Please help. I need some advice/support

[Fuzzywuzzy9]

Hi,

Please please can there be no bashing. I'm already doing that to myself enough. I really don't know where else to turn and I have no one to talk to.

I'm pregnant but it's not my husband's. We've been married for 10 years and together for 17 and come through some horrendous times. We have two living children and our middle daughter was still born at full term. It totally broke me and I'm still broken.

I've done something really stupid... I've been having an affair for the past 6 months with someone I used to work with. I know my husband doesn't deserve this and I've let him down badly. It ended 3 weeks ago and last week I found out I was pregnant. I contacted my ex and he doesn't want anything to do with me or the baby. He's a very selfish and unpleasant person who treated me appaulingly over the past few months and I'm glad it's over but now I'm in a terrible dilemma.

He's taking me to an abortion clinic in two weeks, he wants me to get rid of it as he doesn't want his life 'ruined'. He said if I keep the baby he won't support me and doenst want any contact, his name on the birth certificate or anything which is fine by me. I've made a terrible mistake and I've come to realise that my husband is amazing and I want to be with him and make a go of it but I don't know what to do.

I don't really want an abortion. How can I reconcile killing a life when my middles daughters was cruelly snatched away. I'll never cope with that guilt and I don't think I can live with myself. But how can I love with destroying my living children's lives by having this baby, ruining their happy lives with me and their dad. They have everything they could wish for.

I've looked at options of going it alone too but it seems it's not an option. Unfortunately I have a name on two mortgages so I can't get any housing or universal credit even though I work at minimum wage for 16 hours a week. My husband is the main bread winner and I don't want him to sell the family home and take everything from him he has worked for. I've contacted CAB and I can't get any help.

I feel totally stuck. I don't want to ruin my children's lives and my husband's but I don't want an abortion because I want this baby and I can't live with taking its life away when I already lost a baby so precious to me.

I want to tell my husband but I'm so frightened, I've hurt him so much already and caused him so much pain. My parents won't help me as the knew I had an affair and won't speak to me. All of my friends are friends with my husband. I don't know what to do.

Xx

i need to speak plainly - I really feel for you but wonder if you will be able to live with your husband long term having been pressurised into an abortion? For any woman that is traumatic, and resentment will be harboured, how could it not be? But for you given your previous loss it will be harder. I find it hard to comprehend that both these man are pressuring you for their own self interests.

In most of your comments all you are talking about is this pregnancy and your OH. What about your children, as a mother the happiness of my kids who are here with me now would be much more important than a pregnancy. I think telling your OH was extremely selfish of you, you are hurting others and constantly just thinking of yourself. You need to women up! Your children will grow up and hear of what you did and see it as you chose their sibling from your affair over them and their father and a happy family together. The fear of that for me would far outweigh any termination guilt. Honestly look at yourself in the mirror and start making selfless choices for those who are here and whose lives you are affecting.

Honestly OP, I am sorry for the loss of your child but my sister and close friend also had a stillbirth and neither reacted by having an affair so I feel you are using that as a get out of jail free card. They are both getting counselling for trauma and depression/focusing on their DC/getting a lot of exercise and trying to keep their marriages going.

I feel so sorry for both your DH who has lost his daughter and supported his wife through depression only to have you turn around and announce an affair and pregnancy by another man. And for your children who have had a mother suffer with deep depression (not your fault) but who instead of trying to focus on them runs headlong into an affair and invests all her emotion in another man which has to be to the detriment of your children.

Then to read that when you’ve decided to have an abortion (again very difficult and I am sorry for the situation you are in) and are bringing the OM to it! When you said before you know once you have an abortion he will try and get back with you. Honestly you need to cop on a bit. Get a taxi or tell your DM and ask her to bring you or ask another friend. Stop contacting and spending time with the man who you cheated with. It is so disrespectful to your DH and DC.

Op, you really need to find an alternative to having this man with you for the termination. And is this with your dh's knowledge? What the fuck, really.

I 've not used my daughter being still born as an excuse, I know I've been incredibly selfish in this affair and believe me im really struggling with the consequences of this and I know it's what I deserve. It was a mistake and I'm sure I'll suffer the consequences of this abortion for the rest of my live.

