Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

52yr old ExH having baby with GF

279 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 10:08

So this is the latest in a long line of ex husband posts from me where he just seems to be doing his utmost to destroy his relationship with our 16 year old daughter. We've been divorced for coming up for 9 years and I am happily remarried. Daughter rang me in tears last night with the news of the pregnancy. There have been comments already about the baby sharing her room if they don't manage to move house in time, and her helping to look after the baby if they need a break. I don't care what he does with his life but seriously, she is doing her A-levels the year after next and having a baby in the house (and being expected to contribute to its care) is not what she needs. I feel like this hasn't been fully thought through. I don't know what I want people to say but I feel like just telling her not to bother going to her dad's any more. She said she was going low contact but I think he bullies her into going and she then feels obligated. I'm sure she's going to be excited about having a younger sibling (she's an only child, except for step-siblings) but it just all feels a bit weird and surreal to me.

OP posts:
Clymene · 13/12/2019 11:36

It doesn't do anything if the sort @Bollykecks Hmm

The OP is reacting to her daughter's distress. Quite rightly.

FGS, this place is increasingly full of people who take great pleasure in being really bloody unpleasant.

LemonTT · 13/12/2019 11:37

You don’t know what was said to your daughter. She’s 16 and she has a mother who clearly loathes her father. Its not difficult to imagine that she gets value out of telling you tails of woe at her fathers house.

As so many pp have pointed out the baby will be in with the parents for the most part. The family are moving anyway and it’s just a matter of time until they have more space. But in the meantime like many families they might need to flex living arrangements. That’s life for a lot of kids and a lesson in life for your child.

The bottom line is that she is part of a family that you are not part of. The parents make their rules and life decisions for their family. Your judgement is unnecessary and unhelpful in your daughters development and relationship with her other family.

purplelemonorange · 13/12/2019 11:41

Well you know him better than any of us, so if you say he's a controlling and abusive ass I believe you. How often does she stay there?

Bullying and manipulation is not ok. I would be encouraging her to answer him via text about when she wants contact with him, and to ignore any bullying or shut it down firmly. You'll need to help her with this.
Sharing a bedroom and looking after the baby because that's what he wants is ludicrous. If she goes there and the baby is in her room then she needs to leave.

Luckily op she's at an age where she can vote with her feet. She just needs the confidence to do so. I agree with a pp about counselling for her so she can learn to assert herself. If she's grown up with him bullying her it would also be helpful for her to have counselling so she doesn't end up in relationships where she can't set boundaries as well.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 11:42

@clymene what?

the op is encouraging her daughters "distress" instead of being supportive, in my opinion. She seems to think the daughter needs to cut ties and wants to help her do that, when a happy medium might be for her daughter to see her dad and sibling on her terms.

Op says dad is controlling, I have a sneaky feeling op is a little controlling of her only child, too.

the daughter needs to work this out for herself. She is 16. She doesn't need mummy telling her what to do.

rwalker · 13/12/2019 11:43

They are looking to move so sharing would be short term and also baby probably in with them.
Could the baby sitting remark be a way of making sure she's involved and not pushed/out or replaced by new baby.

With the greatest respect I get the impression nothing he would do would be right in your eyes.

purplelemonorange · 13/12/2019 11:44

A newborn and a 16 year old sharing a room is not a 'flex living arrangement'. They will be new parents, not her. The parents share a room with the baby.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 11:47

purple they say theyre moving soon so its likely it wouldn't happen anyway. I assume the baby would be in their room for the first 6 months anyway.

I also presume the daughter doesn't live with them FT, so should the baby not have a room so a 16yo can visit every 2 weeks or whatever?

selmabear · 13/12/2019 11:47

Your daughter is 16 and has her own mind, support her decisions bit I wouldn't get involved and say anything to your ex. My guess is she's probably upset over the announcement of the pregnancy rather than the comments made. I'm sure it is a massive shock for her. Things will settle once she processed the news and all that upset will turn to excitement. I wouldn't worry.

purplelemonorange · 13/12/2019 11:51

Well yeah, because it was already her room. If the baby is in their room for 6 months then why do they need her room?

LemonTT · 13/12/2019 11:53

I didn’t say that the flex was the baby being in with the 16 year old at night. That’s daft but they could share a room, not at the same time. I assume the daughter is only there sporadically. We don’t know what the parents have proposed and neither does the OP. We don’t know how this conversation went.

We have a second hand version that I think is an exaggeration of the reality.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 13/12/2019 11:55

The baby isn't even here yet , when he/ she is your daughter can simply say ' no ' to babysitting and room sharing.

dontgobaconmyheart · 13/12/2019 11:55

Are you sure it wasnt just a throwaway comment OP, it is second hand information after all. I'd wait and see what actually happens before making a huge drama put of this and advise your 16 year old DD to do the same. She may like having a sibling when it comes and is old enough to not stay there, come home, or not babysit if she doesn't want to Confused

Your opinions (which you keep saying you don't have, and then giving) are irrelevant. He is worh someone else and they are planning their life. What you think of it doesn't matter. 52 is obvioulsy not young for DC but you are being deluded if you think everyone who has one younger is guaranteed a long and successful life with their DC Confused. You realise ill health can strike at any time, as can death, and it does for many. He may outlive you OP- that doesn't mean you should have had your DD 10 years prior in efforts to not be selfish and be alive in her adulthood.

