Thread 2: Husband's now not-so-secret drinking problem

[Stickywhitelovepiss]

A thousand thanks to those who posted on my thread over the last 6 months.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3606514-Hand-hold-DH-missing-after-accident?watched=1&msgid=92322070#92322070

Short story is that husband got arrested for suspected drink driving in the middle of the day six months ago, and had muggings here believing it was all one big misunderstanding. Results have only this week been communicated - he was over the limit and is being charged accordingly.

Turns out he has been harbouring a secret drinking problem for way, way longer than I knew. In the last 6 months his drinking has escalated massively (or at least become more apparent to me), and I am under no illusions now that he is an alcoholic.

Rationally, and having read up on all the conventional wisdom on this front, I know I need to have him leave till he either sorts himself out, or we call it a day after 12 years.

Emotionally, it is tearing me in two.

I won't be making any sudden moves before Christmas, but please keep talking to me in the meantime. I'll be going to an Al-Anon this week, but right now it's you lovely nest of vipers that is keeping me sane...

Getting support for yourself is the single best thing you can do and you've already taken that step. Well done.

Everything else can wait until you have started feeling the benefits of Al-Anon support. It will help you take better decisions and be at peace with them, and that's important.

You do however need to start mentally preparing for the possibility that this may be the end of your marriage. Think about practical things - finances, housing - and also emotional things - learning to live as a single person all over again.

But you'll do it. Been there, done that, now almost two years down the line and happier than ever. Still very much recovering, it's a long process especially since my husband died before we were divorced, but life is so much better now.

I know this is probably not in line with what a lot of posters feel but I just want to say that sticky's husband isn't just someone who drinks and lies .Alcoholism is a horrible affliction and I have sympathy for anyone who is so afflicted . But of course there is more to them than the alcohol .

He's been in the Forces and has MH issuses . He no doubt lied not so much because he's someone who habitually lies and finds it easy to do so but because he was so desperately ashamed .I don't think advising the OP to threaten leaving etc unless he goes to AA etc is that helpful .

Sticky this is a ghastly thing to happen to you and must make you doubt all that has been between you and DH .I'm not saying to you that you must be a paragon of support /kindness/understanding ,you love him and this is heartbreaking .You must seek help and support for yourself .

And so must your husband ,from professionals .

Hi OP. With you.

Well done on opening up IRL.

Peridito my husband had MH issues too. But he refused to address them. He refused to help himself. He lied about his drinking - because that is what addicts do. When he died, he was still drinking.

Addicts don't change until something makes them change. If that is a partner leaving, then that is what it takes. I went the ultimatum route with my husband - rehab or divorce. And after 6+ years of his alcoholic crap, I meant it. I still stand behind that decision. Rock bottom doesn't just apply to the addict, it can also apply to their loved ones - and they are fully entitled to stop enabling, take back their own lives and walk away. Your advice is not healthy.

An alcoholic can go onto lose everything and everyone around them and they can still choose to drink afterwards

You can only help your own self ultimately sticky and I would certainly encourage you to attend al-anon meetings.

Alcoholism is not called the family disease for nothing and you are as caught up in this almost as he is. Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start after the marriage ends. His primary relationship is with drink, it’s not with you and alcohol is a cruel mistress

@peridito are you an alcoholic also to be actually giving out terrible advice to the OP!!
@Stickywhitelovepiss I also was with an alcoholic for years, they are master liars & your head will spin with the tales they tell you. The only advice I would give is to look after yourself & get the help & support you need and then go from there. Do not put your life on hold for this man, he had no problems in lying to you all these months, alcoholics think of nothing but themselves.

Being caught drink driving was the trigger for my brother "coming out" with his alcoholism. Unfortunately, when his drinking was no longer a secret, it only escalated. We are now 13 years on from that drink driving offence. He's still an alcoholic and has destroyed every relationship (in fact every thing) in his life with his drinking.

Fair warning.

Sorry you're facing this.

I haven't read the previous thread- a PP has said there are other issues, I'm glad they put us in the loop.

If someone is a recovering alcoholic that's no reason to leave if that's the only issue. I suppose you could tell him that you will leave if he doesn't get help with his drinking.

OP, still here. Please remember that you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it - words you’ll hear in al-anon. It’s so true: this is his battle and he has to want to fight it for himself.

My husband was/is an alcoholic. He eventually had counselling, engaged properly, understood the causes of the drinking and basically destroyed and rebuilt himself to take the drinking away. He hasn’t had a drink for 5 years now.

I lost touch with so many people because my DH would take against them and not want to see them. Underneath it was because he felt like a failure and didn’t want to be with people who reminded him of that, which eventually as he ran away from more and more of adult life became everyone.

We came out the other side, eventually, and he has become the wise, sensitive and caring man I always knew was there. But the cost has been 12 years of my life, years when if things were different we might have started a family. And he has to live with the guilt of how he treated me and the opportunities he wasted.

I completely understand about the frog boiling. If I could go back in time I’d tell my younger self to walk away. I won’t leave him now because with the drinking over we are great together, but I am sure if I had left I would have been great with someone else.

He says “the first person an alcoholic lies to is themself. Once you can do that, lying to everyone else is easy”

Thanks @Bodear. Intellectually I know that’s true - hoping Al Anon will help me internalise it.

