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Original poster

52yr old ExH having baby with GF

279 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 10:08

So this is the latest in a long line of ex husband posts from me where he just seems to be doing his utmost to destroy his relationship with our 16 year old daughter. We've been divorced for coming up for 9 years and I am happily remarried. Daughter rang me in tears last night with the news of the pregnancy. There have been comments already about the baby sharing her room if they don't manage to move house in time, and her helping to look after the baby if they need a break. I don't care what he does with his life but seriously, she is doing her A-levels the year after next and having a baby in the house (and being expected to contribute to its care) is not what she needs. I feel like this hasn't been fully thought through. I don't know what I want people to say but I feel like just telling her not to bother going to her dad's any more. She said she was going low contact but I think he bullies her into going and she then feels obligated. I'm sure she's going to be excited about having a younger sibling (she's an only child, except for step-siblings) but it just all feels a bit weird and surreal to me.

OP posts:
BillieEilish · 13/12/2019 10:56

He might not live long enough... at 52? Grin None of us might live long enough. 72 ok too old perhaps, but 52? Really?

He's controlling and a bully? Grin OK then.

Methinks she does project too much, onto her daughter.

BillieEilish · 13/12/2019 10:58

Sorry, I thought you mentioned step siblings.

suziesue45 · 13/12/2019 10:58

My ex, DD's father, had a baby with his girlfriend last year. I'd spoken with my DD when we were told of the pregnancy just to make her aware that babies take up a lot of their parents time and are very hard work so to expect to not have his full attention. She told her father this and he went down my throat saying I was brain washing her and these things wouldn't happen. So, fast forward 18 month and my DD hates going to her fathers as she is pushed to one side, they never do anything together as her young sibling takes up all the time and she basically spends her time in her room when she is there. They never have days out and she is only welcomed when they want her to babysit. She has spoken to me and told me I was right and she wished she'd listened to me.

All we do it try to protect our children at the end of the day.

Pipstelle · 13/12/2019 11:01

This is an opportunity for your child to have a sibling someone who will be around after you're long gone. I think this could be a real positive in her life if you help her to see it that way. But as it stands you seem content for her to go no contact with her father and sibling. You're head needs a wobble OP.

BillieEilish · 13/12/2019 11:02

Yes, you definitely mentioned Step sibllings in your OP.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 11:02

Thanks @suziesue45, that's all I'm trying to do. I'm fully aware that his life is none of my business and quite frankly I don't care what he does. But this has come on top of him treating her in a very controlling way and trying to dictate what she does with her time. Examples being: 'no you can't go and meet your friends in town on Saturday as I want you to come out walking with my 50+ year old friends.' And 'I don't think you should get a part time job as it will interfere with your studies.' Yelling and swearing at her for making them late when it was actually him she was waiting for. I could go on but I won't as I'll be painted as bitter. All I care about is the way he treats her and in that respect it's just getting worse.

OP posts:
UnderneathTheMangoTree · 13/12/2019 11:03

Fwiw, I agree that having a baby at 52 is a terrible idea, and this is an opinion I have come across a lot so you are definitely not alone OP.

BillieEilish · 13/12/2019 11:05

So I presume they are your step children? Unless I have suddenly become hard of understanding.

You said she was an only child (apart from step siblings)

I suggested that maybe, as both of you had moved on, she felt pushed out. I presumed they were you step children.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 11:10

I have two stepsons, one at Uni so only one stays with us on contact days. Her dad's partner also has two kids. But this isn't really relevant as she has not been pushed out in any way. I don't consider remarrying 'adding to my family' even if my husband has kids from his previous marriage.

OP posts:
Nextphonewontbesamsung · 13/12/2019 11:13

Poor girl, it will be a big adjustment. My father had another daughter when I was 16 and I most certainly was pushed out and ignored by him after that. I don't suppose he meant to but that's what happened as in his eyes the needs and wants of a baby/toddler/young child are so much more important than those of a 16 year old you only see for 1 afternoon a week.

The bedroom sharing is utterly preposterous. Your ex sounds very unpleasant. Sympathies all round.

BillieEilish · 13/12/2019 11:13

Of COURSE it's adding to your family... you are now a blended family Hmm you have a stepson living with you.

And for the last time, I said felt pushed out, FELT.

