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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

52yr old ExH having baby with GF

279 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 10:08

So this is the latest in a long line of ex husband posts from me where he just seems to be doing his utmost to destroy his relationship with our 16 year old daughter. We've been divorced for coming up for 9 years and I am happily remarried. Daughter rang me in tears last night with the news of the pregnancy. There have been comments already about the baby sharing her room if they don't manage to move house in time, and her helping to look after the baby if they need a break. I don't care what he does with his life but seriously, she is doing her A-levels the year after next and having a baby in the house (and being expected to contribute to its care) is not what she needs. I feel like this hasn't been fully thought through. I don't know what I want people to say but I feel like just telling her not to bother going to her dad's any more. She said she was going low contact but I think he bullies her into going and she then feels obligated. I'm sure she's going to be excited about having a younger sibling (she's an only child, except for step-siblings) but it just all feels a bit weird and surreal to me.

OP posts:
SarahH12 · 13/12/2019 12:11

I really don't see the problem. You are way too invested in their lives considering you divorced 9 years ago. How often does your DD stay there?

purplelemonorange · 13/12/2019 12:12

Errrrrmmmmmmmm pretty sure I just said they were moving.

Besidesthepoint · 13/12/2019 12:12

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Bluntness100 · 13/12/2019 12:13

The examples you give, about not getting a job etc, are fairly normal parenting, he is her father, she's only 16.

You do sound like you're not over it, and are jealous or bitter in some way, but trying to dress it up as concern for your daughter. She doesn't need to babysit, and sharing a room when she visits isn't world ending, plenty of siblings do it. And plenty of parents feel able to say about their kids getting a job or spending time together.

I'd maybe reflect on your real motivation here and what's causing your reaction.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 12:13

How does your husband feel about you not considering your step sons as part of your family?

I would class 'adding to my family' as a PP had asked me if I had done, as having another child of my own. That's why I answered the way I did. I didn't say they weren't part of my family but the reality is that one is at Uni and the other is only with us PT.

My daughter does live with me. And she knows that she's welcome to be here full time if that's what she decides she wants.

OP posts:
fuckingwhat · 13/12/2019 12:15

Then you shouldn't have chosen to have a baby with this man. You chose this abusive man, ignored the red flags, still had a child with him and now you are pissed off because you chose the wrong man to be the father of your child. You are also to blame here.

Nice bit of victim blaming there. Honestly mn is fucked these days.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 12:15

Then you shouldn't have chosen to have a baby with this man. You chose this abusive man, ignored the red flags, still had a child with him and now you are pissed off because you chose the wrong man to be the father of your child. You are also to blame here.

He turned abusive after we had a child, as I believe is quite common. Believe me, I would have made a very different decision if he'd shown his true colours sooner. I've heard it all now - it's my fault my ex husband was abusive. Ooooooooh K then.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/12/2019 12:16

Then you shouldn't have chosen to have a baby with this man.

Ridiculous comment. OP didn't say when the abuse started. You don't start dating an abusive man. You start dating a charming, perfectly 'normal' man. That's how they trap you.

milliefiori · 13/12/2019 12:17

The only thing that matters here is that your daughter, during her extremely important A level years, has a quiet, safe home in which to study, where she feels cared for. She is perfectly within her rights to say to her dad that she will live with you until exams are over as she needs no disruptions. That;s her as a young adult giving priority to her own needs and wants and plans for the future, just as he has given priority to his own. She can babysit once her A levels are over if she wants to.

BillieEilish · 13/12/2019 12:17

So, you added to your family, which was patently clear from the outset.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/12/2019 12:18

So, you added to your family, which was patently clear from the outset.

Fuck me I think we established op has 1 biological child and 2 step children let it go!

BillieEilish · 13/12/2019 12:19

You got married and took his Dc's on as your step Dc's and neither would have been at uni 7 years ago.

