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Original poster

How do you date a guy that earns a lot more than you but you like to go dutch but can't keep up?

258 replies

mummytippy · 05/12/2019 14:37

So I started seeing a guy at the end of Sept... we went out for drinks, then a couple of meals... but my income means I can't go out as much as he'd like to because I'm on a very tight budget. I have a 13 yo and he has an 8 yo. He earns approx 4 times more than me (not his fault and I don't resent this). Because of my money situ, I suggested I cook a meal. I didn't say I'm on cruddy wages/with high outgoings, namely my rent, I just said I've had a lot to pay out recently so do you fancy coming to mine for a meal this time. In return he then cooked at his place/got a take away, I bought the wine. Problem I have now is we seem to be staying in all the time. He'll suggest cooking at mine mostly as his dc lives mainly with mum and I don't like to leave my 13 yo.
Also, the other day he said he was going to re-join the gym (turns out same gym I'm at) so I asked him to mention my name (free month for the referral worth £19 and I would have bought him a drink). When I asked him if he'd joined he said yes, but he was sorry he'd done a black Friday deal instead of mentioning my name... 2 months free... obv a better deal but he'd see me right. I don't like to admit this but it really annoyed me! Tomorrow he's suggested us going out and I as usual I have no money. Thoughts and ideas welcome to try and set some sort of way forward for us before we just stay in all the time as we've been out for 2 meals so far and 3 lots of drinks in 2 months. He's also stayed at mine with his dc and we've stayed in and done done pizza night etc. Last weekend he was away in Spain on a lads weekend which was arranged after we'd been dating about a month... he bought me a bottle of Baileys in Duty Free. I just feel like we've skipped dating and I'm not being wooed... how do I say something? Any thoughts welcome. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Batqueen · 05/12/2019 14:41

How about instead of going Dutch you take turns to Oman dates? That way you can each spend what you afford but aren’t restricted e.g you cook him a meal or buy cinema tickets he then plans the next date which can be similar or something more expensive if he chooses. That way you are paying your own way as you take turns but equally if he wants to spend more he can. That’s what dp and I do and it works well for us.

Batqueen · 05/12/2019 14:41

Oman *plan

Batqueen · 05/12/2019 14:43

To be clear if you’ve planned the date, you pay for it

thecapitalsunited · 05/12/2019 14:46

Can’t you just tell him that you can’t afford it? I had the same situation when dating my DH and he was quite happy for me to pay a contribution or nothing at all if we did stuff according to his wages not mine.

Having said that, you don’t sound particularly happy with the way your relationship is going. Maybe this is your way to cut your losses?

MMmomDD · 05/12/2019 14:48

I think before money start causing resentment - I’d talk about it quite frankly. Tell him you like going out but have a budget of X and see what plan the two of you can come up with.
It may be that rather then doing strict 50/50 he’d be happy with a more proportional split of the bill - I.e - you add to the pot what your budget is for the night - he adds his share - and you work off that amount.

Sunshineandflipflops · 05/12/2019 14:53

I think if you're at the stage of meeting and spending time with each others kids already after 2 months then you've already skipped the 'dating' stage to be honest. It seems very quick to be doing these things but now that you are, not that easy to take a few steps back either.

What about things like cinema trips (not cheap either but you can get Meerkat deals, etc) or Christmas markets where you don't have to spend much (or anything).

I think you have to be honest with him though because the reality is he DOES earn a lot more than you so he probably doesn't mind paying more than you to do things he wants to do. I would say that as long as I contribute something, that's fair enough and it sounds like you are.

Original poster
mummytippy · 05/12/2019 14:54

Thanks Batqueen that sounds like a plan. I just don't want to end up resenting him because we just stay in. I've been in a relationship (years ago before my ds was born) where I earned the most and what was mine was my dp's too. I'm also worried he might be a bit careful with his money if that makes sense so he's happy not to go out too much!

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/12/2019 14:59

If he's stayed at yours with his kids, surely you can talk to him about money?

This does seem to have started off oddly. You've gone from 'dates' to him staying over with his kids very quickly. I'm not one for being wooed with gifts and things, I like to go dutch, but you seem to have missed a whole stage of getting to know each other and excitement.... but now that you're at the stage of spending time with each others kids, I think it's possibly too late to try and 'reset' it back to what it was.

The only way to go from here is to talk to him, explain that you don't have much disposable income and perhaps suggest some low-cost things you can do that you'd enjoy.

Are you happy overall? The Black Friday deal, for example, made sense for him to join on - he got a better deal. Your post seems to hint at some growing resentments? In which case you may be better to call it a day.

Original poster
mummytippy · 05/12/2019 15:02

Thanks MMmomDD, I agree being frank and honest is probably the best way. He's also in the process of changing his contact arrangements with his dc as he currently has him every weekend where as I have my ds every other weekend.

OP posts:
Batqueen · 05/12/2019 15:06

Yeah, my dp had been taken advantage of by exgf a few times who never paid for anything but likewise he wanted to do more expensive things than me. I would find us deals for something fun to do within my budget and treat us that way and he would then usually treat us to a dinner or drinks. I made clear to him early on that I would rather us take turns and each choose something we can feel comfortable affording at that time and that it didn’t matter to me whether it was pizza express or a Michelin star restaurant - it was the point of us each planning and choosing something for us to do together. Hopefully that will stress you out less and also give your dp a chance to treat you in a way he feels comfortable too.

