Thread 2: Husband's now not-so-secret drinking problem

[Stickywhitelovepiss]

A thousand thanks to those who posted on my thread over the last 6 months.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3606514-Hand-hold-DH-missing-after-accident?watched=1&msgid=92322070#92322070

Short story is that husband got arrested for suspected drink driving in the middle of the day six months ago, and had muggings here believing it was all one big misunderstanding. Results have only this week been communicated - he was over the limit and is being charged accordingly.

Turns out he has been harbouring a secret drinking problem for way, way longer than I knew. In the last 6 months his drinking has escalated massively (or at least become more apparent to me), and I am under no illusions now that he is an alcoholic.

Rationally, and having read up on all the conventional wisdom on this front, I know I need to have him leave till he either sorts himself out, or we call it a day after 12 years.

Emotionally, it is tearing me in two.

I won't be making any sudden moves before Christmas, but please keep talking to me in the meantime. I'll be going to an Al-Anon this week, but right now it's you lovely nest of vipers that is keeping me sane...

Most people who I spoke to were very understanding. At this point many of their own stories about friends, relations or loved ones would come out. I honestly never realised there were so many people with their own addiction tales. My Dad was more puzzling. He seemed to think I should just “put up” with it. He is old school. And also growing up with him goes some way to explaining why I had put up with such a lot in the first place!

I live in a world where people don't understand alcoholism, so telling them required a lot of explaining and teaching alongside. Which is a hassle I don't bother with for most people.

The key thing for you OP is to internalize that this is not your problem. The shame is not yours and you don't need to carry or share the shame for him.

Once you can do that then telling people is much easier. It's no different than telling people about any other disease that needs managing day to day.

Imagine Type 1 diabetes and needing to hour by hour manage blood sugar levels. Would you have an issue telling your Dad is DH had that? You'd carry no shame with that diagnosis, so I guess not. Your DH has to hour by hour manage his addiction, it's not your shame to hold. Plus you need support.

Hi OP, my dad is an alcoholic and has been for 25 years :(
AA meetings really helped me.
Sometimes I want to strangle my dad for being so selfish and ultimately drinking himself to death and other days I feel sorry for him and understand that he has tried to stop and he can’t. He’s a good man ruined by bad decisions and alcohol.

This is going to be a tough time for you as a family, and it’s honestly ok if you decide you can’t continue your relationship just as it’s ok if you decide you can stand by him.

Do you have children?
People who know about my dad often ask me how I’ve turned out so well, the honest answer is I never wanted to be like him. My mum wasn’t the best either when I was young but I determined to have a better life when I was an adult and I absolutely do. My point being if you do have children it doesn’t always impact on their lives in a highly negative way.

I really hope he can manage to sort himself out, the first step is owning it. It needs to jot be a secret, the family need to know and so do his friends. That’s one of the most important things.

Baby steps are all you need to do right now. You don't need a bigger plan than getting some support for yourself - tell your dad, go to a support meeting, see your solicitor.

I'd be concerned that if being arrested for drunk driving isn't his rock bottom, and you finding out isn't either, that he's not ready to stop drinking. Do you have a gut feeling about this? There's no point in him going along with the breathalyser and attending an AA meeting unless he truly wants to change, otherwise he's wasting everyone's time and just getting more and more used to lying to you.

The happy stories about recovery posted upthread are lovely, but unless he really wants to change they're not relevant here. Your decisions have to be based on the reality of your life today, not what ifs and how it used to be. It'll feel weird to try to think about what you want and need independently of him, but it'll probably be really useful.

You are enabling and making yourself responsible for his behaviour. He has to want to quit. Please put yourself first. Solicitor, tell people, and start being honest with yourself. Be aware that he may not change but at least he won't drag you down with him. And don't wait til after Xmas. Start now.

I wish you lots of strength and kindness. But you will find you are more resilient than you think. He will have been sapping your energy for years without you realising.

You are doing great OP.

Al anon call it “detaching with love”. This can be anything you want it to be from an emotional detachment just in tournament own head that he wouldn’t even notice to a NC divorce.

The most important thing which you have done is stop, look and listen.

You are reaching out, learning, seeking knowledge, expertise and support. It will all be the same advice and the same path for you - detaching with love - so you have changed the dynamic. What happens next, when and how is totally up to him - he can take any path - go round in circles - spiral down or claw his way out. Often many times, failed, repeated, maybe successful maybe not.

