How do you date a guy that earns a lot more than you but you like to go dutch but can't keep up?

[mummytippy]

So I started seeing a guy at the end of Sept... we went out for drinks, then a couple of meals... but my income means I can't go out as much as he'd like to because I'm on a very tight budget. I have a 13 yo and he has an 8 yo. He earns approx 4 times more than me (not his fault and I don't resent this). Because of my money situ, I suggested I cook a meal. I didn't say I'm on cruddy wages/with high outgoings, namely my rent, I just said I've had a lot to pay out recently so do you fancy coming to mine for a meal this time. In return he then cooked at his place/got a take away, I bought the wine. Problem I have now is we seem to be staying in all the time. He'll suggest cooking at mine mostly as his dc lives mainly with mum and I don't like to leave my 13 yo.
Also, the other day he said he was going to re-join the gym (turns out same gym I'm at) so I asked him to mention my name (free month for the referral worth £19 and I would have bought him a drink). When I asked him if he'd joined he said yes, but he was sorry he'd done a black Friday deal instead of mentioning my name... 2 months free... obv a better deal but he'd see me right. I don't like to admit this but it really annoyed me! Tomorrow he's suggested us going out and I as usual I have no money. Thoughts and ideas welcome to try and set some sort of way forward for us before we just stay in all the time as we've been out for 2 meals so far and 3 lots of drinks in 2 months. He's also stayed at mine with his dc and we've stayed in and done done pizza night etc. Last weekend he was away in Spain on a lads weekend which was arranged after we'd been dating about a month... he bought me a bottle of Baileys in Duty Free. I just feel like we've skipped dating and I'm not being wooed... how do I say something? Any thoughts welcome. Thanks in advance.

Sounds like you have just not adjusted to being on a lower income and are struggling to come to terms with it.

You keep saying you don't want him to pay but just want to have a chat to see what he thinks is "fair" - but obviously each paying for yourself is what is fair, you just can't afford it, but at the same time aren't willing to just stay in, which is what people without much money do. The only way to fix that is for him to pay for you, you need to be honest with yourself that that is what you want. I'm struggling to see how he's done anything wrong- he's agreed to go out less because you can't afford it, which is very sensible, but you are the one saying you resent not going out when it's obviously happening for your benefit.

I don't mean this unkindly but you seem very focused on money and aware of the cost of everything - each item ordered at a meal out with friends, the baileys, the gym (to the extent that you haven't been able to let it go). I would suggest that the issue isn't with him or your relationship, but with the fact that you are not comfortable with being on a lower income than you used to be.

What the op wants is very clear, even though she started off denying it.

She wants him to take her out and pay for her, ideally every time. That's what she means by wooing her. And if he can involved her son, and pay for him too even better.

She's just struggling to admit that's what she wants, although she has softened her stance and hinted at it in later posts. Like she'd accept if he paid, ask him what he thinks is fair etc.

Op did you offer to cook because you can't afford a take away and didn't wish to admit this to him?

Bluntness spot on

Op I find your title a bit misleading as you don't seem that concerned with going Dutch, you seem more worried about what's happened in your relationship in such a short space of time.

Has he ever taken you out for a meal? I think he sounds mean to be honest. If you were out with his friends I don't see why he wouldn't just pick up your bill too, he knows how you're short on money.

I disagree with the other posters that it is irrelevant how you used to be a higher earner. I think it's important because you know how you behaved in his position and you'd like someone who behaves like that.

I similarly used to earn a substantial salary then went back to college to retrain and was temporarily a penniless student. I began dating a man who was quite well off. He only ever wanted to go to the pub and used tap my glass before I'd even finished and say "your round". The one and only time (in fact it was our last date as I decided to never see him again) we went to dinner I ordered as carefully as you did - one glass of wine a vegetarian main and the least expensive thing on the menu. He ate a three course meal and guzzled wine through the meal then when the bill came split it straight down the middle. I did pay and then when we went outside I told him I wouldn't be seeing him again and why.

It sounds like your guy could be good one though - he wants to spend lots of time together and cooks for you. In your shoes I would say to him you think you've gotten too comfortable too soon and would like to go out more. Suggest you take turns planning and paying for dates. Then you can plan free or affordable dates. If he makes no effort then I would walk.

It sounds like your guy could be good one though not if he turns out to be the kind of guy who cuts his access in half to suit his current gf of a few months.

SleepingStandingUp tbf it sounded like his main issue was that the mum wasn't happy about not having weekends with him, and the schedules lining up was just OPs added bonus.

How does his DC feel about having his time with his Dad changed? You haven’t known him very long, his DC may resent this and who would blame him.

The gym thing may be nothing to do with it being a better deal, it could well be that the sales person on the desk will get far more money for selling a brand new deal with 2 months offer, rather than giving you the free month, and so really promoted the savings for the 2 months. .

SleepingStandingUp

I didn’t suggest anything about his contact with is DS until after he’d done it. I would never interfere in something like that. I only suggested EOW as it’s what his ex wants instead of her having the ds every weekend and it’s what most people do.

Hi IsItXmasYet yes my son go s to his father EOW as we’re separated. It’s the normal arrangement.

Bluntness you are completely wrong in describing me like a gold digger.
I like things to be fair and that was the whole purpose of my post.
I’m a very generous person.
Yes, I suggested cooking because I couldn’t afford to pay for a takeaway.
As it turns out... the takeaway would have been free to my guy anyway as he does sign work for them periodically. He openly told me this when I said I thought you were sold on a curry.

SleepingStandingUp and SofaNearYou

His ex actually isn’t happy that she now has the dc every weekend as she says she now can’t go out. She doesn’t work. The contact was arranged to suit the go karting club deal on Mondays. It was nothing to do with me. When he told me she’d complained. I said perhaps EOW would have been better that is all.

But you resent cooking for him, so don't offer to do it. You could have suggested he brought frozen pizza or something just to bung on if you're too skint for takeaway.

You're just continuing the problem if you offer things you don't want and then resent him for taking you up on it.

Thank you Katgurl

You have also nailed it and I too dated a guy before (about 10 years ago) that was like your ex. I would contribute where I could with what I could but it’s so stressful when you can’t keep up isn’t it. I have to be so careful with every penny and yes I’m doing mental maths continually to ensure I’m okay financially.
I guess my gripe is that my guy could be a little more generous and hasn’t been so far. He’s been single 7 years until me.
You are right in that when you’re a generous person, you hope that any person in a similar financial position would treat the other once in a while.
What did your guy say when you told him the reason why you weren’t going to see him again?

She doesn’t work.

Why is that relevant? I don't see one single poster asking about this.

You think because she doesn't work, she should arrange her social life out with weekends?

You’re right Catogory12

I only offered as it was getting late and I couldn’t afford the takeaway. I should have just said please order takeaway and bring it with you. Need to be more assertive.

It’s complicated with the ex... it doesn’t matter to me she doesn’t work it’s just what he’s told me. He’s told me that her mum, the GM does everything through the week like school drop offs/pick ups and the dcs washing etc.

Ah I see about the contact, I was just making the point that it was changed to EOW because it didn't suit the mother, not at your request as some were accusing you of. Sounds like that's still the case.

I don't like the sound of this guy tbh.

You've only been seeing him a short time and he's badmouthing his ex to you, the relationship has moved too fast into nights in all the time, and he seems a bit tight. It's all a bit much.

Matters enough for you to mention it here though.

I mean to me, you're painting a picture of quite a selfish guy who has changed access to suit himself, tells you this tale of how his ex is not working and yet not doing any parenting , and here you are cooking for him and having nights in you don't want.

Either you're a bit starry-eyed by his cock or his salary or both.

I’m in a very similar position - my DP earns significantly more than I do, I’m on working tax credits (I do get a decent amount of CM from my ex, so not as badly off as some single parents). I’m very conscious of what everything costs whereas he’s able to do whatever he wants within reason, without even thinking about it. He’ll still take 0% credit or use a card to get points back, but he never has to wonder if he can actually afford it, just HOW best to do it.

We’ve been together 7 years and he’s gradually become more understanding of my situation. In the beginning he didn’t seem to get it and would happily take my offer of paying half for things regularly. But once I got quite in debt trying to keep up, I had to explain that I couldn’t afford to keep treating him the same way he did me or paying half towards expensive holidays etc.

Now if he wants us to go away somewhere nice, he pays and I contribute by paying for a day trip or taxi to the airport etc.

If we go out to eat he will automatically get the bill (unless it’s him, me and my DCs in which case sometimes he’ll pay the lot or sometimes he’ll get mine and his, and I pay for the DCs)

But if it’s a cheap one like McDs or a kebab I will get it so that I at least feel like I’m treating him sometimes.

For Xmas etc he’ll say he just wants “back tickle vouchers” or something!! I do spend a decent amount on him but it tends to be about half what he spends on me. I will sometimes make him something so there is time and love that goes into my gifts as well as money.

It’s taken a long time for us to get to a place where we understand each other on this. I don’t want to feel like a gold digger but he is in a fortunate position and he credits me with supporting him to get there so he doesn’t resent helping me out.

He has paid off some credit cards I had built up and will happily transfer a few hundred if I need it. I hate having to ask but I know he’d be upset if he was blathering on about buying a new kitchen for £15k while I’m worrying about my mortgage going out before my wages come in.

Hopefully at some point we’ll be able to live together and take some of the pressure off but I think it’s especially hard to be equal and fair with finances in a second relationship. With the first one, or the one you have DCs with, it’s easier to be a team,
with one of your contributing more money, the other more time to raising the family. With second ones it’s harder as my less fortunate position due to having 3 kids isn’t of any advantage to him!

I’d say, it’s early days so as long as he seems like a decent person I wouldn’t write him off because he doesn’t seem to get it yet. But it’s something to bear in mind as you go along.

What would you want someone who earned the same as you (with the same outgoings) to do? Do you have higher expectations of him because he earns more?

Maybe he is a saver and doesn’t like spending money going out? We can all have different preferences. I guess it’s important to understand each other.

Your ds is having to hang out with some bloke he barely knows on the weekends he's with you. Why can't you just see him eow and tell him you'd like to go out but cheaper places? And he doesn't need to sort you out for the gym membership, he can take any deal he wants. But in all honesty I'd stay clear of a guy who changed his contact arrangements over go karting.

Do you know what this man's financial position is? He earns 4 times your salary but he won't take home 4 times your take home pay.

Presumably he has to pay child maintenance too? How much is that? What other outgoings does he have?

He may not be that much better off than you in reality.