Purpleartichoke · 05/12/2019 15:09

I don’t understand why you are unhappy that he took the best deal on the gym. He certainly doesn’t owe you anything because he found a better deal.

I find it kind of odd he brought you a gift when he traveled so early in the relationship.

And staying in or going out is really a matter of budget and personal preference. I’m personally perfectly happy with a pizza and a movie at home.

Original poster
mummytippy · 05/12/2019 15:10

Hi Sunshine and Anchor... the reason he stayed over with his ds was because he has him every weekend so I just invited them both for pizza one eve... and he kind of stayed. I have never moved this quickly before... it just kind of happened and as you say no going back as you say.

With regard to the Black Friday deal... I was miffed that he chose 2 free months for himself over 1 free month for me! I just know if it had been me re-joining, I'd have stuck to the agreement... but then I suppose he doesn't realise how important a free month to me would have been.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytippy · 05/12/2019 15:20

Thanks again Batqueen I'll give your suggestions a go. I'm all for fairness and definitely don't want to take advantage or be taken advantage of... My birth sign is Libra! And don't worry - I'm signed up to all the savings deals... having very little teaches you to appreciate what you do have. I've also been single a long time and actually seeing someone regularly is strange in itself!!! I'm hoping once he's sorted the contact with his ds out to alternate weekends (which is him wanting to change it btw not me) instead of every weekend things can get on a proper track all round :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytippy · 05/12/2019 15:36

Thanks for your comment Purple,

I do like to go out too when I can afford to... I've just started to feel a pattern setting in I and we've not been dating all that long. I'm a very kind hearted person and actually have been taken for granted too many times before so my guard is up.

I think he bought the gift as he'd asked if I'd like to go away somewhere at some point and then he said yes to a 'lads trip' before we got one planned.

And yes, the gym deal... it was up to him to decide what best to do... just know if in his position I'd have done the referral.

OP posts:
Thickums · 05/12/2019 15:48

Hey OP,

May i ask what you'd like in an ideal situation?

Even if you were dating someone else surely it would turn out exactly the same as this relationship you have little money?

Any guy you date you wouldn't be able to go out to restaurants and stuff with so yoid be stuck inside for most your dates regardless of who it was.

Just putting a different slant on it as your resentment may be misdirected as the problem is your financial situation not the person your dating iyswim?

Aloe6 · 05/12/2019 15:53

This is moving far too quickly. You really shouldn’t be introducing such a new relationship to your children. It sounds like you have very different attitudes and morals to money which may mean you aren’t compatible long term.

Middersweekly · 05/12/2019 15:57

I agree with op who said you should just be honest. Say you would like to go out more but can’t afford it as you have 2 kids and a high rent. If he still wants to go for an expensive meal and drinks then the onus is on him to pay. If he’s funny about paying for the whole meal etc then you know he’s a bit tight. If you were earning 4 times what he does I am sure you would have no qualms with paying for him/ taking him out and spoiling him. It’s not about chivalry it’s about wanting to spend quality time with one another. He knows he out earns you by a lot so he shouldn’t be being so mean spirited!

Original poster
mummytippy · 05/12/2019 16:04

Hi Thickums, thanks for your comment.

My ideal situation would be to be able to go out more often and go Dutch. I'm working to increase my income... have been employed where I am 6 years and have had one pay rise in that time. I'm an accounts admin assistant and learned today that Aldi staff are on a higher hourly rate than me and they have an annual payrise.
For now I think the best way forward is what Batqueen has suggested.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytippy · 05/12/2019 16:09

Thanks Middersweekly, you too have also hit the nail. I have been the higher earner in the past and did exactly that... I didn't resent it as it was about enabling us both to do things together. I paid for a holiday once! Those were the days before my ds came along and I took a career break! Yes, my worry is he is maybe a 'bit careful' and I don't want to end up chained to the cooker! How do you suggest I broach the subject.
He's suggested we go to a Christmas Market tom eve.
Honesty def the best policy.

OP posts:
waltzingparrot · 05/12/2019 16:11

Aren't Vue/Odeon tickets only £5pp nationwide now? It makes a movie date quite a cheap option now. You can add drinks or takeaway - would that make it an affordable option for you?

Original poster
mummytippy · 05/12/2019 16:11

Hi Aloe6, I've explained why the children have become involved lower down in the thread :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytippy · 05/12/2019 16:13

Thanks Walzing, I'll look into this, thank you. I do have a local 'old cinema' near me that is only £5 to get in, just limited what's on there but I'll look at Vue/Odeon :-)

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 05/12/2019 16:16

Too much too soon OP. Take a step back and start going out again. Say you what you can and can't afford and see if he offers to pay for anything you can't.

Crystal87 · 05/12/2019 16:21

If he earns a significant amount t more than you and he knows this, he shouldn't expect you to go 50/50.

Original poster
mummytippy · 05/12/2019 16:25

Thanks Teaches, I have actually leant back this week. He got back from Spain Sunday pm and wanted to see me ( said so before going away when I last saw him last Thurs ). I told him I see him Monday which I did, he cooked at mine... then he was like, see you tomorrow... I had parents eve Tues... he had his ds for tea weds and tonight I'm spending time with my ds as a reward for good progress at parents eve so said on Monday… see you Friday... He said, what Friday!? and I said yes, and went through all the above... hence my post... I'm feeling we need to go back to 'old fashioned dating' for a bit.

OP posts: