Please help. I need some advice/support

[Fuzzywuzzy9]

Hi,

Please please can there be no bashing. I'm already doing that to myself enough. I really don't know where else to turn and I have no one to talk to.

I'm pregnant but it's not my husband's. We've been married for 10 years and together for 17 and come through some horrendous times. We have two living children and our middle daughter was still born at full term. It totally broke me and I'm still broken.

I've done something really stupid... I've been having an affair for the past 6 months with someone I used to work with. I know my husband doesn't deserve this and I've let him down badly. It ended 3 weeks ago and last week I found out I was pregnant. I contacted my ex and he doesn't want anything to do with me or the baby. He's a very selfish and unpleasant person who treated me appaulingly over the past few months and I'm glad it's over but now I'm in a terrible dilemma.

He's taking me to an abortion clinic in two weeks, he wants me to get rid of it as he doesn't want his life 'ruined'. He said if I keep the baby he won't support me and doenst want any contact, his name on the birth certificate or anything which is fine by me. I've made a terrible mistake and I've come to realise that my husband is amazing and I want to be with him and make a go of it but I don't know what to do.

I don't really want an abortion. How can I reconcile killing a life when my middles daughters was cruelly snatched away. I'll never cope with that guilt and I don't think I can live with myself. But how can I love with destroying my living children's lives by having this baby, ruining their happy lives with me and their dad. They have everything they could wish for.

I've looked at options of going it alone too but it seems it's not an option. Unfortunately I have a name on two mortgages so I can't get any housing or universal credit even though I work at minimum wage for 16 hours a week. My husband is the main bread winner and I don't want him to sell the family home and take everything from him he has worked for. I've contacted CAB and I can't get any help.

I feel totally stuck. I don't want to ruin my children's lives and my husband's but I don't want an abortion because I want this baby and I can't live with taking its life away when I already lost a baby so precious to me.

I want to tell my husband but I'm so frightened, I've hurt him so much already and caused him so much pain. My parents won't help me as the knew I had an affair and won't speak to me. All of my friends are friends with my husband. I don't know what to do.

Xx

I agree that it would be very cruel to expect your husband to act like an interested dad to this pregnancy and baby. The best you can hope for the baby to be tolerated.
I suspect though that this would indeed be the final nail in the coffin and you’d end up a single mum with three kids you apparently can not afford.

The baby’s father...is he married as well?

I agree with op that you have been enormously selfish. In my mind you have two logical options:

1. End relationship with husband. Claim from ex affair guy. Be a single mum.

1. End pregnancy. Forget affair guy. Focus on rebuilding your marriage.

I doubt very much you can have:
Forget affair guy. Have baby. Work on marriage. Be a happy family. I know if my husband cheated on me and had a baby, I’d never accept it. My only option would be to leave.

Also op, at risk of sounding a bit harsh, you mention your mental health quite a bit, but don’t seem to be considering the mental health of those around you. I suspect that you’ve been a bit self absorbed and it’s probably time for you to face what you’ve done and make a proper final decision.

this

end up a single mum with three kids you apparently can not afford.

Which unfortunately will happen if you decide to keep this baby (imho).

I do sympathise so I don't want to sound harsh when I say it sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it.

You have to get beyond that and decide if you want the baby or your original family the most. Bearing in mind it is possible your husband would agree to raise the new child with you if he knew.

I'd go on a long walk on my own and do some tuning into my feelings.

A child is so precious personally I wouldn't terminate. Yes your other children would probably be traumatised by marriage break up but they'd also get the precious gift of another sibling, don't forget. And I would not want to take the risk of husband eventually taking you back but this baby is gone then.

Om would have to pay up as a parent.

Personally in your position I would have an abortion.

But, obviously, everyone is different and has different approaches to things and views.

I think in your shoes, by the things you say, an abortion will cause you significant emotional distress. I think you run the risk then of your DH finding out and you ultimately then dealing with both of your worst case scenarios - you have had an abortion AND broken your marriage irreparably. And I suspect that would break you more.

