't understand why you're still engaging with your ex boyfriend, telling him your decisions etc.

I think you're hoping by taking him with you he will tell you not to go through with it. The whole live triangle dynamic is frankly bizarre, and very disrespectful to your husband.

Personally I don't think you're being fair staying with your husband for a meal ticket, but if you must at least cut contact with the other man for good.

It's not selfish. You are taking into account all of the factors. At the moment your relationship is damaged and if it can be fixed it won't be fixed overnight. You seem to want to try and improve it or at least give it a shot, and unfortunately the decisions you face now are very time restricted. Only time will tell if you guys last forever and find happiness together again. But you certainly won't if you don't make the decision to stay and try. All of those things are a factor and there's nothing wrong with that. Sadly it's not as black and white as "is he my fairytale prince" when you're older. But if you had something good before you surely have a shot at having something good again, and I dont think there's anything wrong or selfish with taking things like finances into account. Particularly at the present time when everything is such a muddle. These things are certainties, the rest is emotional and not.

Had you both had counselling g together .? It's a horrid situation to be in.