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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thread 2: Husband's now not-so-secret drinking problem

335 replies

Stickywhitelovepiss · 14/12/2019 14:41

A thousand thanks to those who posted on my thread over the last 6 months.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3606514-Hand-hold-DH-missing-after-accident?watched=1&msgid=92322070#92322070

Short story is that husband got arrested for suspected drink driving in the middle of the day six months ago, and had muggings here believing it was all one big misunderstanding. Results have only this week been communicated - he was over the limit and is being charged accordingly.

Turns out he has been harbouring a secret drinking problem for way, way longer than I knew. In the last 6 months his drinking has escalated massively (or at least become more apparent to me), and I am under no illusions now that he is an alcoholic.

Rationally, and having read up on all the conventional wisdom on this front, I know I need to have him leave till he either sorts himself out, or we call it a day after 12 years.

Emotionally, it is tearing me in two.

I won't be making any sudden moves before Christmas, but please keep talking to me in the meantime. I'll be going to an Al-Anon this week, but right now it's you lovely nest of vipers that is keeping me sane...

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 15/12/2019 18:28

You can love him and still leave him, for your own (and his) wellbeing. Many alcoholics don’t manage to stay get and sober long term, sadly.

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 15/12/2019 18:46

No sweats or shakes as yet - and yes I know to keep an eye.

I don’t think he is quite in that territory yet, though clearly if he carries on in this vein he’s not a million miles off.

I have bought a breathalyser that he’s submitted to willingly from yesterday onwards, and he’s clear so far. Not that I am under any illusions that this ultimately makes a difference - this is the long game here, and even the most hardened can manage a day or two of the sauce, I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 15/12/2019 18:56

As I say, I’m not really in a position to make any short term moves ahead of Christmas, other than us both kicking off with AA (him) and Al Anon (me) ahead of time. I also appreciate that Christmas is the worst time to go dry, and it would be unfair of me to realistically expect otherwise.

In January my plan is to a) see a solicitor to find out my options, b) tell my dad and c) carry on with the meetings and build up strength for whatever road lies ahead.

What kills me is the alcohol is maybe 20% of the relationship- the rest is, and has, been wonderful, the happiest I’ve ever been. But (and I’m aware this contradicts everything I just said) the worry and paranoia on my part at this point is 100%. All day and all night, every time he doesn’t answer the phone etc. - and even were he to be miraculously sober from here on in, that will never go away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 15/12/2019 18:57
  • off the sauce
OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/12/2019 19:58

That worry and fear is what has killed my friends love for his DP and turned him into a carer. Worried if he works late or goes out, heaven forbid go away for a night or 2 with mates.

Somehow you need to learn to detach from any feelings of responsibility for his drinking.

Loopytiles · 15/12/2019 20:04

You can’t control or cure it, the action has to come from him.

pointythings · 15/12/2019 22:27

What you're saying about the 100% anxiety so resonates with me. There was always the constant worry about what he would be like when I got home, how far would the level in the bottle have sunk, would he be slurring his words already when I got home or would that come later...

And all those feelings are valid reasons for you to act. As the partner of an addict, you feel responsible for their wellbeing - I mean, I took those for better, for worse vows too. But there comes a point when you realise that he took those vows as well, and that 'for worse' does not mean you get to wilfully flush yourself down the toilet and make life worse for the person you are supposed to love.

So far you are tackling this with rationality, compassion and common sense. However hard it is, keep it up.

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 16/12/2019 09:56

I have a day off work today, and am gearing up to call my dad. I would rather do it face to face, but he's a long drive away from me, and I can't in all good conscience lie to him going into Christmas, when we'll be seeing him and be doing the whole food drink festive cheer thing.

Good idea or bad one, do you think? Or should I just keep schtum till January, and not foist this worry on him over Christmas?

OP posts:
HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 16/12/2019 10:25

Yes good idea, tell him

Trethew · 16/12/2019 10:35

Tell him

ohwheniknow · 16/12/2019 10:43

I think it's a good idea.

TheNavigator · 16/12/2019 10:53

I think it is a good idea, I don't think you can go into Christmas without telling your dad for a number of reasons. Support for you, making it real, and ending the shame, secrecy and lies that maintain the disease. Take care xxx

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 16/12/2019 11:02

I know... I am trying to pluck up the courage. He will be so disappointed.... :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 16/12/2019 11:03

OH will be furious with me.

OP posts:
FATEdestiny · 16/12/2019 11:17

Never mind him being furious, your OH should be the one telling your Dad, not you.

Telling people and being open is one of the first steps in accepting his alcoholism.

Him being annoyed is irrelevant. He should be thankful he doesn't need to face the initial shame himself.

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 16/12/2019 11:21

This might be the last Christmas we can spend as a family - just how it always was.

I think I will chicken out and go and see my dad face to face in the new Year.

OP posts:
Annasgirl · 16/12/2019 11:31

Oh @Stickywhitelovepiss , I see you are already backtracking. Please listen to those of us on here posting from experience - words we wish someone had spoken to our DM/DF/Dsis - even to our younger selves. You need to tell your dad - you need support in real life.

Please stop thinking about the feelings of your OH - he lost the right for you to put his feelings first when he lied to you about the drink driving.

It will not change, it will not get better. You can only change your own life - you cannot change him. And honestly, if you need to keep a breathalyser in your house, you really have a problem.

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 16/12/2019 11:42

I am a bit yes - but in the last 5 minutes I've just booked an appointment with a solicitor for Friday, to at least know what my options are.

That way I can speak to me Dad with a clearer idea of next steps (especially as I'll have started Al Anon by then too), and not sour Christmas for everyone in the meantime.

I am totally onboard will telling my Dad. Whether it's now or two weeks though, in the grand scheme of things won't make a huge degree of difference, and I really feel I have to do that in person rather than over the phone. I'll make an excuse to go away for a night (I travel a fair bit in my job), and go visit him instead.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 16/12/2019 11:43

*with telling my Dad

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/12/2019 11:44

Please phone up and tell your Dad, he will likely notice things aren't quite right and will be sad that you didn't give him the option of supporting you.

You need to put you first not your DH feelings!

Eesha · 16/12/2019 11:50

Just read your story and didn't want to read and run. My ex partner is an alcoholic, formerly armed forces too and I believe with anger/depression too. I agree with a previous poster, don't put your life on hold if he isn't willing to sort himself out. My ex lied about not drinking, then proceeded to buy a giant case 'because it was Xmas' and how I was being awful for stopping him. We have beautiful children but genuinely he cannot help himself and I feel quite sorry for him. But we are so much better off without his lies and stresses. Life is too short.

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 16/12/2019 11:52

If I tell him now, it will make it real, and ramp up the stress on my for now being under pressure to act sooner rather than later, while I'm still processing this all myself.

I just want to have this one Christmas where for one last time things are "normal" - January (as in asap into the New Year) is when I will do it. That's not fobbing people off. I'm 100% clear that it needs to be done.

OP posts:
villamariavintrapp · 16/12/2019 11:52

Tell him now, you'll feel so much relief not having to anticipate doing it for the next couple of weeks.

FATEdestiny · 16/12/2019 12:08

You're allowed to tell your Dad peice-meal. It doesn't have to all be explained in one go.

"DH has been convicted of drink driving. He's very ashamed so isn't drinking over Christmas and New Year" is enough for now.

Loopytiles · 16/12/2019 12:14

So you’ll be with your dad for xmas? And assuming that your H will be heavy drinking?

One of the impacts of alcohol problems on families is that the person with the problem prioritises alcohol/ themselves, and so do others. You’re doing that here.

In my family we have some difficult and sad stuff going on at present. Have done in the past too, eg miscarriage/family row/death of a relative close to Christmas. Being open about this need not “sour Christmas”. And even if they do, some things are even more important than the atmosphere during the get together and bonhomie (?).