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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thread 2: Husband's now not-so-secret drinking problem

335 replies

Stickywhitelovepiss · 14/12/2019 14:41

A thousand thanks to those who posted on my thread over the last 6 months.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3606514-Hand-hold-DH-missing-after-accident?watched=1&msgid=92322070#92322070

Short story is that husband got arrested for suspected drink driving in the middle of the day six months ago, and had muggings here believing it was all one big misunderstanding. Results have only this week been communicated - he was over the limit and is being charged accordingly.

Turns out he has been harbouring a secret drinking problem for way, way longer than I knew. In the last 6 months his drinking has escalated massively (or at least become more apparent to me), and I am under no illusions now that he is an alcoholic.

Rationally, and having read up on all the conventional wisdom on this front, I know I need to have him leave till he either sorts himself out, or we call it a day after 12 years.

Emotionally, it is tearing me in two.

I won't be making any sudden moves before Christmas, but please keep talking to me in the meantime. I'll be going to an Al-Anon this week, but right now it's you lovely nest of vipers that is keeping me sane...

OP posts:
Dapplegrey · 17/12/2019 21:28

Op I am so sorry you are going through this hell.
As other posters have said, you will find help and support in Al Anon.

JumpyLiz · 17/12/2019 21:33

Cola with wine. Think about that for a second, cola with wine.

Does that sound like someone who can drink ‘normally’ across the festive season, well normally enough anyway that no one else will notice?

RandomMess · 17/12/2019 21:34

Taken my friend 10 years and his DP shattering her leg tripping up at home pissed to reach his rock bottom, it isn't easy Thanks

TrueCrimeFan · 17/12/2019 21:39

I hold you find tomorrow helpful

Span1elsRock · 17/12/2019 21:41

www.verywellmind.com/things-to-stop-if-you-love-an-alcoholic-67300

I'm so sorry OP but sometimes you need to rip the band aid off..........

Enabling him to play the doting DH over Christmas isn't going to work. Stop putting off until tomorrow and face it today. And that means telling family and friends.

You can only save yourself here. Never forget that Flowers

FraglesRock · 17/12/2019 21:50

What did he say when you caught him.

user764329056 · 17/12/2019 21:53

Step away from the madness OP, you have to disentangle yourself from the addiction and the addiction somehow, you will drive yourself crazy

user764329056 · 17/12/2019 21:54

Sorry, I meant to say ‘addiction and addict’

CanISpeakToYourManager · 17/12/2019 22:00

What a great article.

Fleetheart · 17/12/2019 22:12

It is very hard to bear..
I do sympathise
The only way to bear it is to remove your own expectations. It really is over to him, and you need to leave him to it.... just expect that he will keep drinking, but let him know in no uncertain terms that if he does not stop you will be splitting up. It is his choice . Not yours. Please get all anon help and support as soon as you can. Or just tell some RL friends. It makes a massive difference I promise. You remove the strain of keeping this secret. It is like a weight being lifted.

user1471549213 · 17/12/2019 22:26

In my experience they rarely stop. Mil died while we were on honeymoon....no one policing her drinking, completely lost the run of herself....she never had a problem though. She drank daily, held down a job, lied constantly. Fil was also so pissed he doesn't even remember what happened really. He doesn't have a problem either. Except he does....they both did. Fil then subsequently after the funeral was diagnosed with cancer....you'd think that would.be rock bottom but no
..he took pleasure one day in telling me he was so hungover one day I had him for dinner as he'd been on a complete bender the night before. It was mothers day and I didn't want him to be alone. Missed seeing my own mother and grandmother for that. Fil is all clear of the cancer but now has COPD and continues to drink. I have very little contact with him now. DH is very scarred from their addictions. But still feels obliged to look after him. It's an awfully selfish disease.

Just showing you sometimes they never give it up, even when they've seen their partner die from it.

Coke And wine....that's a new one even on me!

user1494670108 · 17/12/2019 22:40

I'm so sorry about tonight - the thing about it is not the taste (they drink red wine and cola in Spain) but the deception- did he tell you he was struggling tonight? Somehow I doubt it.

MrsBobDylan · 17/12/2019 23:04

Hi Op,

I am the dd of an alcoholic and the things I found hardest to live with were:

  • promising he'd give up/given up then finding him drinking again.
  • drink driving. I can't forgive that. It is the ultimate act of selfishness.