Back home tonight and - predictably - back to loving the bones of him. Will take a while to get heart and head into alignment...

Have decided - whether OH likes it or not (and he seriously won’t) - I’m talking to my Dad after Christmas. It’s too big a secret not to share at this point.

@Blibbyblobby - thank you for sharing your own story. Really positive to hear it’s possible to come out the other end intact.

Just wanted to post on your new thread to say I’m still here to support you.
When I can face it, I will post a longer post. My exhusband was an alcoholic. I couldn’t save him and I nearly killed myself trying to do so. Eventually I had to save the only person I could save, myself. For me, it took a
Long time to heal, but I have been reborn. I have a life I love with people I love, without the shame and the burden, fear and worry of what I would come him to every day. If you search my other posts, you will see where it has ended for him. He’s currently missing. His family only expect to find him when the police call to say he’s either in jail or dead.

@Stickywhitelovepiss we have come out the other end, but I’m not sure about intact. They were horrible, horrible years, and we still suffer the hangover (bad joke) of not having had kids*, lost friendships, poor career progression etc.

Huge hugs to you and I am so sorry for being negative when you want to hear something positive. . I really feel for you but I don’t want to give you false hope. Even if it “works out” you may have been better off leaving.

So if you stay, stay with your eyes open and be ready to call it quits. It’s not your job to fix him, you CAN’T fix him, and you can pour your life away trying to cover the gaps for him.

It absolutely won’t work if he doesn’t get professional help and give it full commitment.

• not sure I wanted them, but because of his drinking it was never even on the table to consider it

Gosh, I read your original post and just catching up. Agree with a PP that I would need to know where his head is at now. He's kept it all a secret for a long time. Why? Is he ready to move on? My concern would be how skilful he is at hiding things as his behaviour has gone on for some time. Also, whether he is ready for things to be out in the open so you can both get the support you need.

So pleased you have this outlet to discuss. It sounds like you really want to come out the other side of things. I hope he is as committed.

Sticky you are right to tell your dad. You are in general right to tell people in RL. Addiction thrives on secrecy. That secrecy doesn't help anyone. It isn't about 'shaming' people, it is about you activating your support network.

My husband didn't want me to tell people either - I ignored it because I knew I needed help. He also didn't want to tell his own family once we decided to split up because of his drinking - I accepted that until the time he ended up in A&E with suicidal ideation and was sent straight to inpatient detox and rehab. Then I told them.

Not sure passing out drunk with the grill on is recovering.

Regardless, it's good you're making little steps within yourself in processing it and feeling able to plan to talk about it. Even the oscillating between feeling resolved to act and then feeling desperately in love with him is normal and part of that processing you're going through.

You're actually sounding a little brighter today in the sense of sounding like you're perhaps feeling less helpless and more in control. Does that fit with how you're feeling?

Hi OP I've only just come across your thread and wanted to wish you well. I was raised by an alcoholic, it was a hard life and my one piece of advice would be not to keep this a secret. I think by keeping it hidden it enables the alcoholic to continue their lie and it isolates you. Also by talking about it, and I know it's early days, you are allowing yourself to be supported. There is no shame on your part but be prepared for people to recoil. Good luck telling your Dad, he loves you and will support you. ❤

You can separate and not divorce.You can see if he is ready to give up.

I have watched other people stay with alcoholics and they just become their careers. A decade on they acknowledge it and wish they had walked away and I actually admit they thought they could make a difference... they look like they carry the worries of the world

Sticky you have to tell your dad. You cannot keep this a secret - doing that allows your DH to minimise and try and style out that he is not 'that bad'. I saw this dynamic with my mum & her husband for years - I mean over 30 years. I would also say her husband had long periods of sobriety - over 5 years or more - but would always relapse and now the alchohol has won entirely. Even if he gets dry, you can have no confidence he will stay that way forever. But the first step is for him to own his addiction and that means you have to be able to tell people about it.

Sticky Hope you're ok - I've been reading your threads and my heart goes out to you. They resonate with me too - as my ex-husband was an alcoholic. I can empathise and totally understand how sad and confused you must feel and also they manage to keep the extent of their addition under wraps, until, inevitably and eventually it unfortunately becomes all too apparent. So glad to read you're reaching out. Yes, I expect your Dad will have guessed something isn't right, so telling him will be cathartic for you. You are not alone and you have done absolutely nothing wrong - indeed the opposite - you have obviously been a loving, supportive wife. Unfortunately the addiction means secretive behaviour and lies. Ultimately only you can decide whether you feel able to continue in this relationship. I understand you're very shocked at the moment and it's very early days for you, so absolutely no need to make any decisions at the moment. Give yourself time. I had a three year old and decided I couldn't carry on with a relationship that was so destructive. Someone I worked with had an alcoholic husband and she stayed with him. He eventually had a massive stroke so she is his carer. Her life is an absolute misery.

I hope your husband will face up to his problems - I would imagine the way will become clear to you over the next few weeks.

We're all here for you Sticky, look after yourself today.

Thank you all.

He had a rare dry night last night and is currently cock of the walk for doing so.

As if one swallow makes a summer!

Sticky, if he's been drinking for a while, suddenly stopping can cause seizures, watch him carefully for sweating or shaking. Unfortunately I know this from experience. I'm where you are now, only my dh has lost his job.
Here if you want to talk x