Wanting to protect your daughter is natural but the beat way to do that here is to reassure her they likely didn't mean it, she never has to do it, should discuss this with her father and include positive messages about the new sibling she will have, a relationship she might enjoy in the years to come when both her parents are gone. Rather than set the tone as negative before it's even born (obviously her DF is contributing if what she says is true). Shemay go to uni but she will still be home every 5 minutes, life doesn't change that much as they're only there 9 months a year OP, you make it sound as though you hope as soon as she is off to uni you hope she goes NC.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 11:56

purple if they haven't moved yet they will need "her" room. She doesn't live there FT, prioritizing a 16yo who doesn't live there anywhere near FT over a baby who does, is frankly batshit.

Lweji · 13/12/2019 11:58

The main role for you should be to support her emotionally and in any decisions.

No need for her to ring you in tears, just because they are going to have a baby in several months. It seems like a massive teenage overreaction and you'd do well to take what she tells you with a pinch of salt, unless you witness it.
Make sure you don't add to her reacting badly to her dad.

BillieEilish · 13/12/2019 12:00

Can I please point out I said '52 is young' as I am 49 and feel young and healthy and fit. My Dsis just had a baby at 47.

I did not say 'it was young for DC'

I did say it could be a great age to have DC though, for many reasons. Nothing is guaranteed.

The OP made his age the title of her post, she was out to shock about his age. She expected us all to agree.

I do not.

52 IS NOT OLD!!

FoamingAtTheUterus · 13/12/2019 12:01

I think you're being a drama Queen to be honest and not doing your dd any favours.......jibes about babysitting etc are pretty normal. If she's anything like the teenagers I know she'll soon learn to cash in in return for babysitting.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/12/2019 12:03

How does your husband feel about you not considering your step sons as part of your family?

Are you upset your ex and his wife will be more of a family unit as they’ll have a child together?

You’re giving this all a lot of head space. If your ex is the abusive, callous, terrible bastard you say he is I think a new baby is the least of your DD’s worries.

Musti · 13/12/2019 12:05

I think you're adding fuel to the fire. If it was me, I'd have said how exciting. A little baby that you can sometimes look after. I'd have loved a baby sibling at 16. If it interferes with her studies then she can simply say that she'll only pop for a little visit as she can't study when she's there. Wont the baby sleep with its parents to begin with anyway?

Any new baby brings disruption but also positives. Kids get baby siblings all the time. You've been split a long time. Be positive for your daughter's sake and only if you see it adversely affecting her should you say something.

Honeybee85 · 13/12/2019 12:06

I understand you OP.

Your daughter has every right to say no to babysitting and it’s utterly ridiculous of them to expect her to share a room with a newborn.

Is there any possibility that she moves in with you? I think I wouldn’t want to stay there anymore in her shoes.

purplelemonorange · 13/12/2019 12:07

Taking away your child's room (no idea why you've "" it) is what's batshit. Whether or not she's there FT it's still supposed to be her home. This is the kind of shit you think of before you have a baby. If they're moving they don't need the room anyway. A newborn doesn't actually need a bedroom.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 12:07

honey she does live with op, doesn't she?

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 12:08

purple errrrm they clearly have thought about it condering they're moving house!!

a baby needs a bedroom in the house it lives in FT after 6 months.

a 16yo who visits on a weekend can either cope with sharing a room for however long it takes to move house, or just go for tea instead.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 12:09

and nobody is "taking her room away" are they

they have said she MIGHT have to share until they move.

Besidesthepoint · 13/12/2019 12:09

I think it's selfish because you may not live long enough to look after the child through to adulthood.

The average lifespan is 80 odd years. And it has a mother as well.

TheStuffedPenguin · 13/12/2019 12:10

@chocolatesaltyballs22

this has come on top of him treating her in a very controlling way and trying to dictate what she does with her time. Examples being: 'no you can't go and meet your friends in town on Saturday as I want you to come out walking with my 50+ year old friends.' And 'I don't think you should get a part time job as it will interfere with your studies.'

You see you also want to dictate what she does and doesn't do when she is with him . From this I would say that this is actually an active father who doesn't just want his daughter hanging out in town with friends . (Some mothers would be moaning about this ) and fine if he doesn't want her working because if her studies then he will have to make up her financial shortfall ( if both you and he are unwilling to ) . I would say that "controlling " in those examples are actually potentially positive things .

Swipe left for the next trending thread