Please help. I need some advice/support

[Fuzzywuzzy9]

Hi,

Please please can there be no bashing. I'm already doing that to myself enough. I really don't know where else to turn and I have no one to talk to.

I'm pregnant but it's not my husband's. We've been married for 10 years and together for 17 and come through some horrendous times. We have two living children and our middle daughter was still born at full term. It totally broke me and I'm still broken.

I've done something really stupid... I've been having an affair for the past 6 months with someone I used to work with. I know my husband doesn't deserve this and I've let him down badly. It ended 3 weeks ago and last week I found out I was pregnant. I contacted my ex and he doesn't want anything to do with me or the baby. He's a very selfish and unpleasant person who treated me appaulingly over the past few months and I'm glad it's over but now I'm in a terrible dilemma.

He's taking me to an abortion clinic in two weeks, he wants me to get rid of it as he doesn't want his life 'ruined'. He said if I keep the baby he won't support me and doenst want any contact, his name on the birth certificate or anything which is fine by me. I've made a terrible mistake and I've come to realise that my husband is amazing and I want to be with him and make a go of it but I don't know what to do.

I don't really want an abortion. How can I reconcile killing a life when my middles daughters was cruelly snatched away. I'll never cope with that guilt and I don't think I can live with myself. But how can I love with destroying my living children's lives by having this baby, ruining their happy lives with me and their dad. They have everything they could wish for.

I've looked at options of going it alone too but it seems it's not an option. Unfortunately I have a name on two mortgages so I can't get any housing or universal credit even though I work at minimum wage for 16 hours a week. My husband is the main bread winner and I don't want him to sell the family home and take everything from him he has worked for. I've contacted CAB and I can't get any help.

I feel totally stuck. I don't want to ruin my children's lives and my husband's but I don't want an abortion because I want this baby and I can't live with taking its life away when I already lost a baby so precious to me.

I want to tell my husband but I'm so frightened, I've hurt him so much already and caused him so much pain. My parents won't help me as the knew I had an affair and won't speak to me. All of my friends are friends with my husband. I don't know what to do.

Xx

I'm so sorry OP. That man is an absolute asshole - stop speaking with him. At least you've found out his true character now that push has come to shove.

If you're feeling desperate, please call the Samaritans.

Please talk to your husband. Stop talking to this man.

I'm sorry to be awful but he will tell you anything to get you to have a termination, I dont believe for one second he would have you and your kids move in. If you went through with it he would drop you like a stone and wipe his brow. Besides, would you actually do that to your kids? Split and take them with you to another mans?

Get through christmas then talk to your husband, who, from what you've said, sounds to be quite a decent fella who may be angry and upset, but will have yours and his children's interests at heart as he will still care.

When this all started he said I could move in with my kids but only if I sold my martial house, I said wouldn't as if I was to leave my husband is want him to keep the house for stability for my kids (my ex also has no money and is about to lose his house). He went mad and threw me out of his outside (one of the many times he's done it if I've disagreed or said something he's deemed critical). I know there is no future there. My husband is a really nice person but I don't love him in the right way though.

My ex just wants 'this done' so he can stop worrying about how this baby with effect him financially. He said I will never see him again if I have the baby and he will disown it. I told him I couldn't believe he would disown his own child and he said it's not his child it's mine. I can't believe he's being like this. He's always been ruthless and unkind and I've stupidly kept going back but now I've seen a nasty nasty side where he doesn't care about me at all just himself. He bangs on about me doing I want I want all the time but he only wants me when I do what he wants.

Sorry for all the typos

Poor you, im sure your head is an absolute mess. I really dont think you have any option than to be honest with your dh. Reading your post i think an abortion would absolutely destroy you. What ever you decide it will be hard but what if you have an abortion an your ex tells your dh, he sounds controlling and could use it against. You made a mistake, we all make them, you now have to make a choice that will give you the most positive outcome in the end. Emotions will run high but they will settle given time

OP reading through your posts it's clear you really don't want this abortion, telling your husband the truth seems like the best (and only) option in this situation - can you speak to someone in your family about this? It sounds like your ex is a bully and dealing with him is the last thing you need right now, if there's anyone in real life you can talk to please do that, you need support

Thank the Lord the voice of reason has arrived. You do not sound well enough to make a decision about having an abortion.