You are doing really well but try not to get drawn into supporting him not to drink. He will only lie more to you and try and fob you off with what you want to hear. My fil is an alcoholic and gives me the run down of how he's cutting down every time I see him. I just zone out and nod because it means nothing.

MyNameIsJane · 18/12/2019 06:41

That article is very good. I’m so sorry that you’re having to deal with this and he’s just carrying on regardless.

Loopytiles · 18/12/2019 07:37

Yes it is good, hard to read some of it.

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 18/12/2019 07:49

I woke up this morning and he’s clearly been drinking in the night.

Going to try to pluck up the courage to go to my Dad’s on Friday after solicitors.

This will put them on the spot for Christmas though- will they even have him in their home? Might scupper plans for this year...

OP posts:
Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 18/12/2019 07:52

@FraglesRock he said “oh yes, there does seem to be wine in this glass”, as if he were Sherlock bloody Holmes solving a mystery.

I saw him put it in there with my own eyes!!

It would be comical if it wasn’t so heartbreaking.

OP posts:
Fleetheart · 18/12/2019 07:54

Sorry you are going through this. It’s really hard for you. Take heart, it’s actually harder for you at the moment as he is self anaesthetising and you are stone cold sober. Nothing changes if nothing changes, it’s up to you to start the changes
Agree that the article is spot on.

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 18/12/2019 07:55

@pointythings

And you won't be able to act decisively until you have reached your rock bottom - when continuing with the relationship hurts more than ending

This really resonates.

All that we’ve been through together over the years - from the blissfully good to the horrendously bad (family illness, bereavement, etc.) all for nothing.

I’ll be pushing 40 and washed up and alone. Not what I saw for myself even 1 month ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 18/12/2019 07:57

@Span1elsRock that is a really good article.

Thank you for sharing.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/12/2019 08:08
Thanks

Honestly you are only 40 no kids, don't want kids - do not sell yourself short!!! Even with a few years alone to "heal" there will be decent men out there if you go down that route.

Your H seems to fall into the category no it's not a secret he isn't bothering to control it anymore Sad

I think it would be good to tell your Dad, he will be a source in strength for you.

Fleetheart · 18/12/2019 08:09

My ex is actually sober now. We split up about 7 years ago. We went through a lot of what you describe before we split up. Him going to the doctor, going to AA, giving up, starting again, drinking in secret, denial, me hiding it etc etc. In the end it finally can to me (took a long long time), that I couldn’t control it, couldn’t police it, that my own life was in a roller coaster because I never knew what would happen next, whether he would be drunk or sober when I got home. In the end I detached, I said if you don’t stop you have to go. In the end he went (was not easy). He drank himself a bit crazy for a few days and then realised this was it. He was on his own. No one to care or to police any more. That was when he went to AA every day (sometimes twice a day) and really worked it. It wouldn’t have happened if he’d stayed with us. There was too much of a cushion. And for me just admitting it to everyone was liberating. It had become my own shame, shared, but I wasn’t able to do anything about it.

I agree the sober recovery forum for friends and family is very useful.
Stay strong. Realise what you can and cant do. Let him take control of his life . It is so hard I know, but pulling back is the best you can do for both of you

pointythings · 18/12/2019 08:16

You won't be washed up. You will grieve and then you will start to live life without that constant nagging fear about how he will be, how much he will drink, how much worse he will get. The lightness will come. You will become a new person and when you are at ease with yourself, you will meet someone. Probably when you are not looking.

It will take time- I am now 2 years on from starting divorce proceedings against my husband- but I know that it will happen to me. Meanwhile single is honestly not bad. For me it's freedom, happiness with my DDs, making new friends. For you it will be other things.

And at least now you know where you stand: you know he will choose alcohol over you, every time.

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 18/12/2019 09:03

Thank you all.

@Fleetheart @pointythings and others who’ve “come out” to friends and family, what were they’re reactions please?

OP posts:
pointythings · 18/12/2019 09:09

Mostly supportive reactions here. A lot of people already knew/had noticed and just needed 'permission ' to engage and support. Which they did, in a very non partisan way. Even his side of the family totally understood why I was divorcing him. My mum however was an apologist for him. But then she was an alcoholic herself, having chosen the booze after my dad was diagnosed with dementia. Alcohol killed her too, in May of this year in a drunken fall down the stairs. 4 days later she would have been sectioned.

I think most people will understand if you are honest and open. Being able to talk about it in real life is incredibly helpful.