I stated it in my initial post as background information and have only mentioned it since as to explain why I find abortion so difficult due to what losing my daughter has taught me. I'm sorry to hear of your sister and friends went through the same experience and I hope they are piecing themselves back together. In this case my daughter's stillbirth has not been used by myself as a reason, but it may well be an underlying reason, please be mindful that trauma effect people in different ways @hopein2020.

@Loveliveexplore I don't know if you've read the thread but I've decided to have an abortion in order to save my family and protect my children.

The only reason I'm considering talking om isn't out of choice, I literally have no one else. My DM is in Japan, I can't expect my DH and only one friend knows who can't take me and I can't go on my own. I can't tell any other friends as they are all couple friends of my DH and I don't want to destroy anymore of our life together by telling them. Believe me I don't want om there but I want to keep this between as few people as possible to give me and DH the best chance of rebuilding our lives together x

Cut him off and never talk to him again. You can go alone you don't need someone there with you. Honestly this man has ruined your life enough, you need to cut all contact forever.
Imagine this was your DH who got a woman pregnant... How would you like it if he was still keeping ties even after this person had come in and destroyed your family. Your lucky your DH wants to give it a go, he's a better man than you are a woman. If it was me I would divorce you, remarry and make your life a living hell. Count your blessings while you still have them.

It says on there website you need someone to accompany you and you can't drive of you are a general anaesthetic.

You can take a taxi.

Have you told your DH you are thinking of taking OM?

Are you over the OM - honestly?

You can't take the OM with you. You need to cut all contact with him for good but you seem to be looking for reasons to stay in touch with him. I agree with @Gutterton that you don't seem to be over with him. You need to stop contacting him and focus on your DH and your children if you want any chance of making this work.

Why can't you DH pick you up after? You say he can't because he has to collect the children from school but surely he can come afterwards and bring them with him even? Or ask one of his friends to mind the children for a few hours? You don't have to tell them why you're in hospital. Or just saying you're having a wisdom tooth out or something (I had a general for a wisdom tooth so it's perfectly plausible).

If you decide on a termination don't let the other man have anything to do with it, tell him it's happening (I suppose he has a right to know) but you want no contact ever again.

Are you 100% certain it's his and not your husband's?

It sounds as if your behaviour has been linked in some way to your tragedy. Did you come to terms with the stillbirth? Have counselling?

If you both want your marriage to survive I suggest intense relationship and bereavement counselling.
You may have to choose between this baby and your marriage, it's a hell of an ask for your husband otherwise.
Sometimes abortion is the lesser evil.

If you get your marriage back on track maybe you can have another baby together in a more positive situation.

Op I'm sorry for your loss first and foremost.
I think you are still having t least an emotional affair with the om. You obsess about him and it seems as though given the chance you would choose him over your dh. This is evident as you are choosing him to accompany you to the termination. This is an opportunity for you to actively reject the om and ask your DH to help you. I know you say you can't ask DH but in reality He knows everything anyway and asking him is choosing him. It let's him know you want him to be the one you rely on when times are tough. That has what being married is all about surely. I bet If you told him 'I need you and want you to be with me even though I don't deserve you' he would at least appreciate your honesty. However sadly I don't think you feel there at about DH.i think you still want om to be your hero deep down. I understand that but it is futile. Om is not a hero he will ultimately destroy you and all the is precious to you. Take it from some one who knows. Choose wisely and stick to good decisions

Every interaction - even preoccupying / obsessing thoughts - of OM is hurting your DDs as you are emotionally distracted and drained of your finite energy. You are choosing to spend this on OM and there is little left for your DDs.

You seem to have no boundaries of the pain you will put yourself through or your DH - but think of your DDs. You have a responsibility to seek the best support and actively engage with a professional programme to improve your MH so that your DD can have a stable, attuned, attentive, loving DM. If you don’t do this your MH is a great risk of deteriorating further and may not fully recover. Your DDs little lives will be even more emotionally bleak than they are now if that happens.

I would try being objective. Imagine this is a friend of yours what would you advise?

Realistically it's unlikely your husband will stay if you do continue the pregnancy, and that will have an affect on your children too

If it was me (and it's not , and entirely your decision) but I would have the abortion and not tell my husband.