You are deliberately misunderstanding.

dottiedodah · 13/12/2019 12:22

If his GF is much younger than him ,then its only natural that she would want to start a family really .52 is not terribly old for a man to become a Dad anyway.I think they may have said things about babysitting /sharing a room etc so that she feels on board ? In a well known newspaper recently ,there was a problem from a youngster of 18 who felt pushed out by her Dads new family .Maybe they read it and took it to heart ? You probably feel a little conflicted that your ex is "starting again" with a new partner maybe .This is often the case even if you dont have feelings for him any more . I would wait and see what happens ,I dont know many new Mums who would be happy to let a newborn share a room with a SC really! Presumably DD will be off to Uni in a few years so she will be at home less and less anyway

LucyLocketss · 13/12/2019 12:22

Your first line states it's the latest in a long line of posts about your ex husband.

Why? Are you struggling to get over him? Your child is old enough now to decide for herself how visitations pan out - whether they're shorter or longer or don't include overnights etc. You can help her with this by discussing the options with her and helping her come to terms with having a new sibling. If he is controlling and nasty then you can support with this also and help her pull away from him. It's hard to gauge from your post whether you're still pining for him

You also say you're happily married now. Why not concentrate on this instead of numerous posts about your ex?

Slomi · 13/12/2019 12:22

Jesus Christ the replies on here are nasty Confused. OP is bitter, jealous, not as much of a family unit because she didn't have a baby with her new partner (umm, what?). Op for your own sanity, mute this thread, work on helping your DD develop her assertiveness before the new baby arrives so she can enforce her own boundaries and try and sell the positives to her.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 12:22

purple so whats the problem then?

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 12:23

@TheStuffedPenguin you strategically left out the bit where he yelled at her for making them late when it was actually his fault. This is a regular occurrence. I also quote from another of his choice phrases when he was taking her to A&E when ill - she had called ahead. He said 'where are we going' - she replied with name of hospital. He then said 'no shit, x hospital is a fucking big place, where exactly are we meant to go?' She was ill enough to have to go to A&E and he chose to speak to her in this way. It's difficult to convey how he is without dredging up loads of examples. And the replacing her income thing if she didn't work? Oh no, he expected her to survive on a tenner pocket money a month because he treats her like a child.

I think I'm going to step away from this thread now - some of you have been really helpful and supportive - thankyou for that. But the rest of you are trying to make me feel like a shit mother. I do think there are certain MNers who are just sat there waiting to put the boot in. Some of you have proved that theory today.

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 12:24

drip.... drip.... drip...

fuckingwhat · 13/12/2019 12:26

This reply has been deleted

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BillieEilish · 13/12/2019 12:26

Sorry you didn't get what you wanted from the thread OP

Have a good day and take some deep breaths.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 12:26

nobody is trying to make you feel like a shit mother, they are trying to tell you that influencing your 16yo daughter against her dad an unborn sibling is not the path you should be taking.

Lweji · 13/12/2019 12:28

he expected her to survive on a tenner pocket money a month

Survive?

MissingMySleep · 13/12/2019 12:31

OP sorry so many pp are putting the boot in. I hope the constructive posts were of help and for what's it's worth I'd be reacting the same as you. Good luck with it all.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/12/2019 12:36

he expected her to survive on a tenner pocket money a month

How much were you giving her?

ChristmasSweet · 13/12/2019 12:37

I can see why you're annoyed for your daughters sake and I don't even have kids. It's clear from this thread the ones who disagree with you no doubt regularly use their older kids as babysitters like your ex husband plans to. Hmm

Even sharing a room is stupid. Why can't they just move the cot into their room while she is there and move it back once she's gone home? Is that so illogical? Hmm

Sounds also like he will throw a tantrum like a baby and manipulate his own daughter into being a free babysitter, because they are twats that can't be assed to look after their own kid. You want a babysitter, you pay for it. You don't manipulate your children into doing it for you. If she offers, different story then. But she doesn't want to.

I'd be standing up for your daughter and saying that unless he grows up and actually considers the above options, he can meet his daughter away from his house.

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