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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

52yr old ExH having baby with GF

279 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 10:08

So this is the latest in a long line of ex husband posts from me where he just seems to be doing his utmost to destroy his relationship with our 16 year old daughter. We've been divorced for coming up for 9 years and I am happily remarried. Daughter rang me in tears last night with the news of the pregnancy. There have been comments already about the baby sharing her room if they don't manage to move house in time, and her helping to look after the baby if they need a break. I don't care what he does with his life but seriously, she is doing her A-levels the year after next and having a baby in the house (and being expected to contribute to its care) is not what she needs. I feel like this hasn't been fully thought through. I don't know what I want people to say but I feel like just telling her not to bother going to her dad's any more. She said she was going low contact but I think he bullies her into going and she then feels obligated. I'm sure she's going to be excited about having a younger sibling (she's an only child, except for step-siblings) but it just all feels a bit weird and surreal to me.

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 14/12/2019 16:16

Heavens this turned into a bun fight.

OP I agre having a baby at 52 is a bit selfish.

I agree your daughter should not be expected to care for a new brown overnight when it’s parents are asleep I. The next room. I assume she only stays p e or toe nights a week - she will be 17 so the easy thing will be for her to only visit during the day. Lots of older siblings help out with little ones, so she should be ok with doing a little bit of babysitting.

Anyway she will be an adult when he child turns one.

I do wonder where the baby’s mum is in all this. In my experience very few mums would allow a teenager to look after their newborn through the night while they slept. Seems like a stupid throw away comment for the dad.

Support your daughter and make sure she has the strength to say no.

thekaiserswife · 14/12/2019 16:23

I cannot believe how posters have turned on the OP. So unnecessary, I can only think there are some very bitter stepmothers on here projecting their own struggles into the OP.

My advice to the OP would be get your DD some counselling, to help her deal with her complicated relationship with her selfish DF. Also, it will help her set clear boundaries and protect herself from being manipulated by him. With the correct boundaries in place she will probably learn to love her new sibling and get a whole lot of joy out of the relationship.

chardonm · 14/12/2019 16:24

OP I am with you. I would find this so weird and disturbing.

peonypower · 14/12/2019 16:25

peony wow that says a lot about the bf as a person. Even if he wasnt happy it wasnt the babies fault! What kind of arsehole doesnt at least realise that as an adult.

I'm sure. But having your family blow up can impact badly on children. And I say this as a child of divorce who is relatively unscathed.

As an adult he should have of course been more understanding but I can really feel for the hurt and confused 13 year old who had seen his dad leave for someone else and start a new family. I completely blame the father.

namechange4052 · 14/12/2019 16:27

I think that it's up to him and his wife if they want to have a baby, and that their decision is really nothing to do with you. 9 years on, you are still over invested in your ex and his life, and masquerading as a concerned parent doesn't wash given that you are fuelling the fire and whipping yourself up into a frenzy about him. So your daughter is going to be a big sister and might have to share her room. So what? It's happening to other children up and down the country, without the hysterics. You should be encouraging your daughter to feel excited about her little brother or sister, not encouraging her to feel bitter.

hsegfiugseskufh · 14/12/2019 16:28

I can only think there are some very bitter stepmothers on here projecting their own struggles into the OP

Or we just think that its a bit of an over reaction at 2 comments - one of which was a "might" anyway!

Op is right to be concerned with the abuse but considering the baby has a mum i honestly cant see that the dd will become an unpaid nanny based on one comment from her dad.

hsegfiugseskufh · 14/12/2019 16:29

Ofc i can understand a 13 year old feeling hurt (i cant understand wanting to kill babies) but at 32? That says more about him than the brother. Hes chosen to take it out on the wrong person.

Iloveacurry · 14/12/2019 16:43

Your poor daughter. Please ignore some of the awful comments on here. Your daughter shouldn’t be expected to help with the baby overnight, totally outrageous suggestion by her father. That’s his job and the girlfriend’s. They’re the parents!

hsegfiugseskufh · 14/12/2019 16:46

Your daughter shouldn’t be expected to help with the baby overnight, totally outrageous suggestion by her father
Can you point out where hes even suggested that?

Lucylou321 · 14/12/2019 16:51

It sounds to me like a classic case of child with divorced parents going between the 2 houses and shit stirring at each! She's probably told both parents what they want to hear. She's probably well aware that her mum hates her dad and is still bitter and angry towards him and saw it as an opportunity to cause drama as she sounds like she's probably caught in the middle. They've probably tried to make her feel included and excited and she's managed to twist it to piss her mother off. Just the impression I got...

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 14/12/2019 17:15

Oh I do love how some of you appear to know my daughter and my ex husband better than I do.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 14/12/2019 17:23

All you can do is support her and let her know she can say no to this man.

Some odd responses on this thread. I guess it's almost normal for people to make badly thought out decisions when it comes to second families and we expect kids to be able to suck it up.

hsegfiugseskufh · 14/12/2019 17:28

chocolate with all due respect you dont know that hes absolutely 100% going to turn your daughter into an unpaid nanny do you? You dont know whether they will move house in time. You dont know whether the gf even knows he said any of this or if she wants your daughter to become a third parent (because i bet she doesnt!)