You want this baby. You don't want dh or OM.

Both will need to financially support the children at least.

Please get some counselling & try to remember in a year things will be completely different x

Im sorry but Im so confused about this situation now. This other man sounds abusive, vile, threatening and is trying to blackmail you and yet you seem to want him to have a relationship with his and your child? Why? Why would you want man like this to be involved in your kid's life?
And what about your husband in all of this? Why did you seek out an affair with someones horrible when your husband sounds like a good guy? I dont get this at all.

OP you need to stop communicating with this vile Ex... he is bullying you .. manipulating you to his own end.. and trying to control you.. so stop the contact..

You will need to take your DH out of the process too, for the moment.. you need to sit quietly and think about what YOU want.. do YOU want this baby, reading your posts I believe you do.. so you make this decision then take the consequences from there.. okay..

you talk to your DH.. when you're ready.. but I would recommend not having any contact with the Ex.. for the time being if atall.. I fear he will react to you choices and therefore you must stay safe..

it's not an easy path but you must do what is right for you and your body OP. Please take good care of yourself..

This must be awful for you. Hugs xxxx

I don't suppose you can pass the baby off as your husband's? I suppose if you could, you would've mentioned it.

I don't think you should have an abortion as you don't really want to have one.

'I'll never cope with that guilt and I don't think I can live with myself.'

Then you can't do it, IMO.

'But how can I love with destroying my living children's lives by having this baby, ruining their happy lives with me and their dad. They have everything they could wish for.'

I don't think it would ruin their lives- they'd get a little brother or sister that they will probably love. Your hubby might accept that even if it isn't his baby, it's yours, and love it too x

If you do only one thing, please please bin the ex. Cut him out of your life in every way except CM if needed.

Yep goes without saying to have nothing more to do with him than you have to. He sounds awful.

It comes across that you want to keep the baby; that you should have nothing to do with the ex affair partner (although he could change his mind once baby is born and pursue for contact); and that you would like to keep your marital family in tact even though you do not love your husband ‘in the right way’ (not sure what that means).

I am so very sorry to hear of your stillbirth and the trauma related to this and the impact on your mental health during your third pregnancy. Someone close to me had a full-term stillbirth and it is devastating. Having seen her baby laid out and attended the funeral and knowing the on-going wrenching loss, it is difficult to see children as anything but a blessing and a privilege.

At the moment, though, you do not have a baby but an on-going pregnancy. So when you say you want this baby, you mean you want this pregnancy to continue and you do not want to do anything to end it - Nature, or adverse circumstances, if you like, determines from here if you get a baby as you know. You can only do at each step what you think is right - thinking through all of the permutations will otherwise make you unwell.

As far as I can see, the biggest certainty here is that you do not wish an abortion. Everything else is an uncertainty (aside from the ex sounds vile( and will only become more clear in time. So therefore the things to work out are the consequences which flow from not having a termination.

Thank for you for all of your advice and being so supportive. I really appreciate it. @DecemberDays I'm extremely saddened to hear of your friends stillbirth. It really is the most devastating thimg to happen and it has changed me as a person completely. I do see pregnancy and babies in a very different way now.

