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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

52yr old ExH having baby with GF

279 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 10:08

So this is the latest in a long line of ex husband posts from me where he just seems to be doing his utmost to destroy his relationship with our 16 year old daughter. We've been divorced for coming up for 9 years and I am happily remarried. Daughter rang me in tears last night with the news of the pregnancy. There have been comments already about the baby sharing her room if they don't manage to move house in time, and her helping to look after the baby if they need a break. I don't care what he does with his life but seriously, she is doing her A-levels the year after next and having a baby in the house (and being expected to contribute to its care) is not what she needs. I feel like this hasn't been fully thought through. I don't know what I want people to say but I feel like just telling her not to bother going to her dad's any more. She said she was going low contact but I think he bullies her into going and she then feels obligated. I'm sure she's going to be excited about having a younger sibling (she's an only child, except for step-siblings) but it just all feels a bit weird and surreal to me.

OP posts:

poinsettapot · 13/12/2019 12:38

Gosh OP I would be really sad that my dd gained a half sibling when you thought that wouldn't happen in a million years and I get that you're in shock.

However if you can get over your shock and tell dd that it's a bit selfish to think this is an awful thing to happen things could actually work out nicely. My dad is nearly 39 and I am 33 I even have a younger sister! This was his third marriage and he has dc from the previous 2! . My dad is fit healthy and runs up and down the stairs easily in fact having dc so much later probably aided him staying with it. My dh dad died 59 when dh 25. You can't predict these things so I'd stop being a little bit mean about his age. I doubt he's ready for the Zimmer frame just yet!

Anyway I am one of 6 with 4 half siblings. We all know each other and get on fine. And this is honestly so much nicer than detesting each other's existence.
Your dd should absolutely refuse to babysit if she doesn't want to and should be 18 by the time this really has much effect on where she sleeps but you can help this situation and set her straight that perhaps gaining a sibling won't be the worst thing.

poinsettapot · 13/12/2019 12:39

Sorry dad is 89!

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 12:41

erm Christmas who are you referring to there because I certainly don't.

"they are twats who cant be assed to look after their own kid" - care to explain how you know that? the baby isn't even born yet so i'd love to hear some evidence of that other than 1 flippant comment.

Op cant say "you cant see your daughter unless its away from your own house" because the daughter is 16. Have you heard yourself?

and yes, moving a cot every weekend is entirely illogical. Have you ever met a baby?

diddl · 13/12/2019 12:44

I will never understand that an abusive man is allowed to see his kids.

Often wives have struggled to get away, yet young kids are expected to be able to visit & deal with it!

diddl · 13/12/2019 12:45

If she really does want to go low contact then you should help her to, Op.

Cheeseandwin5 · 13/12/2019 12:46

Sorry, I know on MN's there are plenty of people who will jump on any accusations of control and bullying to proclaim guilt on the man, but I honestly dont believe that is the case. Your earlier post shows that the problem lay squarely on your shoulders, instead of supporting and reassuring your daughter about the on coming arrival, you seem to have decided to pour petrol on it. Your hatred and loathing shines through and I have no doubt it has effected your daughter too.
His age for having the baby is the most ridiculous point and has nothing to do with you at all. After being lambasted you have then started to drip feed negative points that really would have been said in the initial post if they were true.
You can feel and do what you like, and I am sure despite your actions you will feel like the victim, but please try to remember everything has consequences and I am afraid it will be your daughter who suffers the most.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 12:48

Right, now you're accusing me of lying. Believe me, I would not make this shit up. I wish it weren't true. I just didn't want war and peace which would bore people.

OP posts:

Cocomobile · 13/12/2019 12:49

Havent read the full post, so sorry if you’ve already said this.

I would encourage you to try your best to be positive about the new baby, so that your daughter can have a good relationship with their new half-sibling. It would be a huge shame if she held bad feelings towards the baby and missed out on a potentially hugely enriching relationship.

Help her to establish her own boundaries. Let her have distance if she wants. Tell her it’s ok to say no, regardless of what XH says to her. Never bad mouth your XH or the new child or the situation to your DD.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 12:49

who's accusing you of lying?

ChristmasSweet · 13/12/2019 12:51

*erm Christmas who are you referring to there because I certainly don't.

Op cant say "you cant see your daughter unless its away from your own house" because the daughter is 16. Have you heard yourself?

and yes, moving a cot every weekend is entirely illogical. Have you ever met a baby?*

There are people saying it's got nothing to do with op and she should stay out of it. Stay out of her daughter being used and treated badly? Would you sit back and allow that?

They have said they want her to babysit when they are wanting a break. If they are already planning breaks when the baby isn't even born yet, that's not a good sign of a good parent. Nor is an abusive dad, but maybe that is a good sign to you?