Of course this is relevant, she is clearly feeling second best to everyone, IMHO.

BrokenLogs · 13/12/2019 11:14

he is only 52 and choosing to have a baby with his new partner... Yeah, because 52 is so young to have DC 🙄

OP you need to just be there for your DD, let her vent to you, but don't take it on. It's not for you to comment, just support here during this big transition.

BillieEilish · 13/12/2019 11:17

52 is young.

My Dsis just had a baby at 47.

I'm 49. I feel young.

52 can be a great age to have a baby. It is no more selfish than having a baby at 20 with no security or maturity or at 30 with a rocky relationship Hmm

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 11:18

whether 52 is young or not matters not a shit to op, does it?!

suziesue45 · 13/12/2019 11:18

@chocolatesaltyballs22
Its so difficult as a parent to do anything about they way our children are treat by the other parent when we are no longer together. Certainly sounds like is trying to control her as much as possible. I'm not sure what to suggest for the best. I've spoken to my daughter and told her so can actually refuse to go to her father if she doesn't want to go and I would back her as its her choice and she shouldn't be made to feel pressured by him. She did refuse to go to his one night, he was very annoyed with her but said it was her choice and she felt much better knowing she actually had a choice.

BillieEilish · 13/12/2019 11:19

Well she said he was mental and selfish, so a few of us pointed out this was not mental or selfish.

81Byerley · 13/12/2019 11:19

My first reaction was like yours, @chocolatesaltyballs22. A baby at his age? Good luck to him when the child's a teenager and he's mid sixties! I think, reading between the lines, though, it sounds as if they spoke to her as if she was a lot younger. I can imagine something like "And it'll be lovely, the baby will be able to sleep in your room... and you'll be able to babysit if we need a break!" The last bit said with humour.
I'd advise your daughter to wait and see what happens, and deal with each situation as and when it happens. And tell her none of this is her new baby brother/sister's fault, all babies deserve to be loved and wanted by all their family, and that you'll look forward to seeing her photos when the time comes. How you feel privately about it all should stay in your head.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 11:21

Thankyou @81Byerley, constructive advice.

OP posts:
buddhababy2019 · 13/12/2019 11:23

I agree in the sense that you EH shouldn't be putting it on your daughter in terms of babysitting to give them a break but I feel YABU about the new baby as a whole. It shouldn't be "surreal" to you, you've been apart for a really long time so it's really nothing to do with you anymore ☹️

BrokenLogs · 13/12/2019 11:26

52 is not young to have a DC.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 11:29

but broken its absolutely none of ops business, it isn't her child, doesn't matter to her how old her ex dh is when its born. It was an unnecessary addition to the thread, which did nothing but illustrate how unhappy she still is after 9 years of divorce.

BrokenLogs · 13/12/2019 11:33

No it's not Bollykecks which is why my advice to OP was to just be there for her DD.

But the '...is only 52...' comment when talking about having a DC is ridiculous.

5LeafClover · 13/12/2019 11:33

The bedroom sharing is utterly preposterous. Your ex sounds very unpleasant. Sympathies all round

This. It sounds like he is in the habit of telling her how it's going to be and you think she can't stand up for herself with him. I think the best thing you can do for her is to model an environment at home where she can build her skills in being assertive in a safe space. Give her 'permission' to say no with you and show her that her needs are important.

Listen to what she's saying and ask her what support she needs to make sure she is ok.

areyouafraidofthedark · 13/12/2019 11:35

Your daughter can still see her dad but not stay over. Try and give her some tools to be able stick up for herself when it comes to her father.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 11:36

Let me be clear - the only reason I am unhappy is because of the way my daughter's dad treats her. Let me set the scene for you. I left my ex because he was abusive and pushed me around when he felt I was stepping out of line. He has since started repeating this behaviour with my daughter - ok he hasn't got to the stage of pushing her around yet but he is trying to control her life at the age of 16. I am 50 and menopausal. Even if I wasn't, I would have no desire to have another child at my age, or even at the age when I met my husband 7 years ago when I was still able to. This is not jealousy or bitterness, merely concern for my daughter. As PP have said, they have been in this situation and their child has been pushed out of the picture. Thankfully she will be at Uni in a couple of years and this will all become a bit irrelevent but until then I intend to protect her.

OP posts: