Please help. I need some advice/support

[Fuzzywuzzy9]

Hi,

Please please can there be no bashing. I'm already doing that to myself enough. I really don't know where else to turn and I have no one to talk to.

I'm pregnant but it's not my husband's. We've been married for 10 years and together for 17 and come through some horrendous times. We have two living children and our middle daughter was still born at full term. It totally broke me and I'm still broken.

I've done something really stupid... I've been having an affair for the past 6 months with someone I used to work with. I know my husband doesn't deserve this and I've let him down badly. It ended 3 weeks ago and last week I found out I was pregnant. I contacted my ex and he doesn't want anything to do with me or the baby. He's a very selfish and unpleasant person who treated me appaulingly over the past few months and I'm glad it's over but now I'm in a terrible dilemma.

He's taking me to an abortion clinic in two weeks, he wants me to get rid of it as he doesn't want his life 'ruined'. He said if I keep the baby he won't support me and doenst want any contact, his name on the birth certificate or anything which is fine by me. I've made a terrible mistake and I've come to realise that my husband is amazing and I want to be with him and make a go of it but I don't know what to do.

I don't really want an abortion. How can I reconcile killing a life when my middles daughters was cruelly snatched away. I'll never cope with that guilt and I don't think I can live with myself. But how can I love with destroying my living children's lives by having this baby, ruining their happy lives with me and their dad. They have everything they could wish for.

I've looked at options of going it alone too but it seems it's not an option. Unfortunately I have a name on two mortgages so I can't get any housing or universal credit even though I work at minimum wage for 16 hours a week. My husband is the main bread winner and I don't want him to sell the family home and take everything from him he has worked for. I've contacted CAB and I can't get any help.

I feel totally stuck. I don't want to ruin my children's lives and my husband's but I don't want an abortion because I want this baby and I can't live with taking its life away when I already lost a baby so precious to me.

I want to tell my husband but I'm so frightened, I've hurt him so much already and caused him so much pain. My parents won't help me as the knew I had an affair and won't speak to me. All of my friends are friends with my husband. I don't know what to do.

Xx

There isn't a solution that won't cause pain, OP. You could have an abortion, but you would then have to keep it a secret for evermore afterwards. I don't get the feeling that you can pull that off without your MH breaking down completely.

I think the only thing possible is to tell your DH about the pregnancy. He knows about the affair, so it won't come completely out of the blue. It sounds as if he's prepared to forgive you, so he may not react as badly to this as you fear he will.

Obviously, he might decide he can't forgive you, but that's the price you can pay for cheating in marriage; he's under no obligation to forgive you.

Another question you have to consider is, if your DH accepts the pregnancy and then another man's child, will the child end up paying the price with your DH rejecting them? You only need to read the Stately Homes thread to know how often that happens.

Sorry, I missed your update. At least it's in the open now. Your DH needs time to process the news so you really mustn't push him.

For what it is worth, I think you have done the right thing as the weight of keeping the secret if you had an abortion without your husband knowing would have been intolerable.

I presume you are looking after the children in your own home right now. At least your husband has left to take stock and not asked you to leave. From a purely legal point of view, this is your home, your children as well as his, so do not be the one to leave.

Do you have anyone you trust who you can talk to? As Lizzie says, you should not press your husband and you need to give him time to process the news. At the same time, you also need to be sure of what you want to do, not what your ex wants, not what your husband wants.

Take care of yourself as much as that as possible and focus on your children just now

Thank you for your replies. He has come back now. He's said he wants me to have an abortion and if I don't have one then we can't stay together. How could I expect him to say anything else? I hoped he would be he can't be expected to bring up someone else's child. I told him how I don't know if I can love with myself if I have an abortion especially after what we have been through losing our daughter but he said if I want to make it work with him then it's what I'll have to do. I feel broken right now. I know I don't deserve anything from my husband but I feel more alone now than ever. My ex was supportive-ish as in he was there yday and held me hand through the whole thing but he's still adamant too that he doesn't want a baby. The counsellor I saw was really good. She said I was scared of change and feared being alone and that is true. I have such a lovely life here with my husband and I'll be losing all of that. But at least I know now that if I had the baby my husband wouldn't be there, rather than having an abortion always wondering what if...

Well done for telling your dh, that was the right thing to do. It depends if you went through with an abortion if you’d feel animosity towards him for ‘making you’ do it. Would you bring it up during arguments etc? Could you get some help with adjusting your thinking towards it being more like birth control post conception? I’d worry that by continuing with the pregnancy that you’re remaining with your nasty ex. Why was he at the appointment? Why was he holding your hand?! Whatever happens, I’m not sure you should be with your dh when you’re still behaving like that. Are you having more mental health support?

The person you refer to as your 'ex' I'm assuming you mean the man you had an affair with... It wasn't a relationship, you are married to someone else. This man used you for sex and his response to this predicament tells you everything you need to know about his intentions. It sounds to me like you have never made peace with the loss of your child and have been vulnerable as a result which he has completely taken advantage of. I know it takes two to tango but if you weren't so deeply hurt I don't think you would have engaged in this affair. Rather than searching for something that was missing, you are trying to punish yourself because you don't think you deserve to be happy. I'm not a psychologist but I think that you blame yourself for the loss of your child, or in part think there's something you could or should have done - more so than what a man would feel... it wasn't your fault. The pain of losing a child is so great, it's something you need intense professional help with and even then you will never be the same.
I don't doubt your husband tried to deal with the loss and the deterioration in your MH as best he could which isn't necessarily what was best all round but there is no prescribed way to deal with such grief.
Personally if it were me I'd have an abortion and work on putting the affair etc behind me as well as the underlying issues. Never have contact with this man again. Even if your husband can't get over it and you decide to split, the more amicable you can make things for your existing children the better.
This baby is a result of the actions of two consenting adults and it's not fair that it's future is being decided in such circumstances but as well as being pro choice I also believe in the greater good.
No one can tell you the right thing, only what they would do in your circs. Either way you can't brush this under the carpet - you have to make a decision and soon.

Only very briefly, what came to mind when I was reflecting on this after posting.

It seems to me that for your ex and your husband, the situation can be ‘undone’ by an abortion, whereas for you, that is not the case.

I also think the ‘lovely life with your husband’ needs unpicking a bit - something has gone wrong somewhere, not that it is the case of trying to apportion blame, but that ‘lovely life’ has been upset for various reasons which need a bit more unpicking. Not necessarily on here, in fact probably not on here, but with your counsellor. Both your husband and your ex have responded in ways which put their needs first, and done so very quickly.

Ultimatums, which is what they have both given you, in one way or another, generally do not work and the best thing to do is not to respond to one.

I think you need support for you to help you find a path through this which is not between two men for different reasons telling you what they think you should do.

You keep saying you want this baby. Why? Do you actually want THIS baby or does your experience with your daughter shape the way you feel? Do you want this baby as a connection with the OM in the hope he'll finally come to his senses? It's obvious you're still pining for him and hope for...something. Even after all he did you still try to romanticise him with he was supportive because he held your hand. Really? Are your standards that low? Post after post of how horrible and abusive he is and he holds your hand and that seems supportive-ish to you?

You can't make a decision because you don't know what you want. Well I'd guess you'd like to happily run off into the sunset with the OM, but he doesn't want you. So you're settling for the nice husband.

There will be no winners in this regardless of what you do until you give up and cut all ties with the OM. It's over,it's done. There's no chance,no hope of a happy ending. I think that once you are fully willing to accept that, the abortion might be easier on you as well. This is not a very much wanted and tried for baby. This is not your other daughter. This is not your second chance.

Post after post of how horrible and abusive he is and he holds your hand and that seems supportive-ish to you?

You really need to see this guy clearly. He was giving you a bit of care because you were doing what he wanted, that's all. He'll turn again as quick as lightning. You've described him in very unpleasant terms, yet seem addicted to him/obsessed.