Unfortunately this morning I have started bleeding. It's bright red and quite heavy. I've also got some cramps. I'm guessing nature has stepped into my decision and I feel really sad. My ex of course is delighted. I told him via text and he said he was relieved. It's hard to get my head around how I can be so sad I'm miscarrying whereas the baby's father is happy it is happening. I guess maybe I should feel relieved too but I don't. I'm just sad x

I hope everyone is having a lovely Christmas btw. I hope today has been relaxing and kind to you all x

I'm so sorry OP

My gosh @Fuzzywuzzy9

First of all this ex, please bin him off and cut off contact. Conversing with him is doing you no favours at all. I mean this is a man who was asking you to move in with your two children but won’t support a child of his own. What utter bullshit! Issues you ultimatums and threats and puts you outside when you disagree. This is not a good man, this is an abusive bully who would be ten times worse if you were to ever live with him. Happy about the possible miscarriage, I mean I get that he might be relieved but the appropriate response would be along the lines of ‘I’m sorry, are you ok?, is there anything I can do’ etc

As for your husband, he may very well be lovely good man or whatever. However, I think you need to stop putting yourself mentally and emotionally in between these two men. The loss you and your husband experienced is a terrible thing to go through as a couple. It’s undoubtedly changed you as a person and changed your relationship. I know you have said your still in therapy and I would certainly say your still recovering. The affair with this horrible man has been an escape for your pain, but it has also stopped you from progressing and healing (as much as it’s possible to heal from such a loss) and caused another rift/emotional distance from your husband. I think you need to go back to ground zero and concentrate on just working on yourself and how you feel without any romantic or relationship complications.

In regards to this pregnancy, firstly I would just say that bleeding does not always mean miscarriage, so I would have that checked out before you assume that to be the case. Secondly I don’t think any of us can tell you what to do and whether to terminate or not. I would certainly say that despite the obvious potential consequences to your children/husband/marriage I think you still have to make the choice you feel is right for yourself. Given your previous loss and trauma surrounding it, I actually think is really very important you make the decision you feel YOU can best live with. I also think if you consider things purely in this regard you’ll find it easier to come to a decision, all the other kinks and complications can be worked out as and when along the way. Keep in mind that some of these difficulties may be easier than you expected and some with be harder than anticipated, and some would have happened anyway regardless of the choice you make. The worst bit of it all in this is the bit your in right now, your in limbo, overwhelmed and paralysed from the weight of this decision, desperately trying to consider all the ramifications all the possible consequences to you, your children, husband and OM. All of this is making an insurmountable number of considerations and no matter what you do you are never going to be able to please everybody so please stop trying. Likewise beating yourself up over the situation is doing you no good either, it’s not solving anything, you know you’ve made a mistake (we all make mistakes) you are sorry and to be sorry and learn from it is really all you can ask of yourself.

All I can really prescribe is to just give yourself some quiet headspace. Forget the ex, honestly block him and stop talking to him. Think about you, just you and then see how you feel. I hope with doing this, things become clearer for you.

I’m sorry your in this situation

LillygoLightly speaks great sense.

I also think you should cut contact with this other man, who is callous and I dare say, saw that you were and indeed are vulnerable to take advantage of. He has no business to know what is going on in your life, he has forfeited that with his behaviour, and you will find it much, much more difficult to get your head straight whilst he is messing with it.

I am also in agreement that you should try and seek medical attention to confirm what is going on. I understand this is probably difficult at this time of year, but best to have clarity and appropriate medical care to ensure you are okay.

I also think appropriate medical care includes the therapy I think you are still accessing. Unfortunately on top of the grief and trauma of the stillbirth, you also have the spaghetti head caused by an abusive man (and believe me, they spot vulnerability a mile off, he should have kept well clear and should be leaving you alone now).

I hope that you can find peace Take the pressure off yourself to decide anything major and just look after the situation you have - yourself and your two children and everything else will become clearer in time

Thank you also for your kind words regarding my friend.