But the most important thing is that you are not emotionally on this roller coaster with him. You have “dropped the rope” - emotionally detached - not in the game anymore. It is his journey 100%.

You need support to understand how to detach and how to stay detached. To resist his cries for help, the inevitable crises, pleading, promising etc.

You will give him the greatest gift by walking away - getting to his rock bottom where he can acutely feel the pain and know that his decisions and behaviours are 100% his choice. You are not the distraction to blame.

It’s up to him once there what to do.

Tell everyone - sunlight is the best disinfectant. It is not shame - you need their support - openness and honesty is essential in life - you don’t have that in your RS with your OH - so you need it from elsewhere.

You are doing well.

?tournament ! “your”

So he figured take the breathalyzer and then drink.

I can't really get much of a sense of what's he says about this whole thing. It sounds like he's just going along with you at the moment. I can't get a sense of if he realises how much of a fuck up this? Is this his rock bottom?

I kind of didn't expect him to have just stopped like he did (or was pretending to...) I'm pretty sure I couldn't have at that point. He needs counselling and help. But most of all he has to realise he has an issue, I don't get the feeling that he's completely accepting that he is abusing alcohol and is addicted and therefore needs help. And that help means not drinking again - ever.

I don't know what is possible within finances and life etc. But because I was in a position to need a medical detox I had 10 days at home off work, fully supervised by family 24hrs a day. There was a lead up to it (reducing), I knew when it was happening, and then it was a break from standard daily life. That time was what allowed me to go back to daily life with a different rhythm and routine.

Just a thought.

Cola with wine. Think about that for a second, cola with wine.
Wow - that is truly nasty!
I'm so so sorry OP.
I'm pleased you are going to see your dad on Friday.
I really hope tonight is helpful to you as well.
Can you go to your dads on your own?
Why would you take him with you?
Get some space away from him.

I am really sorry OP - I know you were hoping that this would be a huge wake-up call and that he was totally serious with his claims that he had stopped drinking and going to AA etc etc. But now you know that he was just gaming and playing with you - he would take the breathalyzer and then figured he could drink for x-number of hours, stop and still be able to "pass" the next one.

He is very calculating and is clearly not intending to give up drinking

Still go to Al Anon tonight OP. It will help you (and ultimately him) whether you decide to leave or stay.

Did he attempt to do anything in the 6 months between being caught drink driving and the court case? Or was he just waiting for the trial to decide what to do?

Yes, go, whether or not he goes to AA. This is not something you’ll do together: he will take his decisions and actions, and you yours.

Definitely go to Al-Anon tonight. You need support more than ever. There is enormous strength in shared experience and it will leave you feeling that actually you are not alone.

I still go to my support group and my husband has been dead 15 months.

Omg I loved al Anon. Helped soooo much. Ignore the weird hand holding and you’ll be fine

I am going still for 8pm and (supposedly) so is he.

Feeling stronger today. By day I am a professional career person, believe it or not. And so - for the moment - is he. But I can and will do it alone if I have to, and lucky enough that I can pay the mortgage and bills on my own.

He and his shit are NOT going to drag me down. I’ve worked too long and hard for this to be my life now.

Well done. I felt liberated by going. Sibling tho. Not partner.

Good for you. Good luck for tonight

Good luck tonight OP

@Gutterton he did nothing - I think he hoped it would all just go away.

I’m sitting here at the church hall but no one else is here yet except a separate group doing meditation or something in the opposite room. I feel like I’m back going to Girl Guides.

It’s an 8.15 start so am early.

Looking at the tracker app on my phone, he has made it to AA.

@pointythings I’m sorry about your ex. Do you mind if I ask whether he passed away as a result of his addiction?

@theemmadilemma, he has always been an optimist to a fault - to the point of being something of an ostrich with their head in the sand.

He loves me and I know doesn’t want to lose me, and keeps saying things will get better. I think he really wants to believe he can.

Sticky my husband died of heart disease. The kind where your first symptom is often a fatal heart attack. He was living alone - we were going through the divorce process at the time - and he died alone in his flat. It was 3 days before he was found - it was very hot at the time and identification was via dental records. I found out later that our decree nisi was pronounced 12 days after his official death date.

Alcohol weakens the heart muscle, so it is very likely that it contributed. There was also a history of heart disease in his family, which put him at increased risk. He knew all this and kept drinking.

Good luck tonight

Good luck sticky. Well done for going. You've already done the hard bit by walking into the room.