Please help. I need some advice/support

[Fuzzywuzzy9]

Hi,

Please please can there be no bashing. I'm already doing that to myself enough. I really don't know where else to turn and I have no one to talk to.

I'm pregnant but it's not my husband's. We've been married for 10 years and together for 17 and come through some horrendous times. We have two living children and our middle daughter was still born at full term. It totally broke me and I'm still broken.

I've done something really stupid... I've been having an affair for the past 6 months with someone I used to work with. I know my husband doesn't deserve this and I've let him down badly. It ended 3 weeks ago and last week I found out I was pregnant. I contacted my ex and he doesn't want anything to do with me or the baby. He's a very selfish and unpleasant person who treated me appaulingly over the past few months and I'm glad it's over but now I'm in a terrible dilemma.

He's taking me to an abortion clinic in two weeks, he wants me to get rid of it as he doesn't want his life 'ruined'. He said if I keep the baby he won't support me and doenst want any contact, his name on the birth certificate or anything which is fine by me. I've made a terrible mistake and I've come to realise that my husband is amazing and I want to be with him and make a go of it but I don't know what to do.

I don't really want an abortion. How can I reconcile killing a life when my middles daughters was cruelly snatched away. I'll never cope with that guilt and I don't think I can live with myself. But how can I love with destroying my living children's lives by having this baby, ruining their happy lives with me and their dad. They have everything they could wish for.

I've looked at options of going it alone too but it seems it's not an option. Unfortunately I have a name on two mortgages so I can't get any housing or universal credit even though I work at minimum wage for 16 hours a week. My husband is the main bread winner and I don't want him to sell the family home and take everything from him he has worked for. I've contacted CAB and I can't get any help.

I feel totally stuck. I don't want to ruin my children's lives and my husband's but I don't want an abortion because I want this baby and I can't live with taking its life away when I already lost a baby so precious to me.

I want to tell my husband but I'm so frightened, I've hurt him so much already and caused him so much pain. My parents won't help me as the knew I had an affair and won't speak to me. All of my friends are friends with my husband. I don't know what to do.

Xx

Hi @Fuzzywuzzy9
I've read your thread, and I just wanted to say hi, and to wish you the best of luck. I think you had an impossible decision to make, and you won't get any judgment from me. I truly admire your strength. I hope things work out for you and your family.

@Fuzzywuzzy9 your girls would not be better off without you. And it sounds like your DH really loves you and wants you around too. Take it one hour at a time, if you feel overwhelmed it might help to think I just need to get through this next hour. It might be worth seeing your gp and asking if medication would be helpful for you. Antidepressants can help counselling work better, they can give you the mental space you need to apply techniques learnt in therapy to help yourself, they can help make your emotions a little less immediate and give you the breathing space to get through the days.

I am so sorry to hear that times are v tough for you right now. You have been though so much so I am not surprised. Your DDs have you present and you have made enormous sacrifices for them that they will never know of. But you do and if you can see them laugh, chuckle, smile, cuddle - remember that you made that joy happen for them and you will continue to do so. Take strength from that.

Maybe try to compartmentalise if possible - so when are with the girls be emotionally available to share their joy of 5 minutes. If you feel overwhelmed - take yourself off to the loo/backgarden/bedroom for 10 minutes to weep.

But also try to fill time with distracting people and activities.

All you can do is set out to process this and make progress - there isn’t a right way, a wrong way or a timeline.

If you can get through each hour, morning, afternoon and night and each day - you will then be able look back at the end of each month and know that you feel a little less despair and try to look forward with a little more hope.

Thank you for all of your supportive comments. I really appreciate them. I feel so alone and detached from my life and those around me. Im desperately trying to be normal but it's so overwhelming I'm really struggling. I don't want to see any one. I've tried to see friends and push it all to the back of my mind but I feel so different and like I say, detached. I'm harbouring all this pain inside and it's getting too much to hide. I keep crying all the time but no one knows why. I just want to close the door on the world right now. I'm trying so hard to be normal for my kids as I don't want this affecting them anymore than it already has done. My husband has always been supportive and there for me but this time it's different as I know he's relieved about the very thing that is crippling me and it makes me feel very alone as we have always gone through things together. At times I really regret the abortion which I know I shouldn't be doing as it's given me the best chance to have my life back but now that life feels like it's gone also. I've never felt so mentally unwell even in the loss of my daughter. I just want it all to stop and I want my old life back but it feels like it's gone and I can't talk to anyone to try and help. I literally have this forum, my counsellor and my husband who doesn't really understand. I can't even describe the sadness. I never thought I'd react this way. X

Oh lovely, I am so sorry for all of this, it is heartbreaking, I can only offer a virtual hug! Please be kind to yourself, you have to give yourself the time to grieve, it isn't an overnight fix, you won't just wake up and all is right again, but over time it will get easier to bear, try to stop and focus on the great things in life, your kids, get out in the fresh air more to clear your head, then slowly it the back clouds will lift and sunshine will break through and you will slowly feel better x We are all here for you, to support you, I just wish there was more I could offer to help you x

You are not just grieving the termination. You still have unresolved grief for the loss of your baby, the loss of your marriage, the loss of your affair partner and the loss of yourself in all of that trauma upon trauma.