You are an emotional wreck at the moment (understandably) and your decision making is being clouded by emotion , rather than practicality.
Good luck with whatever you decide

Thank you for the supportive comments. @maddy68 I am an emotional wreck at the moment. I can't think straight and the decision to have an abortion has been very difficult for me and if Im honest it's not what I want to do but I want to try with my DH to fix things and I don't want to break up our children's family. Ive made a terrible mistake and I'm paying the price by getting pregnant and having to go through an abortion which I know with hit me hard after my previous loss. Om was a distraction but he has now crushed my self esteem to nothing.

Yes I've considered him taking me on Thurs but because I feel I don't have anyone else to ask and I don't want to ask my DH to support me when this is hard enough for him to get his head around. This is an incredibly lonely position to be in, albeit I brought it on mydelf. My friend can't take me so I'm going to see if I can go alone. I don't want om there but I don't feel I have many options right now. I'm really struggling emotionally.

@category12 suggesting I'm making this up and name calling is really not helpful so please stop. Like I say I'm really struggling to think clearly and with clarity

You must not take OM with you. Do not contact him or experience anything else with him again. If you have no-one else, then you will have to go alone. They will be used to single ladies and will support you there. You won't be able to drive afterwards but that's easily solved by getting a cab.
Wishing you all the best in your healing.

But you shouldn't even be considering the OM as an option.

If you're genuinely trying to make it work with your DH, you should not have him anywhere near you. And certainly not for this. You're not protecting your DH or doing him any favours by keeping him out of it if your alternative is to bring in the OM. Can't you see how fucked up that is? It reeks of it being an excuse to see him some more.

Does your DH actually know you need someone with you?

How did the RS with OM end?

Were you caught? Did he finish with you?

Or was it your decision?

How did you feel when the RS with OM was over?

Is your fantasy that OM comes rushing back to you can takes you all under his wing?

If that was me, I would terminate the pregnancy, not say anything more to my husband, and work on my marriage.

Sorry. Missed update. Your marriage sounds in a mess too - perhaps some sort of couples counseling might help but you both might be better separate to be honest.

If you don’t want to have an abortion, then you shouldn’t. You’ll live to regret it. As well as trying to protect your marriage you absolutely must protect your mental health.

It doesn’t sound like either of these men are right for you. If you and your husband can’t get past the affair and you’ve had an abortion then you’ll have lost everything.

Please please look after yourself and make sure you have the support that you need.

Why can’t you expect your DH to take you? Did I read it wrong that he said he would emotionally support you through this if you had an abortion? Emotional support starts with actually being there for you. Or does emotional support mean you deal with it and it gets swept under the carpet? It is clear that you do not want to have the abortion so this is a bit of a non-starter whichever way you look at it.

If you genuinely wish to make your marriage work (and not just have your DH on side so you do not end up a single mum), then the other man should not be in the frame at all. But you should also be able to ask your DH for the emotional support he offered, which includes the practical support of accompanying you to where ever it is you have to go. In fact, he should already have asked about how you are physically going to get there and be okay, marriage = team or am I missing something? He wants you to have an abortion so you can sort your marriage out and he said he would support you emotionally so why are you not discussing this with him?

Do you work? Would you be able to support yourself in one of the houses with your salary and maintenance from your DH for the kids? Have you talked to a solicitor to see what settlement you might get? Or have you just looked at the idea of being a single mum in horror and not even thought that it might be better than this awful situation with one man you have not had physical intimacy with for ? years (but plan to force yourself to at some point?) and who you cannot ask to take you for a procedure he is wishing you to have, and another who most people on here have labelled as abusive; not least because then you would be able to keep the pregnancy and get your own head straight.

I don’t know, maybe I am just a selfish kind of person or maybe it is because I am a single parent and the heavens have not yet fallen in, but I would not be turning up at the clinic tomorrow in your position. I would be looking at the practicalities or separated family and breathing a bit more freely.

That all said, I wish you well whatever you decide. You need real life support, and it would be a good idea to make sure that you have regular counselling lined up. This thread is not really a substitute for that.

*of separated family