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Original poster

52yr old ExH having baby with GF

279 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 10:08

So this is the latest in a long line of ex husband posts from me where he just seems to be doing his utmost to destroy his relationship with our 16 year old daughter. We've been divorced for coming up for 9 years and I am happily remarried. Daughter rang me in tears last night with the news of the pregnancy. There have been comments already about the baby sharing her room if they don't manage to move house in time, and her helping to look after the baby if they need a break. I don't care what he does with his life but seriously, she is doing her A-levels the year after next and having a baby in the house (and being expected to contribute to its care) is not what she needs. I feel like this hasn't been fully thought through. I don't know what I want people to say but I feel like just telling her not to bother going to her dad's any more. She said she was going low contact but I think he bullies her into going and she then feels obligated. I'm sure she's going to be excited about having a younger sibling (she's an only child, except for step-siblings) but it just all feels a bit weird and surreal to me.

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 13/12/2019 10:12

I was about to say YABU when I saw your title but I would encourage you to support your daughter to get counselling and practice appropriate boundaries. She can say no. Helping to look after the baby - sorry I'm busy at the moment and this isnt my baby so that doesn't work for me right now. Sharing a room with an infant - I dont feel that's appropriate and it doesn't work for me so either the baby sleeps in with you or I wont be staying. They really are CFs trying to palm their baby off on a 16yr old before its even born.

Suchamess123 · 13/12/2019 10:18

I'm sorry but it's really none of your business. At 16 your daughter is old enough to decide if she wants to be around her step brother/sister or not.

You sound exactly like my husband's ex. Always telling us she doesn't care, but then poking her nose in at every single opportunity.

MMmomDD · 13/12/2019 10:19

Ok, OP. You need to take a breath and think of how to talk to both your ex and your daughter.

For starters - you have been divorced for a long time. And his decision to have a baby is his right and a happy occurrence for him and his gf.
Your daughter needs to realise that people’a lives aren’t revolving around her and it’s a selfish reaction that she is having.

That said - your ex clearly didn’t think the logistics and about his daughter’s feelings.
He also needs to realise that it’s HIM who decided to have the baby and his daughter doesn’t owe him babysitting.
This needs to be communicated very clearly to him.

As to sharing the room with the baby - it’s parent’s job, not a 16yo.
Realistically - by the time the baby is born your daughter will probably be 17, and the first year(ish) - the baby will most likely be with the mom. So - your daughter will be already finishing school and leaving.

So - you and your daughter sort of need to both communicate boundaries clearly AND also realise that her father having a baby isn’t about his relationship with his grown daughter.

Pilot12 · 13/12/2019 10:20

Maybe they are trying to make your daughter feel included and not left out and have gone a bit over the top.

A baby should sleep in the same room as it's parents for the first year and it hasn't even been born yet so it's unlikely it will really be sharing a room with your daughter, they have more than enough time to move before baby needs it's own room. Your daughter will be 18 around the time the baby is a year old, an adult and entitled to say she won't babysit without being paid or that she won't babysit at all.

Election2019 · 13/12/2019 10:20

I appreciate it must be difficult when you see your daughter upset by things like this but I do think many older siblings want to be involved when their brothers or sisters are born and far better than feeling pushed out, replaced and unwanted. If you were to have another child now, I’m sure you would want your daughter as involved as possible so she has a bond with her sibling.

By the time the baby is born and old enough to sleep in a room by his/herself her exams will probably be over.

BillieEilish · 13/12/2019 10:21

You've been divorced for 9 years and have moved on, he is only 52 and choosing to have a baby with his new partner... his DD is 16 and very soon will be starting an independent life. I really don't see the problem.

I don't really see the big deal. She doesn't have to go there if she doesn't want to. I doubt very much she will be sharing a room with a newborn, I wouldn't anticipate problems that don't yet exist!

I don't see how you think she 'is being expected to contribute to the babies care', has your ex and his GF told you this?

MissingMySleep · 13/12/2019 10:24

You're right to support your daughter as she's clearly concerned. She's probably right to be concerned! However they might move and the parents might care for their new baby without relying on your daughter more than she's wants. How about telling her to think about what does and doesn't work for her. Then she doesn't need to say anything about it to her father but if they say something about room share /babysitting she'll know what her considered position is and can tell them then. If they don't like it she can reduce contact. She may want to see them a lot now in case she doesn't reduce contact after baby is born. She may also feel differently when the baby comes (about babysitting not room share) and may want to spend time with it. Regarding room share the baby should be in with its parents, they might be talking about years from now when the baby might be 5 and your daughter might be an adult who visits occasionally.

