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Original poster

How do you date a guy that earns a lot more than you but you like to go dutch but can't keep up?

258 replies

mummytippy · 05/12/2019 14:37

So I started seeing a guy at the end of Sept... we went out for drinks, then a couple of meals... but my income means I can't go out as much as he'd like to because I'm on a very tight budget. I have a 13 yo and he has an 8 yo. He earns approx 4 times more than me (not his fault and I don't resent this). Because of my money situ, I suggested I cook a meal. I didn't say I'm on cruddy wages/with high outgoings, namely my rent, I just said I've had a lot to pay out recently so do you fancy coming to mine for a meal this time. In return he then cooked at his place/got a take away, I bought the wine. Problem I have now is we seem to be staying in all the time. He'll suggest cooking at mine mostly as his dc lives mainly with mum and I don't like to leave my 13 yo.
Also, the other day he said he was going to re-join the gym (turns out same gym I'm at) so I asked him to mention my name (free month for the referral worth £19 and I would have bought him a drink). When I asked him if he'd joined he said yes, but he was sorry he'd done a black Friday deal instead of mentioning my name... 2 months free... obv a better deal but he'd see me right. I don't like to admit this but it really annoyed me! Tomorrow he's suggested us going out and I as usual I have no money. Thoughts and ideas welcome to try and set some sort of way forward for us before we just stay in all the time as we've been out for 2 meals so far and 3 lots of drinks in 2 months. He's also stayed at mine with his dc and we've stayed in and done done pizza night etc. Last weekend he was away in Spain on a lads weekend which was arranged after we'd been dating about a month... he bought me a bottle of Baileys in Duty Free. I just feel like we've skipped dating and I'm not being wooed... how do I say something? Any thoughts welcome. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytippy · 06/12/2019 20:18

Thanks Bartlet

I actually feel like the dates just need to be planned in advance otherwise I’m going to be constantly cooking.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytippy · 06/12/2019 20:22

And Bartlet

I don’t want him to spend all of his money on me and woo me all the time... just once in a while and seeing as it is a new relationship I thought it might have happened more. Also I’m 47 and from a generation where men did used to woo their ladies. I’m well aware things have changed but I shouldn’t feel like a 1950s house wife 2 months in.

Wanting to do things fairly is hardly him ‘subbing me’.

OP posts:
Bartlet · 06/12/2019 20:27

Well you need to be straight with him. Perhaps he’ll take it on board and make you feel more wooed. If he is scared off then at least you haven’t wasted more time.

It’s going to be difficult reconciling your differing bank balances though when there is that much of a gap. He may choose not to continue a relationship where he either has to pay for you or curtail his standard of living.

Tessaraqt · 06/12/2019 20:30

If I was you, for the next few months, I would plan dates within your budget/free, like walks in parks, museums etc. Things you are happy to do and leave your son to do.

He's probably not suggesting things because he knows you don't want to leave your son, and it's too early in the relationship to expect him to be subbing you, it should still be going Dutch on everything at this stage IMO.

Bluntness100 · 06/12/2019 20:34

So you do wish him to pay for you. Why not say that instead of messing about like this on here. And you said he usually cooks for you. And he does it ar your house because you don't want to leave your kid. So nothing 1950s about it.

You just want to go out more and you want him to pay. You're anonymous on here. May as well be honest.

LunchBoxPolice · 06/12/2019 20:45

Why on earth are you making suggestions about his childcare arrangements? It’s none of your business.

Bodear · 06/12/2019 20:53

But you offered to cook! And now you’re annoyed that he said yes.

MyNewBearTotoro · 06/12/2019 20:59

You’ve only been with him a couple of months and you’re already trying to get involved in arranging his contact with his son do it suits you????? Sorry but that sounds very controlling, when he has his son should be between him and his ex and about what works best for his son, not about what fits in with when you have your son! You sound completely over invested considering the relationship is so new - I don’t see why you would think he should choose a full price gym membership with a free month for you over a reduced gym membership with two months free for him. The Black Friday deal is much better (2 free months rather than 1) so of course he went for that.

Sorry but you sound hard work, first you say you can’t afford to eat out and then you complain about eating in too much. If you want to eat out just suggest it and pay your half - if you don’t fancy eating out or can’t afford it suggest a night in. I don’t really get what the problem is, but in such a new relationship and where you both have kids and should be taking it slowly I would be expecting costs to be split 50/50 - I wouldn’t expect him to be subbing you.

category12 · 06/12/2019 21:01

Why on earth did you offer to cook tonight?! You're resenting him for taking you up on it, but you shouldn't have offered given the way you're feeling.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to go on actual dates. Think of some stuff you want to do that you can afford. Tell him you want to go out and do stuff.

If he suggests something that is too expensive for you, say "I can't afford that". If he offers to treat you, let him. If he doesn't, suggest something in your price range yourself (not bloody sitting at home cooking). He could have brought a frozen pizza from the supermarket if you can't afford takeaway, fgs.

Charley50 · 06/12/2019 21:25

I understand where you're coming from OP. Will he bring wine and pudding tonight? Will he bring stuff for breakfast?

It seems you know what each other earns, do you know each other's outgoings? You really need to tell him if you can't afford to go out. Maybe have a going out budget and stick to it.

I would also step back a bit and say no to his offers to come to yours occasionally. You have really fallen into this relationship a bit.

beck3001 · 06/12/2019 21:28

I think you're being harsh. Firstly the gym thing, if you haven't had the conversation of money then he wasn't to know that you could have done with the free month - if its something you can't afford, workout at home.
Secondly, he is wooing you?! He's brought you a bottle of baileys, he cooks for you etc, he still suggests going out even though you've said you don't want to leave DS, he's trying to spend more time with you and you're still unimpressed? I think you're giving him mixed signals by saying you want to be flattered more but then turning down his suggestions a lot.
He suggested taking you away? And you're mad because he went with friends after a month of meeting you? - too soon.
I think you need to recall what you have said and really decide what you want because another woman would be more than happy for a man to cook for her and spend lots of time with her (even if that meant an early alarm) - it isn't his fault he needs to start work early, he probably doesn't like the alarm either!

readitandwept · 06/12/2019 21:33

it isn't his fault he needs to start work early, he probably doesn't like the alarm either!

There's a 13yo kid in her house during the week, and most weekends by he sounds of it. He shouldn't be staying over after only eight weeks anyway.

Sparkle567 · 06/12/2019 21:33

You want him to woo you yet you never woo him?

You can’t afford to date at all by the sounds of it. Your moaning about getting a takeaway and staying in?! That’s as cheap as it’s going to get date wise.

You have literally been together 8 weeks and your basically saying you want to go out and for him to pay all the time because he earns more then you. You hardly know each other. The fact he earns more isn’t relevant right now.

If you want to plan dates then make sure you can afford to go half. Don’t suggest staying in beacuse your skint and then moan when your staying in all the time.

The bill with your mates was split 4 ways, that’s not his fault, why didn’t you say anything? And by the sounds of it he paid for it anyway and you paid for a £15 bottle of wine?! Hardly pushing the boat out.

Also moaning that he took up a better deal for himself instead of letting you have £19 off at barely 2 months into a relationship is pathetic. He shouldn’t have to see you right for taking up a better deal for himself.

If I was him I would think your tight as hell if you brought up the convo how you basically want him to treat you all the time.

Sparkle567 · 06/12/2019 21:34

You shouldn’t of even introduced him to your son either at 8 weeks and have his son over! It doesn’t matter that he has him every weekend.

TooleyVanDooley · 06/12/2019 22:08

This is baffling. I can’t work out what you actually want.

QueenofPain · 06/12/2019 22:19

So you want to be wooed, but you can’t afford to contribute? What do you actually want him to do? Just pay for everything?

Whether you were with this guy, or someone on the same or less than you, you’d still only be able to contribute exactly what you are doing now?

I’m not sure you like going Dutch as much as you think you do!

RantyAnty · 07/12/2019 03:38

@ postermummytippy here is an article that might give you something to think about.

equality, equity, and fairness

www.publichealthnotes.com/equity-vs-equality/

Bartlet · 07/12/2019 07:46

Rantyanty that makes sense from a community/ society perspective or perhaps even a long term relationship. Not when they’ve known each other for a couple of months. It is not her new boyfriends responsibility to fund her so she is equitable.

Doodlepip1 · 07/12/2019 08:02

This is why MGTOW exists

SheChoseDown · 07/12/2019 08:25

What is MGTOW?

Grobagsforever · 07/12/2019 08:48

I'm sorry I can't get past the fact you are inflicting this man on your DS, two months in, without thought or planning.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2019 09:08

he’d changed contact now to Sunday pm to Tues am (school drop off) so he can do the Monday karting session... I said EOW would have maybe been better... I pointed out I have my ds EOW so would work out better for everyone

You suggested your boyfriend HALVE his contact with his son to match how much yours kids Dad sees him so that it's more convenient for you??

SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2019 09:10

And you're not even thst serious about him. Yo u want to be wooed, are pulling back to teach him a lesson, are regretting the homely dates with the kids so wa t him to see his less so you can go out more.
How would you feel if your ex suggested cutting contact time cos his current gf of a few months wants wooing??

isitxmasyet · 07/12/2019 09:15

You sound hard work and impossible to please

What are you expecting? What the hell does ‘being wooed’ mean
He suggests going out- you can’t afford it
He agrees to stay in- you think it’s dull
He buys you a gift- it’s not enough
He isn’t aware you are desperate for a £19 month off at the gym- you sulk about it

Honestly let him go so he can be with someone who is easy going and just enjoys his company

isitxmasyet · 07/12/2019 09:16

You only see your son EOW?