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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thread 2: Husband's now not-so-secret drinking problem

335 replies

Stickywhitelovepiss · 14/12/2019 14:41

A thousand thanks to those who posted on my thread over the last 6 months.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3606514-Hand-hold-DH-missing-after-accident?watched=1&msgid=92322070#92322070

Short story is that husband got arrested for suspected drink driving in the middle of the day six months ago, and had muggings here believing it was all one big misunderstanding. Results have only this week been communicated - he was over the limit and is being charged accordingly.

Turns out he has been harbouring a secret drinking problem for way, way longer than I knew. In the last 6 months his drinking has escalated massively (or at least become more apparent to me), and I am under no illusions now that he is an alcoholic.

Rationally, and having read up on all the conventional wisdom on this front, I know I need to have him leave till he either sorts himself out, or we call it a day after 12 years.

Emotionally, it is tearing me in two.

I won't be making any sudden moves before Christmas, but please keep talking to me in the meantime. I'll be going to an Al-Anon this week, but right now it's you lovely nest of vipers that is keeping me sane...

OP posts:
Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 08/01/2022 13:06

@Forensicpsych thank you very much for checking in - apologies that the update is so completely pathetic!

OP posts:
HazelBite · 08/01/2022 16:10

Op I hope 2022 is a happier year for you and you can move forward, look after yourself Flowers

SnowdropFox · 08/01/2022 18:00

Just read your threads @Stickywhitelovepiss, what a difficult couple of years!

As someone late to the party so to speak, the first thing that jumps to mind is that you still haven't parted ways and he moved out. Neither of you can move on (him to either give himself the kick to get better or to unfortunately spiral and you to find out who you are now without him).

I think I read you'd been together 12 years in the first thread? So 14 now? You are not helping either one of you by allowing him to stay. Be strong, give him a date to be out which is as soon as him Mums house finances are sorted.

Forensicpsych · 08/01/2022 20:22

No need to apologise - well done for so far and good luck for the next steps! X

AnotherMansCause · 08/01/2022 22:18

Well done @Stickywhitelovepiss. I remember your first thread from fairly early on, so pleased for you that you've been so strong in such a difficult situation. Can you get your XH to start packing his stuff up under the guisenof "supporting him to move on with his life", if he won't accept this from you, is there a friend or family member he would accept this kind of help from? At least if he can start to get his head around that, the next step might seem less overwhelming for him / he may be less opposed to it.

Lifeisbeautiful01 · 09/01/2022 00:17

@peridito

I know this is probably not in line with what a lot of posters feel but I just want to say that sticky's husband isn't just someone who drinks and lies .Alcoholism is a horrible affliction and I have sympathy for anyone who is so afflicted . But of course there is more to them than the alcohol .

He's been in the Forces and has MH issuses . He no doubt lied not so much because he's someone who habitually lies and finds it easy to do so but because he was so desperately ashamed .I don't think advising the OP to threaten leaving etc unless he goes to AA etc is that helpful .

Sticky this is a ghastly thing to happen to you and must make you doubt all that has been between you and DH .I'm not saying to you that you must be a paragon of support /kindness/understanding ,you love him and this is heartbreaking .You must seek help and support for yourself .

And so must your husband ,from professionals .

If only the armed forces recognised the drinking culture they encourage and had the balls to change it. There would be many of us still married to our serving spouses if they were able to face up to the harm caused.
Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 09/01/2022 14:36

I guess what it boils down to us that, when I do have him leave, it will be the end of the journey and not the start. No longer have to contend with any of the legal or financial wrangle along with it - "just" make the break.

OP posts:
pointythings · 09/01/2022 19:00

I think the important thing is to make sure you've made the break in your head - that he is no longer in any way your problem. His circus, his monkeys. It isn't easy.

OliveToboogie · 10/01/2022 01:29

Have read both threads. Well done you have come along way. I'm an alcoholic been Sober 3 years. Hit my rock bottom on holiday got smashed on holiday made a complete fool of myself. My partner took a video to show me how awful I was. Made it very clear if I got drunk one more time he was. Off and would never return. I realised I was about to lose everything. But I had to do it for me not my partner or my children but me. 3years on we are in a great place. I'm sorry but your exh doesn't seem to want to get sober so he never will. We alcoholics are so selfish and expert liars. All that matters is the next drink. Don't let him drag you down. There is someone out there that will love you as your ex once did. Maybe he has to lose everything to find himself. Good luck.. PM me anytime you want a chat or just to rant. You are an amazing woman xx

ESGdance · 13/01/2022 01:25

Well done for making great progress. Is have posted on your threads throughout (diff name).

