How do you date a guy that earns a lot more than you but you like to go dutch but can't keep up?

[mummytippy]

So I started seeing a guy at the end of Sept... we went out for drinks, then a couple of meals... but my income means I can't go out as much as he'd like to because I'm on a very tight budget. I have a 13 yo and he has an 8 yo. He earns approx 4 times more than me (not his fault and I don't resent this). Because of my money situ, I suggested I cook a meal. I didn't say I'm on cruddy wages/with high outgoings, namely my rent, I just said I've had a lot to pay out recently so do you fancy coming to mine for a meal this time. In return he then cooked at his place/got a take away, I bought the wine. Problem I have now is we seem to be staying in all the time. He'll suggest cooking at mine mostly as his dc lives mainly with mum and I don't like to leave my 13 yo.
Also, the other day he said he was going to re-join the gym (turns out same gym I'm at) so I asked him to mention my name (free month for the referral worth £19 and I would have bought him a drink). When I asked him if he'd joined he said yes, but he was sorry he'd done a black Friday deal instead of mentioning my name... 2 months free... obv a better deal but he'd see me right. I don't like to admit this but it really annoyed me! Tomorrow he's suggested us going out and I as usual I have no money. Thoughts and ideas welcome to try and set some sort of way forward for us before we just stay in all the time as we've been out for 2 meals so far and 3 lots of drinks in 2 months. He's also stayed at mine with his dc and we've stayed in and done done pizza night etc. Last weekend he was away in Spain on a lads weekend which was arranged after we'd been dating about a month... he bought me a bottle of Baileys in Duty Free. I just feel like we've skipped dating and I'm not being wooed... how do I say something? Any thoughts welcome. Thanks in advance.

I’m not going to bang on about meeting each other’s children. But I wouldn’t have.
Just tell him? Just say ‘sorry can’t afford it’

Tbh you sound hard work op. Why on earth would he get you fre months when he could do so for himself?

Thanks Crystal87

What would you suggest... he earns at least 4 times my wage... mine just about cover my bills!!!

Hi BallsDeep

Er, because he said he would... until he got there and there was a better deal because of Black Friday. I can't blame him, it's just I would have stuck to what I said to him if the other way around.

I don't see why he shouldn't pay more than you if he earns a lot more. Assuming he's willing to of course.
But as others have said you are rushing this relationship.

Hi Lllot05

I know and I've explained why lower down in my thread/post.
I've never done this before and my ds is 13 and I've been single/dating on and off since my ds 18 months old.

You need to have a frank talk about money. It will get in the way unless you are honest - my new relationship knows my position is a lot worse than his, I'm cooking a lot, he pays to go out

Thanks LifeIsGoodAgain

How did you broach the subject and how do you feel about things?

I earn twice as much as my boyfriend and am conscience of that fact.
For that reason i pay more often and always pay if i suggest the date. Over this year ive wanted to go to lots of expensive gigs etc so ive paid. He wanted to go to the rugby with me so he paid then. He wanted to go for a spa day, so he paid then too. He lets me know if he is short until payday then we cook at my home so he doesnt feel emasculated in letting me pay. Its also fun to cook together.

If someone cant accept you for you, they arent worth continuing to see. As other pp have said, if he gets funny about it, he is tight. I dont resent the money ive spent on my boyfriend because I wanted to do the things weve done. He has never asked me to pay for something just he was keen to do.
We've never gone dutch, ever.

I just feel like we've skipped dating and I'm not being wooed

The poor sod can’t win.

I think you’re being very unreasonable about the gym. The options were one free month for you, or two free months for him so it was a bit of a no-brainer. You’ve been with this guy for a matter of weeks, he doesn’t owe you say in his finances.

Oh and if it helps, we go to cheaper places to eat so its about £20 when we go out (we both have student cards as both doing evening study which makes it a lot cheaper at chains)... as soon as he made it clear where his budget was at, we adjusted date nights accordingly so he was able to afford to take me out for dinner, with the student card (He is nearly 40!) And it not empty his wallet for the month. Its just considerate.

Be honest, youll find out who he is and good luck OP, you sound lovely.

Thank you Cream5 your comment is really helpful and reminds me of when I was in your position, (the higher earner). It's all about spending the time doing things you want to do with the person you want to do them with isn't it rather than the money... it just feels awkward when you're the lower earner. A conversation will have to be had... it's just broaching it!!!

