Please help. I need some advice/support

[Fuzzywuzzy9]

Hi,

Please please can there be no bashing. I'm already doing that to myself enough. I really don't know where else to turn and I have no one to talk to.

I'm pregnant but it's not my husband's. We've been married for 10 years and together for 17 and come through some horrendous times. We have two living children and our middle daughter was still born at full term. It totally broke me and I'm still broken.

I've done something really stupid... I've been having an affair for the past 6 months with someone I used to work with. I know my husband doesn't deserve this and I've let him down badly. It ended 3 weeks ago and last week I found out I was pregnant. I contacted my ex and he doesn't want anything to do with me or the baby. He's a very selfish and unpleasant person who treated me appaulingly over the past few months and I'm glad it's over but now I'm in a terrible dilemma.

He's taking me to an abortion clinic in two weeks, he wants me to get rid of it as he doesn't want his life 'ruined'. He said if I keep the baby he won't support me and doenst want any contact, his name on the birth certificate or anything which is fine by me. I've made a terrible mistake and I've come to realise that my husband is amazing and I want to be with him and make a go of it but I don't know what to do.

I don't really want an abortion. How can I reconcile killing a life when my middles daughters was cruelly snatched away. I'll never cope with that guilt and I don't think I can live with myself. But how can I love with destroying my living children's lives by having this baby, ruining their happy lives with me and their dad. They have everything they could wish for.

I've looked at options of going it alone too but it seems it's not an option. Unfortunately I have a name on two mortgages so I can't get any housing or universal credit even though I work at minimum wage for 16 hours a week. My husband is the main bread winner and I don't want him to sell the family home and take everything from him he has worked for. I've contacted CAB and I can't get any help.

I feel totally stuck. I don't want to ruin my children's lives and my husband's but I don't want an abortion because I want this baby and I can't live with taking its life away when I already lost a baby so precious to me.

I want to tell my husband but I'm so frightened, I've hurt him so much already and caused him so much pain. My parents won't help me as the knew I had an affair and won't speak to me. All of my friends are friends with my husband. I don't know what to do.

Xx

Thank for you your messages.

I feel broken today. I can't stop crying. The enormity of tomorrow feels overwhelming. I don't want an abortion but I can't just do what I want, it'll be too detrimental for my living children and it's them I have to put first and ultimately my family. Ill lose everything having this baby and the life I'll be bringing into will be one of poverty on both sides. Although I have my name on two mortgages one is interest only so no equity there and there's no much equity when splitting the family home. It'll leave my husband bankrupt pretty much having to pay me spousal maintenance (I gave up my career when I had kids), maintence for the kids and having to give me half his pension. Plus hardly seeing the kids. That not fair on him. He doesn't deserve that, me to take everything. I did this, I ruined our marriage, I can't take everything else from him too. Plus what about my existing children, having this baby will cause them have there family split up, they'll have to leave miles away from their friends and school (I couldn't afford the rent in the city we live in as it's ridiculous), they'll hardly see their dad, they won't have nice things as neither me of their dad will afford to provide them. All because I wanted this baby. It's not fair on anyone. Also my quality of life would be bad; no money, I'd have to leave my job (I've just had my pay and hours drastically reduced anyway) so I couldn't afford child care, I'd lose my friends (most of my girlfriend's are couple friends of ours and who is going to side with me?), I'd see my existing children less and I'd be tied to my abusive ex forever. And one of the most important factors, even though I've treated him appaulingly and he no way deserves that, I'd lose my husband. Through everything he's supported me and he wants to work this out. We need to try for otherwise everything we have been through together has been in vain. We have up to now best we could provided a stable upbringing for our children and they deserve that too. I can't let them all suffer just because I've something I want. I've been selfish enough already.

I'm not asking for sympathy, I just need to get these reasons written down to clear my head and to explain this isn't a decision I've come to lightly. I don't want an abortion but this isn't all about what I want. I've been selfish enough already. I know a few people have said I've been given two ultimatums; one by my ex, which deem unfair but he's shown his real colours and I've truly seen who he is if I hadn't before. But my husband, he's entitled to say he doesn't want to bring up another man's child and then leave me to decide. They fact he hasn't kicked me out and said he wants to try is more than I deserve. The fact he's said if I really want another baby when he was so adamant before due to our stillbirth is testiment to how much he loves me. And for that I'm so lucky. Om treated me so badly, I'd tell you some if I didn't think people would bash me for continuing to have the affair, but he manipulates and controls and he is hard to get away from with your mental health intact. I'm not a strong person and finishing with him and being crushed mentally in the process of finishing it is really difficult when you get continual abuse and blame. I don't want to be tied to that for the rest of my life. And he would be part of it and ill never have control over the day he changes his mind and wants access to his child thus bring more pain into my life and my children seeing mummy crying all of the time too.