And cots aren't heavy. You could drag it into another room. Hardly difficult.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 12:52

After being lambasted you have then started to drip feed negative points that really would have been said in the initial post if they were true.

And if my hatred and loathing does shine through, that's because I endured years of abuse and control. Who would not loathe a man like that, who then tries to treat his daughter in the same way? But it's my fault, obvs, for marrying him in the first place.

OP posts:

fuckingwhat · 13/12/2019 12:52

Ignore it op. It's really sad when someone speaks about their partner/ex partner having been abusive and people pipe up with 'I don't believe you'.

Not everything is a drip feed as people love to put it. Sometimes there's context and just discussing through an issue. But of course if you don't explain your entire life story and relationship in the first post then you're a drip feeding liar.

Cocomobile · 13/12/2019 12:52

You nor your DD can change what your XH does. You can of course make suggestions, but it’s merely that, a suggestion. He has no obligation to follow it, regardless of whether it clearly is the ‘best way’ of doing something or not.

So let go of the ideas of how things ‘should be’. They are how they are; it’s up to you to help your DD find her best way to navigate through it.

Sandals19 · 13/12/2019 12:53

Some of the replies in this thread are mind boggling.

Your dd should not be expected to be a free baby sitter. Make it clear to her she doesn't have to ever look after her half sibling unless she chooses to (and not under pressure).

Also proposing she share a room with a baby is utterly ridiculous.

First of all, the baby should share a room with parents for at least the first 6 months and secondly; even if they choose to sleep separately from their baby, they have absolutely no right to inflict the sleep interruption and deprivation typically inflicted by a baby on anyone else, lef alone a young at a crucial time in he'd education.

Your ex sounds like a total twat (and yes clearly found himself a new partner on his level).

Sandals19 · 13/12/2019 12:53

*her

Sandals19 · 13/12/2019 12:54

*young person

IlluminatiParty · 13/12/2019 12:56

I can imagine your 16 year old is anxious and I do think he sounds controlling. If she wants to be at yours full time I would really step in to make that happen, using the confidence you have to confront him which she hasn't yet got.

Have you considered that it might be what he actually wants as it would free up a room so no move needed? If he's manipulative then that would be textbook and he could claim moral high ground as the cherry "but we WANTED you to stay!"

If this isn't his motivation you can point out the advantage of her bring at yours.

Even if manipulating is likely I'd get her out anyway and leave them to it, and help her focus on exams spread her wings a bit in peace.

If he turned abusive after she was born he may get nastier after this arrival, another reason to help her get out if that's what she's wanting...

Cocomobile · 13/12/2019 12:58

Ok so I’ve now read most of the thread. Lots of bad history with your XH. Will be very challenging, but I still think it’s really important to not let your (well justifies) ill feelings towards XH be shown to DD. You can only just be there for her when she needs support. She wants to have a relationship with her dad, at least for now. Just teach her that sometimes people can be wrong and do bad things, so that if XH treats her badly she doesn’t internalise it/blame herself

Clymene · 13/12/2019 12:59

I would walk away from this thread OP. People are clearly in a fighty mood and putting their own spin on things in a really unhelpful way.

MN - supportive to parents. Hahaha

Cocomobile · 13/12/2019 12:59

Be there for her when things go wrong, because it sounds like they definitely will given how you describe him

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 13:04

There are people saying it's got nothing to do with op and she should stay out of it. Stay out of her daughter being used and treated badly? Would you sit back and allow that?

her daughter isn't being treated badly, the baby hasn't even been born yet.

it was a flippant comment, not a sign of an abusive or bad parent.

She could. She could stand up for her daughter and tell him that he is making her uncomfortable so she won't be coming round anymore. You gonna leave a 16 year old to be yelled at by her dad for not doing what he demands? she would get laughed at, her 16yo should be making her own decisions - how do you know he is going to yell at her ffs?

And cots aren't heavy. You could drag it into another room. Hardly difficult

we have to take our cot entirely to bits to get it out of the bedroom....

Cocomobile · 13/12/2019 13:04

Everything I’m saying is what I believe is the best for your DD.

Perhaps you could even see a counsellor with your DD to talk about this all? It’s so hard to be impartial when you’ve had such terrible history with a person

And no, his behaviour is absolutely not your fault.

patchworkpatty · 13/12/2019 13:05

I too could think of nothing worse than a baby in my 50's but this isn't about you. I would assume his gf is a lot younger and absolutely thrilled. Be happy for them .

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 13:06

@bollykecks you clearly haven't read my other updates. I am anticipating what he will be like based on past behaviour. And no, I'm not lying about any of it.

Counselling might be a good call @cocomobile.

OP posts:

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 13:07

chocolate you can anticipate, that's fine, and you can support your daughter which is 100% what you should be doing, but you need to let her make her own decisions.

I haven't said you're lying about any of it, so not sure why you're targeting me specifically with that.

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