Thread 2: Husband's now not-so-secret drinking problem

[Stickywhitelovepiss]

A thousand thanks to those who posted on my thread over the last 6 months.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3606514-Hand-hold-DH-missing-after-accident?watched=1&msgid=92322070#92322070

Short story is that husband got arrested for suspected drink driving in the middle of the day six months ago, and had muggings here believing it was all one big misunderstanding. Results have only this week been communicated - he was over the limit and is being charged accordingly.

Turns out he has been harbouring a secret drinking problem for way, way longer than I knew. In the last 6 months his drinking has escalated massively (or at least become more apparent to me), and I am under no illusions now that he is an alcoholic.

Rationally, and having read up on all the conventional wisdom on this front, I know I need to have him leave till he either sorts himself out, or we call it a day after 12 years.

Emotionally, it is tearing me in two.

I won't be making any sudden moves before Christmas, but please keep talking to me in the meantime. I'll be going to an Al-Anon this week, but right now it's you lovely nest of vipers that is keeping me sane...

Thank you both. I wanted to chime in with the voices that recovery is possible.

Well I’m now officially off the smoking wagon after years on, so a bit of a hypocrite really.

Except that I won’t get arrested or lose my job for this - unless I light up in the office or something.

Oh and I’ve booked to see a solicitor on Friday to understand options- though I’d hope we could do things amicably ourselves.

How do I know whether I am meeting a Shit Hot Lawyer or not? Aside from what they charge...? ;)

I do agree that recovery is possible. My Dsis' partner is an alcoholic who has been 10 years sober.

It's understandable that you are stressed.

Good luck with the lawyer

Sticky it must be such a shock and a betrayal ,I hope you are looking after yourself .

It's understandable about smoking ,and as you say it won't leave you dangerously in charge of a car .

Nicotine addiction is indeed preferable to alcohol addiction .

Re the lawyer I'd say see how you feel when you meet them and once you've left. The first solicitor I had left me feeling worse after every communication so I changed to another one and am now getting somewhere. Both were recommended, I just had to suck it and see, as the saying goes.

I'm sorry you're going through this, some of what you have said really resonates with me

Hmmm. Day 4 and still dry - or at least enough to register as such on the breathalyser.

Still on for AA and Al Anon tomorrow evening - if (and that’s a huge “if” right now) it turns out we’re in it in this for the long haul, handy they are down the road from each other at the same time on the same night...

Planning for all scenarios still (I can barely do or think otherwise at the moment), so still solicitors on Friday and Dad chat in the new year. He deserves to know and I deserve to tell him.

Sticky

Please stop using the breathalyser on him. You cannot police him like this, it will destroy you. If he goes to AA then he should only go there of his own accord, you cannot make him attend. Coercion from other people to attend such rarely if ever is successful.

If you do decide to separate as well I would not at all count on him being amicable going forward either; he could well make this as long and protracted as "punishment" to you for having the gall in his eyes to leave him.

Am glad to read that you are planning on attending Al-anon meetings; you really are as caught up in his alcoholism as he is. You are playing out the usual roles associated with spouses of alcoholics to a tee; those of enabler, provoker and codependent partner.

The breathalyser is hardly healthy I know - but the only independent reassurance I have right now. That said, he’s actually wanting to do it to prove to me he can, and once AA kicks in, it will - as you rightly say - come down to trust. But I’m not in that place yet.

Divorce wise, I would very likely stand to gain more than to lose if he wanted to take it there, so it would be in his interests to go quietly if he has any sense left in him!

Fortify yourself OP, whatever that may look like, Al Anon, solicitor, etc, focus on you rather than him

You are playing out the usual roles associated with spouses of alcoholics to a tee; those of enabler, provoker and codependent partner.

Totally get that - at least intellectually I do.

But the vast majority of our relationship hasn’t been like this, and there are two humans behind those text book roles.

Arggghhh. Am sounding pathetic now, I know.

Scrap all of that.

Popped out of the room and found him in kitchen topping up cola with wine.

I’m really up shit creek here, aren’t I...???

Unfortunately yes

Sorry op

It's going to be a long journey

Just a quick message of support. My Dh is an alcoholic. I only found out a few months ago and it's so tough. You can drive yourself crazy trying to control the alcohol but he will always find a way. I now can smell when my Dh has had even one drink. I am dreading christmas. The sober times are almost worst as I am waiting for him to fall off the wagon. This is your journey and you do what you feel is right and when.

I am so, so sorry.

But not surprised. And the fact that he would drink something that is going to taste so foul just shows the strength of his addiction.

Secret drinking is a very bad sign. It shows that he may have said the words about going to AA, but he didn't mean them. Mine used to nip out to the corridor, where he kept a bottle of cheap spirits in his work backpack (yes, he drank secretly at work) so that he could take a top up swig. while he had a full glass beside him in the living room.

Whatever you do, Al-Anon for you. You will need them.

Oh I'm sorry. That must have been a bit of a punch in the gut.

He used the breathalyser as an excuse to allow him to drink (after it was used).

Having said that, I can understand that rationale in using one. You can never trust any answer to "have you drank?". Because if he has, he will lie. If he hasn't, you won't trust him.

Have a look at the sober recovery forum and read the threads on friends and family of alcoholics so you know what the future holds for you.
It's a horrendous feeling that you have right now and I know it all to well and the best thing you can do, even though it doesn't feel like it, is let him get on with it alone.
The more you allow him to carry on drinking in your relationship and home the more you are enabling him.
You have to detach and put you first and understand that nothing you have done or will do will make him stop until he truly wants to.
There is no relationship with an addict as their priority is the drink.
Al anon will help you come to to terms with this best wishes xx

V sad. But he’s not dry, so this is to be expected.

breathalysing him isn’t a good idea - you can’t control it. Also at odds with assuming he’ll drink at family events.

what would need to happen (or not happen) before you end the relationship?

Op I'm really sorry. But I think you are kidding yourself if you seriously believe that your husband has been drinking "normal" amounts on company previously. He's an alcoholic and will find a way to feed his addiction. You mentioned empty vodka bottles in the car and garage in your last thread. They are portable and would have played a part in disguising the extent of his drinking.

I also think you're making a mistake not telling your dad before Christmas. This is in no way going to be the last "normal" Christmas you hope for. I'm so sorry but I'm afraid you're going to be sadly disappointed.

Thank you all. I am listening. It’s just so hard to hear.

Please bear with me and keep talking to me.

OP, I'm so sorry. Must have been a nasty shock.

It is incredibly hard to watch your relationship crumble and be powerless to do anything about it. And you won't be able to act decisively until you have reached your rock bottom - when continuing with the relationship hurts more than ending it. That point is different for each individual. With hindsight I should have realised much earlier that the problem was real, but I was the one in denial at that point in time - in denial about the fact that my marriage was not what I wanted it to be and what it needed to be.

Give yourself the time - you will know when you are ready. However, the decision - when you make it - has to be about you and your needs - not him and his problems. Because you can only help yourself.