Sadly, there is no way out of this without emotional turmoil and distress. But if you tell your husband, at least, when you are struggling in the difficult times, you can tell yourself that you were honest. That, in the circumstances, you did the right thing by your husband. I think that will bring you more comfort than the fallout of a termination, whether or not he finds out.

Plenty of PPs have given good advice and only you can make your final decision so I won't add anything there.

But, have you had any therapy? Not for this particular decision, bit in general? Your severe depression, your mental health, losing your little one (I'm so sorry).... Your children, and YOU, deserve some peace of mind and I think some deep long-term therapy would probably have prevented you having this affair in the first place. You need to think a little more sustainably and long-term as to how you got into a 6-month affair with an apparent narcissist when you already have an amazing husband and lovely children....

I'm very sorry for the situation you're in. Although I hate infidelity, I can understand the hurt you're in that might have led you to self-destruct, and your current dilemma is just unthinkable. I'm sorry you're having to face this. However, you need to take responsibility for that hurt and make sure you don't self-destruct again, because when you do that, you're also hurting other people, so even once you've made this decision, you need to think about getting healthy long-term and healing your demons, so that you can be happy, and at peace, and as a result be a good mum (and hopefully wife).

Good luck with your decision

Is it really fair of you to expect your DH to help parent a child that’s the result of your infidelity? The child would be a constant reminder of your affair.

Also expecting him to deal with many months of angst that you’ll have, especially when he’s already stated he wants no more kids.

If you decide to continue the pregnancy would it be kinder to walk away?

OP, to be honest you sound very self absorbed yourself (avoiding the N word so beloved on here). Not a word about the effect this baby would have on your husband or existing family, only on whom would support you and your ‘MH’. More and more, mental health (self diagnosed) is used as a get out of jail free card for appalling behaviour.

Suddenly you ‘love’ your husband but, only a few posts prior, mention how your ex would not support you through the pregnancy. What if he had? Would you have left your husband or just carried on pretending and passed the child off as your husband’s?!

As for advice, a quiet solo abortion and taking the secret to your grave would be best for all. And get therapy to deal with your ‘MH’.

Whether you get an abortion or not please think of your poor husband who has stayed with you after you've cheated. I assume part of his agreeing to stay will have been a promise from you that you wouldn't go behind his back or lie/ cheat again. With that in mind how would he feel if finds out you kept this from him? If you really want to make it work with your husband do not keep this from him! The dishonesty and disrespect is one of new most hurtful parts of being cheated on and he deserves for you to change your ways if you're gonna make it work! He deserves your total honesty. If you abort and don't tell him and keep him that's just showing you haven't seen the error of your ways at all and are being quite selfish, you will have tricked your husband in to staying to support you without him knowing all the facts, is that what you want the rest of your life to be based on?
If you do have a mental illness and rely on your husband there's no way you'll have the strength to keep such a secret for the rest of your life.

OP, I think it's time to lay out the cold, hard facts and think about what's best for the children you have and the child you may have.

You've gone through one of the worst experiences losing a child. I can't imagine that pain. You've also acted in an incredibly selfish way having an affair.

Some practical questions to ask yourself:

Can you cope being a single Mum to your children and raise a baby?

How will this impact your children? This has to be your priorty.

What have you done (or will you do) about your mental health? It sounds like you need long term counselling or some kind of support.

It's down to you to take charge of your actions and decide what to do. It's not going to be easy taking any path, but you've got to stop looking to others (OM, DH) to "save" you.

I know you don't want a termination but it seems like the only option to try to keep your family together and that also seems like a priority for you.
You're going to suffer mentally whatever you do. If you end up getting divorced and losing your job and home so that you can have this baby you will suffer. And your children will suffer.
If you keep the pregnancy and your husband tries to support you he is likely to be resentful and angry and your mental health will suffer, as well as your marriage.
If you terminate without telling him you are likely to suffer due to guilt but your family has a chance of survival.