Thanks again Cream5, I've just read your 2nd comment. Sadly my student discount days are behind me... but you're spot on in being considerate. I just want things fair and feel my position is stopping us doing things... brill what you've suggested - thank you again :-)

Last weekend he was away in Spain on a lads weekend which was arranged after we'd been dating about a month... he bought me a bottle of Baileys in Duty Free. I just feel like we've skipped dating and I'm not being wooed...

What's the issue here? Were you expecting something better?

No, Readit I don’t have a issue with the bottle of Baileys, I’m just trying to show the full picture in that he didn’t come back empty handed.

Why does he only want his dc every other weekend?

@Newtothis2017 That usually how it works with separated parents-you take it in turns to have them at weekends. Otherwise the child doesn't get quality time with one parent (week days are hardly quality time with school/work/homework/etc) and the parents don't get any time to themselves.

Me and my ex do EOW and I see my bf on the ones I don't have the kids.

@Sunshineandflipflops I understand that it is normally eow. However, it reads like he is the person changing contact to eow. I am curious as to why he would want less time with his dc.

This is moving far too quickly. You really shouldn’t be introducing such a new relationship to your children.

Your explanation as to why he and his child stayed at yours was "it just kind of happened" - you seem to be just drifting unassertively along with his decision (in that case anyway) to stay over at you and your child's house with his child. Even him staying over on his own and meeting your child. .. since September? September???!!!

It's not v fair on either child if it doesn't work out or at all (or you two for that matter).

The money disparity is actually not the real issue that jumps out here.

The gym thing, yours only just seeing him, why should he be obliged to get deals that suit/benefit you. (And he clearly doesn't realise how tight for money you are). Again, its too much too soon.

When I met my DH his salary was 4x mine, he was comfortable and I’d just bought my first house so was really budgeting. Tbh it was obvious to him I wasn’t flush. I would cook a lot of homely meals and he would at for the meals out. Going Dutch isn’t just about money.

I have a bit of a rule, if they suggest a fancy restaurant they should pay. I would say, yes that sounds lovely but I can’t afford it. No shame in that. Maybe buy drinks as a token gesture but don’t put pressure on yourself to keep up.

Equality isn’t treating everyone exactly the same don’t forget.

Is he changing his contact with his child to have them less so you can spend weekends together? Sorry if I’ve misread that, but that is truly grim if that’s the case.

This is what happens when people don't communicate openly.

What is wrong with saying "I can't afford to date much"?

He then could have said "I will take you" and its open and above board. You then date him as and when you can. Often there is grace in receiving.

Now, you have let him get his feet under the table, treat you like a domestic appliance and the resentment is building up.

Thanks Stegasaurous

I hadn’t actually thought about going Dutch not being just about money. I like your rule too if if they suggest, then they pay.

We did go for meal with friends a week or so ago. I was really careful in what I ordered as I usually pay for what I’ve had... but the bill was split 4 ways. I’d chosen brushetta as a starter £4 and everyone else had prawns/ribs at £9.00. After the meal we went for drinks just in a local pub and as BF had paid for taxi, I bought us some drinks. As we both like wine... this constituted a bottle and it was £15. That on top of the meal completely wiped me out.
I’m working on asking for a pay rise as I’ve had one in 6 years :-(

You don’t need a pay rise to keep up, you just need a chat. The meals out etc will be a drop in the ocean for him. I’m sure once you have a chat he’ll understand.

My DH suggested we buy a house together and go 50:50 (when we were ready to move in). I told him I can’t afford it. He was welcome to move into my modest 2 bed and pay half but I can’t afford to take on anything else.

It’s so important you be honest.

Hi Mustard

He has been having his ds every weekend Fri and Sat night and returning him Sunday pm. He also has him on Weds for a teatime date. I don’t see him Weds.
he likes to take his ds go karting on a Weds but they’ve now done a deal at the track on Mondays where it cost less for longer and it includes pizza. He basically just said in a text he’d changed contact now to Sunday pm to Tues am (school drop off) so he can do the Monday karting session. His ex is not happy as now has gone to having ds every weekend. I then (without wanting to interfere) said EOW would have maybe been better and to just have done the karting as a teatime date every week instead of Weds. He said he will change to that soon but for now is collecting ds Sunday pm. I pointed out I have my ds EOW so would work out better for everyone and best to set a routine that his ds can get used to and not to chop and change.