Intermittent reinforcement is a powerful psychological tool.

Do the freedom programme as it seems to me that you're suffering emotional abuse.

PanicandRun is spot on, OP.
I understand you went through something terrible with your stillbirth, but that doesn't lessen your culpability here, I'm afraid. Your actions mean that this situation can no longer be about you, really. I don't believe 'guilt' has any place in termination anyway, but in this situation specifically, I don't think your feelings about what a termination would mean for you can take precedence (though it's obviously your body/your choice etc). I'm certainly not bothered about what your horrendous OM wants, nor, really, about your dh. Whether or not your marriage survives, I don't think it would be fair on the child, nor your existing children, to bring him/her into this absolute mess.

Are you 6 weeks as in 6+0 or 6 weeks as in 6+6? Going by the timeline you've posted, you must have got pregnant right at the end of your relationship and ovulated very early in your cycle?

Sorry you’re going through this however your husband is right xx

Thank you for your replies

@Sassanacs I've never made peace with losing my daughter, we had a full post mortem and there was no reason found for why she died. I blame myself for no noticing her movement slow down and think I should of gone to hospital sooner but instead told myself I was being paranoid. I'll always blamey myself as if I'd not been so busy then maybe I could of saved her. I've know om for a long time (he was my boss at work) and he text me straight away after she'd died and I ignored him for a long time until Feb this year. I had counselling after she died but I don't think i can be fixed. I still did this after professional help. My DH have muddled through, he is an amazing father and lovely lovely person. We get on well but haven't had sex for almost two years. I just can't being myself too with him. I've tried to go for counselling too about that and I've tried to have sex with him but I hate it.

@DecemberDays I'm scared these ultimations will make the decision for me as I feel like I can't be on my own and don't want to destroy my children's lives and their happy home.

@PanicAndRun I want this baby as it doesn't feel right making a choice to actively kill a unborn child after being destroyed losing one when I didn't make that choice. I know that might not make much sense and I know the situations are different but losing my daughter taught me how precious life is and to take one away from an innocent in this feels wrong.

I want the om he once was. Or the one he is when he's lovely. That person is getting fewer and far between recently. It's painful as I fell totally in love with him, he's very endearing and charming and makes me feel like the world but then crushes me in the next breath. @category12 I think you're right, I am obsessed. I struggle with how a grown woman can be like this, even though I am that person. I'm ashamed about the way I've begged him to want me, all the things I've done to please him (including distancing myself from my parents and hurting my mum so much) and how I've let him treat me like crap on his shoe and how I have no self respect. I'm also ashamed and confused as to how I have a husband who's so respectful and kind but yet I Chas after someone who loathes the sight of me most of the time.

@CatteStreet I'm 6.1 according to the scan I got pregnant middle of November. X

There isn't an easy answer here OP. You either go through with the pregnancy but you may loose your family and home as it currently stands. Your husband could become the main care provider for them. Or if you terminate you need to imagine how you will feel knowing what you have done, there will be constant reminders from seeing your own children to every time you see a baby it will remind you of what could have been. Either option is hard. I would suggest counselling for you as this will have an impact on your mental health. Also, if you terminate there's nothing to say your husband will stand by you, you could end up with no baby and no husband. He needs to process all of this too. Good luck OP.

Do you think deep down you blame your husband too? It was sex with him that got you pregnant. If it weren't for that you wouldn't have gone through the trauma and loss you did.

What you need to so is get help to deal with the guilt. You were not to blame,you didn't caused it and it's very unlikely that you could've prevented it in any way.

The problem with feeling like you cannot be alone is that you do potentially do not have any limits on what you will accept to avoid being alone. Theoretically speaking, there has to be some situations which you see as worse than being alone? Or put another way, how much shit are you prepared to accept to avoid being alone? Not a question you have to answer on here, but if being alone is so scary, you do open yourself up to abuse just to stay in a relationship.