If you tell him and he offers to support you through a termination is that likely?

Op. Very few men are going to accept another mans child, at least when you got pregnant during your marriage.

If you keep it, then you need to work on the basis of separating from your husband and working out a way forward

An the other man will be paying maintenance so if he is married or have a partner then there will be all of that fallout to weather as well

Good luck

Hi OP

Some things to think about

Are you sure you want to stag with your husband anyway? You sound like you actually want the other man to step up eg keep saying he wont support you...if you truly wanted just your husband, wouldn't this be a positive?

The father of the new baby would be legally required to financially support the baby surely? Does he work? Is he an employee? Have you factored this into your decision?

I am sorry you are going to have to tell your husband either way. Do you think you will be able to hide the effects of an abortion from him? I'm talking the mental effects as it's clearly going to be quite hard for you.

If you had the baby, how do you think your existing children would feel about the new baby when they eventually realise this is why their parents broke up?

oh lord OP what a difficult situation, there is no 'good' solution here. First all I am sorry for the loss of your middle child, that must have been unimaginably hard.

As PP have said, you need to think about whether you do really want to stay with your husband or not because it comes across that if the OM had said he was up for it, you'd have left your husband for him. Are you staying with DH because the alternative is just too hard?

If you want to stay with your DH Id have a termination. If you cant face a termination then you have no option but to confess what has happened.

You really need to sit down with someone and unpack all of this - theres great advice and thoughts on here as always but there's no substitute for going through it all in a room with someone

Good luck

You will have to make a very hard decision here. Its either abortion or tell your H. You've said you cannot even consider the first option due to the loss of your child, which is completely understandable and I'm so very sorry for your loss.
I dont mean to be harsh but the facts are- you made the choice to have an affair and now you are reaping the consequences. Unfortunately, you are going to have to suck it up and tell him. Again, I am not saying this to rub salt into the wound but you did not consider your husbands feelings whilst having the affair yet now you say you dont want to hurt him? Hurt is unavoidable in these kinds of scenarios I'm afraid. Thats why affairs can be so devastating. If it were me, I would tell him and let the cards fall where they may. It will easier to get the truth out now and cope with the inevitable fall out than have it come out later on down the line because you will always be living on eggshells wondering if and when it will come out. Do it now. Rip the plaster off and take a breath of relief. It will be very hard for a while but if you can stay strong you'll cone through this, no matter what the change in circumstances this might cause.

Is the baby 100% the man the the affair with or is there a chance it could be your husband's ?

Thank you for all of your replies.

Mental health isnt being used as a get out clause in this situation. I have significant trauma and PTSD from giving birth to a full term still born child @larrygrylls.

I know I've been incredibly selfish and I have no excuse for my behaviour. Despite my actions I care deeply for my husband. He doesn't deserve this, and he certainly deserves a better wife than me.

I know I probably need to accept I have to have an abortion. It's just so hard to reconcile that decision in my mind as a child is such a gift and since losing my daughter it has made me realise how precious life is and each children is a miracle. Choosing to kill one when I lost one so precious and wanted crushes me.

I know I need to prioritize my living children but I worry actively making the decision to kill a baby will destroy me and I won't we able to parent them properly anyway. I'm trying to way up the lesser of both evils. They'll be no happy ending regardless.

I can't expect my husband to bring up the child as it'll be a constant reminder of my betrayal and it's unfair especially when OM won't support me at all why should my husband?

I can't afford 3 kids alone, I can't get any help financially through houses or universal credit as I have assets in property and I don't want to take half of what my husband has worked for.

A termination is the only option but I don't know how I'll cope with it. I've had lots of mental health support since losing my daughter and am still having counselling fortnightly. Unfortunately I need to made a decision before my next session after new year as longer the pregnancy goes on the worse it'll be x

Have you considered that you will struggle to hide potential trauma of terminating this pregnancy from your husband? You clearly feel very strongly against termination as a personal choice, and my concern from what you write is that you sill struggle to hide that emotional fallout from him. Then he may find out anyway, and that betrayal will be even worse to him, leaving him with only one option as (and I don't mean this unkindly but it's the facts) you have covered one deception with another and another. If he were then to separate from you, your family is then split up, you're in that financially difficult place, and you terminated a child that it sounds like you want. I fear that would be harder to deal with.

I presume at some point separation from your husband was on the cards when he found out about the affair? Or at least discussed? Were any financial discussions had then?

I think for you, dealing with the emotional and financial fall out of the bad decisions of an affair and subsequent pregnancy will be far easier to deal with than those from a termination. I appreciate I don't know you, but from all you've said and what you've been through before, do you believe you could keep it inside?

Is telling him you are pregnant but planning a termination an option? It will hurt him, but you arent saying you have cheated again, it is the consequences of what he already knows about? Then at least you will be able to be emotionally open about it? It may still be too much for him, but covering lies with more lies just seems like you are ultimately going to face a far worse reality one day.

No good can come of having the baby. It's doubtful it'd provide the soothing and closure you need. It'd forever tie you to the twat of an ex and blow apart your family life. Can you really not confide in your DM?

I'm sorry if this sounds callous.

But I think for the sake of your two existing children this is a pretty easy decision.

Your mental health would suffer just as badly with what you'd put your kids and husband through should you keep the pregnancy.

One thing to think about - if you continue with the pregnancy, what if your husband divorces you and takes your current kids with him? The courts might look more favorably on him as the custodial parent. Could you live with losing your husband, your living children, while raising another child alone and in poverty?

I haven't seen anywhere or anyone mentioning adoption. I know it's not a best idea. But you won't kill the baby and he/she might have a happy home. I know it's not an answer you are looking for but it's an option.

Thank you for your replies. I keep making my mind up that I'm going to have an abortion and work on my marriage, I love my husband but I just don't think in the right way anymore. We are just best friends. But we have two beautiful children together and I don't want to hurt any of them. My ex doesn't want me if I have the baby and tbh I don't think I can be with someone who puts that ultimation on someone; have the baby and I want nothing to do with you, have an abortion and I want you to move in. He blames me entirely for getting pregnant and won't support me.

I really want to tell my husband and have taken on board all the advice and comments suggesting I tell him and see what happens. I'm worried he'll be so hurt that our marriage will be beyond repair if I do. I can't expect him to parent someone else's children especially as he's so adamant he doesn't want another child of his own due my last pregnancy being so stressful. I'm scared of being a single mum to three kids too. What of my children resent me for being selfish and having the baby. What if I have another stillbirth?

There so many what ifs. I'm terrified I won't cope with an abortion as it's not what I want. Im doing it for everyone else. But I do want this baby x

I know I don't deserve any sympathy or anything but I really need to talk to someone right now. I saw my ex this morning. I needed to talk to him about the situation, he went mental at me. Properly shouting. Accusing me of getting pregnant on purpose. Saying he wants nothing to do with me, saying I'm blaming him and manipulating him because I said if I have the baby what will I say to it when it asks who it's dad is, what shall I say? He said he doesn't want to be in this situation and doesn't want a child that'll ruin his and his son's life, he'll have to sell his house to support me and end up in a bedsit and I'm totally selfish for wanting to have this child. And I do what I want not considering him and his wants and that I'll ruin his son's life let alone my own children.

I trying so hard to weigh up what to do, consider the consequences for everyone and every single possible eventuality. I tried to explain to him that I don't want to be in this situation at all, and I don't want to have to make this choice. He said he wants to continue our relationship and me and my children move in with him if I have an abortion but if not he wants nothing to do with me and his own child.

I feel railroaded and unsupported. I have no one to talk to other than him. I'm scared to tell anyone in real life as I know how I'll be judged. I've made a massive mistake and the only person who knows hates me

This isn't just my fault. He knew the situation and now I'm pregnant and feel so alone. I just want to disappear. It's Xmas Eve. I should be happy and enjoying my children. Instead I wish I wasnt here