Babyg1995 · 13/12/2019 10:24

You sound like my dps ex wife it's his choice to have another baby your daughter's reaction is selfish his life doesn't revolve around her only.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 10:24

Just to be crystal clear, I haven't 'stuck my nose in' - I haven't spoken to my ex about it, and nor do I intend to. It's his life. My only concern is the impact on her. He has a history of being extremely selfish and abusive and it is the comments about her being expected to babysit before the child is even born, and having it in her room with her, which have worried me. She told me that's what had been said to her last night when they announced the pregnancy, so that's how I know what he's expecting from her.

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 10:26

Also for further clarification, they need to move house next year to make room for the baby. He said if they don't move in time, the baby can share with my daughter. Ie when it's a newborn. I think he has his head so far up his arse that he can't see how ridiculous this is.

OP posts:
Election2019 · 13/12/2019 10:27

I think that lots of us have certain ideas and plans about things before our babies arrive and then things change. I’d just see what happens once the baby is born.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/12/2019 10:35

They'll be excited. The babysitting comment was probably lighthearted. They're intending to move but have admitted they might not move in time so the room share is a worst case scenario and presumably she only spends half her time there as a maximum anyway?

By the time the baby is ready for their own room she'll be almost 18.

You're being precious and you need to explain that in reality it's not as bad as she's making out, rather than encouraging her hysteria.

Mooserp · 13/12/2019 10:36

I think you need to be there to support your daughter, but not tell her what to do. Try to encourage her to talk to her Dad about how she feels and what her concerns are.

BillieEilish · 13/12/2019 10:36

She is just getting used to the idea that is all. As you clearly are too. You seem so angry he and his girlfriend are having a baby.

You mention he is 52, as if this is a negative.

Most posters are telling you to take a breath, this is going to be her sister or brother, it is important to encourage good relations. You need to step back a bit.

Do you have step DC's? Does she now feel pushed out by both of you? Maybe that's the reason.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 10:43

She is not in any way pushed out. Oh god this is turning into a step-parenting thread. OK whatever, I will keep my nose out (as I was intending to do anyway). I'm just concerned for my only child - she is my first priority. FWIW I think he's mental and selfish starting again at the age of 52 but it's his circus.

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 10:43

And no, I am not angry. I am flabbergasted.

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 13/12/2019 10:44

It really is none of your business and I would hope that you are not communicating your thoughts to her . She is old enough to deal or not deal with her father as to whether she wants to go or not . Your information is "hearsay" in the respect that your daughter has told you this . We all know that 16 year olds are not always the best conveyors of information ( we have one too ). Yes she has every right not to go and stay if expected to share a room with a baby - again her choice. You don't get to dictate the rest of his life and decide whether things have been thought out or not .

MarianaMoatedGrange · 13/12/2019 10:45

He's being ridiculous expecting to use his daughter as a free babysitter. Sharing a room with his newborn? I can't see 'mum' wanting this.

I did have a friend who asked to see his eldest son randomly........coincidentally when he wanted a babysitter for his DC with new partner. Eldest cottoned on and stopped going altogether.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 13/12/2019 10:48

A friend's ex - sorry!

OllyBJolly · 13/12/2019 10:48

Almost same situation although XH is a bit older!

DDs were not exactly upset when they heard of the pregnancy (probably more WTF!) but it's all worked well. It sounds like he's a much more engaged father than he was first time around, and DD2 does think of the new arrival as her sister. If anything, she gets annoyed that they are so protective of the baby and I'm sure she would love to babysit etc. DD1 isn't that interested.

Now DCs are older XH and I have very little interaction but geez, I couldn't imagine running around after a baby in my fifties (or a teenager in my sixties!).

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 10:50

chocolate why is it selfish?

you clearly are very angry. Your daughter is old enough to choose not to stay every weekend if she doesn't want to, it doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing which you seem to think it has to be.

BillieEilish · 13/12/2019 10:50

I did not say she was pushed out. I enquired as to whether you too had added to the family and she may FEEL pushed out.

Hmm

52 is not 'mental or selfish' to have a baby.

I have never been on a step parents thread.

I'm backing away slowly...

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 10:52

I think it's selfish because you may not live long enough to look after the child through to adulthood. Others may disagree but that's what I think. And in terms of her choosing to visit or not, he bullies and guilts her into going. But yes, I have to support her to say 'no' if she doesn't want to - I know that. It's not quite as simple as her cutting ties if that's what she chooses as he is very controlling.

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 10:53

And no, she is my only child. I have not added to my family. I'm 50 years old - I could not think of anything worse than starting again and having a baby.

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 10:54

presumably the childs mother is much younger, and they both knew the risks when they decided to have a baby.

Its not your child, it doesn't matter to you how long its father lives.

He cannot bully or guilt an adult into doing anything she doenst want to do.

You can support her to say no, but supports very different from encouragement. It is as simple as cutting ties if that is what she wants to do.

However, that might not be what she wants to do, like I said it doesn't have to be all or nothing. It seems you are very happy for it to be nothing.

You've been divorced for 9 years, stop getting yourself so involved.

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