Not wanting to destroy your children’s lives is a different matter but many children experience separation of their parents without being destroyed. It depends how the parents handle it and what the atmosphere at home becomes if the parents are together. The equation is never as simple as parental relationship breakdown = children’s lives destroyed. That is hyperbole.

For many, many years I was very much in love with a man I met when I was eighteen who, when I did see him, used to take me out of the everyday life and transcend everything. He became the place I escaped to in my mind even though he would never commit to a relationship. But several years laters, he did something to me which broke me which I will not go into here. It was very, very hard for me to reconcile what he did with who I wanted him to be, and it still took a long time for me to break with him finally - by which I mean years but when I did it was final, I do not believe I will ever speak to him again and I am fine with that, I would walk the other way.

For as long as you are focusing on this person, you cannot focus on you, your husband or indeed anyone else, because he is always there somewhere in your mind. Your marriage has a fault line running through it, which is nothing to do with the baby and having an abortion will not resolve.

I do not think either he, nor your husband, nor anyone on here can tell you what to do or what you should do.

It's good that you're acknowledging what's playing into all this - now what are you going to do about it? I think you need some ongoing mental health support - your guilt and grief over the stillbirth, your fixation with OM and the emotional abuse you're experiencing.

I have an abortion booked for next week
I can't stop crying all the time, but feel I have no choices anymore. O know it's my own fault. I feel broken. O don't know how o will live with myself x

Well, don't do it then.

End it with both men and rebuild a life as a lone parent.

You have your name on two mortgages - so presumably own two properties with your dh? So you should be able to work something out about housing both of you. Yes, it's sub-optimal and yes, you've been the sinner here - but that doesn't mean you have to go through with a termination you don't want.

I agree with category12
You do have choices.
You can cancel the appointment and begin the journey on your new life without either of these men step by step.
One of my favourite poems is by Mary Oliver, it is called the journey.
I know it is easier for me to say than you to do because I am already a lone parent of DC with different fathers, but it is possible (and much more peaceful).

OP you've been so brave to open up to your husband.

Please take the time to think of what will damage you more emotionally - being without your husband or terminating your pregnancy. Right now I think that's the decision you have to make. If you can see your husband supporting you through any emotional trauma that this leaves you with, and you being together forever because you want to be with him, then right decision. If you are doing it to make the here and now more pleasant but don't see a future with DH then wrong decision in my opinion. But, you have to live with you. You have to deal with the consequences. So give yourself a fighting chance. Choose the consequences you feel best placed to deal with.

Very best of luck.

Me and DH literally talk all night about the situation. I'm not going to get what I want; my life here with him and this baby. I don't want to break up my children's home. They're so happy, my DH is so kind, and has said he wants to sort things out and work towards us being happy again if I don't have the baby (what sort of man forgives this, I feel really lucky to have such a nice person especially having my eyes opened by om and how he has treated me).

DH said he'll support me emotionally to get over the abortion. I think in the long term life with a 3rd child, alone will be really hard and I think I will be unhappy and I'll have lost DH forever. I know if I stay here then I'll be devastated about the abortion but I will get over it one day x

I realise I might sound erratic. I make a decision about the abortion and am ok with it and then suddenly get all fraught and upset and can't face going through with it. Thank you for all your support. I really appreciate it.

(Om has told me I love drama and wallowing in the negative and can't look forward only downwards into the negative - god I hate him)

Hating him is good. Good luck with it all, OP. Be kind to yourself.

Is he forgiving it though, if he is asking (telling) you, who has had a stillbirth, to have an abortion? Forgiveness means letting go of negative emotions including vengeance. He is just giving you an ultimatum which is you can keep your family as it is, despite everything and as if it never happened, if and only if you have an abortion. If it is forgiveness, it is highly conditional. Don’t sugarcoat what he is doing into some kind of sainthood. I think, if you go ahead with the abortion, you will be the one who has to find forgiveness for him (and indeed, the other man who helped create this situation).