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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

52yr old ExH having baby with GF

279 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 10:08

So this is the latest in a long line of ex husband posts from me where he just seems to be doing his utmost to destroy his relationship with our 16 year old daughter. We've been divorced for coming up for 9 years and I am happily remarried. Daughter rang me in tears last night with the news of the pregnancy. There have been comments already about the baby sharing her room if they don't manage to move house in time, and her helping to look after the baby if they need a break. I don't care what he does with his life but seriously, she is doing her A-levels the year after next and having a baby in the house (and being expected to contribute to its care) is not what she needs. I feel like this hasn't been fully thought through. I don't know what I want people to say but I feel like just telling her not to bother going to her dad's any more. She said she was going low contact but I think he bullies her into going and she then feels obligated. I'm sure she's going to be excited about having a younger sibling (she's an only child, except for step-siblings) but it just all feels a bit weird and surreal to me.

OP posts:
AllideasAndNoAction · 13/12/2019 13:07

FWIW I think he's mental and selfish starting again at the age of 52 but it's his circus.

So do I. Having a much younger second wife who is determined to have children with you really isn't all it's cracked up to be. The poor bloke will be on his knees with exhaustion and an empty bank account at 65 with no real end in sight. Especially if there's more than one child. Just as he starts to see all his peers being able to take things a bit easy, no mortgage, plenty of holidays, lots of spare time etc.

I've seen it happen to several friends. They've been made redundant and they really struggle to get a job on the sort of salary they need to maintain their existing lifestyle while they still have young kids in school. It's incredibly stressful for them and in different circumstances they could have opted for early retirement or taken a huge pay cut and a much less senior position. Made their redundancy cheque last a long time by living a simple life, downsizing etc.

No such luck for the poor bastard pushing 60 with a 40 year old wife and two kids who aren't even in high school yet, as well as older children who he might still be paying maintenance for and supporting through university.

He'll regret it. But he'll never be able to say that out loud.

ChristmasSweet · 13/12/2019 13:07

Bollykecks I am hoping that you have just simply missed the ops updates on page 4 where she said that he has screamed at and sworn at his own daughter. If you have seen it, and think that's OK, I feel sorry for your kids. But I am assuming you missed it because surely you're not that cruel.

LemonPrism · 13/12/2019 13:08

Oh god. I would've been heartbroken by this.

I'd be contacting them and making them know that under no circumstances, except some possible light babysitting which she's paid for if she wants to, will she be helping to care for the baby. They chose to have one not her. Also, the baby should stay in their room not bloody hers - she's their teenager not a night nurse to be woken all night. Don't most people struggle to function with a newborn in the room let alone pass exams?? Tell him not to pressure her.

Also let her know that if it gets too much over there she can stay at yours as much as she wants.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 13:09

Christmas

when have I said its ok? ive said her daughter needs to make her own decisions, if she thinks hes abuse and treats her badly, she needs to make the decision to walk away.

its not her mums place to start kicking off about it and imposing conditions on her dad about only seeing her away from his home.

its up to the daughter, and if he then kicks off at her, she would be well within her rights to not speak to him and for op to step in and say shes made up her mind, leave her alone, that's that.

its not ops battle to fight, frankly the baby is a red herring in all of this.

fuckingwhat · 13/12/2019 13:10

@ChristmasSweet they didn't miss it. They wrote 'drip drip drip'.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 13:10

fuckingwhat well op was drip feeding - it doesn't change my opinion that its still the 16yos decision to make.

ChristmasSweet · 13/12/2019 13:11

How can a 16 year old do that? Are you actually saying if your 16 year old was getting yelled at, sworn at etc you'd sit back and go 'you're old enough to deal with on your own'? Hmm

She's 16. Not even an adult, still in school. It's difficult to stand up to bullies especially your parents.

LemonPrism · 13/12/2019 13:12

@BillieEilish of course it's mental and selfish... he'll be 70 when his child turns 18. Probably dead before they're 30...

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 13:13

how can a 16yo do that?

put the phone down? not go over to the house?

if a 16yo had made a decision and was being "yelled at" and wanted me to step in, I would.

I wouldn't make the initial decision FOR the 16yo. I don't know what you're not understanding here...

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 13:13

*when have I said its ok? ive said her daughter needs to make her own decisions, if she thinks hes abuse and treats her badly, she needs to make the decision to walk away.

its not her mums place to start kicking off about it and imposing conditions on her dad about only seeing her away from his home.

its up to the daughter, and if he then kicks off at her, she would be well within her rights to not speak to him and for op to step in and say shes made up her mind, leave her alone, that's that.

its not ops battle to fight, frankly the baby is a red herring in all of this.*

I have never seen such a load of complete bollocks in my entire life. SHE'S 16! And he's been subtly controlling her for years! It is my job to support her through that and teach her how to stand up to him. She's not going to magically know this by herself. He's her dad and her instinct is to trust and love him, and bury under the sand all of the horrible subtle ways in which he is treating her badly. This has only come to light in the last 6 months and we have struggled with it. The baby isn't a red herring. It's another thing which is going to give him an excuse to behave badly and his comments around using her for babysitting are a prime example.

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 13:13

lemon any parent could die before their children are 30. are we all selfish?

the child also has another parent, and NONE of this concerns op and is essentially totally irrelevant.

Clymene · 13/12/2019 13:14

Do you have any teenage children @Bollykecks?

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 13:14

ok then OP, if you're so certain what you need to do, why are you posting about it on MN and not simply just doing it?

why don't you ban your daughter from seeing her dad if that is whats best?

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 13:15

yes I do clymene

ChristmasSweet · 13/12/2019 13:15

The 16 year old has already phoned her mum crying about this. Because she knows what's going to happen. Because her dad has told her. And she knows if she says no, she gets screamed at.

I'd be stepping in there before she got yelled at and telling him it wasn't happening. Why wait til the yelling starts? An abusive twat will always be an abusive twat. They don't change. Cut them off before they start.

misspiggy19 · 13/12/2019 13:15

FWIW I think he's mental and selfish starting again at the age of 52 but it's his circus.

^Completely agree. I do feel sorry for your daughter. He can’t even maintain a loving relationship with her and now he will be having another child to play happy families with.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 13:16

telling him whats not happening? the baby?

I mean, what can op do about it, except stop him seeing his daughter?

GrannyBags · 13/12/2019 13:18

I’ve been the ‘GF’ in this situation - although we were recently married when I got pregnant. DH’s children were 16 and 18. There was never any expectation that they would babysit, although they both did and they have a wonderful relationship with our son. Husband was 48 when son was born and I was 36 but his EX w had discussed the possibility that we might have a baby with the children. This could be a lovely relationship for your daughter - it seems that the expectant parents have gone the wrong way about trying to involve her. Hopefully excitement/mis communication.
Be there for her and help her make her own choices. Our lives were made much easier by the actions of the ex and we have now shared weddings and the arrival of grandchildren. I hope it goes well for her

BillieEilish · 13/12/2019 13:19

OP why are you arguing with us? Do what YOU think is best. It is your life.

You think he's too old, you think he is selfish, mental, a bully, controlling, abusive. So much so you have posted for 9 years on mumsnet about your ex husband.

Do not let your DD see him then. Don't ask us. PP is right, this is not about the baby, something should have been done long ago if what you say is fact. Surely there is a court order?

I would suggest you get on with what you think is best and not post on a public forum complaining about your current DH or your ex DH (who you clearly have a thing for still, because believe me, that is what it looks like to many)

ChristmasSweet · 13/12/2019 13:22

Tell him the babysitting and room sharing isn't happening.. Confused How could she tell him not to have a baby? That's his choice.

Continuing to abuse his daughter though isn't on. And shouldn't be happening. I think though you don't see it that way. It's quite easy to tell him that he either takes back what he said or he doesn't see her again. I would rather bully the bully than let any child I have go through that.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 13:24

I don't know where you get that I've posted for 9 years about him. I've been on MN for about 6 months. Wrongly thought it was a good place to get advice from like minded people.

OP posts:
BillieEilish · 13/12/2019 13:25

How PRECISELY is he abusing his DD?

This is disrespectful to DC's who are abused, with real problems, terrible problems. Don't use the word lightly.

I have an extremely well behaved, intelligent 11 year old. Believe me, they start to tell you what they THINK you will approve of. What you WANT to hear. IT is hearsay.

Sandals19 · 13/12/2019 13:29

*its not her mums place to start kicking off about it and imposing conditions on her dad about only seeing her away from his home.

its up to the daughter,*

Completely misses how different things are for a sixteen yr old child dealing with her father. Adults on this forum aren't able to recognise their own abuse and manipulation - and deal with it successfully, but a child who's in a position of vulnerability is supposed to. She's supposed to report to mum/tell.mum; only then can mum speak to her... my nephew, for example, grew up in an alcoholic abusive household and it was left up to him to report/initiate with other relatives .... He didn't do so til his 20s.

Posters asking why op is arguing with you - she's defending herself against a load of shite.

Butterflyflower1234 · 13/12/2019 13:29

It's threads like this that have replaced Jeremy Karl lol

BillieEilish · 13/12/2019 13:30

9 years divorced, 6 moths posting 9 years later.

God, whatever.

Think about it. Your DD was what 8?
YOur Step sons (who haven't been added to your family) were 12/13?

I don't know, I don't live your life.

But you are still going on about your exDH NOW. 9 years later.

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