How do you date a guy that earns a lot more than you but you like to go dutch but can't keep up?

[mummytippy]

So I started seeing a guy at the end of Sept... we went out for drinks, then a couple of meals... but my income means I can't go out as much as he'd like to because I'm on a very tight budget. I have a 13 yo and he has an 8 yo. He earns approx 4 times more than me (not his fault and I don't resent this). Because of my money situ, I suggested I cook a meal. I didn't say I'm on cruddy wages/with high outgoings, namely my rent, I just said I've had a lot to pay out recently so do you fancy coming to mine for a meal this time. In return he then cooked at his place/got a take away, I bought the wine. Problem I have now is we seem to be staying in all the time. He'll suggest cooking at mine mostly as his dc lives mainly with mum and I don't like to leave my 13 yo.
Also, the other day he said he was going to re-join the gym (turns out same gym I'm at) so I asked him to mention my name (free month for the referral worth £19 and I would have bought him a drink). When I asked him if he'd joined he said yes, but he was sorry he'd done a black Friday deal instead of mentioning my name... 2 months free... obv a better deal but he'd see me right. I don't like to admit this but it really annoyed me! Tomorrow he's suggested us going out and I as usual I have no money. Thoughts and ideas welcome to try and set some sort of way forward for us before we just stay in all the time as we've been out for 2 meals so far and 3 lots of drinks in 2 months. He's also stayed at mine with his dc and we've stayed in and done done pizza night etc. Last weekend he was away in Spain on a lads weekend which was arranged after we'd been dating about a month... he bought me a bottle of Baileys in Duty Free. I just feel like we've skipped dating and I'm not being wooed... how do I say something? Any thoughts welcome. Thanks in advance.

Thank you StealthPussy, CityGirl, DecemberDays and Fruitcake.

I’m going to suggest the alternate cooking at mine and also look to plan affordable dates I can manage.

Walks and picnics obviously aren’t too easy at the moment as the weather’s not the best but museums and art galleries are doable.

Talking about money is a taboo subject and that was the reason for my post. It’s nice to actually have people comment that understand what it’s like to not have money.

We went to my work’s Xmas do on Friday. He paid the taxi home. Then we were out with my friends on Saturday night. I bought a bottle of Prosecco to take to my friends house where the party started and also the first round of drinks as another friend who wasn’t drinking gave us a lift into town. I bought my friend a drink as a thank you as we’d have had to get a taxi and also my beau. He then bought the drinks the rest of the night (bottle of Prosecco) and taxi to my friend’s where we were staying the night. I then bought us a McDonalds on the way home as 2 hr journey. I’m not seeing him now until tomorrow evening as he has his ds. Going to arrange going out after tea. He asked what I fancied doing so I suggested local pub for a drink. I’ve said I’ll buy the drinks.

It is all about controlling your budget. And when others are involved it’s harder to control.

It’s his birthday too on Friday and I said I’ll take him out for a meal as he took me out for mine.

After his bday I’m going to put the alternate cooking / affordable venues forward.

My ds is back from his dads then too so will need money to do things with him in the school holiday which is my main priority.

LagerBrains

I get where you’re coming from but I’ve not dated properly for years already. My financial situ isn’t going to change that drastically that I can wait any longer.

Sounds like you have found a good balance OP. I'd be careful not to spend too much and then potentially regret the opportunity cost if it doesn't work out with this guy (sorry to be a Debbie Downer).

In my case I'd also have been annoyed about the gym membership, but happy about the duty-free Baileys. The latter is maybe because I'm an Aquarius.

He asked what you fancied doing and you said you'll buy all the drinks ?And he'll take you up on the offer? You're overcompensating for feeling insecure about not having as much money. All this researching into affordable venues, he's not doing any of that for you both, although he knows you can't afford to go Dutch all the time, or suggesting you take turns cooking, just leaves all the work to you. You're already investing way too much in this, keeping score (he took you out for your birthday, so now you feel you have to do the same, even though you're also paying for drinks a few days before). He's not giving this a second thought, you're the one running around chasing your tail and his. It doesn't bode well.

I'd feel pretty shit about even a friend treating me to drinks at Xmas when I knew she was a single parent and I had way more money than she did. In fact, I'd say no. I wouldn't go to a friend's over and over and have her cook for me and only bring a bottle of wine without reciprocating. If I knew my friend was a bit skint and I wanted to see her, I would be the one to seek out low cost things and suggest them.

You're paying to have this guy in your life, but he's getting quite the deal.

You're paying to have this guy in your life, but he's getting quite the deal

Yes. Men like this are ten a penny. Will fork out occaisonally but 'dates' are mostly meals cooked by the woman at the woman's house at the woman's expense and then a bunk up. They target lone parents for this.

You need money for your child in the school hols but you're stumping up not just once, but twice, this week on your boyfriend who has far more disposable income than you. The mind boggles. He's probably thinking all his Christmases have come at once! He gets free meals cooked for him, meals out, dates and sex, too, all he does is pay for a couple of taxis and a few bottles of wine. Wow.

I can't imagine spending money I need for my children on some guy who can well afford it.

I seriously hope here's a Band of Gold at the end of this rainbow.....

Oh, believe me, he won't be dishing out bands of gold any time soon he's not even splashing out on steak mince from Aldi, a bag of salad, a baguette and a jar of spag bol sauce to take his turn cooking meals. He hasn't even suggested it, just 'happy to stay in' or have you do all the leg work and make all the plans. It's already becoming a pattern, hence, you having to be the one to suggest taking it in turns to cook meals.

Oh, believe me, he won't be dishing out bands of gold any time soon he's not even splashing out on steak mince from Aldi, a bag of salad, a baguette and a jar of spag bol sauce to take his turn cooking meals. He hasn't even suggested it, just 'happy to stay in' or have you do all the leg work and make all the plans. It's already becoming a pattern, hence, you having to be the one to suggest taking it in turns to cook meals.

Bang on true...

I hear you all and I really wish when he asked what my plans were for Xmas eve I’d thought more carefully. I should have said why what do you suggest?! Instead I thought of suggesting something I could afford to do which wasn’t staying in. My ds is at his dad’s until Boxing Day so I felt like doing something outside of my 4 walls as it’s Xmas.

I won’t cook tea though!

Why on Earth offer to buy his drinks, though? Gawd, it would cheaper to go out with a friend because a friend would take drinks in rounds. You're so desperate and eager to prove you're not taking advantage of him you fail to see how much he's taking advantage of you. I honestly would not bloody dream of allowing a mate wine and dine me when I knew damn well she was a lone parent on a smaller wage with a child to support around Xmas (or, well, anytime), but he's happy to park up and let you trip over your purse to tend to him.

Stop cooking his bloody dinners and chasing after him! As I said, I have friends who don't have the same income, if I want to see them, I do research into suggestions that might suit us both or tell them I'm more than happy to treat us. But your boyfriend hasn't even been arsed to do that. Think about that, long and hard.

If he has to come round to your place in the evenings, why can’t he come after you have both eaten? There is no way I would be cooking for anyone in your circumstances unless it was literally a pizza (£2.50 pizza express half price in Tesco.) You are making all the effort.

When you say talking about money is taboo, do you mean societally or that he will not talk about it with you? If you suggest the local pub, it does not mean you pay the drinks, it means you split the costs surely. He may yet offer to do this - and if he does, let him. If he does not offer, then he is right-fisted and taking advantage.

Regarding his birthday, the whole point is that you cannot afford to match like for like so taking him out is proportionately a greater spend for you than it was for him. Coffee and cake at a nice cafe followed by a walk would be enough, whereas your dinner and wine will run to three times that or more, I bet.

I can see you are trying to think ‘what can I afford?’, but that is only half the equation - the other half is ‘is this worth it?’. I think your good nature is being taken advantage of - he knows you are a single parent and presumably that you earn less than him, and yet he is taking from you, not only you, but your household budget. Yes, maybe he brings wine, but that is not making up the loss to your budget for the household or your DC, it is for his enjoyment. Would you be buying the wine for your dinners if he was not there, or at least as much of it?

Not very romantic, I know, but you need your money for savings, security and your DC’s future as well (at least that would be my view having been in a similar situation where it ended up costing me substantially more than it cost him, never again).

I also don't know why you've offered to pay for drinks at the pub. I feel he's taking advantage of your good nature, he knows your on a tight budget but will let you pay for food and cook for him, but not return the time and effort by taking you out. You need to value yourself more.

He turning into one crafty cocklodger and an expensive one at that OP.
I have been where you are and it's really really stressful. I had to end the relationship because I was just unable to fund the expensive nights out plus he was a CF when it came to raiding my fridge anytime he liked!

He is taking advantage of your good nature.
He knows you are struggling financially and rather than treat you to a meal out or a drink down the pub...You have to stump up either half or everything with the food at home.
You should not be cooking for him or paying for his drinks because very quickly you are going to find yourself in debt.
He's happy to stay in at yours. Let you cook and provide the food...that is a lot of extra expense
Presumably when your DS is away at his dad's you would probably have stayed in with a bottle of wine and one glass?
Or if you went to the pub with a friend you would not be paying for their drinks all night.
Tbh he's taking the piss big time and you are the one who is going to be playing catch up.
He's sounds tight and it's the worse possible trait in any person.

My friend had this problem until she had a serious chat with him and he now realises that he should be buying the food for the meals and paying for the drinks because he earns way more than her.
She was so stressed about it she wanted to finish with him(he is a really nice guy though) and he was gutted when he found out that she was struggling.
She's hard working and independent like you.
Anyway since that conversation he has been really fair with her and always makes sure she is ok and puts no pressure on her to pay. Always buys the food and cooks the meal as well.
They also do a lot of things that don't cost much like going for walks and have cut down the meals out to special occasions agreed between the both of them.