Youve heard 1 thing from your daughter and gone into panic stations which given the history i totally understand. But none of this might even happen. You and your daughter dont need to sit worrying about what might happen in 6 months.

Why not use that time to try and build her confidence instead? Dwelling on possibly this and possibly that isnt going to do her any favours.

TryingToBeBold · 14/12/2019 17:50

Your daughter doesn't have to go if she doesnt want to?
Screw the guilt trips.. make her see through them?!

Sandals19 · 14/12/2019 19:00

It sounds to me like a classic case of child with divorced parents going between the 2 houses and shit stirring at each! She's probably told both parents what they want to hear. She's probably well aware that her mum hates her dad and is still bitter and angry towards him and saw it as an opportunity to cause drama as she sounds like she's probably caught in the middle. They've probably tried to make her feel included and excited and she's managed to twist it to piss her mother off. Just the impression I got...

ShockConfused

Wtaf.

Livelovebehappy · 14/12/2019 21:38

52 is too old to start a family. But, his prerogative. I understand your concerns op, which come from a place of worry about your daughter and how this will affect her. You can only be there for your dd to reassure her - it’s obviously a big thing for her to adapt to, but kids are resilient and she will be fine. Btw, don’t take too much notice of the second wives on here who will try to project bitterness of their own situations onto you - they’ve popped on from the echo chamber known as ‘stepmum’ forum. Must be too quiet on there tonight.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 14/12/2019 21:51

Can I just say that I am also a second wife, and a step mum! But I like to think that I'm not such a saddo that I have to stick the boot into others. Peace and love, people 🍷🎄

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 14/12/2019 21:52

live what projection are you talking about?

Also the step parents board is far from an echo chamber. Its become a place where the ex wives club go to stick the boot in and make themselves feel better. Its not a place id go for support or advice. There are a few good posters about though.

windycuntryside · 14/12/2019 21:57

It’s awful to have to share a room with a baby, at any age (even for parents Grin) just joking btw.
So perhaps it was a clumsy remark, same for babysitting. She can always say no and it seems to me a perfect time for you to discuss boundaries and courage to speak up for what your dd wants.

Yabvu about the age comment, if a parent is loving and attentive only having them in your life for 10 years is a better than a lifetime of cunty parents who don’t give a shit about you.

RainMinusBow · 14/12/2019 21:58

Similar situation here but from a different perspective...

I have been divorced for five years (separated for longer) and have two boys from my first marriage - they are now 9 and 12. I have had them exactly 50:50 since the ages of just 3 and 6 (not my choice, court enforced). My ex is a controlling narcissist and I suffered years of abuse (all except physical).

I'm 39 now and 16 weeks' pregnant with my fiance. It will be his first child.

Since finding out about the pregnancy my ex has gone nuts. He has told me in no uncertain terms I am "mentally damaging" the boys and that I can now expect to go back to court as he will be applying for more custody as a result.

He has put the fear of God into the kids, saying things like the baby is bound to be disabled due to my age (he didn't use that term but I can't bear to type his actual words) and that my eldest son will fail all of his exams if he stays will us as there will be a toddler in the house when he takes his GCSES. He says the baby will be "thick as " because my fiancé didn't go to uni and that the boys are not related to the baby anyway (!!)

We currently live in a three-bed although we intend to move if we can when the baby is around 1. We have assured the boys they will continue to have their own bedrooms as the baby will be in with us.

I'm not for one second saying the OP is in the realms of my ex but ateotd I feel my pregnancy is nothing to do with him.

OP - your daughter is old enough to make decisions about who she spends her time with so my advice would be don't worry too much but let her make her own choices without trying to sway her in any way.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 14/12/2019 22:02

@RainMinusBow I haven't even spoken to my ex about the baby and I don't intend to. What your ex has done is clearly out of line. Please don't think I'm like that.

OP posts:
RainMinusBow · 14/12/2019 22:08

@chocolatesaltyballs22 Oh please don't think for one second I'm saying you are. I'm saying try not to worry as your daughter is old enough to make her own decisions if she does feel put upon when the baby arrives. My eldest (12) was upset when we told him the news at first (he knew his dad would go mad), but we have given him loads of reassurance and he seems much happier.

He's still not 100% convinced but has said he'll see how things are when baby is here. If there is anything we can do to support him then of course he knows he just needs to ask Smile

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 14/12/2019 22:11

Thanks.... Yes she is old enough to decide for herself what to do. We've both had time to reflect on things and we have a plan of action. We're all good.

OP posts:
Sandals19 · 14/12/2019 23:07

Good to hear op.

TheABC · 14/12/2019 23:13

Mmmnn. At the end of the day, she has you along with her own place to escape to, when studying for exams. In some ways, this issue will only be a problem for the next two years as she moves on to uni or college or into a job. It's a natural breakpoint that will also change her relationship with her father. He can't demand regular weekly contact from an adult, living in another town!