Once again thank you for all of your replies. I really appreciate them. I have an appointment at an abortion clinic tomorrow evening. It's just for a scan and a consultation. My bleeding has completely stopped so I have no idea what is happening but I don't think I've miscarried or if I have nothing has passed. I'm really scared of the scan as I know this sounds stupid, but I'm scared they're be a living pregnancy in there. I feeling relatively calm ATM but I have a feeling that may all change once I've been to the appointment. I've hardly had any contact with the father over Xmas but did yday as he's supposed to be taking me to the appointment tomorrow. He's still saying he thinks this baby will ruin the life he has with his son (not because of access of him supporting me but because of finances) and I'll be ruining my existing children's lives and if I have the baby we are done. He has done this throughout our entire relationship, basically it's my fault he's been horrible, argued, thrown me out because I've antagonised him or questioned him or blamed him for doing something he actually has done. He can be very unkind and cruel, someone asked why I've not finished it earlier, the reason is when he is lovely he makes me feel like I'm the most important person in the world and he can be the nicest loveist person and that's what I hang on for. That side. The side I had when we began, the side I get snippets off. I can't think straight when it comes to him as he makes me doubt myself and my thoughts. That it is me that's wrong. I'm scared of going into this abortion being clouded by him, he has me desperately wanting him and I've been chasing his love and approval for months now and I'm scared I'll do the same here. I know it sounds very black and white when you're out of it but when you're in the midst of it it's hard. I'm scared to finish with him as it's always me that comes off emotionally destroyed when weve ended it before and I'm not sure I can take it right now.

This man is completely different to my husband, I don't know why I can't just be happy at home with him when he's kind and caring and attentive rather than hanging on for snippets of care and love from some else. The baby's father told me being with me is like kicking a puppy. I think he's right. X

Why are you letting him take you to the appointment? It is just compounding things, surely.

He is not a nice person - he turns everything around on you, he is not a supportive person and he has a desired outcome (that you have an abortion and do not rock the boat or more importantly, cost him any money... you know those his concern is not having to pay maintenance, not your well-being).

You sound like you have lost all sense of self - where is your own power to make decisions? You are handing it all to him for the snippets or crumbs he throws you to keep you thinking maybe you can recapture the loveliness which drew you to him in the first place. The problem is that loveliness was a mirage, an act to draw you in because you were vulnerable and he is psychologically manipulating you. This is not a nice person, you know that, in fact you spell it out in your post. And yet you are also casting yourself as mentally weak and powerless to resist. (Or maybe the only way to feel okay about the abortion is the narrative that he controls you into it?)

You are not mentally weak - you have been through a lot of trauma - however difficult, these experiences have made you stronger and wiser, even if you do not realise this. He does not deserve the time of day you are giving him, he does not understand or know a fraction of your grief and loss, he is playing with you and his agenda right now is not paying maintenance. He has a real cheek bringing your existing children into any discussions you have; he knew you had existing children within a marriage when he had sex with you; he does not deserve to draw on their future well-being to influence your discussion because he should have stayed well clear in the first place. As many people have said, you must make the decision that is right for you.

You are old enough to know that you and he are not star-crossed lovers and you also know enough to list in your post exactly how he behaves to you. What you doubt is your own strength to walk away and stay away from him. He is just a person. He does not have special properties which make him magical. He is just a person, and not a very nice one at that. Disentangle yourself from him and work out what you want to do about your marriage.

I mean this kindly - what are you hoping for from him? I ask because of him taking you to the clinic. Is there a reason he is taking you and you aren't going alone? I know it wouldnt be nice to face alone but he is going with an agenda, and you know this. I think being alone would be better than having his "support" which is messing with your head.

Are you hoping he will change his mind if he sees baby on screen?
If he does are you hoping for a future in which you can go home, tell your husband and then move in with this man and raise your children?
If the latter is a genuine hope, deep down, then I think you need to consider what that could do to your relationship with your other children. You write a lot about wanting to do the best by them, and out of all the possible outcomes, subjecting them to this man is probably the one thing that could do the most damage to them. Particularly if you have hopes of moving straight in with him and your children which you've alluded to before.

Going it alone with your children, showing strength and independence and owning this situation and your mistakes, they would ultimately respect you for I would hope.

So please, give it some thought- why are you still involving this man? What are you hoping for?

Thank you @DecemberDays and @Needsomebottle. I know he has his own agenda taking me deep down, he's cancelled seeing his son to take me. He normally has absolutely no contact with me when he has him so I know he's taking me to make sure I go. I know all of this, I'm just an idiot who wants the person she met, but I know deep down too that person is gone. I want him to come because I want hope he'll see when we are there the enormity of what this is and it's not just something that needs to be 'dealt with'. After today is over I'm going to tell him I need some space and try and go no contact. He isn't good for me. I'm disappointed in myself that I came through one of the worst things that happened to me yet it's this man that makes me cry and sad. I should be strong as I crawled out of a pit of despair and now I'm a shell of me, unable to stand up for myself, mainly because when I do I get crushed like someone standing on a shell.

I need him gone, it was hard enough when this wasn't happening but now I'm pregnant it's even harder to cope emotionally with the beration I'll get. Everytime he's vile I go crawling back. I hate myself for it.

Its so hard to make a decision without h clouding my thoughts. I hope he'll change his mind, but to what end.... A life of misery and cruelty. Over Xmas seeing my children and my husband so happy made me realise what I have and I can't ask my husband to take on a child who with remind him of this man and also I don't want to be connected to him forever. The OM says we don't have a future anyway as I'll blame him for making me do this and throw it back in his face forever, he's right, and that's because he is trying to make me so this. He masquerades having my children's needs at heart but it is his own. If I ever said that he'd be furious and so angry with me for thinking so little of him x

I understand you, I'm in different situation but at the same time similar. Abusive ex, it's really hard to get away. Your feelings won't just go away. You are lucky you have your husband.
My suggestion is to tell the guy to fuck off as he is useless bas he is. Then go to your husband give him a hugg and try to speech him and love him. I would give anything for a hugg from a loving partner. Buy I'm not luckily.

The problem is- that man is still there, but it’s just a part of him he can switch on and off, as and when it suits him and what he wants. It’s not the full ‘him’ Which you thought it was. You’re not an idiot, you’re like many many other people out there who is led to believe someone is how they appear when some people just aren’t.

Your life will not be good with him in it, regardless of the baby. He will not enhance your life or bring out your best parts, he will leave you uncertain about yourself, and him. You will start to believe you are worthless. Your identity will be based on how he is being with you in that moment. You cannot be a good parent, to any child while being involved with someone like that. Get out now.

I admire your honesty in your above post about what you hope for. And it's so hard to give up hope when someone has shown you this wonderful side. I am sure all of us can relate in some way or another, be it romantically or with other dashed dreams.

Try if you can, to approach it with logic. Easier said than done, but you've listed a lot of bad things and logically you know, that you would always know they were there. As people say here often - when someone shows you who they are, believe them. The lovely man in the early days was a facade to lure you in. You don't want what he is offering now. And it would never get better because he knows he can treat you like crap. And that would have the potential to do untold damage to your relationship with your children.

Do what you should have done to start with, if you need to be apart from your DH, untangle yourself from him and the other man. Do it legitimately. Let your husband go so he can have a relationship he deserves and set yourself free to have one with someone you adore and adores you back. And seek some professional support to get through this.

You are in a mess of a situation, you know that and its causing you great upset, only you can get you out of this. But at the moment you're self sabotaging and throwing yourself deeper into it.

It's not easy but you're going to have to make the decision re the baby otherwise the passage of time will make it for you. If you can't go through with a termination then your decision is made. Then you need to approach it step by step, and work out how you are going to make life work. Either have the baby and lose the other guy. Or stay with your husband and lose the other guy. Either way he will be gone. Or should be gone.

You will get through it, but, in the nicest possible little online shake way, you need to stop burying your head and hoping for a fairytale ending that this man has told you both in words and in actions, is never going to happen. It's not an option. Stop counting on it as one. Sorry OP. It's really hard but you will come through this. Keep talking here. I feel like I'm being mean and I don't mean to be, theres lots of support here from lots of people, no matter what path you choose.

Appointment was today wasnt it? Hope it went ok.

Thank you. I went to the appointment last night and I'm 6 weeks and there's a heartbeat. I told my husband this morning and he has walked out, I don't know where he's gone or if he's coming back.