Thread 2: Husband's now not-so-secret drinking problem

[Stickywhitelovepiss]

A thousand thanks to those who posted on my thread over the last 6 months.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3606514-Hand-hold-DH-missing-after-accident?watched=1&msgid=92322070#92322070

Short story is that husband got arrested for suspected drink driving in the middle of the day six months ago, and had muggings here believing it was all one big misunderstanding. Results have only this week been communicated - he was over the limit and is being charged accordingly.

Turns out he has been harbouring a secret drinking problem for way, way longer than I knew. In the last 6 months his drinking has escalated massively (or at least become more apparent to me), and I am under no illusions now that he is an alcoholic.

Rationally, and having read up on all the conventional wisdom on this front, I know I need to have him leave till he either sorts himself out, or we call it a day after 12 years.

Emotionally, it is tearing me in two.

I won't be making any sudden moves before Christmas, but please keep talking to me in the meantime. I'll be going to an Al-Anon this week, but right now it's you lovely nest of vipers that is keeping me sane...

Well 6 days on and am feeling strong. Staying with my lovely dad for a bit and have booked a trip abroad to somewhere I've not been before, where I'm also planning to meet an old friend who by sheer coincidence is also in that neck of the woods. Have met up with my good friend closer to home and have plans to meet up with some further friends this week. All in all, doing well - by day at least. At night it's lonely, but part of the process and not to the extent I'm caving or asking him back

He on the other hand is utterly bereft, no idea what to do with himself, still in a hotel with vague plans to go abroad but nothing concrete yet. It's going to be a very cold hard realisation for him.

Your life will get better and better. His - well, that depends on whether he realises that these are his consequences to own. Well done giving him some consequences. As well as being best for you, it's also genuinely best for him.

Great update, it's good you have support & something to look forward to

6 weeks on and still standing. Have been keeping busy - seeing friends / family, visited friends abroad (fascinating location in Middle East not visited before), boxing up all ExH's shit and generally getting the house / garage ship shape.

In the course of cleaning, I found empties in the garage, in the rafters - even behind the tank in the bloody airing cupboard. A stark reminder, just when I start missing him....

I don't miss him, of course, I just miss the idea / concept of him that wasn't a shambolic, increasingly cognitively impaired, complete utter liar, raging alcoholic.

I am sad, I am lonely, I am discombobulated. But I am strong, and I'm not going back.

Brilliant update.

This is exactly how DDs and I felt when we started clearing out my late H's stuff. Including the very many hidden stealth bottles.

Onwards and upwards!

Thank you pointythings - I really truly appreciate your and others' input to these threads and helping me see the light.

I think you've done brilliantly. You've shown so much guts, common sense and determination. May I suggest that you lurk on MN for posters in need of support in similar situations? Your experience is going to be so useful. There's a growing group of us on here supporting people living with alcoholics. It's something I do in RL as part of my support group and it's something I do online too - it feels like giving something back for all the support I got when it was me.

Great update!

Agree with this - v well done to you. I have been on your thread from the start and seen you come through this painful experience. But you are out the other side and I really hope that you don’t look back but instead choose to make up for lost time with focusing on embracing your future.

As above please share your experiences given the opportunity - pass the baton and change someone else’s life with your insights.

Well done again.

Yes, I will absolutely do this in future.