It’s important to keep talking about next steps to others - family and friends as they will be the catalyst for ideas to make it happen. The biggest steps you took before were telling your DF and then your DM.

Your DP is never going to comply. Don’t waste your breath. Talk to family / friend and get them to help / guide / support you - or does he have any family or friends that you could speak with.

Just take a single action - speak to someone - it will have it’s own momentum.

Are you in a bit of denial or FOG (Fear Obligation or Guilt) or reluctance?

Have you grieved for the relationship you should have had / thought you had / hoped you would have in the future?

What plans or dreams or ideas did you have of your future with him - and how will these be adapted (still achieved?) without him?

How are you going to fill the space in your life that will be freed up?

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 21/03/2022 17:38

So, I've finally managed to woman up and have him leave, after one stealth vodka binge too many yesterday afternoon.

He's gone to a hotel with instructions to sort himself out a place to live, as he won't be coming back here.

Heart is breaking, but head knows I've done the right thing. Maybe 3 years later than I should have done, but still...

OP posts:
BornBlonde · 21/03/2022 21:08

I remember your first thread. You have done the right thing, stay strong Thanks

MrsPerfect12 · 21/03/2022 21:09

Well done for all your courage over the past few years. I hope things will get easier from here. Flowers

SnowdropFox · 21/03/2022 21:50

It seems odd to say "well done" but well done for being strong and taking that step. Onwards from now on, don't be dragged back into his mess. He needs to help himself, get into rehab if necessary. Sending you strength! Flowers

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 22/03/2022 00:02

Thank you! Wouldn't have done it without Mumsnet!

OP posts:
SecondRow · 22/03/2022 07:51

Look after yourself. What a blessing that you have good friends and family around you. You have been so strong even if it doesn't always feel like it. Your thread has helped others to see clearly the progressiveness. Flowers

pointythings · 22/03/2022 08:53

Well done, this is where your new life really starts. Give yourself time for the shock and the sadness to work through, but I promise the sense of life feeling better really won't take long to come through.

crikeycrumbsblimey · 22/03/2022 09:14

Don’t judge yourself on what you didn’t do - be proud of what you have.

MalbecandToast · 22/03/2022 12:01

Well done OP. I can't imagine how hard this whole thing has been for you but your incredibly strong and with your resilience and the love and support of family you will get through this Flowers

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 22/03/2022 16:03

What is hard now is seeing his pain. I know I'll be fine. He is talking of going abroad for a few months - I hope he does.

OP posts:
pointythings · 22/03/2022 16:09

On the one hand going abroad for a while is running away - which is very typical addict behaviour. On the other hand it will be a time for both of you to let the end of your marriage sink in properly so you cand etach, which will be a good thing.

And it's hard to see his pain - but at least it's his pain now. Don't let it be yours.

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 22/03/2022 16:58

I encouraged the going away for a bit - time to decompress, in a different place (which in itself often does wonders), ponder his next steps - rather than knee jerk into a rental agreement in the area. Having a bit of healthy distance would be good.

I do feel guilty. For being part of the problem (enabling) and for not being more definitive early on. He wasn't wrong in thinking I would never actually do this - it's been three whole years on not. So a huge shock to him. But still utter denial at why it's come to pass.

OP posts:
pointythings · 22/03/2022 17:02

The feelings of guilt are normal and natural. Ending a marriage, especially if it is driven by one person, is a huge shock, no matter how justified. You'll recover from this though, and you'll find that better life without him in it. I hope you're getting some form of support.

HazelBite · 23/03/2022 14:52

Hopefully you will have a sense of peace now and you can start to make plans for your future

layladomino · 23/03/2022 17:03

You have no reason to feel bad. He lied and let you down repeatedly over several years. You stuck around because you loved him and you wanted to help. He didn't want to overcome his addiction as much as you wanted it. His addiction turned out to be stronger than his feelings for you or his wish to hold on to his old life.

You have done the right thing. Living with an alcoholic is soul-destroying, scary, confusing, you can't trust anything they tell you, you live on high alert, in fear of who might find out and what they might do.

I am many years on now and I still get nightmares where I'm told I have to go back as he's now cured, and I think 'but I know he isn't, and even if he was I don't love him anymore'.