He asked what I fancied doing so I suggested local pub for a drink. I’ve said I’ll buy the drinks.. You need to stop offering. He asks what you fancy doing, that doesn’t mean it’s on you to pay for it. At the very least “let’s go to the pub” means sharing rounds. With someone who has a lot more money than you, it should mean more like he buys 3 to your 1 or 2.

We tend to think of it like the Marxist mantra - "From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs"

I think a lot of the time, unless you expressly point it out, people with more money have no understanding of what’s it like not to have it. My DP thought it was some weird quirk I had that I only ever put £25 petrol in my car “like a student” - rather than realising it was because that was all I could spare in one go. When I told him a relative was lusting over a particular item they coveted, his answer was “why don’t they just buy it, it’s only £200!” like he was incapable of imagining a world in which that wasn’t a huge amount of money. It’s the sort of amount he’d lose by forgetting to cancel a couple of lessons while he’s away on business or something, so to him it’s chump change. Very frustrating when that would make a huge difference to me, but at least mine is generous, even if he doesn’t understand what my life is like or how much thinking about money affects my life every day.

Thanks MsPepperpotts and Russo

It is stressful and I’m rethinking whether to date as I don’t want to be be seen or take advantage and I simply can’t afford all the money juggling and am cooking a lot more than I’d like despite having a chat.

We went to the pub on Xmas eve and he bought us a bottle of wine which we shared.

Whilst there I suggested it as the place to go for his birthday meal (as has a menu with meals for £8) so I booked a table. His birthday was last Sat.

To save money I bought a chocolate cake and a bottle of Prosecco from Aldi. I opened the Prosecco when he arrived and we had a glass before going to the pub. I ordered one drink (1/2 pint cider) and food off the specials menu £8. He didn’t fancy anything on that menu so ordered off the main menu. Lamb chops £14.50 and had 2 large glasses of red wine. Approx £6 a Glass. He asked if we were having starters and I said I didn’t want one as had a surprise desert at home so he decided against too. The bill was £40. I know what was advised on here but as he took me out for my birthday I just wanted things to be fair. I did say to myself though that it was only because it was his birthday.

He did spoil me for Xmas and this also made me feel awkward. Basically he’d left his presents for me at my house. There were 2 so I bought him 2. Then on Xmas morning he had a 3rd present which was an overnight Spa break for 2! Plus perfume and a bottle of gin. I’d bought him a large box of Thornton’s and a bottle of vintage red wine. He also bought my ds a £50 gift card where I’d bought his ds a book and chocolates.

There is no way I could spend the same on Xmas as he did and thought went into my gifts. I also had to do my Xmas shop on Xmas Eve as had to wait for pay day.

I guess what I’m feeling is he will definitely now know my situ based on the gifts I gave.

On NY day I made a Moussaka from scratch which took hours. He brought wine and washed up the following morning.

I’m just tired of juggling as I say and can’t see the way forward without me overspending or cooking.

We even had a convo the other day over bottled water being a rip off as he buys packs of 12 to keep handy in his van for his job and I was telling him I refil a flask with tap water... which also saves on single use plastic... he could not see my point... mainly as his point was plastic gets recycled.

We get it op you don't want to spend money on him! Dump him already

It’s not I don’t want to Trees... I can’t!...
Hence me buying Prosecco and a cake to save money off the pub bill. He just doesn’t seem to understand my situ.

OP, I'd dump him just for being thick about plastic recycling!

Not everyone judges others based on how much money they have or if they spend equally on dates or gifts. You are tracking every penny of spending from either of you - I know you need to control your own soending, but this tracking everything is joyless. What he spends isn't necessarily a measure of his affection for you, nor what you spend (and if you totally financially reciprocate on presents, birthday meals etc) a sign of your affection for him.

In the end, you will have to communicate clearly about this. If you're ineteretsed in relatiinships you have to speak about money. You have to be clear what you can afford and also what you hope for regarding dating experiences. You have to discuss different incomes and spending patterns and you have to accept that paying for everything equally isn't always possible, necessary or desirable.

If you're happy for him to meet your kids then you must have these conversations. If you want to go out more, you must say so. You both need to discuss different incomes and the fact this means he will probably need to spend more than you do. You need to tell him you're mentally tracking soending from yourself and him all the time and don't want to carry on with this. Make clear how tricky it is beingnansi glee parent with financial responsibilities and paying for 2 when going out or planning ahead.

It might be that you are not financially compatible. One of the things that can make relationships work or not work is attitudes towards money, spending, socialising etc. You sound lie you would like to be wooed like a childless person who if free of burdens - your circumstances just mean this isn't possible. However, you can be clearer about what you like and don't like about your dating regime and see how he responds - and how flexible and accommodation he is. He is better off and that means he probably should be willing to foot more bills, but equally important is if he can understand your attitudes and sensitivities about money and behave in a way to help with those. But he can't do that unless you tell him. He's not a mind reader.

I am the higher earner....me paying does not bother me at all.

I’m coming to the conclusion that he is a bit careful and likes to stay in.