@KTJean there's nothing worng with being a single mum, i hope if you read this you'll understand why I've made the choice I have but it entirely isn't a fear of being a single mum. I just want to do the best for my family xx

I also forgot to add, if I did have this baby it wouldn't be all negative as I'd have a beautiful baby at the end (but o know stillbirth is also a real possiblity which terrifies me too and going through another pregnancy without the support of a partner would be incredibly hard for me). I'd also be giving my children a sibling. But what life can I provide on £400 wages a month when I can't get universal credit or any housing help (I've looked into it and I can't until I've depleted everything I would get from the house sales) and like I say I don't want to take everything from my husband. If I did, I know financially things would be better for me than £400 a month but it's not fair on him. But what would I say to my children when they're older; mummy ruined our family by having your brother/sister? And to that child when my husband picks up his children; "sorry darling your daddy doesn't want you" as om has disowned it like he says he's going too. What sort of life is that for children x

Hey OP, have you broken it off with the awful OM? I personally think you are making the right decision for all the reasoning above but I also don't think you are mentally strong enough to go through with a pregnancy and the constant worry you would have about everything. Please dont go to the appointment with the OM, I would honestly ask your DH to take you as he sounds so supportive even after everything, if you went with OM and DH found out that would crush him when he has offered the support you need.

At the end of the day you have to do what is best for you and for your children, I would put my children before anything and everything, if I was in your position I would be going on my own tomorrow or asking my DH to come with me, stop all contact with that awful OM and try and pick yourself back up after you have grieved and focus on your family x

Good luck x

OP you ARE a strong person, and you WILL get through this, believing you're not is a self fulfilling prophecy. You have shown strength in the decision you have made now, for your DH and your children and for your future together.
Often the best choice is the hardest of all and for what it's worth I think you are making the best decision given the circumstances.
Your DH has basically offered you a lifeline in the consideration of more children and a future together. That right there, that's love.
It's going to be hard as you well know, but trust your DH and ask for his help, he's offering you almost unconditional support, take it.
Get outside support, this is a must for both of you and bit by bit you can work through it all and if in the end it doesn't work out at least you can say you fought tooth and nail for it. You mentioned in a previous post that your DH 'just wants to go back to how things were' I don't think that you can, but you can build something new, different and better, be hopeful of that.
Easy for me to say I know.
And the OM he's in the past now, cease all contact and block him, there can't even be the slightest hint of him in your life from now on.
You have to try and forgive yourself OP.

Would you consider doing the freedom programme soon? If om is what you suggest he is, you need some support with the aftermath.

You also really need to stop factoring him into anything. If the answer to any question, has "I need to speak to om about that" then it's the incorrect answer and you need to rethink.

OP you really need to get expert support to process your grief to ease your MH. Have you approached Cruse? There is no time limit following a bereavement as to when you can start counselling. Also they know that different types of bereavement require different types of support. There is lots of online information and chat forums (even the bereavement section on MH) which could help you deal with the trauma. Until you do this you will just go limping from one catastrophe to the next - and all that time your DDs are being emotionally neglected and injured. I was brought up in a home with unresolved grief and MH issues - ALL of my siblings have significant MH, emotional issues and/or addictions. No idea where we would all be now if our DM had another baby and we only spent 50% of our time with her.

I doubt you would have had this affair if you had made progress emotionally. It looks like you were v vulnerable and your MH has deteriorated further with an abusive RS on top of your unresolved grief.

I would do some research on the impact of family trauma and parental MH on infants and children. Your DDs have had enough exposure already and you and your DH now need to be looking at damage limitation for them emotionally and employing reparative strategies.

You are barking up the wrong tree when you focus on money and “nice things” for your DDs as the reason to end the pregnancy and stay with your DH.

The “nice things” that your DDs NEED are emotionally available, attuned parents - who treat each other with kindness and respect and create a calm and peaceful home. It doesn’t matter if there were living in a caravan or a mansion - their emotional integrity is your greatest gift. They need you not to be preoccupied with OM, an unplanned pregnancy, a termination, grief.

I really hope that you can access some specific psychotherapy for grieving a child. All of your lives will turn around if you do - even if you choose to move on from your DH in a years time - you will do so with clarity, resilience, strength and the ability to support your DDs as best you can.

Your emotional state currently puts you all in plane crash with you in the cockpit. You need support to land this one safely.

I've been seeing a counsellor for a couple of weeks and seeing her next week. I've just got to make sure I try and focus on my children and be grateful them and for the life I have.

Re previous questions on om, he treated me appaulingly just before I found out I was pregnant, having a row with me as he said I'd antagonised him by saying how o felt about something he had done. I'd decided then it was over and I had had enough and was going to make a go of it with my husband. It was after this I found out I was pregnant. I told om, he went mental saying it was my fault, I was responsible, and I would be selfish having the baby as he would have no money, I'd ruin his life and he wouldn't be able to see his son as much as he couldn't afford to because of the decision Id made to keep the baby. I've had to block all of that out so he hasn't been able to cloud my decision to have an abortion and just try and focus on what is best for me and my family not him x

I hope that the counselling helps

How are you today op?

I just wanted to send hugs OP and say how sorry I am that things have turned out like this x

Thank you @Princessfaffalot and @Kit19 for asking I had an abortion today. I'm really sad, I hope I can rebuild myself and my life from this.x.

I’m so sorry for your loss, no matter the circumstances an abortion is always difficult. You can rebuild from this, just please please cut the om from your life. He adds nothing to it yet takes away not only from your life but your husband and children’s lives too. I can’t tell you if you made the right decision to abort, your husband may not be able to forgive and forget and you may have to face being a single parent. Or he might be able to move on and this will be a very harsh life lesson. Just know that the om is toxic. Do not let him back in your life. Block him on EVERYTHING. No matter how hard that might be. Don’t let all this pain be for nothing.

So sorry OP, you will rebuild your life, it may feel like darkness right now but you will get to wherever you need to be

Take it easy fuzzy I am sure that in a few weeks that you will be able to reconcile that you took a tough decision for your DDs.

I do hope that you get good expert support to manage your grief xx

For what it's worth OP it really sounds to me like you made the right decision for you. Your own precious children, and your own life and mental health, are worth prioritizing and I think it was pretty clear that this was the right choice. Huge hopes for you rebuilding your happy family life, and for your relationship with your DH. Keep away from ex.

Thank you for your kind words and thank you to everyone who took the time to give me advice, who didn't judge me and who supported me. There are some really kind people out there. Thank you x

Oh fuzzy, you are human and we all make mistakes. Nobody’s marriage is perfect and now you must try to rebuild on what you have if you really want to, be kind to yourself, I personally would have made the same decision if i had been in your shoes regarding the abortion, but I’m sorry your going through this regardless xx

@Fuzzy Just wanted to say how sorry I am that you’re having to go through this, and of course most of all for your loss. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. Things are never black and white, I have learnt that over the years. I hope you can heal, rebuild your marriage and find happiness again. I really do wish you all the best.

I understand your pain, please take your time to heal and mourn you baby. Its ok to cry and its ok to feel sad and the pain.. you need time to heal and slowly find yourself again.. be kind to yourself.. sending you lots if huggs ❤️

@Fuzzywuzzy9

I also think you made the right decision, but as Brig says above, you need to allow yourself time to mourn. I think a lot of us are mourning with you. I hope everything works out well for you and your family in the future.

How are you coping fuzzy?

Thank you for messaging @gutterton. I'm not doing great really. I'm trying so hard to hold myself together in front of my kids and slot back into 'life'. It's hard because no one knows so I'm having to pretend I'm ok but I'm doing a bit of a rubbish job at that too.

I feel so guilty for everything; the abortion, my marriage is ruined, I'm being a terrible mother and my mental health is in a bad place. I've started seeing a counsellor but it's only for an hour a week. The rest of the time in crumbling inside. I just feel so sad. I've ruined everything I had and I feel so alone. I've been in such a bad place, thinking everyone is better off without me around. It destroy everything I touch. X

Go easy on yourself. You were in an impossible situation and you did what was best for your kids. People make mistakes and make difficult decisions, you need to forgive yourself. Your children need and want you and so does your husband as he is forgiving you. You are worthy, you life is important to the people around you. Take care of yourself, this difficult stage in your life will pass and there will be happier fulfilling times in the future. Don't give up. Keep fighting for yourself and your family. Xx

Hello @Fuzzywuzzy9, it is so good to hear from you. Please don’t be so hard on yourself, I know that’s easier said than done. Must importantly do not think for one moment that anyone, least of all your kids, would be better off without you. It’s a lie. And you must not believe it!
If you feel that you are having any kind of suicidal ideation, please contact someone, even anonymously. Do not keep those thoughts to yourself. Samaritans and Mind - for example, there are others, have helplines and they might be a good route for you to consider right now. That’s if you feel you really cannot speak to anyone in RL about everything. Seeing the counsellor is great, but it will take time to work through everything and for all the bad feelings to subside. But they will.
You say it’s ‘only’ an hour a week, but quite honestly, it would probably be overwhelming to have more sessions on a regular basis. Although you could check with your counsellor whether you might be able to call on them when you desperately need extra support. I know that is a possibility with some therapists.
Do hang in there, you’ve been having to deal with the most horrendous situation and it will take time to process it all. But it will get better!
May I ask how things are with DH? And are you getting any help for MH, antidepressants for example? Sending you love and a warm hug! x

Hi OP, I echo what others say. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. Allow yourself time to work through things. I know for me, having to pretend I'm ok in front of friends etc would be a good thing as it would help prevent me from slumping completely. Have you got a friend who always makes you laugh? Or who you just enjoy talking inane rubbish with? If you have, make plans to see them for an hour or something, have a bit of normality, allow yourself to laugh. If they don't know anything you will be forced to act "normal" and with that might come some relief from just being old you, being in touch with how you felt before all this.

Just a thought and it might not work for you, but it would for me. You need a bit of escapism from your thoughts at times, whilst you need to work through them and the emotions, constantly being confronted with them is very unhealthy. Get some normality, or if you can't face friends, can you get out for a walk or run, cycle etc? Exercise is so good for mental health, and you don't need to be sweating buckets. In my most difficult times I've found that whilst out walking or running, somehow my mind lets itself drift, even away from the big stuff. Which is a relief. Good luck.