Thread 2: Husband's now not-so-secret drinking problem

[Stickywhitelovepiss]

A thousand thanks to those who posted on my thread over the last 6 months.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3606514-Hand-hold-DH-missing-after-accident?watched=1&msgid=92322070#92322070

Short story is that husband got arrested for suspected drink driving in the middle of the day six months ago, and had muggings here believing it was all one big misunderstanding. Results have only this week been communicated - he was over the limit and is being charged accordingly.

Turns out he has been harbouring a secret drinking problem for way, way longer than I knew. In the last 6 months his drinking has escalated massively (or at least become more apparent to me), and I am under no illusions now that he is an alcoholic.

Rationally, and having read up on all the conventional wisdom on this front, I know I need to have him leave till he either sorts himself out, or we call it a day after 12 years.

Emotionally, it is tearing me in two.

I won't be making any sudden moves before Christmas, but please keep talking to me in the meantime. I'll be going to an Al-Anon this week, but right now it's you lovely nest of vipers that is keeping me sane...

If I tell him now, it will make it real

Hate to break it to you, but it IS real already. I understand why you want to put it off, but in reality you’re just living within your DH’s lies. That’s when boundaries become blurred.
Anyway, good luck with it all.

If you'll be seeing extended family over Christmas and New Year it's better to tell them soon so they'll know not to offer him alcohol. It'll give them a chance to get in some nice non-alcoholic drinks too.

If you're supporting him it's a good idea to get rid of alcohol from the house. You might find that after a few months without alcohol yourself you don't like it any more - to me now, after about four years, it feels like being drugged with something that makes me sluggish and wooly.

Op, am I right in thinking you have no children ?

Do you want to have them ? If so, Please do not a) have dc with this man until he is at least 2 years completely sober 2) waste away your fertile years waiting for him to change

No, no kids and never wanted any - so that's fine there.

OH always behaves himself at family or parties or events - it's at home when he shuts the door that he "let's himself go", so no worries on that particularly front. In fact, I don't think my family would have any idea whatsoever what goes on behind closed doors.

I know it's real. I just want to have one final Christmas where the family is together, without people looking at me with pity.

The thing to consider here is what having a 'normal ' Christmas is going to be like and how bad it is going to be for you. I can understand not wanting to rock the boat in an already high stress period, but how bad is hes drinking going to be? If it is bad and your dad comments, will you be able to hold it together?

Good luck whatever you decide.

That’s good about DC.

What does “behave himself” mean: drinking in apparent moderation or “only” as much as others in public? If so, then (in the short term at least) that’d enable him to drink and “be normal”, continuing to brush the issue under the carpet.

There will always be an excuse to drink.

Telling people about the problem wouldn’t commit either of you to any specific course of action - people would express opinions but it’s your life, and your decisions.

I have a close family member (in law) with an alcohol problem, which is largely ignored by most people in the family. It’s hard, and pressure from others to pretend things are “normal” is part of that.

Family may well have guessed: alcohol problems are often more obvious than we think.

He will drink on family events but in perfectly normal parameters. If it wasn't so close to Christmas now, I would not hesitate to tell family - but I can't bear everyone looking at me pityingly while studiously ignoring the elephant in the room and doing all the fake joviality towards OH, when my dad probably would want to kill him for hurting his daughter. I just don't want that pressure on my for the sake of another couple of weeks. The minute Christmas out of the way, that will be the time to do it.

You're planning on accepting an alcoholic drinking alcohol "in moderation"?

You genuinely don't see how naive you are being, do you?

Moderation will never exist for him. Ever again.

Why did you bother buying the breathalysed?

He is not drinking in moderation though, is he. You’ll just be watching him, knowing, feeling the anxiety you describe.

Sounds like you’re still deep in denial.

Is your true fear how your H will react to people knowing what’s going on and/or being asked to stop drinking?

I think this is a situation where it must be much easier being the giver of advice. Op hasn't been to al anon yet, hasn't had the chance to gather her thoughts, never mind having to change the reality of the wider family. I think it's fine to take the time you need and it's unfortunate it's Christmas with the alcohol and events that brings.

However the bit that's getting to me is you pandering to how he will feel, "he'll be mad" I think you said. Well tough shit, this is as a direct result of your alcoholism. And I think you do need to be telling people and he can deal with it. I don't believe anyone will be thinking you have driven him to drink.

Would he go to counselling, apart from aa. His past history could mean he has lots he hasn't processed.

Sorry, I've not maybe been clear.

I am not suggesting that I am alright with an alcoholic drinking in moderation - that was a clarification in response to other posters querying whether family would notice a problem or not, i.e. not from an outsider perspective, as he can drink as others would and come off as perfectly normal, where it's outside our own home, if that makes sense.

I don't think I'm in denial. Facing up to reality hurts like fucking hell. Yes, there is a part of me that still lives in hope - but not delusion here. I am not that naive! He is going to AA on the same day as I am Al-Anon, though not so much under his steam as under threat of divorce.

@Loopytiles - yes, I am concerned about his reaction, partly as he will be furious at me for letting on to our dirty little secret, and partly as my fear is the shame will drive him even further down the spiral. I should point out that when I say "furious", I don't mean in that he is abusive or anything. Even when drunk as a skunk, he's rambling and exasperating, but essentially harmless.

@FraglesRock as ever you've nailed it!

However, while he is only 3 days into being dry (that I know about), it would be expecting too much for him to be completely tee total over Christmas. As I say, no sudden moves - we'll get the ball rolling on outside help this side of Christmas, and pick up after then.

Sorry to anyone who was disappointed I didn't ring my Dad today. Ultimately, I felt this was a face-to-face conversation and maybe a couple of nights stay, which I can easily sort for the new year. Saying it over the phone just didn't feel right.

It's not about how any of us feel about the decisions you make; they're your decisions to make. It might not be the decision we think we'd make or that we did make in our own situation - but we're not you!

You've weighed it up and you're comfortable you've picked the least bad option for you in your circumstances. That's important. And feeling able to act in your own best interests rather than trying to please others is a good thing that will help you.

You’re not answerable to us, either! It won’t be an easy xmas for you in either case - this one seems easier on your H than anyone else.

I asked about denial because I remember your past threads and wondered about you waiting for “proof” when there was evidence of a problem.

Perhaps a good option, in addition to Al Anon, could be counselling for yourself, ideally from someone with specialist interest in addiction/addicts’ families. That way you won’t be entirely reliant on friends/family for support.

The motivation and action, eg AA/GP, would have to come from him to have much chance of success, and even then may not be enough for him to get and stay sober. You can only take decisions for yourself.

Hey OP, just wanted to check in (I’m the sober alcoholic from the end of the last thread) and say that I think you’re being really strong.
It’s understandable that you want to talk to your dad in person and in reality, waiting until after Christmas for the conversation will probably make little difference.
You’re going through a huge upheaval so take it easy, one thing at a time.
When I got sober I had to grieve for drinking (not everyone’s experience mind you) but I think my DH had a more difficult adjustment to make. He had to get used to a very different me and a very different relationship dynamic. I think what I’m saying is no matter what happens in the next few weeks don’t underestimate the emotional roller coaster. It’s tough and tiring and there’s no absolute “right”.

@Bodear - thank you so much for your story.

I love wine - in a “quality over quantity” sense, in that I like to visit different vineyards and different wine growing areas etc. As in “savour” not “binge”. I understand that’s an element of holidays and leisure etc. is not realistically something we can do together any more.

It would be sad for me to go fellow cold turkey for DH’s benefit, but of course I could for his sake.

In my experience it’s probably 50:50 for recovering alcoholics who have no booze in the house and those who are ok with it. It’s a very personal thing.
But, yes, it’s unlikely that your DH would want to tour a vineyard sober.
There are lots of other things you’d find together instead though.

Was thinking of you today OP and wondering how you were doing. As another poster said, you aren't answerable to either Mumsnet or your husband. Especially not at the moment!

If you do decide to confide in people IRL and he is angry about it then calmly explain that your mental health is every bit as important as his.

If he loves you as he says he does then he needs to accept you need support from people who know and love you in order to cope at the moment. If he can't grasp that then he will need to walk this journey alone.

Of course can refuse to get help (though hopefully he will go to AA) but be absolutely cannot dictate other people's reactions to his decisions.

Addiction is an incredibly complicated thing (ex addict here, drugs not drink) but I came to realise that my addiction did not give me the right to hurt people, lash out at them or assume I had an entitled right to be tolerated no matter what simply because I was so out of control.

I lost a lot of friends and burnt a lot of bridges. I'm sober now and I don't blame the ones who walked away at at all.

Please look after yourself first and foremost and do not let him make you think you are being unsupportive by prioritising your wellness

Checking in too. I'm 3 months sober today. I suggested checking the car boot on the last thread.

For me I don't like alcohol in the house. I will ignore a 1 glass single bottle that he has of a evening once a week. It's gone fairly quickly and not 'in my face'. But I could not sit and watch him enjoy a bottle of an evening. I'd be fine with wine being served for guest as well. You have to learn what you are ok with.

I wanted to add, the lies, it must be horrible to feel so deceived. I can honestly say I hated lying to people I loved, hiding this horrible secret (that wasn't as much of a secret as I thought), but it was driven by an addiction I couldn't get a handle on by myself. I don't believe myself to be a bad person.

I'm lucky that partner stood by me, helped me get the help I needed and continues to support my sobriety.

I genuinely feel for your DH. Alcoholism is a dirty, horrible, selfish thing. But I don't know any one that got to day time drinking thinking, yes, this is good, this is exactly what I wanted for my life.

I also second additional counselling, your local substance abuse service can also be helpful here. Also talking therapies - google talking therapies and your local area to access this.

Massive congratulations on three months @theemmadilemma

Well done @theemmadilemma that’s amazing. Keep it up