Sounds like you are experiencing “complex grief” and “complex ptsd”.

Is your counsellor appropriately experienced and qualified in both of these areas?

@Gutterton has expressed perfectly what was going through my mind when I read your latest update OP. You are trying to deal with not just one, but several huge issues at once. It is not surprising you are feeling the way you are. You will get through this but it’ll take time. Just take one baby step at a time and try to find a moment of joy in little things. Your husband must love you so very much or you wouldn’t still be by your side. You have beautiful DC... Is there another trusted person in RL you could open up to about everything? Someone close to you, a friend, a relative? Someone not directly involved like DH. Remember that it is a difficult situation for him too, and no, he most likely doesn’t understand everything you’re feeling, but how could he? Go easy on yourself, and go easy on him too. But I do think you need additional outside support. Have you thought about bereavement counselling? x

Oh OP, it will be so hard now, but these are the worst times. And it WILL get easier. Some days will feel even harder, but you have to get through them to get to the good times. Termination was never going to be a quick fix, it could only ever be the first step. That step was showing a massive commitment to your husband. It was his request by and large, and understandably so, but it was, it was his condition to getting your marriage back on track. He knew the difficulty you faced emotionally, so now he needs to give you a bit of time to grieve. Which I hope he is doing. And sadly you will be the only one grieving, as you were the only one who wanted your baby, so lean on counselling, look up support lines, online forums, anything with people who will listen and can help you work through it. He is dealing with his own demons too I'm sure. Then in time you will come back together and heal. That is why you have done this. It's such a cliché but time does heal and I'm sure you know that. You just need to put your faith in it and make sure you are getting the right external support to help you through it. Hour by hour, whatever it takes. You can get there.

@Fuzzywuzzy9 How are you doing? xx

Hi, thank you for messaging. I'm really up and down tbh. I thought I'd feel better by now. I feel so anxious and feel like I have this huge weight on my shoulders. I feel so distant from my husband and if I'm honest I really want to leave but I feel like I can't now as otherwise I had an abortion in vain. I feel really distant from him. I just don't want to be around him ATM. I'm not sure if we should just call it a day now which makes me so sad but I'm so anxious and feel like I'm being suffocated by all the emotions I feel x

Hi @Fuzzywuzzy9, it’s good to hear from you and I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad. It really isn’t surprising after everything that’s happened, and I really feel that you might be depressed - which again wouldn’t be surprising as a reaction to it all. You are clearly grieving, for the baby as well as for your marriage and also OM. It is only natural! I also think that you feel especially distant from DH because of how you are feeling in yourself, then the added guilt and possibly anger at him for forcing your hand with the abortion.
I’m not sure if you take anything for your mental health? If not, I would really urge you to contact your GP and/or MH Team. Antidepressants won’t fix anything, but they do help you to cope a little bit better and - as a PP said - are useful as an adjunct to counselling. In fact, many counsellors, especially if they are MH professionals, will not consider counselling of patients unless and until they are a little more settled on meds. If you are on anything and feel it hasn’t made a difference, there are still options like an increase of dose or one of the many other ADs and/or anxiolytics. Please ask for help, this really is too much for you to shoulder by yourself.
Please also refrain from making any decisions about your marriage until you feel stronger. It is very very early days and any improvement will come in tiny little steps. But every little step forward is better than where you are now - just be kind and patient with yourself!
Do come back here to talk if it helps, or feel free to PM me. I am more than willing to ‘listen’ and maybe offer some encouragement. Although your circumstances are quite unique, I can very much relate to the struggle with anxiety and depression, and also how it affects your relationships and vice versa. Hugs and for you! x

@Fuzzywuzzy9 Been thinking about you. How are you? x

@SoTiredTonight thank you so much for messaging. I'm an absolute mess. It's all got so much worse. I finally ended it with OM and blocked him. The pain of losing that relationship on top of the grief of the abortion felt and still does feel overwhelming. Things with my husband are a mess. He's not sure if he can be with me anymore. I wrote them all suicide notes but couldn't even go through with that. I've got a psychology appointment on Wednesday. I'm a vile human who ruins other people's lives. I just hate myself x

We all make mistakes. The OM was awful, no loss. Are you on medication? If not, please go onto them if possible- they're evidence based. If you're on meds then please go back to your GP/consultant and tell them you're still struggling, so they can try something else. There are dozens of meds they can try, or perhaps a different dose.

Have a good appointment. xxx

@fuzzywuzzy9 Thank you for replying. I’m so sorry things are so desperate for you. Please never ever think that you are ruining your daughters lives and that they’d be better off without you. It just isn’t true and you acting on any suicidal thoughts would be devastating for them. They need their mum!
I am glad you have an appointment for this week, hopefully it’ll be a first step towards healing. Is your husband talking to you or a professional about where he is at? You probably both need some help to move forward as a couple.
Do you have any support from family or close friends? I am worried about you having to deal with all that pain alone. Please be kind to yourself. It will get better but it will take time!
You’ve done the right thing about OM, you only loved who you thought he was, or who you wanted him to be, but in reality he has been manipulative and cruel. I really wish you all the best, just take an hour at a time and with professional help you will get through this, I promise! xx

Cross posted with @NoMoreDickheads whose advice is spot on!